Limits of an Infinite Self

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Horseshoe crabs in a yin/yang configuration Water = Blood Their blood is our blood. The ocean that bears them bears us.

Hello again!

After months away, I put myself on the spot, to try to bring forth words that might hold some meaning relevant to the occasion. A summing up of the past year? What happened? I got older, certainly. Hit my first Saturn Return.

"Youth is wasted on the young." What does that mean? Did I waste my youth? Did I not make the most of my time while I had more freedom to do as I wished? (Yes and no. Realistically... no.)

Freedom. One of those words so poorly understood, and a thing so rare to experience when one's mind is shackled to its own limiting ideas. "None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe that they are free." "Fate is written in the cards we are dealt, destiny manifests in how we play them." "Everything is under control." "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

But truth is hard. It's not comfortable or convenient to us, as creatures of desire and fear. It takes experience, as served to us by a phenomenon we could think of as "Dungeon Master of the Universe," to get us to assimilate those truths we would rather hide from.



"Enlightenment is a destructive process." Light, objective awareness, undoes illusion so that what is can be perceived at a higher level of truth, understood from a more complete perspective. It is a peeling away and dismantling of the layers obscuring and distorting reality. What is, is. The more we become aware of what is, the more our barriers break down, our buffers collapse, our lies deflate and our conflicts come to resolution. This could not be otherwise, for the energy these patterns consume becomes too great in the presence of a growing awareness of what is. So we let go, we stop feeding them. Truth remains, self-existing. The burden of falsehood no longer hinders us. Our ghosts and mirages no longer lead us in fruitless circles.



But there are no circles, only spirals. Life is a continuous fractal wave, vibrating in all possible dimensions, one single energy flowing through all patterns. There is only one. All patterns evolve in a collective interdependence, unfolding according to their nature. Human beings are a type of pattern. But what defines human?




Form? Humanoid — a morphogenic template suited to a particular class of experience in physicality. Probably ubiquitous throughout the cosmos. Thousands of strains, millions of races, maybe. Who knows? All kinds of souls incarnate in human form. The whole spectrum of which could be represented here on Earth at this time, all with the same DNA template. Along with a number of non-souled human vehicles, serving other purposes... who knows?

Being human here is like being in a massively multiplayer, live-action roleplaying game — a sandbox. "We're all here to do what we're all here to do." You get your avatar when you're born, astrologically and genetically made to order for the type of experience you're going for, pre-loaded with your karmic imprint from previous lifetimes. You've got your soul family that you stick with inside the game and out, and you all agree to help each other along. Of course, there are levels to the gameplay, each with its own possibilities and challenges.... "Choose your own adventure." Be aware, else stumble and err, for snare upon snare awaits the unaware. So we learn and go on.

Some of us are playing at a more advanced level. Doesn't mean they're any better as individuals — probably they've just been at it longer than others, had more opportunity to gather experience. Probably spent time on other locales previous to coming here. They've honed specific skills, served and stumbled here in prior lifetimes, in preparation for the greatly enhanced opportunity offered by this time, extended to all beings incarnate here now.



The time of harvest. The turning of the age. A summing up, a great reckoning, a day of judgment that will see us all heading to wherever it is we're going from here. Your direction forward determined by who you've become, by your choices and by your heart's desire. Ultimately, by divine will, by the perfect wisdom resident in every atom, every cell, and every human being. The core of who we are, the inner dwelling-place of truth, our radiant living essence, knows exactly what is meant to happen, in accordance with the whole of existence. The separate mind cannot fathom such truth; it sees aimless chaos in direct relation to its degree of separation. Disappointment is its lot, after the fleeting sense of fulfillment that passes every time it satisfies another want.



The true "I" wants for nothing. It is already home, forever complete, forever at peace. It is the integration of Truth that leads to the knowing of this permanent "I": the fount of wisdom, the source of eternal joy, the wellspring of happiness, the author of infinity, the limitless Being, the all-knowing Love that permeates creation, the animating principle of Life itself. We are meant to enjoy full communion with it; it is our forgetting sleep that keeps us seemingly cut off, unaware of its presence. Our immersive identification with the unreal, the imaginaerum, this dream become nightmare in the dark age before the dawn, consumes us.



Be not afraid. There is nothing to harm you here. All is experience, a continuous evolution of experience. The self creates itself. It sees its own reflection. This is the mechanism behind soul evolution. It's what you do with it, and the quality of your awareness, that determines what you experience. Where do you want to go? Do you even know? Unknowing can lead to tragedy: the falling away, the path of destruction. The inverted path, where everything is reversed. Trajectory into disease, distortion, dysfunctional dynamics. Domination-subjugation. Deprivation and predation. Dependency and despair. Limitation and loss. It's a loop we all go through, on some level. But it, too, takes us forward. When we become aware. When we awaken. The detour is another adventure, another opportunity to see. We go deeper and deeper until we do begin to see. The phantom attraction fades and our discontent draws us toward the light. The longing grows within us to return. Home beckons us once again. This happens again and again and again.

let me serve you and all as you

let your purpose be fulfilled in me

let me surrender to your living force

let all that I am, all that I do
be a living sacrifice unto you

let my soul walk the path that is best
for no path is better and all are blessed
in you
to you
by you

let me see myself as I am
and you as you are
and all as it is

I am you
you are me
let me know that we are one
that we are not separate

let me embody your love, your wisdom and your power

I am your child, let me remember
who I am and return to your embrace

let me lose my fear and doubt
free me from my pain and guilt
let illusions fall away

renew my faith
restore my sanity
repair the damage that I've done

wipe away all jealousy and violence
transcend all pettiness and discord
melt away all obstacles to love
transmute all passions into love

illuminate the darkness in my soul
bring awareness and compassion
to the hidden, unforgiven parts of me
through full acceptance set them free

let me create and share with joy
without vanity or self-importance
or personal ambition
in recognition
of who it is that does all things
in all of us and through us all

imbue all things with meaning
let them manifest your pure intent

let me live as you live
as one perfect beholder of one perfect moment
that composes all eternity

walk with me, let me be your friend
for better friend there cannot be
than you who animate my very being
who lift the fallen up to their place
and gift the worlds with untold grace

rainbow fire coming down
white feathers floating on the breeze
a living water filling me
as I lie here on the ground

greetings from eternal love

it comes from somewhere, nowhere, everywhere
it comes from where it's always been
a locked-up treasure box inside
too precious to keep open wide?
but tell me, then, now that you taste
of love's sweet sav(i)or once again
what reason could there ever be
to not seek that delightful sea
of grace and life's fertility?

I am unworthy, wretched, full of sin
distracted, fearful, absent, numb
too broken to make efforts strong
my will a prisoner perdu
in psychic iron dungeons deep

and yet

I am here

and I know

my Sun has not forgotten me

it hears the prayer of my soul
and touches me
like rainbow fire
feathered breeze
and living water
filling me

a visitation
from the heaven of my heart

which I and all my many selves
can only wonder at
and few, so few have wits enough
to thank, and stoke that gemstone flame
with works of love, day by day
and so we wander
strangers, fools
except the few
who leave all else
to follow Love
and find true Self.

once upon a time there was a magnetic love
approaching the heart of the loved
but it was moving too fast
it hit an obstacle
and broke into pieces from the shock
and those pieces scattered all around
still attracted, but in chaotic motion
they orbit the hearts of lover and loved
meeting other pieces, other obstacles
at first not knowing which is which
only over time, over aeons of time
through many setbacks and wrong paths
does that love learn to recognize
and reunite its parts
converting chaos and complexity
into the original divine simplicity
the true, unlimited and pure
the essence and the power.

it is the beginning
it is the end
it is the process
and the motivation
it will not be perfect
until it is whole
but imperfectly they try
to seek it
within, without
and in between
in who they are
and what it is not
in what they are not.

there is not love
without awareness
nor wisdom
without compassion.

soul search penetrates
to bone and marrow.
it is in the process
that we find our redemption.

How much say do we have
in defining who we are?

Is it our choices that define us?
Or our God-given nature?

Our nature is infinite in essence,
but particular in expression.

I long for the ecstatic joy and freedom of Source.
Alas, I will never know it as long as "I" exist.

But I don't.
I'm an imaginary character, playing a part.
That's all.
And when my part is through,
I will smile and remember
or scream and fight to the last
and die
in glory or oblivion
in accordance with how my part was played.

Did I find redemption?
Did I save my heart from the
darkness within it?
In the moment of truth,
did I fall or did I rise?

Prepare me, O Lord Shiva.
Cleanse my blackened self.
Blow the carbon out of my jets.
Burn me, burn me through
and let no impurity remain.

Lord Shiva does not answer.
He cannot do for me
what I must do for myself.
I know not how much work is left,
be it a lifetime, or an age,
or eternity.

And so I continue
the alternating heat and cold,
light and dark
process of the Great Work:
to know myself.

If it is so, as my dream has told,
that, in another time and place,
I was a hired killer,
then it comes as no surprise
that in this lifetime, I should be
a wounded healer,
channeling life and love and light
through hands that once devoured them.

My past is with me - I cannot change it -
reminding me of the depths of evil
of which I am capable.
What led me to murder fellow beings
who'd done me no harm?
It was fear, only fear
and unknowing.
So the antidote, you see,
must be love,
love
and awareness.

The bodhisattva exhorts us
to continually seek the One,
to make it the focus of all our endeavours,
to diminish our vain and limiting thoughts about ourselves
and let the light of the real shine through.

There are few, so few, who take these words to heart
and employ this sincere counsel of the wise.
Myself, I know not how,
for my desire is yet divided
and my will a sputtering pipe.
My hope lies in the mysterious
and inescapable workings
of the Architect
who owns all ways and means
with which to challenge hearts and minds
and, given only time,
win over all Creation
and make it bloom ever so much more wondrously
each time it's seemed to die.

the gods play poker, the gods play dice
lay wagers on the freewill choice
of mortals, watching from above
to see the outworkings of love
within us, or the lack thereof
creating pain or paradise

let the gods themselves amuse
and know that all the world's a ruse
set up within duality
a ring of false dichotomy
exposed for those with eyes to see
with gnostic impartiality
what we might gain, or rather lose

dependent on our heart's desire
for freedom, spirit's holy fire
can burn away what holds us back
but only if we live the fact
of what we are, undo the stack
of karma, penetrate the pack
of lies and seek what takes us higher

create and sing and dance and serve
and learn the place of every nerve
and celebrate what brought you here
the truth that resonates so clear
for all who have the ears to hear
beyond the senses' maya curve

that God is One and All is God
perfection veiled, appearing flawed
evolving through humanity
we manifest the energy
reveal it incrementally
Love is the universal Law.

oh, you were young, and saw too much
hypocrisy you could not bear
and so you ran, you sought escape
from petty rules and hollow scripts
you turned from that which, until then
had nurtured you, provided hope
but hope was dashed upon the rocks
it seemed a lie, what else was there
but flight, surrender to what might
be found outside, in lawless world
a freedom, sure, and many things
that promised much, or so it seemed
you tasted love in many forms
for love was all you thought you'd need
your anchor, faith, security
(but music was your energy)
relationships dissatisfied
in course of time, it became clear
that something else was needed here
a sure foundation 'gainst the fear
of death, aloneness in your heart
no earthly view was any help
and so you thought of going back
you had a friend who bore your name
she spoke to you with humble grace
the words that you so longed to hear
and so you made the choice to walk
again the path you'd left and scorned
for now you saw its preciousness
a truth behind the human flaws
was something you could build upon
it brought you peace and lofty joy
but on that same auspicious day
another friend you gained in me
we knew each other from before
from many lives and thousand-years
I said, for that was how I felt
the moment I first saw your face
though such philosophies do reach
beyond the bounds approved by men
who place authority in tales
and moribund interpretations
of them, lacking relevance
to me and what I see as being
the core and essence of this life
which is to live it ever more
abundantly in consciousness
of all that is within, without
and learn to love with all one's heart
embrace what is, forgive the hurt
and see the unity of all
mankind, and nature with its mysteries
to be explored with joy sincere
and thankfulness for everything
but Spirit's message is the same
no matter what the form it takes
I have no fear that you would be
much led astray by falsity
I know the strength you bear in you
connected to that spark divine
that guides one to the truth in time
you need but listen to your heart
have faith and know that God is here
and will not fail in his support
and providence in all your days
no matter what you choose to make
your way, so long as it is something true
to what you are, so use your gifts
increase the beauty in this world
make music, laugh, and let your friends
know just how deeply they are loved
because it's not as easy here
below as when we're in our full
magnificence, when we can see
each other as we truly are
great beings of potent majesty
and wisdom deep, forever-high
it's sad that here we're bound so tight
in time, there never is enough
apparent opportunity
to say the things we'd like to say
but I would like for you to know
however short the time we have
to share together in this life
it matters not, for there are more
and infinitely greater ways
for friendship's steadfast boat to sail
the seas of universe so vast
it ends not here, we shall continue
in some other time and place
there will be music, this I know
the music dancing to the flow
of evermore and ever yes
to life and simple happiness

The end is near
This time next year
I will have found
My sacred ground
Which, though the Earth
At last gives birth
With tremors, shocks
She opes the locks
Of heaven, of hell
Commence to swell
And shift her skin
No fight to win
It keeps the ones
Who there shall come
Unscathed, unharmed
They will be armed
With wisdom, light
How to do right
Within them shines
For in these times
All souls achieve
What they believe
Their purpose means
Beyond the screen
Of 3-D life
Cuts like a knife
The vorpal blade
Through dream persuades
The play directs
And time bisects
This is no end
But here attend:
No soul shall lose
But all must choose
Their path to live
And die, and live
There are two Earths
The other first
Needs time to rest
Become her best
But she shall host
Eventually most
Of all who wake
At that daybreak
When their worst fears
Pass over clear
And mercy dawns
Their lives go on
In time, they ascend
To join their friends
On that first Earth
Their home of birth
A heavenly place
Of stars and grace
Where even time
Is turned sublime