Limits of an Infinite Self

Hello again!

After months away, I put myself on the spot, to try to bring forth words that might hold some meaning relevant to the occasion. A summing up of the past year? What happened? I got older, certainly. Hit my first Saturn Return.

"Youth is wasted on the young." What does that mean? Did I waste my youth? Did I not make the most of my time while I had more freedom to do as I wished? (Yes and no. Realistically... no.)

Freedom. One of those words so poorly understood, and a thing so rare to experience when one's mind is shackled to its own limiting ideas. "None are so hopelessly enslaved as those who falsely believe that they are free." "Fate is written in the cards we are dealt, destiny manifests in how we play them." "Everything is under control." "You shall know the truth, and the truth shall set you free."

But truth is hard. It's not comfortable or convenient to us, as creatures of desire and fear. It takes experience, as served to us by a phenomenon we could think of as "Dungeon Master of the Universe," to get us to assimilate those truths we would rather hide from.



"Enlightenment is a destructive process." Light, objective awareness, undoes illusion so that what is can be perceived at a higher level of truth, understood from a more complete perspective. It is a peeling away and dismantling of the layers obscuring and distorting reality. What is, is. The more we become aware of what is, the more our barriers break down, our buffers collapse, our lies deflate and our conflicts come to resolution. This could not be otherwise, for the energy these patterns consume becomes too great in the presence of a growing awareness of what is. So we let go, we stop feeding them. Truth remains, self-existing. The burden of falsehood no longer hinders us. Our ghosts and mirages no longer lead us in fruitless circles.



But there are no circles, only spirals. Life is a continuous fractal wave, vibrating in all possible dimensions, one single energy flowing through all patterns. There is only one. All patterns evolve in a collective interdependence, unfolding according to their nature. Human beings are a type of pattern. But what defines human?




Form? Humanoid — a morphogenic template suited to a particular class of experience in physicality. Probably ubiquitous throughout the cosmos. Thousands of strains, millions of races, maybe. Who knows? All kinds of souls incarnate in human form. The whole spectrum of which could be represented here on Earth at this time, all with the same DNA template. Along with a number of non-souled human vehicles, serving other purposes... who knows?

Being human here is like being in a massively multiplayer, live-action roleplaying game — a sandbox. "We're all here to do what we're all here to do." You get your avatar when you're born, astrologically and genetically made to order for the type of experience you're going for, pre-loaded with your karmic imprint from previous lifetimes. You've got your soul family that you stick with inside the game and out, and you all agree to help each other along. Of course, there are levels to the gameplay, each with its own possibilities and challenges.... "Choose your own adventure." Be aware, else stumble and err, for snare upon snare awaits the unaware. So we learn and go on.

Some of us are playing at a more advanced level. Doesn't mean they're any better as individuals — probably they've just been at it longer than others, had more opportunity to gather experience. Probably spent time on other locales previous to coming here. They've honed specific skills, served and stumbled here in prior lifetimes, in preparation for the greatly enhanced opportunity offered by this time, extended to all beings incarnate here now.



The time of harvest. The turning of the age. A summing up, a great reckoning, a day of judgment that will see us all heading to wherever it is we're going from here. Your direction forward determined by who you've become, by your choices and by your heart's desire. Ultimately, by divine will, by the perfect wisdom resident in every atom, every cell, and every human being. The core of who we are, the inner dwelling-place of truth, our radiant living essence, knows exactly what is meant to happen, in accordance with the whole of existence. The separate mind cannot fathom such truth; it sees aimless chaos in direct relation to its degree of separation. Disappointment is its lot, after the fleeting sense of fulfillment that passes every time it satisfies another want.



The true "I" wants for nothing. It is already home, forever complete, forever at peace. It is the integration of Truth that leads to the knowing of this permanent "I": the fount of wisdom, the source of eternal joy, the wellspring of happiness, the author of infinity, the limitless Being, the all-knowing Love that permeates creation, the animating principle of Life itself. We are meant to enjoy full communion with it; it is our forgetting sleep that keeps us seemingly cut off, unaware of its presence. Our immersive identification with the unreal, the imaginaerum, this dream become nightmare in the dark age before the dawn, consumes us.



Be not afraid. There is nothing to harm you here. All is experience, a continuous evolution of experience. The self creates itself. It sees its own reflection. This is the mechanism behind soul evolution. It's what you do with it, and the quality of your awareness, that determines what you experience. Where do you want to go? Do you even know? Unknowing can lead to tragedy: the falling away, the path of destruction. The inverted path, where everything is reversed. Trajectory into disease, distortion, dysfunctional dynamics. Domination-subjugation. Deprivation and predation. Dependency and despair. Limitation and loss. It's a loop we all go through, on some level. But it, too, takes us forward. When we become aware. When we awaken. The detour is another adventure, another opportunity to see. We go deeper and deeper until we do begin to see. The phantom attraction fades and our discontent draws us toward the light. The longing grows within us to return. Home beckons us once again. This happens again and again and again.

I was recently prompted to watch Donnie Darko. It's one of those rare films that carry so much beneath the surface, daring the viewer to cast aside assumptions, observe, and dig in to see what's really there. A shallow or distorted reading of the film might even yield a negative message, but for the pure of heart and clear of mind, it's a profound, piercing, and potent work of art.


One of the threads in the plot explores the cult phenomenon. The classic elements are all there: a charismatic leader with a cleverly-crafted message, drawing in susceptible followers with his hypnotic spiel delivered on stage and through pricey videos and books. For me, it was interesting to note how the con was built from a seed of genuine truth – the dichotomy of Love and Fear – and subsequently inflated into hollow drivel with only the appearance of truth to the easily deceived. Even when the cult leader is fully exposed as a criminal deviant, the true believer refuses to accept reality, choosing to blame the scandal on a conspiracy to take down what she sees as a demigod-like messenger of salvation, “a wonderful man.”

A hallmark of those who are in the business of selling lies is that they cannot tolerate honest criticism. They will use every method at their disposal to deflect it and defuse the sparks of doubt. Open debate is not an option for them, because they know how deadly the truth is against deception on a level playing field. They will distort and reframe anything that threatens the lie in their own terms to try to preserve the illusion. They will use veiled psychological threats to keep their followers in line. Anyone who questions their dogma is “blinded,” “deluded,” “lost,” “confused,” “an agent of the enemy,” or some other handy descriptor. When undeniable facts come out, they will go into damage control mode to keep the core of the lie intact. But probably the cult leader's greatest weapon is the process of indoctrination that renders followers simply unable to break out of their programmed thinking. The herd instinct, carefully cultivated and stimulated, does the rest.

Of course there are positive aspects to being in a cult or cult-like community, from the member's point of view. Why else would they stay? Inside, they find purpose, direction, meaning. They are constantly reassured of the rightness and goodness of their belief system, and they can rejoice in having found the true way, the cure for their afflictions. The closeness and caring of the community, the pleasure of being in a group of like-minded people, the genuine friendships that form, the shared experiences. These are all powerful, positive things in a person's life, and there is certainly nothing wrong with having or wanting them. Moreover, the doctrine or “the way” itself may have very positive, even life-saving effects.

The troubles, however, are always present in some degree. For a naturally free-thinking individual, the ideology and the group-think can be restrictive to the point of annoyance and/or suppression of the inner self. The division between the membership and the outside world can take on pathological characteristics. The disconnect between programmed thought and reality can result in a variety of psychological maladies or other unfortunate side effects (for instance due to misapplication of an incomplete or faulty conceptual framework). Worst of all, the ones in leadership who knowingly promulgate the lie are invariably guilty of some combination of fraud, exploitation, and corruption, and, more often than not, are sexual predators to boot. There's no way to sugar-coat this awful reality. They are wolves in sheep's clothing and they have no conscience whatsoever, nor any regard for the human consequences of their actions.

It will be apparent to some that these thoughts, while intended as generalities, may also be read in the context of my former religious affiliation. However, it's not my intent to maliciously attack anything or anyone. My only motives are compassion and the desire for truth. I fervently pray that those with strength of spirit and eyes to see will be there to support their brethren and keep the light of truth. If nothing else, I would exhort such a one to seek and serve only the Divine, with all the integrity, honesty, patience, and love you can muster. Your Lord has given you something absolute, perfect, and real: his own Spirit, to dwell in your innermost heart. That Spirit speaks directly to you. When you open yourself, truly listen, and hear that still, small voice, you will KNOW it. Let there be no higher authority in your life than that awesome, living presence within. Let no words of man or thoughts of ego prevail against it.

Jesus gave one commandment: love God, and love your neighbour as yourself. When you come to see the divine essence in all things, and live authentically in the Spirit of God, there is no need for commandments at all. Laws and punishments are for those darkened souls who lack or choose to ignore this inner guidance.

I had a dream today in which a simple and powerful key was revealed to me. This key was like flipping a switch inside oneself, and it led one effortlessly to inner peace and understanding and a more divine way of being. I fumbled around for that key after waking up – I remembered what it did, but I'd forgotten what it was. I do believe I later recalled it, in part, on a contemplative walk through the park. It was related to what I said in the beginning about watching Donnie Darko: the act of pure observation of what is, unburdened by one's own, pre-existing ideas. Allowing, not forcing. “This is what it is, not what I think it is or what it should be according to my beliefs.” This shift in consciousness brings about a sense of wonder, and opens one to the flow of authentic impressions that, over time, leads only toward truth – and the dawning delight of discovery.

In this life, certain things can be laughed at and other things are deadly serious. Those other things can kill you, and worse.

If you believe that, then welcome to Penitentiary Planet Earth, third rock from the Sun and home of seven billion (and soon to be a lot fewer) pitiful little creatures who once enjoyed the pleasure of being free human souls. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Of course, if you knew the truth, you would be laughing at me instead of the other way round. Because that's how it is.

There are laws and then there are laws. Lower creatures are subject to lower laws, and higher creatures are bound by a higher set of laws. You know there are people who get away with murder, right? I mean, take a look. It's almost like the more deaths you're responsible for, the more untouchable you are – provided, of course, that you're also rolling in the cashola. The material god of this world is on the side of those with the greatest amount of dough, baby. So how surprising is it that the wealthy few are now Extremely F---ing Wealthy, to the tune of billions in digital currencies and billions more in real assets, while some 95% of the world lives in perpetual debt slavery? Pretty good deal for the moneybags. When you practically own the planet, the world's your oyster. Excuse me while I puke from the sheer awesomeness of the situation. Didn't taste like oyster, though, I'll admit.

Where was I? Yes, these self-proclaimed elite world leaders. The ones who you see (or don't see, thanks to our ever-so-vigilant public eyes in the media) attending such fancy clubs as the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. But not so much them, of course, as the ones holding their (purse) strings. In any event, for the sake of convenience, let's treat them all as one big happy psychopathic family. Where a smile means anything but and loyalty comes from a deep pocket and a big, big gun. Mutually assured pathology is such a beautiful thing.

The real beauty of this arrangement is that nothing is as it appears to be. To the unawakened masses (who are a conspicuously dwindling lot these days), these lizard-tongued phonies and their little crooked cronies are indistinguishable from the fictitious roles they play for the benefit of the brainwashed-from-birth bozos who believe whatever the babbling boob box tells them. Fortunately for you and me, my friend, things are not as they might appear to us either. If you've followed any of the alternative news sites on the web, you know (or at least, I'm telling you now) what a sorry sack of pungent manure they carry. The truth, they call it. Well, I call it fertilizer for the brain. What these conveyors of information (and varying amounts of disinformation, don't forget) fail to perceive is up to you and me, the discerning readers, to fill in. Not everyone is a compulsive fact-checker or info-miner, and you don't need to be those things to break through to the essential truth. Which is... what? Well, hang on.

Let's go back to the notion of law. As you may perhaps suspect by now, the lying murderers and child-molesters at the top of the worldly pyramid are not operating under the same set of laws as you and me. On the surface of it, they make the laws and break them as they please, while we are subject to an increasingly arbitrary and bewildering system built on books full of arcane legal language and intimidation both physical and psychological. The list of dos and don'ts in our modern society is truly a wonder of intergenerational programming. They do it to us and we finish the job for them. The scientific dictatorship, as imagined by Orwell and predicted by many others, with its veneer of rational ideology, institutionalized mass murder and theft, and false promises of security and prosperity, now constitutes our everyday reality. Or so it would appear.

What it comes down to, is this: who's got the power? If you think it's them, well, I guess you're right. Better stock up on ammo and food, then, and hope everything goes your way when the shit hits the fan. But that's a choice you make. In my reality, these clowns have no power whatsoever, beyond the ephemeral power of the illusions they create in your mind. You see, they are absolutely dependent upon you not realizing that there are in fact much higher laws than the ones they use to control you, and that by raising your level of awareness, you in fact begin to operate above and beyond those cleverly imposed restrictions.

The law of those who seek to control humanity is a cruel one. The human parasites are themselves fed upon by parasites of a higher order, and anyone who takes the path of deceit and betrayal will inevitably be deceived and betrayed in turn. A system of control is an unstable thing in the natural world. It can survive only by consuming, threatening, and lying, and these activities have finite limits, which, when attained, result in the collapse of the system. By contrast, the dictum of live and let live, certainly preferable to the aforementioned law, is unlimited in practice. Love, freedom, and creativity act to expand the realm of possibility, and indeed, in so doing, will tend to expand themselves.

But let me speak of something else here that will hopefully clarify the issue on a deeper level. Not everyone will agree with my take on this, but it works very well for me.

What are we? If we are mere physical beings, then we are certainly doomed. Death follows birth, and this simple fact is one that the material mind most fears to accept. Is it fair to say that fear of death is the prime motivator of the egoic mind? We can say that this mind has evolved for the sole purpose of prolonging life and bettering the prospects of passing on one's genes for the continuation of the species. What other purpose could it have? And so the higher faculties and sensibilities of man are thus seen as adaptations for survival in an increasingly complex environment. This is the basic position of what we commonly call Science.

Religion counters this and offers release from the primal fear of death by which mankind is afflicted. It posits something invisible to the natural senses, some higher aspect to this being, and calls it the soul. The soul, it is said, cannot die. Unfortunately for us, however, little agreement is ever reached as to the specific nature of this soul, nor the way by which that soul might reach a more agreeable state than this thorny vale of tears, forever caught between heaven and hell. The best that religion can provide for this life is a moral code and a sense of meaning and direction, though its assurances be often unprovable.

Is there a way out of this conundrum? I speak for those who are less than fully satisfied with the dogmas of both Science and Religion as they are commonly presented. What are they missing? I would suggest that the answer has to do with a kind of truth that is beyond the reach of either of these modes as long as they cling to their preconceived limits. It is a truth that must be discovered personally by each one who seeks it. The true, hidden nature of ourselves – whatever that is – is the key.

Now. If that true, hidden nature is that we are the both the dreamer and the dreamed – and it's clear to me that we are – then the whole situation with these madmen who seemingly run the show here for their own pleasure and profit becomes a laugh. They are the fools! We are in charge! And I mean “we” as in the divine aspect of ourselves, naturally – the One. Hey, all we need to do is get in touch with that. Gosh, what a game-changer. Whoops! I guess all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. And that's handy, because it turns out that, besides being the main instrument of our oppression, fear was also the main sustenance of a host of unpleasant beings that populated the unseen portion of our planetary prison. By starving them, we now force them to move out. Perhaps they will feed on each other? Nom nom nom. Goodbye!

If I'm right, then what we're going to see in the run-up to the Big Crunch that's coming (and by that I mean the point at which all roads meet) is a lot of heavy drama and a lot of wild revelations coming out that these hopelessly deluded ruling-class sock puppets would have preferred to keep under wraps if they could have. Unfortunately for them, all that they do will only end up turning against them and they will make fools of themselves for all the world to see. This is because they really are actual sock puppets that think they can write the script when they don't even realize who owns the stage. The show itself is a cosmic morality play that reads like tragedy and comedy all at the same time.

Do you see the funny side? I hope you can, because I've seen it, and, well, it's nothing but a grand old hoot. It's one hell of a good time. Had me laughing so hard, it was a piece of heaven. You know what laughter is. It's the sound of a soul set free to fly.

Wishing you many laughs (and warm hugs too),
~william

Observe what is. Let the chatter and the motion go on as it will. Don't force the stillness. It's there, behind the noise. Like a screen, it shows the movie, and may appear to be the movie if you forget yourself, become hypnotized by the moving picture, the appearance of reality. But if you focus on the screen itself, you may begin to feel the impression of looking into a mirror. Two eyes looking out at two eyes looking back in. Who is this presence? It is yourself. It is pure awareness. It is the only eternal thing; all else is projection, flickering by, frame by infinitesimal frame, each seemingly created and destroyed in turn, yet so fast as to appear continuous. This is the flow of time, which doesn't really flow, because it doesn't really exist, except as a subjective, illusory experience. A dream. Because, after all, what else is there for an infinite, singular awareness to do?

Spirit and matter. Creator and created. We are the confluence of both. Through countless aeons of time, matter organizes itself according to the patterns suggested by Spirit, imprinted upon the aether as spiraling forms of purest, subtlest energy. On the molecular level, a miraculous thing occurs: the omnipresent Spirit retreats almost entirely from view. Matter seems ruled by raw mechanics, blind forces, a chaoarchy of chance and determinism. But the first simple forms of life evolve spontaneously, ubiquitously, wherever a suitable mix of ingredients is present and the conditions allow for it. And so begins the wondrous progression of complexity, from cell to multicell, until entire planets are covered with richly woven tapestries of life, ecosystems interwebbed in a gloriously dynamic order. The underlying patterns of energy inspire an endless variety of forms, periodically transforming as the frequency turns up in quantum shifts that emanate from the hot galactic centers.

We are the next step. The group souls of the animal kingdom, defined at the level of species, begin to differentiate into individual souls, capable of self-reflection. A humanoid form arises. Now begins the most challenging phase, as consciousness bridges the gap from instinctive animal behaviour through to peaceful, space-faring culture. There are other options, too, for those so inclined: realms above and below this plane, reachable after many lifetimes of work at those times when the veil dividing them is briefly parted. It is here, however, that we are able to experience the forces of both heaven and hell in equal measure, according to our choice. In this crucible is forged, from the base material of primitive man, a purer being.




Spirit awakens from its dormancy and becomes a living spark. That flame of the heart, the most noble part of man, guides, enlightens, and sanctifies his being. It will teach him of courage, and beauty, and love, with endless patience so long as it still burns. If he will heed its tutelage, the way will be opened before him and he will walk through the shadows in its flickering light.

Monsters and shades of monsters will threaten. The worst of them will come from within. But no matter how fearsome they may be, they will never be able to destroy the one who guards that precious light in her bosom, though they kill the flesh and feed on the very soul. Many battles will be lost ere the first is won, yet in time the victories will come more easily – or would, but for the ancient law of the worthy adversary and the burden equal to one's strength. All is arranged with a distinct purpose ordained by Spirit, all for the incremental progress of the soul on its chosen path of experience.

And so we come to the crisis point, a time of epic potential. Evils are unleashed that were previously unimaginable. For it is only under the uttermost existential threat that the portion of Spirit that sleeps the deepest may be persuaded to rise up and be counted. But when it does, when the awakening in its fullness at last unfolds, there is no limit to what is possible. From there we go on to a new phase and a new dawn, in which a global humanity, now reunited with its brothers and sisters from afar, begins its incredible journey into the great expansive frontier of the stars.

(This is one of those entries where I supposedly talk about a person, maybe plug their work, and try to voice some sort of opinion. It's probably unnecessary, probably very ego-driven, and probably reflects a lot more on me than it does on the person in question. But here I am regardless, doing it again for whatever unfathomable reason. So just bear with me, I guess.)

Project Camelot (no, I'm not opening that can of worms today, fascinating as all the drama may be) recently published this interview with Laura Knight-Jadczyk, which, now that I've finally been able to watch it, has got to be one of my favourite Camelot interviews of all time. I suppose I'm a bit late to the party, since it's already been viewed over 33,000 times, but whatever. I highly recommend it. Camelot's version doesn't have the best video quality, but due to load times, it's the one I watched, and the quality ceased to be an issue for me once the interview hit its stride somewhere in the first hour. (Laura's own HD version is here, on Sott.net.)

So. Laura. Very interesting character with very interesting ideas. Genuine truth-seeker, I would say almost the epitome of the honest truth-seeker. Has had some nasty accusations thrown at her, which are plain ridiculous for the most part, being ad-hominem and not based on much other than a desire to take her down. On the other hand, there is room for legitimate criticism, stemming from differences in perspective or from mistakes she may have made as a fallible human being with her own weaknesses. She has had to navigate some extremely difficult terrain, and I think she has probably had a hyper-dimensional target painted on her back ever since she started thinking she had something to share with the world, and even before then. That's just the way it is and I can't blame her at all for having the worldview that she does. In fact, I have to pretty much agree with her worldview, from certain perspectives, although I don't always take those perspectives. In any case, the information she has brought to the table through her research and her work with the Cassiopaeans is truly important, in my opinion, and really helps explain so much that might otherwise be less clear.

I don't know if there's that much more to say. Her work speaks for itself. If you're interested in the nature of our reality as it appears beyond the veil of lies and deception promoted by the powers that be, and you've already covered the basics through other sources, do check it out and judge for yourself. (Personally, I found myself drawn to The Wave series especially.)

I am often frustrated by the inadequacy of language as a mode of expression. Stringing words together in a linear sequence to form sentences and paragraphs seems so clumsy and crude. The confluence of brevity and precision is so hard to achieve. In writing, thank goodness, the process of composition is at least somewhat non-linear and unbound by time, which is a big help. But the fact remains that one is limited to a single perspective and a single voice at any one time, and as a result, the literal description of a complex thought or idea takes a great many words.

Poetry seeks to circumvent this limitation by calling upon the imagination of the reader as a decoding device. It is well understood that poetry is not like prose; it cannot be absorbed in an instant of literal understanding. It requires the engagement of the intuitive faculty. Because it depends upon the ability of the reader to decode it subjectively, poetry remains more or less opaque to the mind that is not already calibrated to receive it.

Even now, looking back on the few sentences above, I despair of my inability to express what I mean. I feel like a painter without the ability to mix his colours. If I say this, then it is automatically not-that until I say that as well.

I would like there to be a mode of communication that were more like a holographic projection than a flat image built up of one-dimensional lines. Instead of one word illuminating one little piece of an idea at a time, I could convey the whole idea at once, with all its shades and subtleties, in such a way that it could be viewed from all the multiple perspectives that I perceive.

Of course, such a mode exists, although few of us are yet able to make much use of it. It's called telepathy. My concept of telepathy is that it is something like poetry, something like music, something like sculpture and painting and photography and dance and theatre. It is all these things and more. Speaking and writing would be included, but in their higher-dimensional aspects.

The Internet gives us the ability to start bridging toward that model. Using hyperlinks, mouse-over texts, context menus, images, sounds, videos, and other interactive media, it is possible to convey information in an almost fractal or holographic way. For this reason, I sometimes think of the Internet as “training wheels for telepathy.” True telepathy will be much smoother and faster, since we will no longer need these crude technological interfaces and our brains will be operating at a much higher bandwidth than they do now, in higher dimensions, allowing for exponentially greater data density.

The transhumanists believe this will be achieved through man-made technology. Maybe it will, for some, but I would much rather let it happen naturally, through the activation of DNA. That, I think, would ensure that physical evolution doesn't happen without the corresponding spiritual evolution that is needed to be able to handle the new abilities responsibly.

I know there are going to be people reading this who think this idea of our consciousness evolving is just New Age bullshit being pushed on the masses to distract and placate us while the controllers steal the last of our wealth, genocide the useless eaters, and implement the final stages of their world police state. Others will call bullshit on both of these views. It doesn't matter. You can believe whatever you want, and you will. This is just me talking.

Anyway, I'm of the opinion that we're all one mind to begin with, so telepathy is ultimately nothing more than us realizing and manifesting a slightly truer image of ourselves. Whatever you might think of that, isn't it interesting to note how there's less and less privacy, more and more transparency in all human affairs? That's why so much dirty laundry is coming out into the open. You can't keep secrets anymore. The times don't allow it. For those who only want the truth, that's great news. And if you've got something you're hiding from the world, well... I'd say you'd better come clean while you still have the chance, because it's going to come out one way or another, telepathy or no.

This is the sixth and final Night of the Galactic Underworld. Shit stinks and there's no hiding the smell. We've all got our own shit to deal with. Hoo-ee! These are the times that try men's souls. (And women's, obviously. Stupid language with its stupid conventions.) Yeah. So let's all work on ourselves and not waste time about it. Evolution ain't optional, I'm afraid. It's happening whether you want it to or not, and the more you resist, the tougher the schoolmaster'll have to get on you. Might as well do it the fun way, huh?

That sounds like a good idea to me.

It goes almost without saying that I've been going through a very transformative time lately. What else is new, right? (grin) This time I feel I'm really making progress in some fundamental areas. My whole sense of reality has begun to shift on an ever-deeper level, beyond mere intellectual awareness and into the level of basic belief and manifest experience.

The last time I wrote, my breakthrough was the laying of a particular foundational rock, the ability to stand firm in the knowledge that I AM, therefore I AM. The implications of this knowledge are far-reaching. If I Am as the Infinite Is, then truly I am the Infinite. (As are you and as is everything in existence.) My conscious, egoic mind now has a way to become a tool and a partner in life, such that it might eventually know its place and be able to be called up and used or set aside at will.

After this epiphany, it was natural for me to attract to myself the next piece of the puzzle. It's a piece that I've always had with me; again, this was simply a matter of having it clarified and brought home in a more personally meaningful and relevant way.

The re-Minder (re-Hearter) in this case was David Icke's Tales from the Time Loop, specifically the latter portion. David, in his inimitably down-to-earth style, makes very clear his understanding that “Infinite Love is the only truth; everything else is illusion.” He reduces our seeming reality into the vibrations of energy that it fundamentally is. We are infinite consciousness choosing to have an experience of being human. Our five senses function to receive vibrational signals and construct an immersive virtual reality experience that we then like to think is perfectly real and solid and existing, in an absolute sense, independently of ourselves. Wrong!

Where did all that vibrating energy come from? It came from consciousness to begin with! So what we are observing as this seeming world “out there” is in fact a direct reflection of the thoughts that consciousness is having. Thoughts become things through the alchemy of creation. By thinking something, consciousness also creates it. Because it's all just a virtual reality, right? So, then... what's the power behind it all???

It's Love, silly! That's the whole reason for creating anything in the first place. Love is what makes up and sustains everything that is. And the Love of Prime Creator is a perfect, all-encompassing Love that is the only thing that really exists in an absolute and eternal sense. When we speak of Oneness, we are speaking of Infinite Love. They are the same thing.

Oneness does not vibrate, because there are no two different states for it to oscillate between. It is totally still. It simply IS. David Icke puts it so well when he describes how to get in touch with Infinite Love. All it takes is stillness. He doesn't feel the need to “meditate,” but he often does simply “sit quietly,” allowing all illusory thoughts to recede from his mind, allowing stillness to enter in. In that place of peace and stillness is the awareness of Infinite Love.


In my very limited experience, I have found that David's method can work to at least some degree. I have personally, however, had more success (i.e. a more “spectacular” experience) by placing my hands over my heart chakra and visualizing it opening like a flower with layer upon layer of petals, becoming ever more exposed and vulnerable. At the same time, I let go of ego as best I can and focus my being on just surrendering to the awesome truth of what is, to the experience of divine Love. With this method, I've been able to feel half-second bursts of the most incredible feeling I could imagine. And yet, I know that all I've allowed myself to feel has been the merest shadow, the faintest holographic imprint, of what Infinite Love really is. If I felt much more than that, I think I'd blow every fuse in my body. (grin)



I've been exposed to the idea of “You create your own reality” in an explicit way only since I read an e-book on “manifesting” using the so-called “Law of Attraction” a couple of years ago. However, that book didn't really seem to convey a full grasp of it all, in a practicable way, now that I compare it to Montalk's excellent summary on reality creation (Part 1, Part 2). You'll want to read that one for sure.

Reality creation is nothing more than the use of certain metaphysical principles to influence a given reality into being. Key factors are conscious intent (confidently deciding something, declaring it as your intent), attraction (holding thoughts that resonate with the desired reality), appropriate action (meeting reality halfway, creating possibilities for manifestation), and non-anticipation (anticipating something energetically blocks it from occurring in the way anticipated). Anxiety and doubt are obstacles to manifestation, whereas a nonchalant attitude of confidence and simple trust is key.

I have had at least one quite persuasive, though small-scale, success with reality creation. I once had a veritable clan of indestructible warts on my feet that persisted for many years, far longer than warts are supposed to last, despite my every attempt to scour them away with whatever wart cures the pharmacy had to offer. Finally, I decided, “Heck with it, I might as well try some of this voodoo, woo-woo stuff.” I put myself into as deep a trance state as I could achieve and thought wart-free thoughts as fervently as I could muster. For the next two weeks, I took “appropriate action” by eating a strict raw-foods, vegan diet. I hardly thought about my warts. I was emotionally detached from the results of the whole endeavour. Lo and behold, one morning I took a look at my feet: not a single wart nor any sign that I'd ever had one. As far as I'm concerned, that was reality creation at work, by the book. For a long time, I kind of half-dismissed the whole thing as an unrepeatable fluke, but I'm now hoping to use it to manifest progressively more spectacular results.



“Flow” is a related concept, also relevant to my current situation. I've been more or less pretty well in it lately, except for a few rough patches. Flow happens when you're following the path of least resistance. Conventional wisdom might call this laziness, but I call it not being a stupid goat-head, bashing yourself against the fence when you could just walk around it. One of David Icke's aphorisms is “Flow equals Go; Stuck equals Chuck (or change).” Being in the Flow is simply a sign that you're on the right track in life, doing what you're meant to be doing. Life isn't meant to be a miserable cycle of soul-sucking drudgery and failure; if that's your experience, then UR DOIN IT RONG. Either that or you actually signed up for such an experience before coming here; in that case, don't complain. (grin)

It's absolutely essential, if you want to get into the Flow and stay there, to follow your intuition. It'll never steer you wrong if you just cultivate the ability to hear what it's actually saying. Your intuition comes from the part of you, the non-egoic part, that's connected with all things and knows all things. It may come as the merest whisper or nudge, but you ignore it at your peril. The logical, reasoning mind can only see to the next bend, but the intuitive mind sees the whole route at once. It's there to guide you, so make use of it.

Remember the Little Engine that Could? He believed he could, and so that was his reality. If he'd believed the opposite, then he'd have gotten the opposite reality, “can't” instead of “can.” Believing makes it so. Be careful what you believe, what you tell yourself, and what you let others tell you. Your core beliefs are more than just the lens through which you view reality; they ultimately create that reality.

That's all I've got this time. Thanks for tuning in!

Human experience follows a limited set of archetypes. One of the best-known models of this set is laid out in the 22 Major Arcana of the Tarot. Card XVI, The Tower, represents the archetype of the Dark Night of the Soul.

I just passed through a Dark Night of the Soul experience, and am still very much in the process of learning from it, seeking and assimilating the wisdom to be gained. I am grateful to several individuals in particular for helping me pull through. One of them is a public figure, rapper KRS-ONE. His lecture Hip Hop Beyond Entertainment was instrumental in bringing about the personal epiphany that brought this most recent Dark Night experience of mine to a definitive close.

KRS-ONE re-minded me (re-HEARTed is more like it) of the primal significance of the realization that I AM. That's where our true power comes from, the power to truly end slavery – to end the entire idea, the very consciousness behind slavery. To paraphrase the hip hop philosopher, as long as you're looking outside yourself for validation, you are FREED – not FREE. Freedom – self-actualization – is what gives someone the ability to take a worthless rag, tie it around their head, walk around in public like that rag is worth ten thousand bucks, and end up having other people actually pay ten thousand bucks to have one just like it.

And that's pretty much what hip hop did. It came out of seemingly hopeless circumstances: war overseas, fatherless families, an epidemic of heroin, substandard education, and a cycle of poverty. That generation, in order to survive in a world where it was effectively excluded from the mainstream of society, had to self-create its own identity outside the mainstream. If they'd waited for permission to have a culture, or to join the wider, established culture, they'd still be waiting. Except they'd probably be dead. It was Do or die, so the ones who refused to die... Did. Lacking instruments, they made their own music with what they did have. Lacking approved venues for their visual art, they used the surfaces that were there, whether they had permission or not; hence, graffiti. Their solution to the impossibility of their situation was to reject the reality of their parents' generation and replace it with their own reality, one that they could understand and that reflected their own values. Hip hop didn't need approval, it approved itself... and flourished. By the same token, FREE human beings don't need to earn the right to exist, they have that right intrinsically, because they exist. I AM, therefore I AM.

What value do you place on yourself? Are you worth more if you own more real estate or have a bigger bank account? Are you more human because you have a family and other people who care about you? If you don't value your soul, does it have worth? Are you less than completely you if you lack the university degree or the job you want? Does your self-worth depend on someone else's say-so? And who is responsible for you? Do you want somebody to protect you from your own choices, or are you willing to face the consequences without blinking? If you say you're going to do something, and then don't hold yourself to it, what was the point? Your existence either means something, or it doesn't. If it doesn't, then you might as well not exist. And would you choose that, really? Because it is a choice. You may not have to earn your right to exist, but you sure as hell ought to claim it. Because if you don't own your life, someone else will.

Me, I'm still working on getting this through to myself. It's been four and a half years since the first time I consciously came to this realization. That time I ended up losing my nerve, sliding back. I reckon it's a case of “not being ready 'till you're ready.” But I think the point's been driven just a liiiittle closer to home this time. If it takes another Dark Night before I'm really ready, then so be it. But I'm not throwing away this chance.

Thank you, God, and thank me, God.

Espavo, Namasté, and peace out.

Okay, so he's not really a face – I couldn't find a picture of the guy – but Clif High, if anyone, is a true renaissance man. He doesn't paint, but together with his associates (notably George Ure) he has almost single-handedly invented a whole new science: predictive linguistics. (Though it's a safe bet that some government agencies have probably developed their own versions of it for their own uses, wink wink.) Before anyone dismisses him as a quack, I'd like to point out that he's not proposing anything more radical or against the grain than the simple hypothesis that probable future events with high emotional impact can send ripples backward in time that subtly affect the word choices people subconsciously make in their everyday communications on the Internet. OK, that is pretty radical. But he's under no delusions of being able to actually predict the future, and he makes that very clear. What predictive linguistics can do is spot trends in language that, processed and interpreted, often appear to correlate strongly with events that happen later, right down to the specific timing and archetypal significance of the events.

(To demonstrate the principle that we're all a little bit psychic, just do some searching for references to the events of September 11, 2001 from before that date. You'll turn up the most uncanny references in the most unlikely places. It's hard to believe any common person had foreknowledge of the attacks, so a more plausible explanation is that these were psychic echoes reaching back in time, conceivably transmitted, propagated, and received through some kind of shared subconscious.)

Clif himself does a much better job of describing the technical process, but essentially you have a bunch of “spyders” or web bots constantly reading new material on the Internet, programmed to look for certain words and phrases and record the words and phrases that surround them. This generates a huge amount of raw data that becomes the input for “modelspace,” a computer-generated model of how language is being used. From there it's a matter of filtering out the noise, picking out the trends in word associations that might mean something, and trying to puzzle together just what the heck they mean. That process is messy, delicate, extremely complicated, heavily biased, and subject to a metric crapload of error.

Clif periodically publishes the results of this mad science in the Asymmetric Language Trend Analysis (ALTA) reports, which he makes available, complete with dire warning labels and a page's worth of fine-print disclaimers, for a very modest per-issue subscription fee. I ordered Volume 0, Issue 1 back in August, and I have to say he's not kidding with those warnings. If you do buy one yourself (you poor sap), don't distribute copies and don't post the text of it online. That messes up the modelspace with self-referential knots that Clif then has to lose sleep untying, and could threaten the whole project. Other than that, have fun scaring the bejeebers out of yourself! Yup, it's probably a good idea not to take any of it too seriously.

As an antidote to the intense negativity in his ALTA reports and to the crummy side of life in general, Clif recommends pie. In fact, he's earned himself the nickname of “pie guru.” This and many, many other highly worthwhile tidbits come out in his frequent radio interviews. I never cease to be amazed at the scope of the man's knowledge. He must have read thousands of books on all kinds of interesting topics.

Anyway, the reports aren't all doom and gloom. – Oops, I just caught myself about to copy-paste from the August 2009 report. Hmm, gotta put this in my own words. Well, there's a catch-all entity in modelspace for all the weird, unknown, unexplained, and officially denied stuff. For some reason, it's apparently less inaccurate than the other entities, and going by the report, we should be headed for some highly interesting times in that area. In fact, those times have already begun, with NASA obligingly having gone ahead with its absurd plan to “bomb” the moon. A funny choice of words for a funny little operation. “Looking for water?” Puh-leeze.

Also according to Volume 0, Issue 1, we should now (November 4-8, 2009) be in the minimum of a “low” period of “building” emotional tension, as opposed to a high, where the uptight energy gets released. Which could explain why I'm feeling almost euphoric about how things in general are going. Thinking back one year, to my twenty-fourth birthday and the election of Barack Obama, my emotions were very similar, although much stronger, at that time as well. Perhaps it's one of those echoes, going forward in time?

As a final note on Clif High's work thus far and as the segue to my next entry, the report contains references to a mysterious figure known as the “dog poet,” who is supposed to become a key personage in the coming “war” between the powers-that-be and the common folk. The report is quite circumspect as to the identity of this person, with Clif undoubtedly looking to provide just enough clues so that the aware can deduce who it is, without placing this individual at risk. Fortunately, though, the Dog Poet himself has since come forward, and has, I assume, not overly endangered himself by doing so. Who is he? Stay tuned and find out.

David Wilcock has had an active Internet presence since the '90s, and his popularity has steadily risen. He started his public career doing dream readings, but stopped when the demand became too great to keep up with. He's best known for his research into consciousness science, based on the idea that consciousness is an omnipresent energy field that underlies all physical phenomena. In support of this and related hypotheses, he presents a considerable amount of persuasive evidence from experimental data that, all too often, has been glossed over, shrugged off, or swept under the rug by the mainstream scientific community. Eventually, I believe, the stuff he talks about will be commonly accepted in crotchety ol' academic circles as well. ;)

David's work is quite broad in scope. In addition to the research, the writing, and the lecturing, he has produced a double-length music album in collaboration with Larry Seyer called Wanderer Awakening. David did the drum section and all the vocals himself. I have listened to it many times, despite the fact that the music genre (varieties of '60s–'70s classic rock) was mostly rather foreign to my pre-existing tastes. The album has grown on me, however, and it always leaves me in a refreshed and uplifted state of mind and heart. If I have any criticism, it's that his lyrics are sometimes kinda literal and preachy, in a prosy style for the most part – but actually, now that I think about it, there's a lot of poetic bits too, more open to interpretation. Some might be put off by the fact that the narrator starts out as a cosmic creator-being who then descends to a human level, but I think the premise is executed well in an artistic sense and can be appreciated without necessarily buying into the philosophy. The closing words of the album resonate so deeply in my soul that it's almost scary. (grin) But seriously, it's all about releasing fear and the desire for control, embracing love and freedom instead. “Love is everything / Everything is Love.” How can you get any truer than that?

David's profile just keeps on rising these days. He's set to appear in a TV documentary about 2012, and he's producing a feature film called Convergence. I look forward to both.

The biggest criticism David attracts is aimed at his position on President Barack Obama. He's convinced that Obama is ultimately his own man, and will actually be an agent of the positive “change” he promised in his election campaign. This stands in sharp contrast to the apparent near-consensus in conspiraciology spheres, which paints Obama as a puppet of globalist masters, the international banksters and powerbrokers of Bilderberg and CFR infamy. My own position is one of reserved judgement, the “wait and see” approach. I certainly hope David is right, but at the moment there are too many conflicting messages for me to be convinced either way. Still, Obama's a heck of a lot easier to believe in than Senators McCain or Clinton would have been. I see him as a sort of blank screen, on which people can project whatever they expect to see, and that's probably intentional to some degree. Time will tell what he's really made of. The real litmus tests are yet to come, I think.

David's other “soft spot” is his claim to be the reincarnation of Edgar Cayce. That's one of those things nobody can really prove, and to his credit, I guess, David has downplayed this aspect since coming out with the claim. It's ultimately neither here nor there, and I think those detractors of DW who focus on this aspect are really missing the point. It's basically an ad hominem attack, I'd say, because the Edgar Cayce thing has no bearing whatsoever on David's actual message.

And I do believe that that message will continue to reach more people and find more resonance in the world. David's message is very positive, infectiously so. He certainly acknowledges the negative, as he must if he is to be taken seriously, but works it all into a context and a core understanding that inspires one to have faith in the ultimate benevolence of the universe, and in the bright future of humankind. More power to him.

Who am I?

I honestly don't know.

I've got a general idea, though, so I'll get that out of the way first.

I am a bundle of energy. The same fundamental energy that makes up everything in existence, from gross physical matter all the way up to pure enlightened consciousness. This bundle that I experience as being “me” – or, perhaps more precisely, the bundle doing the experiencing, I don't know – vibrates on many planes, in many dimensions, of which I suspect most are more or less hidden from my current mode of awareness. There's an overarching part of me that's outside the whole concept of time, and then there's a bunch of little selves protruding out from that, through the veil, into the temporal realms. From this side of the veil, they might appear to occur at separate points in time, but viewed from the other side, all are simultaneous. They are all my incarnations in physical form. Unfortunately, the only one of them about which I consciously know anything is the one doing the writing here and now. He is, I'm afraid, only a very limited expression of who I truly am. A pitifully blind, foolish, and faulty being compared to the fullness of his unimaginably more evolved, timeless “future” self.

(Staying on this side of the veil for convenience, I use the terms “past” and “future” in their conventional sense.)

Having thus briefly established the general context, I am now left with only a puzzling series of clues as to my soul origin and my reasons for incarnating here at this time.

The first clue is that very little in this world of man's creation makes sense to me. I struggle to understand why the power centers of this world are dominated by psychopaths. I struggle to understand why the people tolerate being ruled by psychopaths whose greatest goal is to create a social system antithetical to freedom, hostile toward all things good and pure and true and natural. I struggle to understand the senseless violence and cruelty and destruction visited by humans upon those whom (and that which) they ought to love and cherish and protect. I struggle to understand the petty, selfish, manipulating ways of so many people.

The best explanation I've been able to come up with for all this is that Earth, in this age, is a tough, tough school. A “free-will free-for-all,” where these things have been allowed to develop because nobody is going to come along and fix them for us. They're not allowed to, even if they'd like to. This planet is the way it is because we, collectively, have made it that way through our free will. All it takes is a small minority of truly evil beings, left unchecked, to transform paradise into the pit of hell. We allowed these people to come along and slowly subvert our systems and our values. We're the ones that gave 'em the green light, when we went along to get along, didn't stop and say “Hey, this isn't okay.” We did that because most of us were too busy with all of our little preoccupations in life. We weren't paying attention. We ignored the signs they waved in our faces. And, quite frankly, we weren't grown up enough to take responsibility. Our history is mostly a history of adult children. Earth humans, on the whole, just haven't been very mature. We've been obsessed with the needs of our egos, and we've spread our disease over the whole earth. Hence, we suffer, and we pass that suffering on from generation to generation.

Now how is this a clue?

Well, my intuition has told me, and my readings up and down the Interwebs have indicated, that Earth is in transition from an age of darkness to an age of light. This is a common thread through so many different prophecies that it's hard to believe otherwise if you put any stock in such things. Of course, one must always employ the good old-fashioned reality check with such matters. As it turns out, I do see the signs of that happening in the real world. I certainly don't believe in any storybook climactic battle or any human revolution of the kind we've seen before. I do believe that change is happening in uncountable ways, large and small, from the mundane to the cosmic. The evidence is there if you just look for it.

So I chose to incarnate at this time of transition. I, who feel so strongly the desire for a better world, am, in my own small way, a part of making that better world manifest. If you have the same desire in your heart, then you are a part of it, too. :)

That assisting, supportive role is, I'm sure, a big part of the reason I came here. But how, specifically, am I supposed to fulfill it?

The best answer I have at the moment is, in whatever way I can.

I'm sure a large portion of my work here is done without my even being terribly aware of it. Just by holding my energy in a physical body, participating in the collective consciousness of Earth humanity, going through my own inner process of becoming, and touching the lives of those around me, I am helping.

I've worked at a lot of different jobs in my time here, most of them menial and some more obviously “service to others”-oriented, some less, but none of them have especially said to me, “this is what you're here to do.” They've all simply been learning experiences and ways to earn my bread. At the moment, I hail from the deep ranks of the unemployed. For my next job, I hope to deliver the mail.

If you were to ask me what my best talents are, I'd probably say writing and building my own creations out of LEGO. The former I am just about passable at, and the latter is simply the end result of a prolonged childhood hobby cum artistic pursuit which I am now apparently in the process of leaving behind (but not before I finish a few final works in progress, heh heh). I daresay neither is a realistic career-driver. I'd rather do those things on my own terms, for my own reasons, than subject to the demands of a market, anyway.

I haven't confirmed this, but I've been told (post-initiation) that I have an especially powerful ability to channel reiki. I'm pretty sure reiki isn't bull, because I've felt its effects several times. One of my former employers had a natural ability, which she demonstrated on me. I didn't even know what she was doing, but I suddenly felt like I was burning up from the inside. All she'd done was hold her hands over my shoulders. So that was definitely something real. And if I can develop that “talent” in myself, I'm sure it will be a good way for me to serve humanity in the future. (Besides, I really like the idea of what reiki is supposed to be: a sort of loving, intelligent life-force energy that replenishes and balances the energy centers of the body, bringing healing, peace, and vitality to both patient and healer. :) I'm sure science will one day explain it, and my mind will be glad when it does, but I'm satisfied with just the touchy-feely understanding of it, too. It's one of those things, I guess, that you have to experience for yourself to truly understand.)

Obviously, since I mentioned writing, that is one way I can be of service. I've actually had a couple of “guidance” dreams that seemed to underline the idea that I should keep a blog like this one. So here we are with that. Yay!

I won't get into the things I've learned about myself and my life purpose from numerology or Mayan astrology here, because this entry is long enough already. Maybe another time.

OK, so much for what I'm supposed to be doing here. (Besides the obvious life purpose of gaining experience and using it to grow, I mean.) But now I'm left with the hardest puzzle of all: where the heck am I from?

The short answer is, I don't know and I don't think it really matters at this point. On the other hand, I'm dying to find out. Is it inner Earth? Jupiter? Arcturus? The Pleiades? Sirius? Andromeda? Cassiopaea? Orion? Just throwing out names, lol. It could be any one of these, or none. I don't feel a special affinity toward any star system, species, or channeled group. I'm just “me,” plain and simple. But I must have been “somewhere else” in recent past lives, because even our very 3-D physicality seems so quaint and painfully limiting to me. (haughty voice) “Where I come from, you know, we have telepathy and instant teleportation.” Or something like that. (grin)

The question of my so-called “soul origin” remains open. I'm open to clues, but I'm not very hopeful, either. I think if I knew, I'd run the risk of identifying too strongly with some off-planet past, and distract and distance myself from where I am now. Because for now, I am one of the ones I came here to help. I'm as much an Earth human as anyone else here. It's the only way I could do what I'm supposed to do. And you know what? If a friendly stranger offered me a ride in their spaceship, I might be tempted... but I don't think I'd get on board. In this life, my place is here, among these fallen souls who I call my brothers and my sisters. I, along with all the others like me, am in this with them. Together we'll make what happens, happen. And “the Lord and all his angels” shall be with us. :)

I'm kicking myself for not having written this up earlier, when it was still fresh on my mind, but better late than never, I guess.

I'm an insomniac. I've always envied those with the effortless ability to fall asleep in moments. I can lie awake for hours upon hours before finally drifting off to sleep, exhausted, in the not-necessarily-so-wee hours of the morning. It seems there's some knack of shutting off the conscious thought process that I've yet to master, although I am able to do it with some effort. (One of my favourite methods involves passively experiencing the flood of complex, random thoughtforms from my subconscious as they flick past at the rate of two to three per second.) Being unemployed hasn't helped, either, knowing that I don't have a place I have to be in the morning, all bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. It's all too easy to put off going to bed, especially in the presence of this endless source of mental stimulation called the Internet. Even now, as I write, it's 1:30 in the morning.

(On the other hand, I often do find it easier to write at night, when the world is relatively calm.)

Recently, I went through an episode of insomnia that I can only describe as epic. It was a period of probably a week and a half (I don't keep track) when I slept very little and very poorly, getting worse and worse toward the end. By the last night, the night of the 8th, I was in a highly impaired state, forgetting the most basic things, bumping into furniture, the whole bit. It was like being trapped in a sort of limbo between sleeping and waking, and I began to have fears that I would soon lose the ability to sleep entirely. There were times, lying in bed, when minutes passed like hours. It was a living nightmare. At the same time, however, it was fascinating to observe myself and the changes taking place in my body and in my consciousness.

It was the night of the 8th, or more correctly, it was the wee hours of the 9th. I was a technicality away from being certifiable as one of the living dead. I determined to take a hot shower and attempt sleep once again. The shower helped; I felt remotely more human, a little more relaxed and comfortable. When I got out, I caught myself in the mirror. Who was this ghostly, haggard man? I couldn't look away. I just stared. I was, for a moment, simply too tired to summon the will to look away and engage in the preparations for sleep.

I had read, in the other GLP topic I mentioned in the time-traveler post, the self-reported story of a person who had gone into a sort of psychosis and/or actually stepped into a whole alternate way of experiencing time and reality after staring at him/herself in the mirror while heavily sleep-deprived. I had an awareness that what I was doing was liable to induce some kind of altered state of consciousness, and I was actually curious to see what form that might take.

It didn't take long before I noticed that my face in the mirror looked oddly distorted. When I blinked, it changed. And changed again. Soon it was shifting by the second. Each distortion was distinctly different, but they were all grotesque. I reflected that the information received by my retinas was not changing, but that the changes were happening somewhere in my brain, in the way it interpreted the electrical signal to produce a subjective image. I stared at my mirror alter's forehead, at the "third eye" or pineal gland. The whole time, it seemed, the faces were getting gradually scarier, even demonic. I was nearly in their thrall. I began to feel a vertigo, a sensation of falling, of being swallowed up, heading toward something totally unprecedented and most likely too powerful for my psyche to assimilate. At the last second, by pure reflex, I broke away.

I felt like I had stepped right up to the brink of an unknown abyss. My heart was pounding with adrenaline. All that had saved me was the brain-stem-level instinct for self-preservation. Something in me knew it most definitely didn't want to go there. I stood leaning against the sink, catching my breath, trying to fathom what had just happened. And when I had calmed down, I looked into the mirror again.

This time, I had the unsettlingly vivid impression that the person in the mirror was not simply an image, but a living, breathing being unto himself. My looking-glass self. Another person. I began to notice how his facial features would react to my state of mind. If I was in fear and loathing and uncertainty, he would appear as an exact reflection of those feelings, with an unattractive face that matched them exactly. Conversely, if I was in love and acceptance and trust, he would appear as a being worthy of such: benevolent, fatherly, and wise.

I had a sort of conversation with this otherself. I can't remember the details of what we said, more's the pity, but I especially desired to speak with the beautiful versions. They seemed to carry such quiet authority and compassion and wisdom, something like a perfected, future me. However, I also spoke to the misshapen ones. I forgave their faults completely, held none of their ugliness against them, even though they seemed to expect nothing but abuse and rejection. I let them know they, too, were loved just as they were. I looked them in the eye without patronizing, without judging -- with pure, unconditional love. And they rejoiced as they realized that I did not wish to disown them or shut them out or punish them, but that they were in fact ME. We were not separate, but one.

After this, I felt truly cleansed and clear. My tiredness was sweet, no longer a numb, dead stupor, but like a soft, drowsy scent in the air. I went to bed and slept like an angel. It was my best sleep in a very, very long time. :)

I was browsing Godlike Productions this morning. That in itself is rather unusual, since my overwhelming impression of the place is the Internet equivalent of a procession of garbage trucks dumping load after load of random, worthless trash, much of it malodorous. Sure, there might be a few rare treasures amongst the refuse, but sifting through the piles for it just doesn't feel worth the trouble. Still, as a reading experience, it's a step up from the dreaded YouTube comment sections. I even read those sometimes. *shudder*

(I might as well mention that the path that brought me there was a Google search for "sleep deprivation hallucination," which was on my mind after a sleepless night due to the latest "high" cycle of my often bipolar disorder-like mood tendencies. I did find quite a deliciously disturbing tale, halfway down this page, in which Time behaves very, very badly.)

As chance would have it, one particularly active discussion thread, titled "I traveled through time," caught my eye. It was started by the cryptically named 369.994 on August 20th, the day before yesterday, and has reached nine pages as of this writing.

GLP, understandably, is a veritable tall tale magnet, attracting cranks, weirdos, and disinfo artists of all stripes. I'm sure this type of extraordinary claim is nothing new to the folks who frequent the place. Still, I'm more than a little intrigued by this case. There's nothing about it, in my opinion, that clearly and unquestionably places it in the hoax bin, despite all the usual calls of "B.S." from posters eager to prove their own talent for seeing through contrived, fallacious, and inflated crap.

369.994, if he (or she) is merely stringing us along, has played the role of a time-traveling future "amateur psyentist" pretty much flawlessly. His manner is sincere and no-nonsense. To my layman's understanding of such things, the presented scientific principles (and limitations) of the technologies he claims to be using seem plausible. His answers to people's questions about the future make perfect, simple, logical sense to my way of thinking and looking forward. If he's faking, then at least it's a good, entertaining fake! =)

To me, the most interesting question, especially if this is all for real, is the motive. In a more recent topic on another site, 369.994 claims to be from the year 2079, conducting a "social experiment." Of course, that would make sense from the hoax perspective, too! It's fun to imagine, though, what would motivate me to go back 70 years into the past and invite people to ask me about their perceived future / my perceived past. I'd probably do it just because I could! ;) Besides that, though, I think the time period in question, the next 70 years, is gearing up to be so unbelievably transformative that I'd see myself as potentially providing a genuine service by preparing people's minds just a little bit for some of the massive changes to come.

In response to queries on how to get through the turbulent times ahead, 369.994 recommended living in peace and ensuring one's own supply of clean drinking water and fresh, organic foods. Darn good advice in any case!

Our mysterious numeronymous friend also left us with a noteworthy unsolicited tidbit: a friendly suggestion to seek out and listen to something called "Invocation from Thoth's Chamber of the Great Pyramid of Giza." I found an MP3 by that name here. Who knows, there might be something to it. :) Leastways, this whole deal seems to carry a theme of sound, waves, frequency, music. I find myself wondering what's so special about F sharp... its frequency is, after all, 369.994 hertz... -.^ Hmmm.

I was going to write an entry yesterday, but found myself up against an impossibility. The problem was one that crops up time and again: the nature of ego. In starting this blog, I was (I believe) following my heart, doing something that I needed to do and was guided to do. However, when it came time to create content, I was paralyzed by twin voices of my ego: puffed-up self-importance and crushing self-criticism.

I am the center of my reality - or, more precisely, the perceived I is at the center of my perceived reality - so it is extremely easy, when considering myself in relation to the world at large, for the ego to begin concocting grandiose notions of my own significance. That then leads to exaggerated expectations and pressure to perform, followed by the realization that of course I can't measure up to that. I was crazy to think I could. Who am I to think that I, such a latecomer and minor-league player, a mere nobody, might have anything to offer that might make an iota of difference? What's so special about me? Of course, humility is needed, the sense of one's own specialness should be tempered with detached objectivity and realism. But the ego loves to play victim.

So it's been a little over 24 hours. I wrote a cathartic piece on my older blog, and that helped a little. I got a good night's sleep. This evening, just before writing this, I did a light workout and listened to an alpha-frequency brainwave entrainment MP3 to help me meditate. (I don't meditate or exercise nearly enough!)

I know how important it is, for the path I'm on and the things I want to write about, to overcome the traps of ego consciousness. So the conscious inner work on myself is really a prerequisite, and not only because of that "issue." I have a lot of issues, including some really big ones. But that's OK. I will do my best regardless.

I wasn't expecting to be this slow getting started, but I think quality is a higher priority than speed, anyway. To whoever out there is feeling the suspense or whatever, just relax. (I dunno who that would be, but I thought I'd cover that base.) All in god time. OMG typo. ;)

Back soon, I hope. Mustn't stay up too late, although I'm afraid it's already much past my bedtime. Bad BCth, bad. Eh, I blame these light nordic summer nights.