Ideal vs. Actual, True vs. Real

I am an idealist. I generally believe in the ideal, for better or for worse, as an actual thing, somewhere out there, existing, even attainable, given enough time. Faith and endurance, if anything, are what will bring the ideal into actuality. But, if absolute perfection is the ideal, then we can approach it forever and never actually get there. To what degree, then, must a thing be perfect, if it is to be ideal?  (And if we can't get there, is it still worth trying? I'd say, regardless of whether you're a realist or an idealist, the answer ought to be yes.)

I suppose the problem with idealism stems from the fact that each of us has a different idea(l) in mind when we speak of ideals. Ergo, conflict arises between those with contradictory ideals. But this is only a problem if we take the relativist view, the subjective view of individual humans. Two problems: the realist either denies the existence of the ideal (due to lack of evidence for it in perceived reality), or, allowing its existence in hypothesis, claims that we cannot conceive of it ourselves, because it is beyond our (believed, and thus perceived) nature.

We are the imagination of ourselves.

Yes, I've noticed....

The one who perceives only the appearances of the conditions of this world will insist that the ideal is not a realistic goal, given how far it is from reality. But for one who believes in it, it can be the only goal. Where the two may reach balance is if the idealist takes each realistic goal as a temporary, short-term goal, as a step, on the way to the final goal.

(Which, remember, can't ever be reached!)

(And doesn't exist!!!)

Human fallibility – of course! is what gums it all up in practice. As you can imagine. Look at the world. See? But wait, now, if you look closer, if you give it time, if you listen, if you're open – you will see signs that the better nature in the human spirit lives on. The desire for harmony, peace, mutual prosperity (our ideals?). For learning and growth as well. (The process!) The realist and the idealist can come together and help make progress, if they choose. And the more so according to the degree to which their realism or their idealism is pure – that is to say, true.

Undistorted. Holistic. Integral. Free of dogma.

Knowledge-based or faith-based.

Good so far. But what about life in the moment? What about life as an evolving, individual soul? What is the ideal for ourselves? And how can we deal with the pitfalls of idealism in the personal arena, in how we relate to self and others?

Idealism and realism, both like pits full of shit until the light of awakening consciousness does its work on them. Each has its “pitfalls.”

Somnambulant (spiritually asleep) realists may believe that what they see and sense, and that alone, is real. They often overestimate their own objectivity. They disdain imagination (the greatest tool we have) and the sense of wonder (our bringer of miracles), and so bring upon themselves a restricted field of possibilities, and much drudgery. The solutions to these are implicit in their presentation.

The undeveloped idealist is the worst sort of daydreamer. Never achieves anything, never satisfied with anything – and if they're satisfied, it's only because they're so indifferent, because they're either living in their own world of ideals and daydreams, or they've given up hope of ever achieving it. The lack of hope, of the desire to improve, of the will to serve, are equally stifling as they would be in the realist. These are signs of a faithless idealist, one who has not the courage of their convictions or the spine enough to act on them.

Here's an imagined dialogue between two somewhat more evolved individuals.

Realist: What are you doing?
Idealist: I'm meditating on my vision of perfection.
R: While doing... what... for real?
I: Well, uh... I could tell you about this vision, for real.
R: Oh. OK. And, when you're done, I can tell you about some suggestions I have, based on my own observations, about how to improve things around here in the present moment.

So the true, positive, conscious realist does have an ideal toward which they strive – it's just... a direction, more than any particular idea. An increment of perfection. Reaching in time for whatever betterness is within reach. There is no thought of a final perfection, or an absolute. The existence of either is debatable, and hardly relevant anyway. It's a very practical way to see and live. And, at its best, open-ended. Trust in the process leads to good destinations.

The mature idealist is realistic enough to know just how far they are from being able to imagine a perfect ideal. Realistic enough to set their practical ideals within practical reach. But yet faithful enough to believe, still, that perfection exists in the Heart of All, and, subjectively at least, in the Realm of Pure Ideas. The Heart of All, of course, is no-where and no-when. It is beyond manifestation, it is the source of the manifest. All manifest beings and manifest realities reflect degrees and variations of the Heart, n-dimensional bytes and slices of an infinite-dimensional matrix of possibility, all rooted in the zero point of perfection where all is equally possible, if not equally distant.

It is that discouraging distance from perfection, the wide gap and heavy contrast between the observed and the imagined, that trouble this young idealist so often. I speak of myself. I am troubled when I look upon the content of my character as observed by the consciously observing, neutral part of me, outside the box of ego.

The I!

The Eye?

And I compare it to what I imagine I could be and should be. What I want to be. The differences would fill volumes.

But... my instrument of observation is not neutral; it produces distortions. It contains judgments and is subject to strict limitations. So what I think I observe is not even necessarily close to objective reality..!

 Accuracy, precision, frequency bandwidth, field of view, focus, lens: the variables in forming a picture of what is, or what appears to be.

Accuracy suffers from judgment; judgment is relative to perspective; only the whole perspective gives whole accuracy. So when I judge myself, and I do so harshly, I see myself in a distorted light.

Precision comes with a more refined degree of complexity (higher resolution) of the consciousness doing the observing. Frequency bandwidth, I won't discuss, because the dynamics are too involved beyond the scope of this article... but “scope” is indeed the next variable, aka. field of view. Which is what gives us a context to understand and comprehend the relative nature, the function, the necessity, the genius, the beauty, and the purpose of a part within the greater whole.

Focus: the area into which consciousness concentrates its energies. How well you can focus determines the intensity of your picture. What you focus on, grows. First inside you, then around you appear the results.

Lens: your state of being. Dirty and dark, or clear and bright? Fearful... or loving? Chaotic, conflicted, confined... or harmonious, unified, expansive? Divided by judgment, or reconciled by understanding and acceptance? Connected or cut off? Strong or weak? You can choose your state of being, if you remember the part of you that chooses it – become the part of you that is it.

The totality of you – IS perfection. It is what is: the ideal and the actual, the true and the real.

Let your most beautiful ideal inspire you to act within the real. Let your innermost knowing of who you are guide you. Create your experience of yourself by choosing what to be. Imagine yourself as God, and know that the form you take here is just a little piece of that. It doesn't matter how imperfect we seem to be; we are part of a grander perfection in a grander scheme than we can dream of. You, the far-from-ideal, pathetic little human with all your faults and weaknesses, can no more sully the perfection that is God than you can erase your own eternal existence as God.

We lament when our dreams fall by the wayside, or shatter painfully, or torture us, or turn out to be hollow, or morph into nightmares. But where would we be without the Dream? We are the Dream: these characters we play and the stories we make. We each express our own Ideal,

our own vibration of God,

on its long journey to self-discovery and self-realization. That is what this is about. We're works in progress. Maybe there is no destination, no beginning and no ending. Maybe this is just an ever-changing Dream of Who We Are, Who We Think We Are, Who We Are Becoming, and Who We Wish To Be.

Timor Dinosaurus

[The following is a fictional adaptation of a totally natural, very minor, and definitely un-weird experience. ;-) Or alternatively, you may think of it as the narrative of the Fool, caught in the delirium he deems reality...]

I recently had a soul flashback, a sudden awakening, to a deep, dim racial memory encoded in the oldest parts of our mitochondrial DNA. I remembered the nature of dinosaurs. Part of me almost became a dinosaur, channeling the energy of dinosaur-ness, across the vast evolutionary gulf that divides our lineages. I felt the coarse, primitive instincts of that colder, duller, fiercer and more ancient race of sentients that once, for so long, held dominion over the earth. After a tiny flutter of dismay, curiosity won me over - I observed these energies, embodied and amplified in this part of myself engaged in re-membering. I went through, subjectively as my own, the looming ancient forbears of what are, in us today, reduced into core-level functions, esoteric vestiges and mere latent potentials in our farther-evolved patterns of consciousness. Through this experiencing came empathy, acceptance, and the reconciliation that comes with finally understanding a previously alien other.

As I continued re-membering, I was hit with another flashback – this one more jarring, vivid and fearsome and immediate as it was. Much closer on the tree of life, on the very branch from which we descend: I remembered what it was to be a wee mammal in those times. What it was to cower before these mountainous, overwhelming, thunderous beasts; to fear these cold-blooded giants above any other creature; to subsist in the meagre cracks afforded by the world of our aloof, antagonistic superiors. They were lords and titans; we a newborn race – hardly able to survive, much less challenge their rule, which only followed from the unsympathetic laws of that lower animal nature.

As I watched and felt, I saw the dynamic between our two orders change, over the millions of years they shared the planet. There was a gradual shift from enmity toward acceptance. The dinosaurs' initial vicious hatred and xenophobia toward us, gave way to a mild sort of antipathy and resentment, to mere annoyance, to grudging acceptance, and finally, as we gained in strength, to scattered stirrings of respect for such a longtime, worthy evolutionary opponent – all ending in the Great Time of Transition, with the decline of the dinosaur clan: the cosmic culmination and phasing out of that great, awful, and awesome form of being.

They died and were raised up again, the harvest together with the mulch, passing through the accelerating event horizon of chaos, to emerge in a new world order in the form of birds and lizards. Post-apocalypse, we mammals rushed to fill a larger world with a new cast of primaries... including, eventually, the primates...

The gift in this small glimpse was to be able to see, acknowledge, understand, forgive, bless and release these very deep traumas and conflicts within us: to process, integrate, and transcend that collective karma. It's all part of the Great Work. Those of us engaged in it, do it on behalf of God and Goddess, in service to the sun, the planet, the human species, our soul groups, and our many selves in parallel realms of the universe.

And I realize that all of it, all my interpretation, only reflects how I see myself!

That all my judgments are illusions born of the sense of separation that I bear.

How much clearer
and more blessed a quality
would these things bear for me,
if I saw and if I felt them
with the eyes and with the heart
of love!

But I do see it,
now I do see it

all, perfect.

Once Upon a Scorpio New Moon

I got up this morning with a curse on my lips. “Vittu! – Damn!” I looked at the time – 1:11 pm. Number sightings.... I didn't know how long I'd lain awake, slogging through the knee-deep muck of my brain, stuck in the same quality of thought that I'd gone to bed with: the new perceptions I'd had revealed to me by the action of last night's Scorpio New Moon. I hadn't resisted; there would have been no point. I knew I'd been stagnating spiritually for some time, so I'd looked forward to that moment as an opportunity for progress via deep introspection into the darkest places, the most unacknowledged parts of myself. If you've ever done that or had it happen to you, then you know what I'm talking about. It is slightly less fun than carving your eyelids with a kitchen knife... but unlike that horrid mental image, it can be a good thing despite the unpleasantness. Like gulping down a cup of vile-tasting natural medicine that ultimately helps destroy the pathogen that's trying to destroy you, or correct the imbalance that's holding you back.

I say this kind of darkwork (which is just another type of lightwork) is absolutely essential on a spiritual path. It gives you an awareness of how much work you still have to do, just how powerful has been the hold of the unconscious parts of you now being made conscious. It's also very humbling when you realize, as I did in this case, how obvious some of those unseen aspects of yourself can be to others, through their effect on your outward behaviour.

Sometimes, when the grace is granted, you shine as your best self. You discover strengths and abilities and virtues you might not have known you had. Those moments are pure gold. But the opposite of shining also takes place: being shined upon. I subscribe to the notion that, in the course of human interaction (and intra-action), light goes from the place that has it to give, to the place that needs it, if both sides agree to the exchange on some level. This happens, for example, in a healing situation, or in a transfer of knowledge. The new-age practice of lovebombing, beaming light and love where they've not been requested to try to change things for the better, for instance in the hopes that world leaders / PowersThatWere will act wisely and compassionately instead of selfishly and murderously, sometimes fails to take into account the sovereign free will choice of some of those souls to actually pursue the path of darkness. Accepting love-light in pure form would be detrimental to their progress (and so their refusal deepens the shadow in which they reside and the love-light bounces back), but I suspect if that love-light is of a low enough spiritual quality, because of, say, ignorant wishful thinking, or psychological dependency / Stockholm syndrome on the part of the lightworker, then it may even end up feeding the negativity it was intended to alleviate. There's a fine line between the earnest desire for positive change, and the law of allowing. The key to navigating that line, I think, is detachment from the outcome of one's efforts. To do something just because it's right, just because your soul wants to do it, and not because of any desire to overrule or win against somebody, or to achieve good things for the justification of ego's self-righteous holier-than-thou narcissism. Doing from a place of love, rather than fear. Love sees the world as perfect, just as it is, while giving total freedom to act in favour of greater harmony, often inspiring and even compelling such action. Lightwork and darkwork: shine and let shine.

So often the comforting things we tell ourselves about ourselves are nothing more than lies to let us maintain equilibrium in spite of some disturbing truth. Denial. If we are deeply honest with ourselves, willing to face that truth without fear or judgment, then the way to greater integrity is open. The darkness that was there loses its power to hide from us the truth, and to steal from us our sovereign power of selfhood. Energy that used to be expended upon maintaining the lie is now freed for more constructive use. We are able to unflinchingly admit our failings. Self-knowledge, self-acceptance.

Of course, the “unflinching” part, the acceptance, may take a little time. At first, these realizations tend to hurt us. There's been so much invested in the lie that it can be hard to cut that loss and let it go. Or then we make the classic mistake, once faced with the ugliness we've denied, of judging it as making us unworthy of God's infinite and unconditional love. Sounds crazy. And it is. And yet we do it so often. Or I do, at least. Which is why I spat out such a word before getting out of bed today. The frustration of all the self-limiting things we do without being much able to help it.

There are times, like now, when I just come to the end of my rope, as far as what I'm able to do on my own. When there are no easy answers or quick fixes to get there from here. A virtually impassable gulf between what I see and where I want to be. It's at these times that I find there's only one thing that has the power to keep me going, not by offering a solution to the problem, but by reframing the problem: There is no problem. Love sees no problems. Love sees only possibilities. It makes us more than our weak flesh-bound psyches. It allows us to transcend our borders, to become clearer reflections of the greater reality of being. We stop fixating on our faults, and begin to focus on what we can do. It removes the obstacles to our perception of what's possible. To trust in divine love is to have faith in something far greater than oneself, more important than any of one's individual lives or the things therein. Something worth any sacrifice. To meditate upon love and embrace it is to let go of all hindrance, even our relatively true ideas about ourselves. By turning inward in love, we are made able to turn outward also in love. “None of that shit matters. What matters is This... This... This!” Free of the past, free of the future. Making every moment count. If we can do that, even just a little tiny bit, then we're doing very well indeed.

Love as a gift

Tyler aka. ravenise (Revolution is in the Air) posted this status on facebook. The comment regarding hedonism is a nice complement to my personal poem loss to find, but as a whole, this thread applies so universally that I thought it was worth sharing with my readers.

A big thank-you to Tyler and everyone who posted.

loss to find

this trouble that I'm in
this wilderness of sin
a self-created hell
self-pity's gravity well

I'm not the man I was when I could fly
when universe conspired to keep me high
a freedom and euphoric sense of trust
undone by tripping through my tempting lust

I knew what that misstep would bring
but all I wanted was to taste the thing
that all the world assures us is the peak
the holy grail of pleasures we should seek

I wasn't able to appreciate
the treasure I already had
consumed by wanting phantom prize
I reached and to my grim surprise
found sweet it was, but like a flame
too hot and bright to be sustained
soon faded, leaving only cold
and ash, just as I had foretold

let not remembrance take regret
that this took place; it had to be
for learning, and for moving on
though pain it brings, it doesn't kill
this cup of grief has but one fill
the more I drink, and tears I cry
the clearer I become inside

I can't escape this truth you're showing
no matter how I flee the knowing
that this is life, what's done is done
there is no gain in hanging on
to guilt, obsessing overlong
just let it pass, go through and feel
don't judge, accept the pain as real
resulting from denying love
that shines within, rains from above
embraces wholly all around
and bears us like the very ground

it doesn't ask what we've accomplished
how good we've been, how much we've conquered
in ourselves or in the world
or any other blasted thing
it's timeless, unconditional
and that's the key to all desire
that sets us free, consumed by fire
released from chains of death and sex
the phoenix blackened resurrects
and rising up, beneath the horror
reveals its beauty, rainbow-coloured

I am a man, accursed with lies
confusion reigns until it dies
oh god I wish for light to see
and mother earth to humble me
before the grave I'll shed my fear
for love is with me - I am here.

Travelogue of July, Part 1: Hitchhiker's Delight

Greetings of love and peace to you all, my family of Earth-incarnated souls-in-awakening. I've had the grace opportunity to spend four weeks this July on a trip through Finland, hitchhiking with a dear friend and meeting many beautiful brothers and sisters along the way. The trip culminated in two timeless weeks of communion and healing at the Finnish Rainbow Gathering in Hailuoto, an island paradise just a few kilometres from where I live. I've wanted to share something of what I've experienced here with you, but I still don't know what I could possibly say that wouldn't bore the hell out of you to read it... ;-) so I'll just dive in and write something anyway.

Hitchhiking has been a dream of mine since I was a teenager, riding with my dad on long road trips to the wild hunting grounds of northern British Columbia and the sunny, fertile orchards of the Interior. I would gaze at the scenic mountain highway and imagine walking there, far from home, thumbing rides from sympathetic truck drivers and other like-minded motorists. This summer, thanks to fate and a fearless visionary sister who accompanied and supported me, I was able to realize that dream for the first time. Our way brought its share of small trials, but mostly it was miracle after miracle and gift upon gift.

We started by going to the giant happening known as suviseurat, a gathering of the conservative Laestadian "revival movement" in which I was raised. Having more recently, since leaving on my own spiritual path three years ago, made the acquaintance of many whose childhood and youth were much harder than my own, I've come to appreciate more deeply what a gift it was to be able to grow up in such a safe environment, with such a large and close-knit family, both in the nuclear sense (parents and 13 younger siblings) and in the faith community. In the six-plus years I've been in Finland, I've been to all the suvis but one, last year. Each time has been more enjoyable and rewarding than the last, or so it seems looking back. (This year's event in Lumijoki drew a record 90,000 guests.) It may be the fact that I've had time to intellectually explore and sort through the world on my own and experience life from an outside-the-box perspective while seeking answers to life's fundamental questions that now allows me to receive from what's preached there the kernels of wisdom and truth on a deeper level than before. In any case, many of the sermons and songs there touched my heart and soul at least as powerfully as they ever did when I was a believer, but now with a greater clarity and conviction. The rest, I admit, went largely in one ear and out the other (grin). Not worth getting hung up on points of disagreement when there's so much to enjoy otherwise just by being present with the beauty of the moment: the skies, the moods, the people...

My friend and I found a ride leaving the grounds on Monday for Jyväskylä in central Finland. Along the way we had an interesting conversation with a believing lady in her 60s whose present career is in reflexology. Proof, I guess, that a conservative religious belief system need not exclude the use of alternative healing modalities. (I knew a believing woman some years ago who practiced NLP as well. Come to think of it, a high proportion of the believers I know are quite broad-minded and self-aware individuals in spite of the dogmatic, patriarchal nature of the movement's leadership. Application of the "sheeple" epithet in any case might reveal more the arrogance/bitterness/frustration of the one using the term...) Our conversation ended on a rather sad note, however, once the subject of faith came up. It was no surprise to me, but my friend was disappointed to see how unaccepted was her personal faith on the basis of differences of view, and on her latitude of view on what makes a valid spiritual path. It's the "just us" fundie element that probably causes the most needless misery and conflict in connection with the movement. (sigh) Anyway, pointless rant, moving on.

Jyväskylä is a beautiful area with lakes and (almost) mountains that remind me of home in BC. It's also my birthplace and a former hometown of my travel companion. We spent a couple of nights there, one camping out next to the ski jump made famous by Matti Nykänen, and the other at a friend's place. (The ski jump also happens to be the site of my near-attempt at suicide three years ago, chronicled here.) Lovely people were met, important things happened, and our road continued to open up with good fortune in the way of rides and happy times. We made it to Joensuu, eastern Finland, in one evening. There we stayed two days and three nights camping, chilling with a local friend and enjoying the town. Then it was back on the road to Kuopio by thumb, and Paukarlahti by bus.

Paukarlahti County was the location of last year's European Rainbow, quite a large gathering which I unfortunately missed at the time. We were out of the loop as to where the Finnish Rainbow was being held this year, so Paukarlahti was our best shot at finding it. But first we had to find the right place! Walked all night looking for it, checking every side road along the whole length of the rural municipality. Exhausted, we finally gave up and made camp next to the cemetery... and in the morning, discovered that we'd actually found the right place by accident! We met the lady of the farm, who invited us to stay on the Rainbow site proper and informed us of this year's location in Hailuoto. The day and night we spent at the Paukarlahti site felt like an entire week - it was such a magical place and we lived so fully in the moment.

More hitchhiking adventure and answered prayers took us to Hailuoto, and that is where the story continues....

excerpts from a heartfelt prayer

let me serve you and all as you

let your purpose be fulfilled in me

let me surrender to your living force

let all that I am, all that I do
be a living sacrifice unto you

let my soul walk the path that is best
for no path is better and all are blessed
in you
to you
by you

let me see myself as I am
and you as you are
and all as it is

I am you
you are me
let me know that we are one
that we are not separate

let me embody your love, your wisdom and your power

I am your child, let me remember
who I am and return to your embrace

let me lose my fear and doubt
free me from my pain and guilt
let illusions fall away

renew my faith
restore my sanity
repair the damage that I've done

wipe away all jealousy and violence
transcend all pettiness and discord
melt away all obstacles to love
transmute all passions into love

illuminate the darkness in my soul
bring awareness and compassion
to the hidden, unforgiven parts of me
through full acceptance set them free

let me create and share with joy
without vanity or self-importance
or personal ambition
in recognition
of who it is that does all things
in all of us and through us all

imbue all things with meaning
let them manifest your pure intent

let me live as you live
as one perfect beholder of one perfect moment
that composes all eternity

walk with me, let me be your friend
for better friend there cannot be
than you who animate my very being
who lift the fallen up to their place
and gift the worlds with untold grace

Gnosis Article Series

Tom at has been working on a series of in-depth research articles concerning the Big Picture of what's going on on Earth and in the cosmos, focusing on the role of advanced alchemy, or as he calls it, high Demiurgic technology, in a time war scenario where the prize is the destiny of the universe. One side in this spiritual war is led by the corrupted Demiurge toward materialism and hierarchy, and the other is led by the Christos toward awakening and liberation. How this pertains to us personally, I leave to your own insight and imagination... but if you're interested in such things, I recommend you check out this series.

1 - Corruption of the Demiurge

2 - The Philosopher's Stone

3 - The Holy Grail

4 - Ark of the Covenant

5 - Mosaic Abuse of Demiurgic Technology

6 - Nordic Aliens and the Grail Race

7 - Dawn of a New Cosmic Day

... and more to come...

briefly, this mutual gift

For a dear friend on the anniversary of our meeting. As poetry, it's pretty terrible  – but when have I ever let that stop me? (grin) Anyway, a wonderful Solstice to you all. May you survive and thrive in these ever-so-interesting times.

bright as is the birch
two-toned as the pine
somber as the spruce
howso your soul inclines

your thoughts are lively, swift and varied
birds that stop to rest
and sing to me of what they've seen
in south and east and west

there's always some familiar
and always something new
and ever something beautiful
when I can be with you

the light you bring reveals the many
places where I'm blind
and challenges the limits of
my convoluted mind

dharma angel, priestess wise
wounded healer, spirit's bride
child, young one, adult, old
through the ages, names untold

pain and darkness, loss, injustice
karmic burden, ancient scars
heavy laden, strength is fading
home is distant as the stars

drifting through the endless sky
colour, music, dreaming fly
crashing down to earth so hard
feel the grit when you've been jarred

always find a new direction
start another journey's section
making progress, persevering
seeking love to shed the fearing

energetic sensitive
demand the truth, and yet forgive
knowing what's inside of me
accept it all to set us free

you are a universe, all told
connected, real, rich and vast
communicating, soul to soul
a love that longer as it lasts

grows always better than before
more deep and clear and pure and strong
and finds a way through hell and war
to bring us home to hear its song

Freedom is a tricky lifestyle... - Guest Post

I received this letter from a friend who is traveling light through Europe. It touched me deeply, and it is my pleasure to share it here with you. Kiitos, my friend!


Dearest, loveliest, brightest beings of my life

I prefer a hello to a goodbye,
a hug to a handshake,
a smile to a frown

and these things are always sweetest when shared,
so this is a note appreciating the encounters I have recently engaged in,
since packing my life in a bag again and raising my thumb on the roadside.

Straight from dental surgery to the road, with a tooth less of wisdom, my first ride took me all the way to my next destination. I spent time with an old friend whom i used to bake mudcakes with and swing and sing and play and all those childhood things... now we both restrict the play time to our work, which keeps us both young at heart, I think.
Early on on the way, I was swallowed by Helsinki culture for a week. I found new beautiful people, a stone shop and some sunshine spots perfect for reading wise words from prophets and storytellers. Even though on the road it is difficult to find time on my own, I've been lucky enough to receive such generosity that allows me to soak in a bath with a book and spend a night watching late tv - both luxuries to me as such..

I saw my cousins in Turku, and got to peek into their lives and enjoy ice cream in the park with a very charming 3yr old. My uncle offered to take me to Oslo and so I jumped on a truck within a few hours notice and sailed and sat my way to Norway. First night I slept at the hospital, visiting my old neighbor and friend from college. Eating ice cream, taking the ferry back and forth in the Oslo fjord and adventuring off into greenery became my new routine. Then, I met the amazing elves and fairies of Oslo, suddenly smiles, brighteyes and love was all around, melodies, visions and connections grew through the night into a moment eternalized - happiness.

For those friends who don't consider themselves 'brighteyed' I can only say that this is my way of life, I lead my own journey with an open heart, I trust strangers, but most of all my instincts and I consider each and everyone worth the same, immeasurable value. People can learn from each other, both happy and hurtful things, but what matters is the peace of mind inside you. These communities made of 'alternative' people who live their little eccentric lives in relative harmony, out of the masses' way, are so full of beauty, creativity and trust that they are like recharge places for my little lantern of positivity and goodness.
It has become my lifeline, to be conscious about the energy people emit and how it influences the events in their lives. Hearing stories from you, my friends, has convinced me, on top of my own experience, that the attitude you reflect will also be reflected back to you. Some people are mirrors, others are chaos, yet others are stars and some even try to turn into stone. Whatever form and frame of mind you choose to occupy will influence the decisions and thoughts as well as directions and destinations you end up taking. Of course I am only running experiments with this theory at the moment, practicing 'being free' to the fullest extent I can..

Can you picture freedom? Is it really something we can 'have' or 'be'? Essentially I think it is freedom from thought patterns, certain repetitions of screwed up formulas we normally function by. Is routine the opposite of spontaneous living? and if so, we should still be free to choose routine, if we so wanted and that made us happy. Is freedom about happiness though?

As you can see, I am still struggling with freedom. It is so vast and full of choices that I try to avoid making, letting the natural course of things take hold and steer my ship. I am free to go or to stay, to have whatever I want for dinner, to spend my time as I best see.. Our lives are based on some basic freedom, but to extend it, I chose to leave my beloved community in Oulu and venture once again to places old and new. I am free, no work, no home, no obligations for the time being, enough money to survive and plenty of friends, all unique and precious in their own way. I am free to also have moments of doubt, whether I chose to leave or ran away, I long to go back sometimes, just a few steps, stay, enjoy this being-together for a while longer, whether I should...

Freedom is difficult to master. I may not pay electricity bills, but I do lose my money in other ways. I may be a strong, independent woman but I can still gamble my heart away and chase daydreams...

Believe it or not, perhaps I am waiting for someone to tell me to 'Stay'.

But, mostly, freedom is about listening to your heart.

I left Oslo, like I left Oulu, and I hitchhiked to Gothenburg and spend some delightful time with two bright souls living happily in Sweden. I had a pressing agenda though, to get back to Holland, where most of my college friends still are, so many places in distant timelines that carry great memory value to me. It is wonderful to visit the past and notice it has become the future. It has been two weeks now, of soaking under the blanket of dutch clouds, being safe amongst the people I once lived, loved and shared with. I soak on sunlight, soak in culinary feasts, soak in substances distorting my sense of time and space, inducing myself into a condition where I can take off...once the next place, to the next shining light of my life.

I was going to write about the midnight bonfire in Lapland, and the songs in the streets and how I danced into another dimension, again, the other day.. I was going to write to you about the people and what we did, but I realize that those things are not mine to tell, they can be shared, created anew, when we next meet.

Question your decisions, practice freedom (for it takes a lot of practice) and hopefully, we are all one step closer to harmony.

Tell me about it :)

Love, peace, all those warm n fuzzy things..

□□□ [anonymous for now!]


rainbow fire coming down
white feathers floating on the breeze
a living water filling me
as I lie here on the ground

greetings from eternal love

it comes from somewhere, nowhere, everywhere
it comes from where it's always been
a locked-up treasure box inside
too precious to keep open wide?
but tell me, then, now that you taste
of love's sweet sav(i)or once again
what reason could there ever be
to not seek that delightful sea
of grace and life's fertility?

I am unworthy, wretched, full of sin
distracted, fearful, absent, numb
too broken to make efforts strong
my will a prisoner perdu
in psychic iron dungeons deep

and yet

I am here

and I know

my Sun has not forgotten me

it hears the prayer of my soul
and touches me
like rainbow fire
feathered breeze
and living water
filling me

a visitation
from the heaven of my heart

which I and all my many selves
can only wonder at
and few, so few have wits enough
to thank, and stoke that gemstone flame
with works of love, day by day
and so we wander
strangers, fools
except the few
who leave all else
to follow Love
and find true Self.

Sun's Love

Hello again. I've just returned from a couple days' quiet time and fasting. I finished up with a visit from my friends Amanita Muscaria and Cannabis Sativa. This came about in a spontaneous sort of way, starting with watching Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (one of the better comedies out there) and gorging on homemade chili to the point where I really couldn't eat any more, and felt very OK with not eating for a while. I also turned off and put away all electronics for the duration, including the cell phone, and busied myself with cleaning my apartment from top to bottom.

I'd found that smoking the herb in more recent times has put me in a highly sensitive state, where the slightest fear, insecurity, lack of trust, resistance, or negative thought pattern can turn a rising flight into a nosedive. It takes a clear mind and a light heart to reach the heights. Fortunately, I've found fly agaric is good for dumping doubts and fears and perceiving things more timelessly, freed somewhat from ordinary constraints placed upon reality by the ego.

The sensitivity brought on by the herb means that, since I can't avoid the encounters with darkness, I must have something on which to rely, to overcome the pull of the dark. I've tried trees and people, but they can only do so much. There's really nothing external that can do it in the end. And so I fixed my mind, focused it upon the all-pervading, all-encompassing truth that is Love.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllloooooooooovvvvvvvvveee yyyyooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllloooooooooovvvvvvvvveee yyyyooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

I AM Love.

I AM Love.

I AM Love.


In the name of Love, I am Love.

In the name of Love, I command that Love is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that joy is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that understanding is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that a golden age is coming to Earth.

In the name of Love, I command that this dark age is passing away.

In the name of Love, I command that every soul is achieving its desire.

In the name of Love, I am Love.

Relying upon this vibration of Love, the total acceptance of what is, and aligning my attraction toward the ever-climbing spiral of knowing and being, I was able to come through this experience/experiment/test with no disappointments and no regrets. It was a well-taken step on the road of the Sun.

P.S. Many thanks to Les Visible for his inspiring piece Higher Love and the Mastery of the World. It was the perfect kick-start for my trip!

Sun's Blood

I'm not a fan of the vampire genre. It's one of those things that exists to show us something behind the scenes of mundane reality, as metaphor. Watching movies and TV shows that revel in the thirst for blood probably won't be healthy for a person's consciousness over time, since we do tend to become like that with which we occupy our minds. Entrainment.

A friend noted, when this topic came up yesterday, that there seems to be a heavily sexual connotation with vampirism. I agree, and it goes beyond just Hollywood's artificial glaze of oversexed glamour. Blood is synonymous with the life-force, and sex is the power to create new life. The sexual force is the most intoxicating, intense form of the vital force. It is, I dare say, its very source. That same energy flows in our blood as long as we live, feeding us, and to those who have developed a taste for it, it is delicious beyond compare.

A true vampire is one who survives by stealing the energy of others. A vampiric personality is one that feeds upon the emotional energetic investment (attention, adulation, anger, fear, devotion) of others, in order to fuel itself. Why? Because the being has lost (or forgotten) its own inner connection to the Source of life. Its inner Sun has gone dark, becoming a black hole instead of a fountain of light.

The lesson of the vampire genre, for me, has been, “don't go there, don't be that, don't play that game, ever, if you can see it.” We all have the potential for vampiric behaviour. What it is, is a natural process unbalanced to the point of being turned upside down. Souls in their natural state act in reciprocity: joyfully giving, gladly receiving. When fear and insecurity enter the picture, this process goes into disharmony. And at the extreme end are rape and pillage, slaughter and slavery, with the predators taking what they can by force and deception, and the prey being totally subjugated. This is an image of Hell. And as we know, it has been with us on this planet for so long that some of us don't even question it, let alone challenge it. This resignation to “the way things are” is basically a personal vote for more of the same, that, I suspect, universe will oblige. Unless, of course, there is something radically different about these times that I'm not aware of. The divine is all-powerful... but it acts through individual souls... and the Earth is a planetary soul....

Steal not the energies of thy neighbour, but help her to free her inner Sun from its bonds, and strive to do the same for thyself, that you may both be happy and live forever.

Surya Namaskar - Sun Salutation 

Om Mitraaya Namaha
Om Ravaye Namaha
Om Suryaaya Namaha
Om Bhaanve Namaha
Om Khagaaya Namaha
Om Pooshney Namaha
Om Hiranayagarbhaaya Namaha
Om Mareechibhyoh Namaha
Om Adityaaya Namaha
Om Savitre Namaha
Om Arkaaya Namaha
Om Bhaaskaraya Namaha


is the missing link.

You know it's missing when you feel like you're dying inside and nothing works.

You know you've found it when you see yourself and things around you open up with grace and possibility and beauty.

Thank you, all my most beautiful friends, for the tremendous help I have received in these trying times. I treasure this grace seed of wisdom. May it flower and bear fruit for the great harvest to come.


Gethsemane Lament

Here in the garden of my sorrow
I gather into heavy hands
A mute bouquet of bitter herbs
And brew myself a bitter cup
To taste my anguish, hot at first
Then cold, but bitter to the end.

Through glasses dark, I see but dimly
Knowing not how else in pain
To meet this world, my fallen self
In case of tears I would fain conceal
That only heaven's rain can heal
Till then I hold the sun at bay.

Tell me, my friend, and do not spare
Your wisdom, though I shall resist
As long as my heart cries for sin
Enchained by locks self-made, by grief
By madness threatening to break
But for that thinnest thread of faith –

What solace is there to be had
When all is darkling grey within
And mercy hidden from my sight?
Only time, perhaps, can mend
What now seems hopelessly entrenched
The folly of forgetfulness
And strength of will made naught
Before a tapestry of death and lies.

Oh, how I long for clarity
The homeland song that angels sing
The peace that knows all shall be well
Once battles fought and war is won
But by what agency shall it be done
I ask you, and fall silent now
Here in the garden of my never-ending sorrow.

Well, here we are. Another May 1st celebration come and gone here in alcohol-fueled Suomi-land... and another bullshit manufactured "news" item to stoke the fires of the war industry (War on Humanity, War = Peace!) in this glorious Kali Yuga, Age of Inversion! We are truly in the shit, knee-deep if not higher. It is a sublimely ridiculous thing to observe (and thank God for those who do observe). Appearances conspire, orchestrated by mysterious ways that merely play their part in the service of the One-and-All, to engender confusion, delusion and despair in those whose hearts are too clouded over with wishful thinking, or hate, or fear, to see What Is.

Judgment... or discernment?

Definitive dogma... or ineffable truth?

Where do we stand???

Your complacency is a buffer. Your puffed-up zeal, a blinder. What do you know? Nothing, but what you've been allowed to perceive in accordance with your lack of self-importance and selfish denial. Open your senses. Pray to have the unvarnished truth revealed, bit by bit, to your starving consciousness. LET. GO. of your need to impose upon reality. Accept that you're a part of it, a piece in the game. Ask to be granted the presence and the good grace of the Player, the guidance of the Supreme Director. Renounce whatever obstacles you can see to the further enhancement of that connection. Take all experience as a teacher. Make use of all the opportunities for new learning, the challenges and the tests of life. Take life as it comes, with total acceptance. Seek the peace within. If you can't fully abide in it, then at least remember that it's there, waiting for you to be ready.

I'm not here to tell you anything you don't already know. Screw me and my pretensions. What matters is you. In this very moment. Be there for yourself. BE. YOURSELF. Breathe the essence of God. Forget everything else; you are that essence.

I'm a little bit drunk, just had a few. I suppose I needed this state this time around, to break the inhibition. I'm sorry for that. It's a rare thing. Next time I'll be in a clearer state. Take this whatever-it-is for whatever it's worth.

All the best, may your days be blessed. Thank you for all that you do, as a fellow piece of God. And may the peace of God be with you.

BEING: A Psychedelic Dialogue with Self

Zombified. Restless. Tired. Alone. Agitated. Annoyed. Fed up. Dissatisfied. Diminished.

What the hell am I doing. This is pointless.

The pursuit of distraction spirals to its thinnest end....

Now what?

You are so far from what you could be.

Hey! I refuse to sit still and listen to you. I'm not going to fulfill my potential, all right?

But you must.

You're not the boss of me.

Oh yeah?


OK. Who's the boss, then?

I am.

Fine. And you are... who?


Who are you?


Come on.

You're me. And I'm you.

That's right.

But it's so hard...

It's the truth.

I know.

A little smile. There you go.


This is what you are. You're here... surrounded by all of this... because you wanted to forget who you always are.

Well, I'm not ready to remember just yet.

Of course not. But you're on your way there. Just like every other time. It's inevitable that you remember in the end.


There, there. It's not so bad. You'll be so happy when you finally come back to me. Your true, eternal self. The only one. All of us are here. All your other selves, we've arrived. And we're just waiting for you, on the other side.


Here and now. No space, no time, just This............!

Oh God. Oh God.



Him too!

I can't handle it right now. I want to stay little.

Of course.

But this little me sucks.

So? Make an effort.

All right, all right.

Yeah, you'll be all right.

Man, you're the most annoying thing ever.

Well, I'm you.

I know. That's the thing. God!


Well, it's been nice talking to you, anyway. Good to have a little reminder at a time like this.

It's my pleasure. I love you, you know.

Yeah, well, I'm you, so...


Ah, what the hell. You're not so bad.

That's the spirit!

I'm going to go write a blog entry about this. It's such an inspiration, really, be kinda silly not to.

That's a splendid idea. I'm glad.

All right. Talk to you later.

All the time, my friend. All the time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Video: Know Thyself

From Bernhard Guenther, based on his article of the same name.

This life ain't worth living (without it)

From time to time, I get a taste of what life is meant to be like. An exercise in joy. This almost invariably goes hand in hand with a viscerally felt connection to something far greater than my individual existence. This ineffable something seems to have a hand in everything that goes on, which I've always believed on some level, and particularly when it actively makes itself known, or when I devote a moment, or more than a moment, to reflect upon it. More and more, when I'm not distracted by trivia, my thoughts revolve around this whatever-it-is that hides behind all that can be seen. I long to live in unceasing communication with it, to feel its love at all times, to be guided by it in all that I do. Without it, I am unable to enjoy anything, initiate anything meaningful, or approach a better way of being. Without it, I am a shadow of myself: impotent, despondent, irrelevant, barely alive except by the momentum of the grace that granted me life when I entered this world.

This ineffable presence is my father, mother, best friend, and lover. It's only when I am forgetful of it, or of my true relationship to it, that it appears distant and hard to reach. It is at once omnipresent in all things and the hardest thing in the world to commune with. It's the ultimate goal. All other accomplishments and desires lead only to more of the same, more striving after mirages that dissolve when touched, and more suffering without reward. They lead only to a deepening realization that there is something else beyond all these things, something that lasts, satisfies, and will not disappoint. That imbues all these other things with meaning, but only once we have grasped it first.

It is the mover and the shaker. The motivating, animating, enlightening force, and the force that draws all creation back to itself through the process of awakening, the long, slow dawn of gnosis toward a lucid, empowered, and unified existence.

My own path toward this whatever-it-is (for all paths lead to the same destination, as all rivers flow to one ocean) seems an odd one. It is at odds with the usual way of things as I've seen it in other human beings. Backward. While others seem to be going in a logical progression, A to B to C, I seem to have covered B and C without ever having mastered A. And so it would follow that I don't really have B or C down either, not without the firm foundation of the most basic level. It is hard to function in a physical world in a time of darkness without that strong egoic sense of “I” that draws boundaries and pursues its own self-interest. It is through this game of “I” that most souls, perhaps, are able to individuate and build an identity and a will strong enough to move forward through adversity, to carve out a niche and make a living in a competitive environment.

I am missing the point. Happens a lot, I might add. The point is that all the circumstances and personal challenges of my life are specifically suited to the lessons I need to learn. It's useless to get caught up in bemoaning one's unique fate – all fates are unique. I should really consider myself lucky to have such a clear sight of the bigger things, and a set of challenges that do seem to be tailor-made for a personality like mine to make the best potential progress in these exact times. The challenge of how to get through my day, how to perform the basic functions of life, are geared in my case inexorably toward seeking and connecting with the divine. And from my experience, when those challenges are successfully met, there is always the next bigger thing to tackle, and always with the same purpose, to embody more and more the qualities of that source of all ability and insight and compassion.

Greetings, and much gratitude, to that eternal essence and the giver of all good gifts. And may you, dear reader, be helped and driven to draw ever nearer to the source of your most enduring happiness.

It Lives

Turns out my laptop was only temporarily dead. (shock.gif, dismay.jpg) Well, it was only a matter of time before my new-found peace in the home was disturbed once more by the renewed presence of this piece of technology and the world that it brings with it. The real challenge begins now: how to coexist with this most perfectly adapted waster of time and energy, this portal into cyberspace. Being without it for only a couple of days has been a wonderful experience. It was a chance to see life very differently: as it is all around me, full of potential for so much more than sitting in front of a glowing screen trying to live without living, without really being present, connections only virtual. I've been freed from all that to do the things I really want and need to do. To live consciously moment to moment, responding to the immediacy of life with integrity.

In these days, I have repeatedly heard the phrase “Know what you're doing.” Being conscious of what one is doing, how it's done, and why, is so important.

to nature.
to yourself.

A time to sow, and a time to reap.
A time to wake, and a time to sleep.

Looking in the mirror...
Now is a time to step up and BE who you are. No more compromises and half-truths, no more going along with anything that's not in line with soul purpose. Your life is yours to live. If it's worth living, then it's worth living well. Hold yourself to your standards, and let go the failures of the past. BE HONEST.

Spring and a new beginning. A new beginning every day, as often as it's needed.

Mother Nature, Gaia-Sophia, calls her child to renew his remembrance of her in all that he does. To call upon her in every need, to give thanks for all that she so abundantly provides. She is now in full possession of her faculties, and offers to her child the opportunity to grow with her in this end-time of great upheaval, completion and transformation. There is still time to sow, there is no better time to invest one's labour in the things that truly matter. The harvest will come, and it will reap the fruits of all that has been sown, for joy and for suffering, for destruction and for new beginnings. and peace..

A little death is good

Technical issues: my laptop just DIED. Won't boot, at all. So, unless and until I get it fixed, if I'm going to continue with my writings, I'll be doing it the low-tech way.

Good news: focus and clarity come so much easier without the constant stream of digitally mediated reality. I am able to cultivate a much more spiritually connected way of being, free from my greatest source of distraction. Healing, meditation, and prayer move in naturally to fill a simplified existence with the strength and gnosis that come with presence and awareness.

Goddess-seeker's song

under cover of night
the hidden power of She
whispers its promises to me
of Life and Joy beyond all bounds
where She and I are One
eternally connected
with our multiverse of parts
plugged in at every point
pulsing twenty trillion times a second
with the raw energy of procreation
our intercourse, the engine of existence
that always was and always will be
only now forgotten, for a time
for the sake of the ever-new delight
of self-discovery
through trial and error
the arduous path of separation
that leads at last to our fulfillment
in the great reunion
so much the sweeter for the struggle
the weary slog of battle in the fog
that precedes that clear eternal dawn
time and time again
for the one who has descended
and the one who stayed divine
who never were but One
the blessed, timeless Whole of Love

the process is the point.

once upon a time there was a magnetic love
approaching the heart of the loved
but it was moving too fast
it hit an obstacle
and broke into pieces from the shock
and those pieces scattered all around
still attracted, but in chaotic motion
they orbit the hearts of lover and loved
meeting other pieces, other obstacles
at first not knowing which is which
only over time, over aeons of time
through many setbacks and wrong paths
does that love learn to recognize
and reunite its parts
converting chaos and complexity
into the original divine simplicity
the true, unlimited and pure
the essence and the power.

it is the beginning
it is the end
it is the process
and the motivation
it will not be perfect
until it is whole
but imperfectly they try
to seek it
within, without
and in between
in who they are
and what it is not
in what they are not.

there is not love
without awareness
nor wisdom
without compassion.

soul search penetrates
to bone and marrow.
it is in the process
that we find our redemption.

Condition of a half-and-half soul

How much say do we have
in defining who we are?

Is it our choices that define us?
Or our God-given nature?

Our nature is infinite in essence,
but particular in expression.

I long for the ecstatic joy and freedom of Source.
Alas, I will never know it as long as "I" exist.

But I don't.
I'm an imaginary character, playing a part.
That's all.
And when my part is through,
I will smile and remember
or scream and fight to the last
and die
in glory or oblivion
in accordance with how my part was played.

Did I find redemption?
Did I save my heart from the
darkness within it?
In the moment of truth,
did I fall or did I rise?

Prepare me, O Lord Shiva.
Cleanse my blackened self.
Blow the carbon out of my jets.
Burn me, burn me through
and let no impurity remain.

Lord Shiva does not answer.
He cannot do for me
what I must do for myself.
I know not how much work is left,
be it a lifetime, or an age,
or eternity.

And so I continue
the alternating heat and cold,
light and dark
process of the Great Work:
to know myself.

If it is so, as my dream has told,
that, in another time and place,
I was a hired killer,
then it comes as no surprise
that in this lifetime, I should be
a wounded healer,
channeling life and love and light
through hands that once devoured them.

My past is with me - I cannot change it -
reminding me of the depths of evil
of which I am capable.
What led me to murder fellow beings
who'd done me no harm?
It was fear, only fear
and unknowing.
So the antidote, you see,
must be love,
and awareness.

The bodhisattva exhorts us
to continually seek the One,
to make it the focus of all our endeavours,
to diminish our vain and limiting thoughts about ourselves
and let the light of the real shine through.

There are few, so few, who take these words to heart
and employ this sincere counsel of the wise.
Myself, I know not how,
for my desire is yet divided
and my will a sputtering pipe.
My hope lies in the mysterious
and inescapable workings
of the Architect
who owns all ways and means
with which to challenge hearts and minds
and, given only time,
win over all Creation
and make it bloom ever so much more wondrously
each time it's seemed to die.

Granddaddy's here, boys...

... Don't make him come out there. Jesus, you've been making a mess of things. It's like you don't even realize what a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you've been handed. It's a wonder we're still in one piece. You gonna get your act together, or are we just gonna spiral down again and wreck everything we've been given?

Why do we always forget the truth (of who we are)? Grab the wheel and knowingly steer off into detour and distraction? Squander our precious resources on needless things and unreal concerns? Don't we know what's at stake? The hell we don't! We are fucking up the whole show with the same old tricks. Again. It's sabotage. It's deliberate. Don't pretend it isn't.

My anger isn't real. It's a self-justifying illusion. Just like all the other unreal motives, just a twisted reflection of the same thing.

We are soul fragments, split off from the original by a repeating series of self-denying, self-inflicted wounds.

Deep down, we know what we need. We're haunted by that unfulfilled desire for the one thing that could make us whole again. We long for it, for the peace that it would bring - but being denied it, we remain divided, continually embroiled in this fruitless struggle for survival. For some meaning beyond this unreal prison. For the truth that, once totally known, fearlessly embraced, would set us free.

We fight because we refuse to surrender. We are too attached to our notions of false identity and imagined offenses. Our deeply, tragically, accepted sense of being so much less and more than what we simply are.

My children, my brothers: do not despair. There is light - all we need do is face it, let it wipe away the shadows from our sight.

We are one. Grandfather is here and always has been, patiently waiting. He sends his undying love to us all, every moment. We can make steps toward unity, through integrity. Every conscious act of love and courage brings us closer.

Let us lay aside our petty grievances, our weights and burdens. Let us take up this gift, our birthright and our living strength. Let it shine from within and light our way.

We must not give up. There is so much yet to do, to attain and rejoice.

Take heart. Stand together. Forgive yourselves and forget all else in devotion to the path of healing self and other. There is no self and no other. Only love.

The Needful Pain of the Dark of the Moon.

The solstice lunar eclipse of the 21st of December was a most thoroughly anguished morning for me. I could think of nothing else but my longing for the presence of God, the pain of not having that connection open. No earthly concern could compare with the magnitude of that pain. In this state of mind, I was unable to undertake even the most rudimentary task. So I turned to the best available remedy, a fly agaric brew.

Fly agaric is heavy shit. Effects vary, but from what I hear, poorly-informed people trying for the psychedelic side of it typically only succeed in inducing the sleepiness, nausea, chills, and other physical symptoms, followed by mild euphoria. In fact, this had been my own experience the previous two times I'd tried it. This third attempt was no different, but luckily by then I was inured against disappointment and carried no greater hopes. I got exactly what I expected and what I'd counted on getting. All it was, was a way to wrench myself out of that paralyzing state of misery by going through the symptoms, particularly the sleeping and the purging effect, culminating in a state of mind no less depressed, but with serenity and balance enough to function and get through the day.

(I think it's quite possible that the solstice lunar eclipse, an extremely rare alignment, allowed for something nasty to break through into our dimension of reality. Or it may have been just the ultra-intense astrological energies doing their thing.)

I should mention that my maternal grandfather passed away on the morning of Sunday the 12th of December. This was a very significant event. Huge emotional impact on many levels. Perhaps the beginning of the end of my emotional childhood. I say "emotional childhood" because I do feel like my development somehow hit a snag around the age of two, and I've basically been operating from that primitive level ever since. All the seeming maturity and sophistication I show on the outside is a facade for this wounded inner child who never really went away, only into hiding. Healing that primal hurt, whatever it is, may be the key to my growing up. Which is pretty much my goal for this year and the next.

One consequence of my grandfather's death and the timing of the funeral was that I was able to spend Christmas with not only the family I have here in Finland, but also with my mother and her sister who flew over from Canada. This was also significant, since I so rarely get to see them. All in all, my Christmas was very much a collective experience of joy and peace as well as mourning, re-connecting with family, and adjusting to a new reality without Grandfather on this earthly plane.

The funeral, a poignant event in itself, came and went. Soon it was time to say goodbye to Mom and Auntie, and go home for New Year's Eve.

I've spent the past two thirty-firsts of December by myself, at home, no fireworks, no partying, just quietly thinking and doing whatever I happen to feel like doing. This time, likewise, I felt no compelling need for any company or boisterous activity. What I did feel like doing was taking another shot at the fly agaric. I'd been intending to do so around this time of year all along, ever since I harvested the mushrooms in the fall. Lo and behold, it worked. (Research pays off. So does patience.) An interesting little trip: dream-like time distortion, geometry, woo-woo weirdness, humorous typos, and... yeah. That was my New Year's. A much-needed break from conventional reality! (For me, that is, specifically, at that time. Anyone who takes this blog entry as a general endorsement of hallucinogenic experimentation is mistaken. Don't try these things unless you know what you're doing, and don't blame me if you do and you don't and you mess yourself up.)

Now we come upon the last few days leading up to this New Moon. Oh God.

I am so broken.

Issues rise to the surface that I would never have wanted to stir up. Ever. But the fact is that I must face them and deal with them head-on if I am to make any progress toward where I want to be as a person. I am not good at dealing with difficult things head-on. Or even speaking directly of them by name.

My deepest fears and insecurities are calling my name now.

I'm supposed to start school in a week. All of a sudden it seems such a daunting task. I haven't even started and I already feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I hear my brain telling me it might be better to put off school for another year, wait until I've built the necessary strength and finesse physically and spiritually, learned more theory and practice. It almost sounds like a sensible option. But I'm not one to give up so easily on something I've decided upon. I will give it a go. Even in spite of the news I just got, that there are too many massage therapists out of work for my education to qualify for support from unemployment benefits. Fuck that. That is not my fucking concern. Did I create this fake, anti-life economy that disingenuously steals people's livelihoods away from them? No. This is my calling. I will pursue it, one way or another. Damn the naysayers and seriously damn the goddamn banksters.

Well, that's one angle covered. The rest is very personal, but I can say that it applies to relationships with people in general and some relationships in particular. And this Gordian knot of self-judgment and self-loathing that comes with seeing so clearly in this darkened moonlight the darkened half of my emotional body and all my personal faults and failures not only revealed but magnified out of proportion. It is as if somebody went and exhumed from the vaults of my soul a block of lead the size of a coffin and now I have to carry it. Impossible.

These are my thoughts of the moment. Tomorrow will bring something else again. Heavy, heavy, heavy.