Limits of an Infinite Self

Soundtrack: Deep Forest - Boheme

A richly woven carpet of sand, reindeer lichen, heather, bilberry, lingonberry, pinecones and needles caresses my bare feet as I wend my way over the rises and falls of the forest floor. I marvel at the abundance of tiny, smoke-purple-winged butterflies in these high-summer woods, and taste the first bilberries of the season. I bury my face in the soft, fuzzy green leaves of a waist-high sapling and give thanks for the ever-loving, ever-giving nature of trees.

During my walk, I realize that this rebirthing that I'm going through is a continuous process. Little by little, that which is unreal within me dies away, so that the real can arise. Or, to put it another way, the power of the unreal over me diminishes as my awareness of it grows. I become more able to choose the real over the unreal. But this is all very vague and abstract.

In more specific terms, what I've gone through in recent days has been a painful stripping away of my denial of some very ugly aspects of myself. Narcissism. Hypocrisy. The list goes on. I begin to awaken to the full reality of the deep karmic debt which I've incurred in this life. The people I've treated as objects for ego gratification. The parasitical behaviour, taking everything that's offered and giving only when it's convenient. The refusal to take responsibility for my own situation and change it. The attitude that this world somehow owes me for being so alien to what I'd prefer it to be. The idea that I can just go on doing whatever I feel like with no regard for other human beings or the reality in which I live. Playing games to get what I want. Bending the truth, glossing over inconvenient facts. Gossiping behind people's backs. Using my spiritual and intellectual gifts as a cloak for all of the above, instead of truly devoting and applying them for the good of all beings. I've known all this on some level already, but it took two destroyed relationships in one day, and the frank rebuke of both individuals concerned, to finally break through my denial.

Whatever else this blog has been to those who read it, for me it's been a toy. A game. A diversion. All ego, with just enough Spirit to have some small justification for its existence. I've been playing a role that's only part of who I really am. And this idea that I'm on some kind of spiritual path, that's bullshit. I've done all that, it's not what I need to concern myself with in this life. I've got gifts, and I sure as hell ought to use them when the opportunity presents itself, but this monologue is the least of the ways I can do that. Practically insignificant.

If you want to talk about spiritual or esoteric topics with me, you're more than welcome to send me an email. Whatever insight I have to offer is at your disposal.

I've recently had the opportunity to begin reacquainting myself with my inborn energy-healing abilities. This is an area in which I see myself developing and being of service in the future.

I don't know what the future shape of this blog will be. I will leave it up, and I will post whatever I feel prompted to post, as I've always done. The blogs you see listed on the right are all excellent and worth checking out.

My immediate future appears to hold a trip to southern Spain. During my stay there I will get back into a balanced lifestyle and weigh my options for what to do next. I must ultimately follow my heart. Signs have seemed to be pointing to Africa, but that could just as well mean nothing. I expect to return to both Finland and Canada. I have karmic debts to repay in both places.

A new world is coming. At some point, some of us may find ourselves moving between different dimensions within that new world, or even between planets. All of us who survive will, in whatever capacity, contribute to building that new world. That new world is already here as a blueprint, waiting to be made manifest. The transition is ongoing. It began a long time ago. Everything is under control. There is no need to try to anticipate or stress over what's coming down the pike. All we need concern ourselves with is following the still, small voice within, making the sometimes drastic and difficult changes in our own lives that we need to make. You have a role that you came here to play. It's up to you to discover it and play it to the fullest. And the fact is, you will, whether you consciously decide to or not.

So I indulged in a little sermon after all. Take it as you will, or don't. It's a fart in a hurricane, a desperate cry to have my significance acknowledged. Don't encourage me and for heaven's sake, don't assume that I'm right. Listen to your own truth. It's inside you and nowhere else.

From here on in, I stick to what I know. If I do start spouting nonsense that I can't back up, I pray for someone to write me a comment saying the emperor has no clothes.



Blessings to all.

Over and out.

On the one hand, this is a superfluous entry, because I have nothing to say. But then, would that be so very different from any other entry? Anything in this blog actually worth the bits and pixels it takes up isn't from me, but merely passes through me on its way here from somewhere else. And I'll be first to call bullshit on that and admit that it's all ego, all the time... except for what isn't. Make sense? Good either way. It is what it is.

So I'm leaving everything I know behind in just a matter of days now. Certain details are probably best left unbroadcast in order not to attract the wrong kind of attention, but if I've got it coming, then there's nothing I can do to stop that either. "Irresponsible" and "reckless" would be the judgment pronounced upon me by most people, but I'm just doing what I have to do. Playing my part, from the heart. To do anything else would be unthinkable.

I've been doing a great deal of soul-searching, shining light on some deep, dark issues of the psyche. Issues of self-doubt versus self-confidence, intellect versus intuition, demanding versus allowing, my relationship with the Divine (most acutely with its Feminine aspect), and most confusing of all, sex. I have no idea how these issues are going to be resolved, or how quickly. It will be a natural process of unfolding, more likely longer than shorter. My impatience to be done with all these things helps not at all. And that's another issue in itself.

Self-acceptance, embracing the moment as the perfection that it is from the viewpoint of the Absolute... the presence of the One... gratitude and love. These are the things of which I must constantly re-mind myself. And quite often am re-minded through no effort of my own, but by the grace of God manifest in my life and in the world around me. A glorious sunset, arrayed like a masterpiece of Classical hyperreality and utterly indifferent to my petty thoughts of melancholy self-pity... little things, even insects, so full of significance. The invisible speaking through the visible, revealing itself moment by moment, piece by piece. I need this. I cannot live without it. And to live is to strive toward it.

To my old friends, I say thank you for all that we've been able to share. You'll always be with me in my heart, and I with you. To those new friends whom I have yet to meet, I welcome you in advance and look forward to the fun and the learning we will have together.

That's all for now. There will be more.

Anxiety piles on anxiety. Self-loathing festers and it seems all thought and action only makes it worse, like floundering in quicksand. The mind is a cacophonous sculpture of twisted blades all fighting for position, yet all pointing ultimately to failure and destruction. This is the fate of ego as it struggles in the face of what seems an utterly impossible situation. There is no solution, no right choice, only a series of unsatisfactory options each worse than the other. I can do nothing to save myself. The most I can do is to muster a fleeting moment of peace, gone almost before it arrives. The torment returns redoubled. Processing, prognosticating, all in vain... until there is nothing left but total surrender.

Deliver me, Lord, from this hell. Only you can save me now. Deliver me and I will depend only upon you and your loving merciful voice. Guide my soul. Deliver me. Give me strength. Deliver me. Give me peace. Deliver me. You are my life and my light. Deliver me from the darkness I have created.

From the deepest bottom of my heart and soul, I cry out to my father, my friend, my one and only god. There is nothing else. I fall into oblivion.

...And awaken.

A new day.

Peace. Presence. Knowing.

Just enough.

Gratitude for the grace.

This is how life goes on.

Everyone has their own idea of what's going on, where we are, how we got here, what we face in the future. There's a thread of apocalypticism that seems to crop up everywhere. That thread, especially as woven in the mass media, is often heavily tinged with fear and fantasy, based on vague or shallow understanding. It becomes easy to either dismiss such thoughtforms altogether and continue to imagine that everything will keep going on pretty much as it has been, or else to get all caught up in the smoke-and-mirrors funhouse version of Circus Apocalypticus. The Tunnel of Doom can be a compelling ride, and there's no end of terrifying and disturbing sights and sounds to keep that dark thrill of fear and despair churning inside. That's to be expected. We are, after all, in a realm of appearances. We each see our own subconscious shadows playing out on the screen, along with the beauty of our divine nature, in whatever measure is appropriate to our individual need and choice, moment by moment.

Objectively, nothing I say here matters a whit. Nor does it matter what I believe nor what anyone else believes. Nevertheless, here inside the fractal symphony of subjective experience, under the prime illusion of separation, each part has its own specific role to play. Regarding the need for self-expression, I recall these words from a song I learned in elementary school, the Rainbow Song:

Listen with your eyes
listen with your eyes
and sing everything you see.

I write, not because I believe it will make any difference, but because I am compelled and moved to do so by my innermost heart. At this moment, it's what I'm here to do. And so I do my best to let that innermost heart get a word in, through all the posturings and ramblings of my limited ego self.

I had a deep discussion with a friend yesterday about the economic crisis. Our views turned out to be pretty similar, although we had enough differences of opinion to make the conversation lively and interesting. His understanding at this time doesn't incorporate what could be called “conspiracy theory,” in that he doesn't see our debt-based monetary system as being inherently flawed to begin with, whereas I do. But all such conclusions are only tentative, subject to change in the presence of new information that would challenge us to see more. I voiced my understanding, in such part as I felt appropriate, but didn't turn it into a debate. There wasn't enough of a common background of information to be able to get into (what I see as) the more hidden, engineered aspects of the situation. I wasn't there to persuade him of my view, but rather to just share thoughts and have a mutually agreeable and enriching moment of human contact.

Our other major topic of discussion was one on which I've never even formed much of an opinion: the potential for an existential threat to humanity arising from the birth of an artificial intelligence beyond our capacity to control. To me, that subject has been more in the realm of thought-provoking science fiction than any plausible, actual future. To him, it is perhaps the gravest problem we face, given, of course, that something else doesn't come along first and render the question moot. In essence, the solution would be to prepare for that scenario in advance by somehow ensuring that if and when such an uncontrollable intelligence is born, it will be of such a nature as to allow for the (humanly tolerable) long-term survival of our species.

I've taken in enough science fiction to have a basic idea of the range of imagined future scenarios concerning humans vs. AI. Peaceful coexistence via hard-wired Laws for robots and a general ethical treatment towards them on the part of humans, as envisioned by Asimov, seems to me perhaps a little premature and idealistic, given the sad state of the human psyche and the unpredictability of self-directed evolution. Based on our historical record, the vision of the Terminator films would seem more realistic. But both of these scenarios presuppose the development of AI continuing forward from the present day without interruption. So the more immediate hurdles, I would say, are the existential threat posed by unenlightened mankind to itself, and the very real possibility of cataclysmic Earth changes, abundantly prognosticated by modern science and prophesied by ancient traditions passed down from the survivors of the last global extinction-level event.

I'm a big fan of the Matrix films. They depict a human race struggling for freedom from the dominance of machine intelligence in a war that is not only physical, but essentially psychological and spiritual. To me, the Matrix story is less a probable future scenario than it is an allegorical tale about where we are now. The machines are an externalized manifestation of the egoic mind, which can never know God but is preoccupied with material things. This machine intelligence creates a virtual reality, a literal prison for humanity, in which the vast majority live out their lives unaware. As an enslaved human begins to awaken, this matrix reality appears increasingly “wrong,” and they question just how real it all is, what greater truth might lie beyond these appearances.

In the real world (grin), awakening is a multi-layered process. The exact route by which it happens is, of course, unique to each person. For many, the first layer is the manufactured and distorted version of reality portrayed by television and other forms of mass media. Entertainment on this lowest end of the spectrum is typically hypnotic, banal, debased, and void of higher meaning. At some point, it becomes clear that, at its root, this is all intentionally so. It's not just because these corporations cater to the lowest common denominator to make more money. Facts and questions that go outside a particular box are actively marginalized and suppressed.

As I write, right now, the time is 9:11 PM. I suppose I'll take that as a hint. (grin)

My friend is as yet unconvinced that the events of 9-11-2001 were brought about and/or facilitated by elements within the U.S. government and U.S. intelligence (although he doesn't deny the possibility). From the perspective of one who became convinced several years ago, I would say that that position stems mainly from a lack of awareness of the vast body of credible evidence, an unwillingness to believe that such evil could lurk so strongly in such high positions of power, or both. Of course, there is also the fear of being pejoratively labeled a “conspiracy nut,” but for anyone determined to find the truth, wherever the evidence may lead, that should be of no concern. Rest assured: despite what the corporate media would have us believe, being on the side of “9-11 truth” does not translate into being an extremist or a crazy person. I shouldn't have to say that, but there it is. The real problem, of course, is that once you accept a “Truther” version of 9-11, it opens up a Pandora's box of other shit. Shit that a lot of people just don't want to touch, no matter what. They would rather not know, because knowing would mean an end to the dream with which they are so comfortable, a dream into which certain harsh big-picture realities simply do not fit.

As always, the wisest position is the only one of which there can be certainty: “I don't know.” Everything we think we know is based on perception, and our perception is, by its nature, limited. Despite what I've said here about awakening, I don't consider myself to be awake at all. I am still dreaming, just like everyone else here, although less deeply than some. All that means is that I'm standing in a different place, somewhere between the crowded center and the rarefied outermost fringes of our collective reality. I like it here. I'm in good company. But it would be terribly boring if everybody were in the same place. Regardless of where we are in relation to each other, we can interact and become the richer for it. We're all teachers, and we're all students.

Anyway, that's all incidental to the real truth, which is... we're not separate. It only seems like we are, because that's the only way we can do what we're here to do, and that's... to learn about love. To really learn, we had to step into an illusion where love is not absolute and unconditional, where we suffer and die and long for what we seemingly lost when the universe began. Our journey here is not in vain. It is part of a Great Work in progress. By our choices, we can either prolong or hasten that Great Work in ourselves. We cling to our illusions as long as we can, but little by little they fall away. Our vision expands and brightens. We experience love in all its forms, including all the manifestations of its absence and distortion. And at the end, we are all reunited with the essence from which we came and which attracts all things back unto itself for the glorious, unimaginably grand after-party of all Time.

But to answer the question... hell, I don't know. You're asking me???

In this life, certain things can be laughed at and other things are deadly serious. Those other things can kill you, and worse.

If you believe that, then welcome to Penitentiary Planet Earth, third rock from the Sun and home of seven billion (and soon to be a lot fewer) pitiful little creatures who once enjoyed the pleasure of being free human souls. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Of course, if you knew the truth, you would be laughing at me instead of the other way round. Because that's how it is.

There are laws and then there are laws. Lower creatures are subject to lower laws, and higher creatures are bound by a higher set of laws. You know there are people who get away with murder, right? I mean, take a look. It's almost like the more deaths you're responsible for, the more untouchable you are – provided, of course, that you're also rolling in the cashola. The material god of this world is on the side of those with the greatest amount of dough, baby. So how surprising is it that the wealthy few are now Extremely F---ing Wealthy, to the tune of billions in digital currencies and billions more in real assets, while some 95% of the world lives in perpetual debt slavery? Pretty good deal for the moneybags. When you practically own the planet, the world's your oyster. Excuse me while I puke from the sheer awesomeness of the situation. Didn't taste like oyster, though, I'll admit.

Where was I? Yes, these self-proclaimed elite world leaders. The ones who you see (or don't see, thanks to our ever-so-vigilant public eyes in the media) attending such fancy clubs as the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. But not so much them, of course, as the ones holding their (purse) strings. In any event, for the sake of convenience, let's treat them all as one big happy psychopathic family. Where a smile means anything but and loyalty comes from a deep pocket and a big, big gun. Mutually assured pathology is such a beautiful thing.

The real beauty of this arrangement is that nothing is as it appears to be. To the unawakened masses (who are a conspicuously dwindling lot these days), these lizard-tongued phonies and their little crooked cronies are indistinguishable from the fictitious roles they play for the benefit of the brainwashed-from-birth bozos who believe whatever the babbling boob box tells them. Fortunately for you and me, my friend, things are not as they might appear to us either. If you've followed any of the alternative news sites on the web, you know (or at least, I'm telling you now) what a sorry sack of pungent manure they carry. The truth, they call it. Well, I call it fertilizer for the brain. What these conveyors of information (and varying amounts of disinformation, don't forget) fail to perceive is up to you and me, the discerning readers, to fill in. Not everyone is a compulsive fact-checker or info-miner, and you don't need to be those things to break through to the essential truth. Which is... what? Well, hang on.

Let's go back to the notion of law. As you may perhaps suspect by now, the lying murderers and child-molesters at the top of the worldly pyramid are not operating under the same set of laws as you and me. On the surface of it, they make the laws and break them as they please, while we are subject to an increasingly arbitrary and bewildering system built on books full of arcane legal language and intimidation both physical and psychological. The list of dos and don'ts in our modern society is truly a wonder of intergenerational programming. They do it to us and we finish the job for them. The scientific dictatorship, as imagined by Orwell and predicted by many others, with its veneer of rational ideology, institutionalized mass murder and theft, and false promises of security and prosperity, now constitutes our everyday reality. Or so it would appear.

What it comes down to, is this: who's got the power? If you think it's them, well, I guess you're right. Better stock up on ammo and food, then, and hope everything goes your way when the shit hits the fan. But that's a choice you make. In my reality, these clowns have no power whatsoever, beyond the ephemeral power of the illusions they create in your mind. You see, they are absolutely dependent upon you not realizing that there are in fact much higher laws than the ones they use to control you, and that by raising your level of awareness, you in fact begin to operate above and beyond those cleverly imposed restrictions.

The law of those who seek to control humanity is a cruel one. The human parasites are themselves fed upon by parasites of a higher order, and anyone who takes the path of deceit and betrayal will inevitably be deceived and betrayed in turn. A system of control is an unstable thing in the natural world. It can survive only by consuming, threatening, and lying, and these activities have finite limits, which, when attained, result in the collapse of the system. By contrast, the dictum of live and let live, certainly preferable to the aforementioned law, is unlimited in practice. Love, freedom, and creativity act to expand the realm of possibility, and indeed, in so doing, will tend to expand themselves.

But let me speak of something else here that will hopefully clarify the issue on a deeper level. Not everyone will agree with my take on this, but it works very well for me.

What are we? If we are mere physical beings, then we are certainly doomed. Death follows birth, and this simple fact is one that the material mind most fears to accept. Is it fair to say that fear of death is the prime motivator of the egoic mind? We can say that this mind has evolved for the sole purpose of prolonging life and bettering the prospects of passing on one's genes for the continuation of the species. What other purpose could it have? And so the higher faculties and sensibilities of man are thus seen as adaptations for survival in an increasingly complex environment. This is the basic position of what we commonly call Science.

Religion counters this and offers release from the primal fear of death by which mankind is afflicted. It posits something invisible to the natural senses, some higher aspect to this being, and calls it the soul. The soul, it is said, cannot die. Unfortunately for us, however, little agreement is ever reached as to the specific nature of this soul, nor the way by which that soul might reach a more agreeable state than this thorny vale of tears, forever caught between heaven and hell. The best that religion can provide for this life is a moral code and a sense of meaning and direction, though its assurances be often unprovable.

Is there a way out of this conundrum? I speak for those who are less than fully satisfied with the dogmas of both Science and Religion as they are commonly presented. What are they missing? I would suggest that the answer has to do with a kind of truth that is beyond the reach of either of these modes as long as they cling to their preconceived limits. It is a truth that must be discovered personally by each one who seeks it. The true, hidden nature of ourselves – whatever that is – is the key.

Now. If that true, hidden nature is that we are the both the dreamer and the dreamed – and it's clear to me that we are – then the whole situation with these madmen who seemingly run the show here for their own pleasure and profit becomes a laugh. They are the fools! We are in charge! And I mean “we” as in the divine aspect of ourselves, naturally – the One. Hey, all we need to do is get in touch with that. Gosh, what a game-changer. Whoops! I guess all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. And that's handy, because it turns out that, besides being the main instrument of our oppression, fear was also the main sustenance of a host of unpleasant beings that populated the unseen portion of our planetary prison. By starving them, we now force them to move out. Perhaps they will feed on each other? Nom nom nom. Goodbye!

If I'm right, then what we're going to see in the run-up to the Big Crunch that's coming (and by that I mean the point at which all roads meet) is a lot of heavy drama and a lot of wild revelations coming out that these hopelessly deluded ruling-class sock puppets would have preferred to keep under wraps if they could have. Unfortunately for them, all that they do will only end up turning against them and they will make fools of themselves for all the world to see. This is because they really are actual sock puppets that think they can write the script when they don't even realize who owns the stage. The show itself is a cosmic morality play that reads like tragedy and comedy all at the same time.

Do you see the funny side? I hope you can, because I've seen it, and, well, it's nothing but a grand old hoot. It's one hell of a good time. Had me laughing so hard, it was a piece of heaven. You know what laughter is. It's the sound of a soul set free to fly.

Wishing you many laughs (and warm hugs too),
~william

I alluded last time to my commitment to a spiritual path. In my bright-eyed enthusiasm, I neglected to mention the dark side of that coin, which, appropriately enough, now shines upon my life in its turn.

This world is a proving ground. Earthly existence is defined by tension and struggle between opposing forces. On the one hand, the human spirit desires to be free and to experience oneness and unconditional love; on the other hand, it is seduced into bondage, separation, and fear by all the myriad illusions of this world. It is our moment-to-moment freewill choice that decides which influence will win out.

Last week, prior to my trip to Model Expo in Helsinki to display a few of my Lego creations to the public, I was very much of two minds as to the task ahead of me, which is to let go of that material pursuit which has so consumed my artistic impulses for most of my life (not to mention a considerable amount of money). I figured that the exhibition would clarify the matter in my mind and bring me to a place where that letting go would be easier. In essence, I wished for my passion for turning ABS molded bricks into my original creations (MOCs) to burn itself out - a burnout that I've been trying to induce for months already. On some level, that notion did come true. I do feel more able to quit the hobby and sell off my collection than before. Doesn't mean the thought of it doesn't still cause me some amount of pain, but the way has opened up before me to the point where concrete action is feasible.

There's a lot more plot and drama to this story, but I'll try to pare it down to the most relevant bits here.

I was told, in a Tarot reading, that I would be going through an energetic battle (8 of Swords). That seems to be coming true already, although it may be that the real thing is yet to come. But judging from my dreams last night, and the way I've been feeling... yes, this is very much a battle of opposing energies. And it's one that I've been losing quite badly so far. Through emotional heaviness and negative thought patterns, I've found myself succumbing to confusion, powerlessness, and victimhood.

One of my dreams last night showed a small, reptilian demon acting like a harmless, cute little puppy that just needed someone to open a sealed packet of food for it. The girl's sympathy and compassion were winning out over her better judgment... next thing I saw was the same demon, ten times larger, swallowing a man's arm while its friend went for his other arm.

Don't feed the demons.

I was also shown, prior to falling fully asleep, a vision of myself and my shadow self. My shadow self was just too strong, too cunning for me; no matter which way I turned or what I tried to do, he was there ahead of me, sabotaging, overturning, perverting, diverting everything I did so that it fed into his plans instead of my own. There was no way to win at this game. As difficult as it was, I knew I had to stop fighting him, stop resenting him, stop relying on my own strength and limited vision. I tried to quiet myself, find peace, connect with the One in whom there is no separation and no conflict, to realize that I and my shadow were of the same stuff, just different expressions. The true I was neither little-me nor shadow-me, and yet contained both. The key to ending the struggle was understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, release. I did not actually attain that at the time, but I knew it and I went for it.

I'm being tested. I've been warned about this by a lot of people who've walked the spiritual path. There's no free lunch, no pill to be perfect, and no one-size-fits-all solution. It's a process that has to play out for each person. A process of shedding all those endless layers of false self, revealing always another, slightly more realized image of the perfection at the center. Every experience, pleasant or unpleasant, is an opportunity for progress. It's all in the attitude with which you meet it. For best results, choose love. Choose faith. Hold fast and have courage.

The Divine can appear as a terrible, punishing schoolmaster, or as a gentle, supportive teacher. Both forms have the same goal and the same purpose, merely different approaches. Life as struggle; life as gift. Both equally valid ways of seeing, both necessary. One to be transcended, the other to be realized.

Namasté, my friend. All the best. See you at the destination. Back Home.

On the Mayan Tzolk'in calendar, my birthdate resonates as 13 Cimi. The number 13 stands for ascension and the completion of all things, a transcending force. Cimi is Death, the Transformer. A Death person is naturally prone to change and comfortable with transitions. Both of these qualities well describe my nature and my experience of life.

I was given a dream some time ago in which I had one simple task. There was a veil that could only be crossed when a person was ready – if they weren't ready, they wouldn't be there facing it. The veil seemed to be contiguous with the flowing garment of a skeletal figure who I recognized as Death. My job was to lift the veil for each person as they came through, so that they could see what lay hidden on the other side. The object they came to view was no mere object; it was a hole in space. The hole appeared as a single eye with lids on the sides instead of the top and bottom. Through that eye, when one looked intently, one could see something rather surprising: a little house on a hill, simply outlined and coloured, like a child's drawing. That drawing was a symbol for Home. A comforting place. It was where we were all from, and it was where we were all ultimately going. Each person who came through would look at this revelation and break into a smile. They'd known it all along, they just needed a little reminder to remember what they already knew. All the fears and doubts they might have had before entering, some timidly, some boldly, were shown to be pure illusion. There was nothing to do with them but to let them go and have a good laugh. Everyone left feeling greatly relieved, lightened, and renewed. Where they went after the viewing, I could not tell; they certainly didn't go out the way they came in. And that was my dream.

I felt quite troubled after I had the dream. I was very reluctant to accept that I could be one to carry out such a task, even though it had all felt most natural and easy in the dreaming world. I wondered if the dream meant I had to be some kind of “keeper of the veil” in this life. Would people come to me for a glimpse of that Truth? Seemed a little far-fetched. I still don't know what it means. But it was certainly one of my more interesting dreams.

Death is a theme I've become comfortable with on some deep, basic level, even though I have never actually been very closely touched by it in a concrete way in the short twenty-five years I've lived so far. I have never been to a funeral and I have never lost a family member closer than a little-known cousin. All my grandparents are still alive. I have often wondered at this, why it is that I've been spared those experiences for so long. It can't last forever, and it could end tomorrow for all I know. I do know that I would like to be present at the departure of my mother's father, to hold his hand and ease his passing. Of course, given that I'm leaving the country for the foreseeable future quite soon, I'd rather not necessarily have that come true, either!

Hmm, I was supposed to write about friends here. Bonds of friendship. Social ties. They've been greatly emphasized in my life in this past little while, following an extended period of relative, voluntary isolation. At a time in my life that's full of things to do, deadlines, and uncertainty (nothing I can't handle on my own, mostly, although I am keenly aware of and grateful for all the help and support I receive), destiny has decided to make friendships a major theme. I've felt drawn to reconnect with people, particularly those with whom I feel the closest spiritual kinship, but also many others. Part of it, I'm sure, is the need to finish things up before I leave, but that doesn't explain the case of one person, who just suddenly showed up in my life one lazy Sunday afternoon to shake things up even more when they were in pretty high flux already. I'm really glad she did, though, because the ensuing series of events and dynamics has been a challenge I can really sink my teeth into. I've been tested pretty hard by it already, and I know this is only the start. It's a nice grueling uphill climb, spiritually, after a whole lot of comparatively smooth territory for me.

Here's the thing: two things actually, that I've occasionally been feeling the desire for: a passionate but non-committed relationship (to balance out my first one, which was all commitment and not so much passion), and somebody to whom I could be a spiritual mentor. It's easy to see how the false ego can hijack such desires and really go for a joyride. A lot of potential for hurt and long-lasting damage there, if those things were to be pursued as actual goals in themselves. The only goal that should matter, the only one really worth pursuing, is to find one's way back to the divine source: back Home. Anything else is a diversion, purely optional and only desirable insofar as it is in line with the highest good for oneself and all others. Destiny, of course, is just that, ultimately: the highest good, the most desirable and perfect script for this play called life. And it really is all in hand, if we can just let go of our need to control events and control other people for the spineless satisfaction of our own Death-fearing ego selves.

In short, that weak and myopic part of me perceived the chance for both these desired things in the appearance of this new player on the stage. And so I set myself up for a fall, which I am happy to say I have pretty much worked through by now, but that bears telling here. What Destiny had in mind was something quite different, of course, than my misguided imaginings. Yes, she had just broken up with her boyfriend and seemed to be in the market for a new one; yes, she resonated strongly with me on a soul level and had questions to which I felt I could offer answers; but she was already on a different path, one that required an absolute, core-level renunciation of both desires on my part. I admit that it has not been easy, not easy at all to do that work on myself, but I have the necessary skills and tools to do it and since I committed to it, Destiny has been helping me along in little ways (thanks, universe).

The story is not over yet, but the rest remains to be seen. All will unfold as it must, regardless of the puny intentions of anyone. We human souls who walk this earth are as mites compared to the will of the Divine. Utterly inconsequential (that is, until we learn to be a lot closer to the Divine, at which point I suppose we will have bigger and better places to be). I am committed to the Great Work; that and no other shall be my guiding star.

In closing, I send a heartfelt prayer of thanks to the source of all things, which in its infinite wisdom has seen fit to try my heart and purify it in the flames of this holy purgatory which has but the appearance of profanity, for all things are holy that proceed from God, and there is nothing in existence that is not from that same source.

The perfection of your works, O Lord, is absolute. I embrace all things as they are: the suffering and the joy, the grime and the glory, the fall and the redemption, the loss and the gift. Whatsoever I lose for your sake, I will gain better in return. Help me to walk this path of your righteousness, for without your signs and angels I would quickly go astray. All is well when I am with you, and as long as it is so, I shall have no fear. Thank you for your longsuffering patience and your abundant grace gifts every day of my life. Your Love is everything, and everything is a manifestation of your Love. Let your Love be known in my heart and let it shine through even in the darkest hours to come. ~Your humble servant, this self.

I suppose I'll start by describing a dream I had last night. In point of fact, I did not dream it at night, because I actually slept from morning to evening, after staying up watching the SF anime classic Akira and the comedy classic Monty Python's The Meaning of Life on DVD, which may serve to provide a bit of context.

Essentially, the dream was about me being cajoled, enticed, tempted, and drawn into a state of total powerlessness. The process began in earnest when I found myself hypnotized by the soft, flickering bluish glow of a little LCD monitor that was showing a movie of some kind. That was the tipping point, when I slid into apathy toward the “real world” around me. Soon, through my lack of effective resistance to the reassuring but treacherous hypnotic suggestions of “agents” around me, I found myself lying on a sort of hospital bed that was more like an operating table in actual function. The sexy “nurses” projected the impression that they were there to help me, that they had only my best interest at heart, and that the best thing I could do was relax and let them do their job. By the time I realized that their true intentions were less than benevolent, it was too late. My muscles would no longer respond, due to some drug they'd injected in me. They began their work by taking samples, violating my body with their needles in a way that was simply humiliating. Mercifully, I lost consciousness. My last, dimly felt emotions before slipping away completely were outrage and resentment.

Oddly enough, those emotions came back to haunt me when I woke up and read my mail. Through simple incompetence more than any plausible ill will, the tax bureau is still operating as though I were an entrepreneur making a modest living off of my business, which has been officially defunct since September and only ever really existed on paper to begin with. In reality, I don't owe them a dime, but they still sent me invoices for hundreds of euros that I'm supposedly due to pay this year. Realistically, it's only a matter of a visit or two to the local tax office to clear it up, but the infuriating emotional impact of the letter came regardless of that fact. It doesn't help things that I'm already caught up in a more advanced stage of a similar, less easily resolved game with an evil, bloodsucking little company that managed to “sell” me a worthless, yet ridiculously expensive Google advertising package on the phone last summer before I even knew what the hell was up. The wheels of legal action in that case are already turning, and I really don't think there's anything I can do. I'm not equipped to defend myself against that sort of thing, and I suspect the law may well be on their side. So I suppose I'll see where that goes. I'd really like to see them just choke on their own vomit. It's not like they'll ever see the money. I'm more likely to receive a prison sentence, haha.

So the darkness is closing in, even as the days get longer up here in the north. The web of the matrix tightens. I made mention earlier of some plans I've been cooking up. I feel obligated on some level to make a disclosure, but I think it's too early to go into detail just yet. I have made my intentions known to some, though, and if the surveillance/intelligence complex is doing its job, then the data is already in its files. (conspiratorial wink)

I will say that by the time summer is in bloom, I intend to be off the grid and hopefully off the radar of officialdom. Worldly security and status hold very little allure for me, now less than ever. I do find myself caught, though, between the impulse to continue creating and displaying my whimsical little works of material configurations, and the impulse to drop everything, let go of my material attachments, and withdraw from the mainstream entirely. I do believe there is a middle road encompassing both, if I can only traverse it. I just need to figure out exactly how. I've got some ideas. Time will reveal the right course of action. I have already consulted the runes and the pendulum regarding the basic nature of what I'm set to go through, and I will probably make use of them and other modes of communication with higher self in the near future.

The dog poet is on something of a hiatus and that (or whatever invisible causes are behind that) is affecting my mood as well. His latest audio broadcast was, however, very comforting and very touching. He read some lovely poetry in there. I would recommend it to anyone.

Overwhelmingly, in my more conscious hours (there are times of relative oblivion too), my heart is crying out to the higher power that governs all things with ultimate perfection.

Help me to see. I want to see. Please show me more.

Lord, grant me strength.

How much longer will You allow evil to rampage unchecked in the world? How much longer? Until 2012? 2050? If it were up to me, Lord, I would start turning things around right now. I suppose you are too wise and perfect to think as I do. Evil will destroy itself eventually, though, won't it? When it has run its course, served its purpose in the dreaming of Your children.

Lord, take away from me that which is holding me back. Help me to subdue my petulant and demanding ego. No, not subdue: merely help it to see that it is not the one in charge, and that it has nothing to fear by releasing its desire to always be in control.

I know that I have a path to tread in this life. I chose it before I came here. However haltingly and imperfectly, I know that I am on it right now and have always been. Everything that comes into my life has a purpose. Help me to see it through the impartial eyes of divinity as the perfection that it is.

Thank You, Lord, for being with me. For guiding my every step, for protecting me, for comforting me. For testing me and trying me, though never more than I can bear. You provide for every need of my body and soul. Above all, You grant me freedom in every moment, to choose my own experience. I am Your child, and one day I will return to You and give you back all that I am, all that I have gained through all my millions and billions of years of existence.

Thank You.

A dear friend of mine privately expressed his disapproval of a certain action I recently took, namely posting a link to this blog on his friend's Facebook wall. This was offensive and uncalled-for, he said, considering the beliefs of that friend in contrast with some of my views expressed here. In retrospect, I see his point very well. I have since apologized and undone that ill-considered action. I had already stopped the practice of tagging Facebook friends in my notes imported from here, because that can easily be viewed as spam and I hate spam as much as anyone else. Unsolicited links certainly fall into that category as well, and I was in error to do what I did.

That being said, I don't apologize for my views and I don't think I should have to. I make some effort to qualify my statements of opinion, but to do that constantly would be tiring and would make my prose plodding. I rest assured that my readers, whoever they are, can and will use their own discernment to filter my words. I myself can end up disagreeing with my own words later, so how can I expect anyone else to agree with me? That's not the point. The point is to express myself freely. To censor that expression would defeat the purpose of keeping a blog in the first place.

This same friend characterized my views as “anti-Christian.” I understand they appear so to his mind, and he is welcome to see it that way; however, I see it differently. To disagree with certain aspects of a particular belief system, and to voice that disagreement, is not necessarily to attack the whole. And for someone to take such criticism of their belief system as an attack on them personally is, I think, a result of the misidentification of the ego with that belief system. I am not my beliefs, just as I am not my body or my name or my occupation. Those are things that I have, and they are all temporary. I do not go out of my way to insult Christians or anyone else; nevertheless, there will always be individuals who take offense. I realize that I have not always chosen my words as carefully as I could have, and that is unfortunate. But I am not perfect and I don't claim to be. In cases where my words might cause offense, all I can do is hope for the offended party's forgiveness and understanding.

No one is forced to read my blog. If I may have promoted it a little too enthusiastically before, I no longer do so. I shall be content to simply keep on writing and let those who are attracted come, and those who are not, go elsewhere. That's the beauty of the Internet: barring the odd blind link, everyone gets to choose pretty much exactly what to allow into their consciousness.

Everyone is on their own, personal journey in life. There are longer and shorter paths, more pleasant and less pleasant paths, easier and harder paths, lighter and darker paths, but no path is better or worse than another. The continuing existence of this blog constitutes an open invitation to walk a step with the writer, hear what is going through his mind at the moment, and, if you are so inclined, to freely offer your own thoughts in return. His sincere intent is for this exercise in sharing to be mutually beneficial and/or interesting. If it were not, there would be no reason to engage in it.

Huh boy, do I take myself seriously or what? Well, I am in a bit of a funk, so... (shrug). Now I go to transmute this melancholy into peace, perhaps even joy, through a little spot of active meditation. Good luck to me. (small smile)

It goes almost without saying that I've been going through a very transformative time lately. What else is new, right? (grin) This time I feel I'm really making progress in some fundamental areas. My whole sense of reality has begun to shift on an ever-deeper level, beyond mere intellectual awareness and into the level of basic belief and manifest experience.

The last time I wrote, my breakthrough was the laying of a particular foundational rock, the ability to stand firm in the knowledge that I AM, therefore I AM. The implications of this knowledge are far-reaching. If I Am as the Infinite Is, then truly I am the Infinite. (As are you and as is everything in existence.) My conscious, egoic mind now has a way to become a tool and a partner in life, such that it might eventually know its place and be able to be called up and used or set aside at will.

After this epiphany, it was natural for me to attract to myself the next piece of the puzzle. It's a piece that I've always had with me; again, this was simply a matter of having it clarified and brought home in a more personally meaningful and relevant way.

The re-Minder (re-Hearter) in this case was David Icke's Tales from the Time Loop, specifically the latter portion. David, in his inimitably down-to-earth style, makes very clear his understanding that “Infinite Love is the only truth; everything else is illusion.” He reduces our seeming reality into the vibrations of energy that it fundamentally is. We are infinite consciousness choosing to have an experience of being human. Our five senses function to receive vibrational signals and construct an immersive virtual reality experience that we then like to think is perfectly real and solid and existing, in an absolute sense, independently of ourselves. Wrong!

Where did all that vibrating energy come from? It came from consciousness to begin with! So what we are observing as this seeming world “out there” is in fact a direct reflection of the thoughts that consciousness is having. Thoughts become things through the alchemy of creation. By thinking something, consciousness also creates it. Because it's all just a virtual reality, right? So, then... what's the power behind it all???

It's Love, silly! That's the whole reason for creating anything in the first place. Love is what makes up and sustains everything that is. And the Love of Prime Creator is a perfect, all-encompassing Love that is the only thing that really exists in an absolute and eternal sense. When we speak of Oneness, we are speaking of Infinite Love. They are the same thing.

Oneness does not vibrate, because there are no two different states for it to oscillate between. It is totally still. It simply IS. David Icke puts it so well when he describes how to get in touch with Infinite Love. All it takes is stillness. He doesn't feel the need to “meditate,” but he often does simply “sit quietly,” allowing all illusory thoughts to recede from his mind, allowing stillness to enter in. In that place of peace and stillness is the awareness of Infinite Love.


In my very limited experience, I have found that David's method can work to at least some degree. I have personally, however, had more success (i.e. a more “spectacular” experience) by placing my hands over my heart chakra and visualizing it opening like a flower with layer upon layer of petals, becoming ever more exposed and vulnerable. At the same time, I let go of ego as best I can and focus my being on just surrendering to the awesome truth of what is, to the experience of divine Love. With this method, I've been able to feel half-second bursts of the most incredible feeling I could imagine. And yet, I know that all I've allowed myself to feel has been the merest shadow, the faintest holographic imprint, of what Infinite Love really is. If I felt much more than that, I think I'd blow every fuse in my body. (grin)



I've been exposed to the idea of “You create your own reality” in an explicit way only since I read an e-book on “manifesting” using the so-called “Law of Attraction” a couple of years ago. However, that book didn't really seem to convey a full grasp of it all, in a practicable way, now that I compare it to Montalk's excellent summary on reality creation (Part 1, Part 2). You'll want to read that one for sure.

Reality creation is nothing more than the use of certain metaphysical principles to influence a given reality into being. Key factors are conscious intent (confidently deciding something, declaring it as your intent), attraction (holding thoughts that resonate with the desired reality), appropriate action (meeting reality halfway, creating possibilities for manifestation), and non-anticipation (anticipating something energetically blocks it from occurring in the way anticipated). Anxiety and doubt are obstacles to manifestation, whereas a nonchalant attitude of confidence and simple trust is key.

I have had at least one quite persuasive, though small-scale, success with reality creation. I once had a veritable clan of indestructible warts on my feet that persisted for many years, far longer than warts are supposed to last, despite my every attempt to scour them away with whatever wart cures the pharmacy had to offer. Finally, I decided, “Heck with it, I might as well try some of this voodoo, woo-woo stuff.” I put myself into as deep a trance state as I could achieve and thought wart-free thoughts as fervently as I could muster. For the next two weeks, I took “appropriate action” by eating a strict raw-foods, vegan diet. I hardly thought about my warts. I was emotionally detached from the results of the whole endeavour. Lo and behold, one morning I took a look at my feet: not a single wart nor any sign that I'd ever had one. As far as I'm concerned, that was reality creation at work, by the book. For a long time, I kind of half-dismissed the whole thing as an unrepeatable fluke, but I'm now hoping to use it to manifest progressively more spectacular results.



“Flow” is a related concept, also relevant to my current situation. I've been more or less pretty well in it lately, except for a few rough patches. Flow happens when you're following the path of least resistance. Conventional wisdom might call this laziness, but I call it not being a stupid goat-head, bashing yourself against the fence when you could just walk around it. One of David Icke's aphorisms is “Flow equals Go; Stuck equals Chuck (or change).” Being in the Flow is simply a sign that you're on the right track in life, doing what you're meant to be doing. Life isn't meant to be a miserable cycle of soul-sucking drudgery and failure; if that's your experience, then UR DOIN IT RONG. Either that or you actually signed up for such an experience before coming here; in that case, don't complain. (grin)

It's absolutely essential, if you want to get into the Flow and stay there, to follow your intuition. It'll never steer you wrong if you just cultivate the ability to hear what it's actually saying. Your intuition comes from the part of you, the non-egoic part, that's connected with all things and knows all things. It may come as the merest whisper or nudge, but you ignore it at your peril. The logical, reasoning mind can only see to the next bend, but the intuitive mind sees the whole route at once. It's there to guide you, so make use of it.

Remember the Little Engine that Could? He believed he could, and so that was his reality. If he'd believed the opposite, then he'd have gotten the opposite reality, “can't” instead of “can.” Believing makes it so. Be careful what you believe, what you tell yourself, and what you let others tell you. Your core beliefs are more than just the lens through which you view reality; they ultimately create that reality.

That's all I've got this time. Thanks for tuning in!

(This dream didn't seem very important at first. But the more I recalled of it, the more I realized how significant it might be – for its entertainment value, if nothing else. The following story is 95% straight from the dream, as close as I can get it and still have a coherent text.)

~

Buddy and I are messing around in the school gym. No one's around, so like the kids we are, we open up the bleachers and start running up and down, making kiddish little jokes. All of a sudden, I get this strong premonition, as if the fire alarm were sounding, even though nothing can be physically heard: “Danger, danger! Look outside!”

I run out, up the corridor, and through the two sets of glass doors to get outside. I look up. There's a gigantic thing in the sky, coming down. At first it's just a bunch of glowing straight lines, but as it slowly makes its spinning descent, its form becomes more solid. It's a friggin' alien spacecraft, and it does not feel friendly at all.

Before the thing even lands, I'm making to run inside to warn everybody, 'cause I got this huge adrenaline rush, fight-or-flight, and everything in me screams FLIGHT. But there's already a cascade of bodies piling out of the doors. People are going out to meet this thing. All they've got is curiosity and excitement, no idea that they're walking straight into the monster's jaws. I'm screaming at them as I fight the current to get back inside, but nobody pays any attention. I'm just an annoyance to them.

I watch helplessly as the crowd makes its way up to the ship, which has now landed on the grass of the playing field and opened up its large bay doors. A ramp bridges the divide between ship and schoolyard, nice and level. There's some kind of really weird mind control going on, like a voice in your head, and it seems to affect everyone but me. The message is basically that everything we could ever want and need is on board, and we'll all be so much happier if we leave our old lives behind and go along with the ship. It stinks to high heaven and I don't believe any of it for a second.

But everyone else is going. So what can I do except tag along?

~

I'm on the ship. It's a lot bigger on the inside, more like a city than a building. Earth is gone, we're stuck in outer space somewhere. Anywhere. Nowhere.

I have to say, they've got a pretty good set-up here. It's the perfect prison. There are no guards, no bars. But the conditioning! It was all done in stages, but now everyone's used to it. The meaningless jobs that they slave at for most of the day. The rules and regulations covering every aspect of their lives. The ugly, crowded accommodations. The sterile, artificial food.

I go visit my friend. He's still his happy old self. He's one of the first to have voluntarily moved to the new living quarters: a grid of concrete cells sunk about a metre and a half into the floor. Oh, but you can still move around freely, visit your neighbours. It's not that bad, really. He digs into his meal ration, a new and improved option: what looks like bread crumbs (but probably isn't), mixed with a chemical cocktail of different powders for enhanced flavour and nutrition and performance, with a little oil to make it stick together and go down. He offers me a taste. It's really good, he says, beaming. I decline.

Next day, there's an announcement: no work today. Just fun and good times. They call it Entertainment Day. They have these, what, once a month, once a year? Always a surprise, and it's such fun that nobody complains. Wouldn't dream of it. Aren't they so awesome for giving us Entertainment Day? I watch as everyone crowds into the coliseum. Not into the stands; their place is in the arena. Oh yeah, here they come: the bat-winged terror babies. Are they monkeys or babies? Whatever they are, we're all terrified of them. They swarm us and strafe us and swoop down to scrape us. We all run around like headless chickens, screaming, hooting and hollering. The masters love it. And somehow, so does everyone else. They like being terrorized.

I'm not like the others. I've never succumbed to any of the masters' conditioning. Oh, but I keep forgetting: they've got their own special conditioning just for me. You see, I serve them too. It has to be that way. In return, I get some pretty good perks. But I'm not a willing servant. I hate them for what they've done to us all. In my heart, I swear I will see their rule ended.

I suppose I should be thankful they let me keep at least part of my mind. I never remember any of the stuff I do for them, and maybe that's their sick idea of mercy. I'm not really human anymore; I'm something more... and less. I can appear in physical form, like the rare times I visit my old friends, but mostly I stay ghostly. It's a lot easier to explore places and observe what's going on when you don't have to explain your presence.

There are two of them, a male and a female. I belong to him, so I don't see as much of her. In my mind, I call them the Archons. Everyone loves them. Supposedly. Yeah, Big Mommy and Big Daddy. Nobody suspects the truth about Mommy and Daddy Archon: that all we are to them, and to their real children, is a big family food factory. We are their food.

Mister Archon is a giant, a four-metre-tall, reddish humanoid with a pair of long, black horns on his head. I have a hard time remembering what Missus Archon looks like. I think she's rather similar, except bluish. She tends to the demon-babies most of the time. Her partner is in charge of us slaves, it seems. I can tell their union is one of expedience and barely-disguised dysfunction. They both have terrible tempers, and I suspect they hate each other, but on the surface, everything is okay.

I only have one trick up my sleeve when it comes to getting back at them. Sure, I can play little tricks, get them to go at each other, but that's too sneaky for my tastes. I want them to know it's me.

I grab Mister Archon by the horns.

When I do that, he's totally helpless. It's amazing. 'Cause normally, he's this huge, intimidating beast of a being, and those horns are like the dot on the 'i' of his incredible fearsomeness. But they're so long that if I grab on close to the ends, he can't even reach me. He's reduced to a flailing, stamping, wall-banging, totally out-of-control, impotent mess. And who can respect a guy that suddenly goes apeshit like that for no apparent reason? His wife doesn't, that's for sure.

Maybe she'll take over from him, lock him up so he'll stop being such a public embarrassment. I daresay she could do it; despite his braggadacio, she does seem to be the one wearing the pants. I don't know how the slaves are going to react, but she controls the monkey army for sure.

I don't know what else to do. I don't have a plan. I don't see much hope for a revolt, much less a successful one. Maybe I'm a fool. But what do I have to lose? My life? Hah. I'm a ghost already. Maybe some miracle will happen, deus ex machina comes to set things right. The probabilities don't favour us, but maybe the universe does. That's my only hope.

In the meantime, all I can do...

... is grab the devil by the horns.

Who am I?

I honestly don't know.

I've got a general idea, though, so I'll get that out of the way first.

I am a bundle of energy. The same fundamental energy that makes up everything in existence, from gross physical matter all the way up to pure enlightened consciousness. This bundle that I experience as being “me” – or, perhaps more precisely, the bundle doing the experiencing, I don't know – vibrates on many planes, in many dimensions, of which I suspect most are more or less hidden from my current mode of awareness. There's an overarching part of me that's outside the whole concept of time, and then there's a bunch of little selves protruding out from that, through the veil, into the temporal realms. From this side of the veil, they might appear to occur at separate points in time, but viewed from the other side, all are simultaneous. They are all my incarnations in physical form. Unfortunately, the only one of them about which I consciously know anything is the one doing the writing here and now. He is, I'm afraid, only a very limited expression of who I truly am. A pitifully blind, foolish, and faulty being compared to the fullness of his unimaginably more evolved, timeless “future” self.

(Staying on this side of the veil for convenience, I use the terms “past” and “future” in their conventional sense.)

Having thus briefly established the general context, I am now left with only a puzzling series of clues as to my soul origin and my reasons for incarnating here at this time.

The first clue is that very little in this world of man's creation makes sense to me. I struggle to understand why the power centers of this world are dominated by psychopaths. I struggle to understand why the people tolerate being ruled by psychopaths whose greatest goal is to create a social system antithetical to freedom, hostile toward all things good and pure and true and natural. I struggle to understand the senseless violence and cruelty and destruction visited by humans upon those whom (and that which) they ought to love and cherish and protect. I struggle to understand the petty, selfish, manipulating ways of so many people.

The best explanation I've been able to come up with for all this is that Earth, in this age, is a tough, tough school. A “free-will free-for-all,” where these things have been allowed to develop because nobody is going to come along and fix them for us. They're not allowed to, even if they'd like to. This planet is the way it is because we, collectively, have made it that way through our free will. All it takes is a small minority of truly evil beings, left unchecked, to transform paradise into the pit of hell. We allowed these people to come along and slowly subvert our systems and our values. We're the ones that gave 'em the green light, when we went along to get along, didn't stop and say “Hey, this isn't okay.” We did that because most of us were too busy with all of our little preoccupations in life. We weren't paying attention. We ignored the signs they waved in our faces. And, quite frankly, we weren't grown up enough to take responsibility. Our history is mostly a history of adult children. Earth humans, on the whole, just haven't been very mature. We've been obsessed with the needs of our egos, and we've spread our disease over the whole earth. Hence, we suffer, and we pass that suffering on from generation to generation.

Now how is this a clue?

Well, my intuition has told me, and my readings up and down the Interwebs have indicated, that Earth is in transition from an age of darkness to an age of light. This is a common thread through so many different prophecies that it's hard to believe otherwise if you put any stock in such things. Of course, one must always employ the good old-fashioned reality check with such matters. As it turns out, I do see the signs of that happening in the real world. I certainly don't believe in any storybook climactic battle or any human revolution of the kind we've seen before. I do believe that change is happening in uncountable ways, large and small, from the mundane to the cosmic. The evidence is there if you just look for it.

So I chose to incarnate at this time of transition. I, who feel so strongly the desire for a better world, am, in my own small way, a part of making that better world manifest. If you have the same desire in your heart, then you are a part of it, too. :)

That assisting, supportive role is, I'm sure, a big part of the reason I came here. But how, specifically, am I supposed to fulfill it?

The best answer I have at the moment is, in whatever way I can.

I'm sure a large portion of my work here is done without my even being terribly aware of it. Just by holding my energy in a physical body, participating in the collective consciousness of Earth humanity, going through my own inner process of becoming, and touching the lives of those around me, I am helping.

I've worked at a lot of different jobs in my time here, most of them menial and some more obviously “service to others”-oriented, some less, but none of them have especially said to me, “this is what you're here to do.” They've all simply been learning experiences and ways to earn my bread. At the moment, I hail from the deep ranks of the unemployed. For my next job, I hope to deliver the mail.

If you were to ask me what my best talents are, I'd probably say writing and building my own creations out of LEGO. The former I am just about passable at, and the latter is simply the end result of a prolonged childhood hobby cum artistic pursuit which I am now apparently in the process of leaving behind (but not before I finish a few final works in progress, heh heh). I daresay neither is a realistic career-driver. I'd rather do those things on my own terms, for my own reasons, than subject to the demands of a market, anyway.

I haven't confirmed this, but I've been told (post-initiation) that I have an especially powerful ability to channel reiki. I'm pretty sure reiki isn't bull, because I've felt its effects several times. One of my former employers had a natural ability, which she demonstrated on me. I didn't even know what she was doing, but I suddenly felt like I was burning up from the inside. All she'd done was hold her hands over my shoulders. So that was definitely something real. And if I can develop that “talent” in myself, I'm sure it will be a good way for me to serve humanity in the future. (Besides, I really like the idea of what reiki is supposed to be: a sort of loving, intelligent life-force energy that replenishes and balances the energy centers of the body, bringing healing, peace, and vitality to both patient and healer. :) I'm sure science will one day explain it, and my mind will be glad when it does, but I'm satisfied with just the touchy-feely understanding of it, too. It's one of those things, I guess, that you have to experience for yourself to truly understand.)

Obviously, since I mentioned writing, that is one way I can be of service. I've actually had a couple of “guidance” dreams that seemed to underline the idea that I should keep a blog like this one. So here we are with that. Yay!

I won't get into the things I've learned about myself and my life purpose from numerology or Mayan astrology here, because this entry is long enough already. Maybe another time.

OK, so much for what I'm supposed to be doing here. (Besides the obvious life purpose of gaining experience and using it to grow, I mean.) But now I'm left with the hardest puzzle of all: where the heck am I from?

The short answer is, I don't know and I don't think it really matters at this point. On the other hand, I'm dying to find out. Is it inner Earth? Jupiter? Arcturus? The Pleiades? Sirius? Andromeda? Cassiopaea? Orion? Just throwing out names, lol. It could be any one of these, or none. I don't feel a special affinity toward any star system, species, or channeled group. I'm just “me,” plain and simple. But I must have been “somewhere else” in recent past lives, because even our very 3-D physicality seems so quaint and painfully limiting to me. (haughty voice) “Where I come from, you know, we have telepathy and instant teleportation.” Or something like that. (grin)

The question of my so-called “soul origin” remains open. I'm open to clues, but I'm not very hopeful, either. I think if I knew, I'd run the risk of identifying too strongly with some off-planet past, and distract and distance myself from where I am now. Because for now, I am one of the ones I came here to help. I'm as much an Earth human as anyone else here. It's the only way I could do what I'm supposed to do. And you know what? If a friendly stranger offered me a ride in their spaceship, I might be tempted... but I don't think I'd get on board. In this life, my place is here, among these fallen souls who I call my brothers and my sisters. I, along with all the others like me, am in this with them. Together we'll make what happens, happen. And “the Lord and all his angels” shall be with us. :)

Once again, I have been totally neglecting this blog, despite all my good intentions to keep writing in it. Now I come to a point where I really don't care how wise or knowledgeable or intelligent or talented with words I come across as being. Life has lately been so humbling to me that I simply can't afford to set up any thresholds higher than where I am right now, which is flat on the floor, metaphorically speaking. My desire to impress and inspire others has been beaten out of me. I am nothing.

And yet, I am here.

And yet, I shine forth what little refracted, dimly reflected light I have.

(I've also given up on the idea that I have to write on a specific topic every time. Right now, I'm just letting the words flow. So much easier to let these entries write themselves. ;) )

I was thinking just now, at breakfast (coffee and cream, which is how I start my day when I'm not at all feeling on top of my world, otherwise it's usually tea and porridge), how masterful we are at deceiving ourselves. Even sometimes when we tell ourselves and believe we're being honest, we're not.

I've been deceiving myself in the most tragicomical way these past months. Thinking I could go on and make my way through life without doing certain things. As though I were some kind of special case. And given how basically honest (I think) I am, that deception has had to rely on a huge helping of denial in order to stay viable. I am an introvert, and I have a vivid inner life. My imagination dreams up things that aren't necessarily true all the time. Normally, I can tell the difference between outer reality and these products of imagination, but that does sometimes require taking a step back and being consciously objective about things. In the case of this lie, I didn't want to do that, so I had to keep telling myself new lies and stopping myself from thinking about the whole issue. And that's how it usually works, isn't it?

Truth has a way of coming out, though, and lies have a way of being revealed for what they are. All it takes is time for the circumstances to bring that about. In my particular case, luckily, those circumstances have now become concrete and impossible to ignore. Given certain acquired failings of my character, I am infinitely grateful for the support I have been receiving from my close relatives and friends. Without their help, I would probably be well on the way to being evicted from my apartment by now.

Much as I'd like to be able to offer some kind of generally applicable wisdom on this subject (and heaven knows I love to play the wise man), I feel obliged at this moment to at least try to rein in that ambition and not overstep my bounds. We'll see how that works out, though. ;)

Without spinning too many sweeping generalities, let me touch upon one of the greatest deceptions I've ever perpetrated upon myself, from my current perspective: religion.

Starting when I first became aware of such a thing as personal religious faith, around perhaps the age of six or seven, up until my twenty-fourth year, religion was a major part of my life. In retrospect, my first impression of it, through the innocent eyes of a four-year-old boy, was probably the truest. I remember sitting in church about Easter time, listening to the words of the preacher, and thinking, “Why does he keep going on about this dead guy named Jesus? What do I care?” There were more sermons from different speakers, but they were all on the same (to my mind) irrelevant subject. And man, were they depressing, too! I said to my parents, straight up, that I didn't care to hear any more about this dead guy named Jesus. They were taken aback, I guess, but shrugged off my words as mere childish talk, not to be taken too seriously. I imagine they figured I would come around when I was a little older and better able to understand what it (the Jesus thing) was all about. Well, they were right about that. I did come around. I came around pretty hard, actually.

The sect of Christianity I was raised into is a fascinating subject unto itself, but for the purposes of this blog entry let me sum it up with just one word: conservative. I even hesitate to use that label, because I know a lot of folks inside that group who I would describe as being rather liberal than conservative, and God bless them for that. (grin) I prefer to view the sect as a collection of unique (emphasis: unique!) individuals under one convenient banner rather than a monolithic group of thought-clones. Although, come to think of it, it does contain its share of the clones, too... no, I'm kidding. But it's true that a certain degree of suppression of independent thought is a feature there, which is, I think, typical of all dogmatic institutions. But I digress.

Suffice to say there is a certain set of dogmatic beliefs, both overt and unspoken, that you generally have to subscribe to in order to be broadly accepted as a member of the sect, one of the “believers.” Never mind whether those beliefs are internally consistent, logical, or based on fact. I'm not even saying they necessarily aren't. That's for each person to decide for themselves. What I'm saying is, that's the requisite for membership, in practical terms. (Plus there's the matter of who's qualified to open the door for you; clearly, only an existing member has that qualification. I bypassed that myself, being born and raised into the faith.)

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that I was about as “in” as you can be. I believed it all, even the parts that were not so easy to swallow. It wasn't even very difficult, most of the time. Do you know why?

I wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe, and that was that. That's really what it comes down to. If, deep down, you really want to believe something, you'll find a way to do it. In the case of a lie, you'll set up whatever construction of denials, plausible lines of reasoning, and/or emotional appeals it takes. Failing that, you'll just... believe anyway. Or not. But in my case, for a long time, I did. (And yes, I am personally coming out and calling that belief system a lie, because that is what it most definitely appears to be in my eyes now. I have no qualms or doubts when I say that. But, as always, judgement is subjective. One person's despicable lie is another's sublime truth. Ain't nothing wrong with that.)

Now mind you, a belief system certainly doesn't have to be all true to be useful. If Christianity weren't useful to someone, it would have no reason to exist. In the same vein, a lie doesn't have to be all untrue in order to be an effective lie. It merely has to bend the truth just enough.

It was because of the perceived overall usefulness to me of that conservative Christian belief system, and its apparent proximity to the truth as I then beheld it, that I wanted to invest myself in it. When those circumstances changed – in other words, when I gradually lost my spiritual use for it and it was no longer close enough to my evolving sense of the truth – I abandoned it. Very simple.

And yet, there was that crucial, defining moment of decision, when I said to myself, “I just want the truth. Come what may, I just want the truth.” In that moment, I was prepared to give up beliefs that I'd cherished for years, which had become part of my very identity, and which formed the context, if not the basis, of almost my entire social life, all for the sake of finding the truth. I no longer wanted to believe as much as I wanted to find the truth.

It was in that moment that I made a bigger leap of faith than I'd ever made before. Faith means trusting. I trusted that I would be able to find greater truth, and that that greater truth would not condemn my soul to eternal suffering in hell (as I'd been assured so many times that it would), but that it would actually set me free instead.

Well, to be honest, I don't think I'm very free yet – at least, not nearly as free as I'd like to be – but I'm certainly freer in some key ways as a direct result of no longer deceiving myself in line with that tired old system. I think the less I fool myself, the freer I become. It's working on the level of practical, everyday issues, so why shouldn't it work on higher levels as well? Food for thought.

I was going to write an entry yesterday, but found myself up against an impossibility. The problem was one that crops up time and again: the nature of ego. In starting this blog, I was (I believe) following my heart, doing something that I needed to do and was guided to do. However, when it came time to create content, I was paralyzed by twin voices of my ego: puffed-up self-importance and crushing self-criticism.

I am the center of my reality - or, more precisely, the perceived I is at the center of my perceived reality - so it is extremely easy, when considering myself in relation to the world at large, for the ego to begin concocting grandiose notions of my own significance. That then leads to exaggerated expectations and pressure to perform, followed by the realization that of course I can't measure up to that. I was crazy to think I could. Who am I to think that I, such a latecomer and minor-league player, a mere nobody, might have anything to offer that might make an iota of difference? What's so special about me? Of course, humility is needed, the sense of one's own specialness should be tempered with detached objectivity and realism. But the ego loves to play victim.

So it's been a little over 24 hours. I wrote a cathartic piece on my older blog, and that helped a little. I got a good night's sleep. This evening, just before writing this, I did a light workout and listened to an alpha-frequency brainwave entrainment MP3 to help me meditate. (I don't meditate or exercise nearly enough!)

I know how important it is, for the path I'm on and the things I want to write about, to overcome the traps of ego consciousness. So the conscious inner work on myself is really a prerequisite, and not only because of that "issue." I have a lot of issues, including some really big ones. But that's OK. I will do my best regardless.

I wasn't expecting to be this slow getting started, but I think quality is a higher priority than speed, anyway. To whoever out there is feeling the suspense or whatever, just relax. (I dunno who that would be, but I thought I'd cover that base.) All in god time. OMG typo. ;)

Back soon, I hope. Mustn't stay up too late, although I'm afraid it's already much past my bedtime. Bad BCth, bad. Eh, I blame these light nordic summer nights.