Limits of an Infinite Self

I just posted on the current Visible Origami thread and got the first part of my text redacted, probably for adult content, for which Visible's blogs carry no warning. [Edit: Actually, I simply failed the "prove you're not a robot" test.] I've just now (finally) put the warning on my own blog -- so I feel OK about posting the full text here.



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WARNING! The following contains explicit description of actual sexual energies and effects.

"One of the great miracles and mysteries of this vast polarity [Yin and Yang] is that a particle of the unique signature of the Love of each pair of Twin Flames exists within every atom of this Creation. This is true not just for Humans but for Creator Gods as well, and anyone else who has a Twin. That Love is a truly infinite river, and when it is allowed to flow through the Human heart it brings an expanded awakening, a very rapid growth, of that Being."

I just had a heart opening on a level beyond anything previous. It seems to have awakened my Kundalini; or, at least, initiated a "test run" of my chakra/DNA circuits. (I had help from sweet Mary Jane. She makes the lens of consciousness magnify, but fogs it up somewhat, too.) No idea how permanent this is, I'm still high.

It started with a rush of the pleasure of Presence while having coffee with my wife. I began to slip into a sweet surrender to the energies of Creation. It was a sexual feeling. I felt that I was female, and God was my Lover. It became an Ecstasy of Love. Pure Desire, perfectly mirrored between me and my wife. I went alone for a bit. I drink You, God! An unbelievably deep, rich, and intense (female) orgasm came over me, going on and on and on. I did not "come," I just rode the wave. My wife thought I was doing something naughty, because I was kinda loud.

I then took a few notes before I went to join my love in bed.

This thing is pretty intense. It's like having the lights turned on all up and down your chromosomes. Funny, that: chromo. I felt like we were marrying the colours of the spectrum, bringing it all together into balance and unity. I asked my wife, "What shall we create?", as I felt how sexual union drives the engines of Creation. I answered for us both, I said, "We do this for Great Healing." It became a ritual of Sacred Sex, devoted to manifesting the maximum possible Healing for both of us.

I have been in near-constant initiation. It's pretty wild stuff. But it still feels like a practice run to check my readiness for the real thing....

"I know the norm on this Planet is that when the Twins meet it’s often a train wreck, because of the distortion and the Twin Flame Rift. But for those of you reading this — if you have experienced the meeting of your Twin and have felt the great pain of this rift — I think what I have to say can bring comfort and healing. There is a great tendency to focus obsessively on the physical form of the other half of the Twin, which narrows the heart and cuts off the flow of the universality of this Love. For those of you who have met your Twins and have found the relationship to be one clouded by Karma and disharmony and heartbreak, I would recommend this: Instead of reaching forward to grasp the other, that you lean back into your heart and open yourself to this Universal River of Love and allow it to pour forth through you, opening your heart to the magnificence of this fantastic dynamic that exists in every atom of this Creation. Realize that your Love is not so small as to be contained only in two bodies, but your Love is part of what makes the Earth go around the Sun, and the Sun go around the Central Sun, and all the Stars pour forth their Light on Creation. The dynamic of your Twin Love is contained within the moonlit dewdrops in a summer’s night, it is contained within the rainbows, it is contained within the ocean spray and the nectar that the butterflies sip. Open yourself up to that magic movement and understand that you are an intrinsic part of the fabric of life, that all life within this Creation has its foundation in polarity, and polarity is the great engine that moves this particular Creation. Your Love is the fuel of that polarity; your love is the dynamic of that polarity. And once you tap into it, you can experience the Universal Love and the universal dynamic of this motion. You may constrict your focus on the physical desire for your Twin in a Third Dimensional body. But if you reverse your vision and understand that this is but the nerve endings of vast, giant hands touching, and expand that awareness to let this love flow through your heart, then more and more you will see your beloved in everything, in everyone, and everywhere."

Soundtrack: Deep Forest - Boheme

A richly woven carpet of sand, reindeer lichen, heather, bilberry, lingonberry, pinecones and needles caresses my bare feet as I wend my way over the rises and falls of the forest floor. I marvel at the abundance of tiny, smoke-purple-winged butterflies in these high-summer woods, and taste the first bilberries of the season. I bury my face in the soft, fuzzy green leaves of a waist-high sapling and give thanks for the ever-loving, ever-giving nature of trees.

During my walk, I realize that this rebirthing that I'm going through is a continuous process. Little by little, that which is unreal within me dies away, so that the real can arise. Or, to put it another way, the power of the unreal over me diminishes as my awareness of it grows. I become more able to choose the real over the unreal. But this is all very vague and abstract.

In more specific terms, what I've gone through in recent days has been a painful stripping away of my denial of some very ugly aspects of myself. Narcissism. Hypocrisy. The list goes on. I begin to awaken to the full reality of the deep karmic debt which I've incurred in this life. The people I've treated as objects for ego gratification. The parasitical behaviour, taking everything that's offered and giving only when it's convenient. The refusal to take responsibility for my own situation and change it. The attitude that this world somehow owes me for being so alien to what I'd prefer it to be. The idea that I can just go on doing whatever I feel like with no regard for other human beings or the reality in which I live. Playing games to get what I want. Bending the truth, glossing over inconvenient facts. Gossiping behind people's backs. Using my spiritual and intellectual gifts as a cloak for all of the above, instead of truly devoting and applying them for the good of all beings. I've known all this on some level already, but it took two destroyed relationships in one day, and the frank rebuke of both individuals concerned, to finally break through my denial.

Whatever else this blog has been to those who read it, for me it's been a toy. A game. A diversion. All ego, with just enough Spirit to have some small justification for its existence. I've been playing a role that's only part of who I really am. And this idea that I'm on some kind of spiritual path, that's bullshit. I've done all that, it's not what I need to concern myself with in this life. I've got gifts, and I sure as hell ought to use them when the opportunity presents itself, but this monologue is the least of the ways I can do that. Practically insignificant.

If you want to talk about spiritual or esoteric topics with me, you're more than welcome to send me an email. Whatever insight I have to offer is at your disposal.

I've recently had the opportunity to begin reacquainting myself with my inborn energy-healing abilities. This is an area in which I see myself developing and being of service in the future.

I don't know what the future shape of this blog will be. I will leave it up, and I will post whatever I feel prompted to post, as I've always done. The blogs you see listed on the right are all excellent and worth checking out.

My immediate future appears to hold a trip to southern Spain. During my stay there I will get back into a balanced lifestyle and weigh my options for what to do next. I must ultimately follow my heart. Signs have seemed to be pointing to Africa, but that could just as well mean nothing. I expect to return to both Finland and Canada. I have karmic debts to repay in both places.

A new world is coming. At some point, some of us may find ourselves moving between different dimensions within that new world, or even between planets. All of us who survive will, in whatever capacity, contribute to building that new world. That new world is already here as a blueprint, waiting to be made manifest. The transition is ongoing. It began a long time ago. Everything is under control. There is no need to try to anticipate or stress over what's coming down the pike. All we need concern ourselves with is following the still, small voice within, making the sometimes drastic and difficult changes in our own lives that we need to make. You have a role that you came here to play. It's up to you to discover it and play it to the fullest. And the fact is, you will, whether you consciously decide to or not.

So I indulged in a little sermon after all. Take it as you will, or don't. It's a fart in a hurricane, a desperate cry to have my significance acknowledged. Don't encourage me and for heaven's sake, don't assume that I'm right. Listen to your own truth. It's inside you and nowhere else.

From here on in, I stick to what I know. If I do start spouting nonsense that I can't back up, I pray for someone to write me a comment saying the emperor has no clothes.



Blessings to all.

Over and out.

For a while now, part of me has been in a state of prayerful expectation for the next revelation in my life, the next piece of the puzzle to cross my path. It is said that when the disciple is ready, the master will appear. And so it has now proven to be in this case.

It came about through a chance reference (though nothing is by chance) to the Eastern concept of bodhisattva. The word, with the impression I got from the context, strongly drew my attention. In an email discussion with Tertius, my interest toward the subject of this type of incarnated soul (and Eastern esotericism in general) only grew, and I began my preliminary investigations on Wikipedia. Almost immediately thereafter, I was contacted by another friend on the phone, who just happened to have a link to some wisdom teachings that he thought might interest me. After visiting the library and picking up some books, I checked out that link. Eureka! I mean, wow. That stuff sucked me right in.

The thing about esoteric teachings, the kind that are supposed to transform your life from the inside out, is that there's no guarantee. You either get it or you don't, and there are many levels of getting it. Degrees of comprehension. How deep it goes just depends on how prepared your consciousness is. Well. I was very receptive to this material, and as I read it, I could taste the meaning. As I breathed in the concepts, I began to embody them, and feel them working. Soon I was directly experiencing some of the same states of consciousness that the texts were talking about. To be sure, it was only a “lite” version of the full thing, like maybe a 2 out of 10 where you have no idea what the factor is between 2 and 3, or 3 and 4, or any of the rest, so it could really be more like 0.000002 out of 10. (So much for linear thinking, haha, not much use with this stuff, eh?) But regardless of how puny my level of comprehension compared to the totality of it, it was enough. It really did change my whole way of seeing reality, put me in a different operating mode. To use the computer analogy, it felt like I was now running software written in a more basic, and thus more powerful, language. The limitations of the usual, more complex language were no longer an issue. The persistent bugs in my particular version of the software could now simply be circumvented by invoking a code closer to the God-like level of raw binary. And I felt... liberated.

Of course the analogy is flawed. Hmmm, I had some more illuminating words in mind earlier...

Yes. The mis-identification of the Self with the imagined object. Body, mind, ego: these are not the Self. They are projections in a dream. And so you recognize them for what they are. Recognize that self-awareness is the eternal observer independent of any temporal thing. See everything that appears to have a separate existence in the context of the dream. “My body (in the dream) is tired (in the dream).” “My (illusory) mind is wrestling with these (illusory) thoughts.” “My (imagined) ego is pleased (in the dream).” The words, of course, are not necessary. What counts is the awareness in the moment. And the word “my” – well, it's not the perfect word, but you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. (grin)

Fortunately for whoever reads this (and who are you, anyway? Keep asking that, I swear it'll take you places!), I have the sense to stick with convention as far as the writing goes – when I'm not messing with your head. So ego continues to carry the ball, like it's supposed to... at least on the surface. (wink)

The effect of all this lucidity for me has been pretty nice. There's the whole elimination of suffering bit, of course. But most interesting has been the inversion of this most annoying tendency I have, as an extreme introvert, to be full of activity on the inside, yet appallingly ineffective on the outside. By quieting the mind and watching the dream as a spectator, the undertaking of appropriate action becomes nearly effortless. I will it, and it happens. Very cool! It may sound kind of silly for someone who's never dealt with such a problem, but for me this is really a life-saver. For the sake of this effect alone, I intend to keep up the practice as diligently as I can. It's not about enlightenment at this stage, it's about mastering this enough to have it in my bag of tricks for everyday self-management.

That's all for now. Have a lucid day!

War is bad. We don't like war. Never wanted it.