Limits of an Infinite Self

I haven't self-identified as a Christian for some time now, a couple of years. I've explored a variety of spiritual perspectives in that time. Now it seems I have less need to do any seeking of an outward nature. I try to focus on simply listening to what I'm being told personally by the circumstances and daily events of my life, by synchronicities and dreams. I observe silence and beauty. I dig into my thoughts, feelings and motivations, try to discern the true from the false with the sword of awareness, to understand where I've gone wrong, and attempt to forgive all my many deviations from the way of Life. Forgiveness is often the most difficult phase, but it is crucial. Without forgiveness, there is only a hell of guilt, a legion of incriminating voices crying "not good enough!"

To withhold forgiveness, from oneself or from others, is to deny the Love with which we are created, to obstruct the flow of Life that streams unending from the infinite source of all things. And when we are thus negatively disposed to that all-encompassing flow, we find that it becomes a rain of arrows, bringing anguish and pain. Instead of letting go and transforming our pain into Love, we too often simply opt to build thicker and thicker walls around our hearts. The result being that we are increasingly cut off from the Source. We descend deeper and deeper into separation, into a realm where illusion, deception, manipulation, distortion, and corruption appear to rule. Struggle replaces ease, fear and anxiety and anger replace love and trust and harmony.

Christianity holds that forgiveness is only possible because of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, a "perfect sacrificial lamb" who took the sins of the world upon his shoulders, descended into hell, and defeated Satan's power so that whoever believes and accepts his redemption work can be saved and go to heaven. This is the storybook version. I know a lot of people believe it literally, and they're welcome to it. For me, it doesn't hold water as such. As far as I do accept it, I take it as an archetypal myth that both conceals and reveals the actual spiritual truth behind it, depending upon whether we have eyes to see and ears to hear.

Jesus was a spiritual master, prepared from even before his birth for the role he was to play on this earthly stage. He went through some process of initiation into the ancient esoteric mysteries, probably in both Egypt and India. He came to a full awakening of the Christ consciousness, which is a balanced and perfect consciousness, the Ain Soph Aur, the white light of the Trinity. In this sense he most definitely was an Avatar of God.

The Bible is a tough book to read if you're looking for truth but don't know what to look for. After all, it was written and edited by all sorts of people with all sorts of motivations. And canonized, mind you, by a particular group of people with particular motivations. I mean, of course, the Council of Nicea. That's when they made the sausage. When the modern, processed, pre-packaged, adulterated, sterile version of Christianity was born. To serve the needs of the very powers-that-be from under whose oppression the real teachings of Jesus would have delivered all people, had they been taken to heart.

If you question nothing, you get only what you're given. True faith in God will withstand any revelation and any trial, because it is flexible and open to new information, and rests upon the true source of all strength and hope and insight. Of course, our faith is weak. We stumble and stray. But this is the work of God in us. Every error and failing brings us closer to learning how not to fail. We learn what makes us suffer, and what the antidote to our suffering is. The answer is to seek to perceive God in all things, even to perceive as God. Through the eyes of Love and ever higher awareness....

I was recently prompted to watch Donnie Darko. It's one of those rare films that carry so much beneath the surface, daring the viewer to cast aside assumptions, observe, and dig in to see what's really there. A shallow or distorted reading of the film might even yield a negative message, but for the pure of heart and clear of mind, it's a profound, piercing, and potent work of art.


One of the threads in the plot explores the cult phenomenon. The classic elements are all there: a charismatic leader with a cleverly-crafted message, drawing in susceptible followers with his hypnotic spiel delivered on stage and through pricey videos and books. For me, it was interesting to note how the con was built from a seed of genuine truth – the dichotomy of Love and Fear – and subsequently inflated into hollow drivel with only the appearance of truth to the easily deceived. Even when the cult leader is fully exposed as a criminal deviant, the true believer refuses to accept reality, choosing to blame the scandal on a conspiracy to take down what she sees as a demigod-like messenger of salvation, “a wonderful man.”

A hallmark of those who are in the business of selling lies is that they cannot tolerate honest criticism. They will use every method at their disposal to deflect it and defuse the sparks of doubt. Open debate is not an option for them, because they know how deadly the truth is against deception on a level playing field. They will distort and reframe anything that threatens the lie in their own terms to try to preserve the illusion. They will use veiled psychological threats to keep their followers in line. Anyone who questions their dogma is “blinded,” “deluded,” “lost,” “confused,” “an agent of the enemy,” or some other handy descriptor. When undeniable facts come out, they will go into damage control mode to keep the core of the lie intact. But probably the cult leader's greatest weapon is the process of indoctrination that renders followers simply unable to break out of their programmed thinking. The herd instinct, carefully cultivated and stimulated, does the rest.

Of course there are positive aspects to being in a cult or cult-like community, from the member's point of view. Why else would they stay? Inside, they find purpose, direction, meaning. They are constantly reassured of the rightness and goodness of their belief system, and they can rejoice in having found the true way, the cure for their afflictions. The closeness and caring of the community, the pleasure of being in a group of like-minded people, the genuine friendships that form, the shared experiences. These are all powerful, positive things in a person's life, and there is certainly nothing wrong with having or wanting them. Moreover, the doctrine or “the way” itself may have very positive, even life-saving effects.

The troubles, however, are always present in some degree. For a naturally free-thinking individual, the ideology and the group-think can be restrictive to the point of annoyance and/or suppression of the inner self. The division between the membership and the outside world can take on pathological characteristics. The disconnect between programmed thought and reality can result in a variety of psychological maladies or other unfortunate side effects (for instance due to misapplication of an incomplete or faulty conceptual framework). Worst of all, the ones in leadership who knowingly promulgate the lie are invariably guilty of some combination of fraud, exploitation, and corruption, and, more often than not, are sexual predators to boot. There's no way to sugar-coat this awful reality. They are wolves in sheep's clothing and they have no conscience whatsoever, nor any regard for the human consequences of their actions.

It will be apparent to some that these thoughts, while intended as generalities, may also be read in the context of my former religious affiliation. However, it's not my intent to maliciously attack anything or anyone. My only motives are compassion and the desire for truth. I fervently pray that those with strength of spirit and eyes to see will be there to support their brethren and keep the light of truth. If nothing else, I would exhort such a one to seek and serve only the Divine, with all the integrity, honesty, patience, and love you can muster. Your Lord has given you something absolute, perfect, and real: his own Spirit, to dwell in your innermost heart. That Spirit speaks directly to you. When you open yourself, truly listen, and hear that still, small voice, you will KNOW it. Let there be no higher authority in your life than that awesome, living presence within. Let no words of man or thoughts of ego prevail against it.

Jesus gave one commandment: love God, and love your neighbour as yourself. When you come to see the divine essence in all things, and live authentically in the Spirit of God, there is no need for commandments at all. Laws and punishments are for those darkened souls who lack or choose to ignore this inner guidance.

I had a dream today in which a simple and powerful key was revealed to me. This key was like flipping a switch inside oneself, and it led one effortlessly to inner peace and understanding and a more divine way of being. I fumbled around for that key after waking up – I remembered what it did, but I'd forgotten what it was. I do believe I later recalled it, in part, on a contemplative walk through the park. It was related to what I said in the beginning about watching Donnie Darko: the act of pure observation of what is, unburdened by one's own, pre-existing ideas. Allowing, not forcing. “This is what it is, not what I think it is or what it should be according to my beliefs.” This shift in consciousness brings about a sense of wonder, and opens one to the flow of authentic impressions that, over time, leads only toward truth – and the dawning delight of discovery.

In this life, certain things can be laughed at and other things are deadly serious. Those other things can kill you, and worse.

If you believe that, then welcome to Penitentiary Planet Earth, third rock from the Sun and home of seven billion (and soon to be a lot fewer) pitiful little creatures who once enjoyed the pleasure of being free human souls. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Of course, if you knew the truth, you would be laughing at me instead of the other way round. Because that's how it is.

There are laws and then there are laws. Lower creatures are subject to lower laws, and higher creatures are bound by a higher set of laws. You know there are people who get away with murder, right? I mean, take a look. It's almost like the more deaths you're responsible for, the more untouchable you are – provided, of course, that you're also rolling in the cashola. The material god of this world is on the side of those with the greatest amount of dough, baby. So how surprising is it that the wealthy few are now Extremely F---ing Wealthy, to the tune of billions in digital currencies and billions more in real assets, while some 95% of the world lives in perpetual debt slavery? Pretty good deal for the moneybags. When you practically own the planet, the world's your oyster. Excuse me while I puke from the sheer awesomeness of the situation. Didn't taste like oyster, though, I'll admit.

Where was I? Yes, these self-proclaimed elite world leaders. The ones who you see (or don't see, thanks to our ever-so-vigilant public eyes in the media) attending such fancy clubs as the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. But not so much them, of course, as the ones holding their (purse) strings. In any event, for the sake of convenience, let's treat them all as one big happy psychopathic family. Where a smile means anything but and loyalty comes from a deep pocket and a big, big gun. Mutually assured pathology is such a beautiful thing.

The real beauty of this arrangement is that nothing is as it appears to be. To the unawakened masses (who are a conspicuously dwindling lot these days), these lizard-tongued phonies and their little crooked cronies are indistinguishable from the fictitious roles they play for the benefit of the brainwashed-from-birth bozos who believe whatever the babbling boob box tells them. Fortunately for you and me, my friend, things are not as they might appear to us either. If you've followed any of the alternative news sites on the web, you know (or at least, I'm telling you now) what a sorry sack of pungent manure they carry. The truth, they call it. Well, I call it fertilizer for the brain. What these conveyors of information (and varying amounts of disinformation, don't forget) fail to perceive is up to you and me, the discerning readers, to fill in. Not everyone is a compulsive fact-checker or info-miner, and you don't need to be those things to break through to the essential truth. Which is... what? Well, hang on.

Let's go back to the notion of law. As you may perhaps suspect by now, the lying murderers and child-molesters at the top of the worldly pyramid are not operating under the same set of laws as you and me. On the surface of it, they make the laws and break them as they please, while we are subject to an increasingly arbitrary and bewildering system built on books full of arcane legal language and intimidation both physical and psychological. The list of dos and don'ts in our modern society is truly a wonder of intergenerational programming. They do it to us and we finish the job for them. The scientific dictatorship, as imagined by Orwell and predicted by many others, with its veneer of rational ideology, institutionalized mass murder and theft, and false promises of security and prosperity, now constitutes our everyday reality. Or so it would appear.

What it comes down to, is this: who's got the power? If you think it's them, well, I guess you're right. Better stock up on ammo and food, then, and hope everything goes your way when the shit hits the fan. But that's a choice you make. In my reality, these clowns have no power whatsoever, beyond the ephemeral power of the illusions they create in your mind. You see, they are absolutely dependent upon you not realizing that there are in fact much higher laws than the ones they use to control you, and that by raising your level of awareness, you in fact begin to operate above and beyond those cleverly imposed restrictions.

The law of those who seek to control humanity is a cruel one. The human parasites are themselves fed upon by parasites of a higher order, and anyone who takes the path of deceit and betrayal will inevitably be deceived and betrayed in turn. A system of control is an unstable thing in the natural world. It can survive only by consuming, threatening, and lying, and these activities have finite limits, which, when attained, result in the collapse of the system. By contrast, the dictum of live and let live, certainly preferable to the aforementioned law, is unlimited in practice. Love, freedom, and creativity act to expand the realm of possibility, and indeed, in so doing, will tend to expand themselves.

But let me speak of something else here that will hopefully clarify the issue on a deeper level. Not everyone will agree with my take on this, but it works very well for me.

What are we? If we are mere physical beings, then we are certainly doomed. Death follows birth, and this simple fact is one that the material mind most fears to accept. Is it fair to say that fear of death is the prime motivator of the egoic mind? We can say that this mind has evolved for the sole purpose of prolonging life and bettering the prospects of passing on one's genes for the continuation of the species. What other purpose could it have? And so the higher faculties and sensibilities of man are thus seen as adaptations for survival in an increasingly complex environment. This is the basic position of what we commonly call Science.

Religion counters this and offers release from the primal fear of death by which mankind is afflicted. It posits something invisible to the natural senses, some higher aspect to this being, and calls it the soul. The soul, it is said, cannot die. Unfortunately for us, however, little agreement is ever reached as to the specific nature of this soul, nor the way by which that soul might reach a more agreeable state than this thorny vale of tears, forever caught between heaven and hell. The best that religion can provide for this life is a moral code and a sense of meaning and direction, though its assurances be often unprovable.

Is there a way out of this conundrum? I speak for those who are less than fully satisfied with the dogmas of both Science and Religion as they are commonly presented. What are they missing? I would suggest that the answer has to do with a kind of truth that is beyond the reach of either of these modes as long as they cling to their preconceived limits. It is a truth that must be discovered personally by each one who seeks it. The true, hidden nature of ourselves – whatever that is – is the key.

Now. If that true, hidden nature is that we are the both the dreamer and the dreamed – and it's clear to me that we are – then the whole situation with these madmen who seemingly run the show here for their own pleasure and profit becomes a laugh. They are the fools! We are in charge! And I mean “we” as in the divine aspect of ourselves, naturally – the One. Hey, all we need to do is get in touch with that. Gosh, what a game-changer. Whoops! I guess all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. And that's handy, because it turns out that, besides being the main instrument of our oppression, fear was also the main sustenance of a host of unpleasant beings that populated the unseen portion of our planetary prison. By starving them, we now force them to move out. Perhaps they will feed on each other? Nom nom nom. Goodbye!

If I'm right, then what we're going to see in the run-up to the Big Crunch that's coming (and by that I mean the point at which all roads meet) is a lot of heavy drama and a lot of wild revelations coming out that these hopelessly deluded ruling-class sock puppets would have preferred to keep under wraps if they could have. Unfortunately for them, all that they do will only end up turning against them and they will make fools of themselves for all the world to see. This is because they really are actual sock puppets that think they can write the script when they don't even realize who owns the stage. The show itself is a cosmic morality play that reads like tragedy and comedy all at the same time.

Do you see the funny side? I hope you can, because I've seen it, and, well, it's nothing but a grand old hoot. It's one hell of a good time. Had me laughing so hard, it was a piece of heaven. You know what laughter is. It's the sound of a soul set free to fly.

Wishing you many laughs (and warm hugs too),
~william

“Religion is for the weak-minded,” said my best friend in high school. He said this many times. The fact that I was a Christian and he an atheist never got in the way of our friendship, and he could speak his opinions bluntly without putting a dent in it. But I could see his point, even though I knew plenty of religious people who were far from stupid, and some who I considered wise indeed.

Long before I finally left my church, I recognized the deep subjectivity of religious belief and practice. I could not, in my heart, condemn anyone for merely adhering to a different belief system, because I intuited that a person's beliefs about reality inevitably shaped their experience of it, and so their personal reality would tend to confirm their beliefs. Moreover, the idea of there being some kind of God's own special, chosen group of people on earth always rubbed me the wrong way on some deep level. I could never completely swallow the assertion so often made in my church that there was only one, specific way for man to find God and be saved, and that that single way just happened to be the one they were preaching. It didn't seem fair and it didn't seem logical – given that God was supposed to be universal and all-loving!

I've felt tempted several times to write a scathing, thorough critique of the faith and the church in which I was raised, but I've always held back. It's not that I'm afraid of offending someone, or that I don't think the criticism would be deserved. It's more a feeling of “what's the point?” There have always been much more constructive uses for my writing, I've felt. On the other hand, why not just let it out and be done with it? That's what a good rant is for, isn't it? Weeell... true, but what good does that do for the reader? To be remotely useful, such a critique would have to resemble an academic write-up more than a simple rant, and I don't think I'm up to that kind of feat today. Maybe never. If it needs to get written, it will. I try not to be dictated by my ego too much here. My most successful writing tends to be spontaneous and often ends up surprising me by the time I'm done.

What I would like to do today is to get off of my soapbox while the gettin' is good and pass on to you the words of Manly P. Hall, from his 1928 book The Secret Teachings of All Ages (public domain). The selection below talks a little bit about sex vis à vis Christian philosophy and follows up with an interesting story about Adam and a certain very old and cunning snake. Enjoy!

Exactly what is to be inferred by the division of the sexes as symbolically described in Genesis is a much-debated question. That man was primarily androgynous is quite universally conceded and it is a reasonable presumption that he will ultimately regain this bisexual state. As to the manner in which this will be accomplished two opinions are advanced. One school of thought affirms that the human soul was actually divided into two parts (male and female) and that man remains an unperfected creature until these parts are reunited through the emotion which man calls love. From this concept has grown the much-abused doctrine of "soul mates" who must quest through the ages until the complementary part of each severed soul is discovered. The modern concept of marriage is to a certain degree founded upon this ideal.

According to the other school, the so-called division of the sexes resulted from suppression of one pole of the androgynous being in order that the vital energies manifesting through it might be diverted to development of the rational faculties. From this point of view man is still actually androgynous and spiritually complete, but in the material world the feminine part of man's nature and the masculine part of woman's nature are quiescent. Through spiritual unfoldment and knowledge imparted by the Mysteries, however, the latent element in each nature is gradually brought into activity and ultimately the human being thus regains sexual equilibrium. By this theory woman is elevated from the position of being man's errant part to one of complete equality. From this point of view, marriage is regarded as a companionship in which two complete individualities manifesting opposite polarities are brought into association that each may thereby awaken the qualities latent in the other and thus assist in the attainment of individual completeness. The first theory may be said to regard marriage as an end; the second as a means to an end. The deeper schools of philosophy have leaned toward the latter as more adequately acknowledging the infinite potentialities of divine completeness in both aspects of creation.

The Christian Church is fundamentally opposed to the theory of marriage, claiming that the highest degree of spirituality is achievable only by those preserving the virginal state. This concept seemingly originated among certain sects of the early Gnostic Christians, who taught that to propagate the human species was to increase and perpetuate the power of the Demiurgus; for the lower world was looked upon as an evil fabrication created to ensnare the souls of all born into it--hence it was a crime to assist in bringing souls to earth. When, therefore, the unfortunate father or mother shall stand before the Final Tribunal, all their offspring will also appear and accuse them of being the cause of those miseries attendant upon physical existence. This view is strengthened by the allegory of Adam and Eve, whose sin through which humanity has been brought low is universally admitted to have been concerned with the mystery of generation. Mankind, owing to Father Adam its physical existence, regards its progenitor as the primary cause of its misery; and in the judgment Day, rising up as a mighty progeny, will accuse its common paternal ancestor.

Those Gnostic sects maintaining a more rational attitude on the subject declared the very existence of the lower worlds to signify that the Supreme Creator had a definite purpose in their creation; to doubt his judgment was, therefore, a grievous error. The church, however, seemingly arrogated to itself the astonishing prerogative of correcting God in this respect, for wherever possible it continued to impose celibacy, a practice resulting in an alarming number of neurotics. In the Mysteries, celibacy is reserved for those who have reached a certain degree of spiritual unfoldment. When advocated for the mass of unenlightened humanity, however, it becomes a dangerous heresy, fatal alike to both religion and philosophy. As Christendom in its fanaticism has blamed every individual Jew for the crucifixion of Jesus, so with equal consistency it has maligned every member of the feminine sex. In vindication of Eve philosophy claims that the allegory signifies merely that man is tempted by his emotions to depart from the sure path of reason.

Many of the early Church Fathers sought to establish a direct relationship between Adam and Christ, thereby obviously discounting the extremely sinful nature of man's common ancestor, since it is quite certain that when St. Augustine likens Adam to Christ and Eve to the church he does not intend to brand the latter institution as the direct cause of the fall of man. For some inexplicable reason, however, religion has ever regarded intellectualism – in fact every form of knowledge – as fatal to man's spiritual growth. The Ignaratitine Friars are an outstanding example of this attitude.

In this ritualistic drama – possibly derived from the Egyptians – Adam, banished from the Garden of Eden, represents man philosophically exiled from the sphere of Truth. Through ignorance man falls; through wisdom he redeems himself. The Garden of Eden represents the House of the Mysteries (see The Vision of Enoch) in the midst of which grew both the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Man, the banished Adam, seeks to pass from the outer court of the Sanctuary (the exterior universe) into the sanctum sanctorum, but before him rises a vast creature armed with a flashing sword that, moving slowly but continually, sweeps clear a wide circle, and through this "Ring Pass Not" the Adamic man cannot break.

The cherubim address the seeker thus: "Man, thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return. Thou wert fashioned by the Builder of Forms; thou belongest to the sphere of form, and the breath that was breathed into thy soul was the breath of form and like a flame it shall flicker out. More than thou art thou canst not be. Thou art a denizen of the outer world and it is forbidden thee to enter this inner place."

And the Adam replies: "Many times have I stood within this courtyard and begged admission to my Father's house and thou hast refused it me and sent me back to wander in darkness. True it is that I was fashioned out of the dirt and that my Maker could not confer upon me the boon of immortality. But no more shalt thou send me away; for, wandering in the darkness, I have discovered that the Almighty hath decreed my salvation because He hath sent out of the most hidden Mystery His Only Begotten who didst take upon Himself the world fashioned by the Demiurgus. Upon the elements of that world was He crucified and from Him hath poured forth the blood of my salvation. And God, entering into His creation, hath quickened it and established therein a road that leadeth to Himself. While my Maker could not give me immortality, immortality was inherent in the very dust of which I was composed, for before the world was fabricated and before the Demiurgus became the Regent of Nature, the Eternal Life had impressed itself upon the face of Cosmos. This is its sign – the Cross. Do you now deny me entrance, I who have at last learned the mystery of myself?"

And the voice replies: "He who is aware, IS! Behold!"

Gazing about him, Adam finds himself in a radiant place, in the midst of which stands a tree with flashing jewels for fruit and entwined about its trunk a flaming, winged serpent crowned with a diadem of stars. It was the voice of the serpent that had spoken.

"Who art thou?" demands the Adam.

"I," the serpent answers, "am Satan who was stoned; I am the Adversary--the Lord who is against you, the one who pleads for your destruction before the Eternal Tribunal. I was your enemy upon the day that you were formed; I have led you into temptation; I have delivered you into the hands of evil; I have maligned you; I have striven ever to achieve your undoing. I am the guardian of the Tree of Knowledge and I have sworn that none whom I can lead astray shall partake of its fruits."

The Adam replies: "For uncounted ages have I been thy servant. In my ignorance I listened to thy words and they led me into paths of sorrow. Thou hast placed in my mind dreams of power, and when I struggled to realize those dreams they brought me naught but pain. Thou hast sowed in me the seeds of desire, and when I lusted after the things of the flesh agony was my only recompense. Thou hast sent me false prophets and false reasoning, and when I strove to grasp the magnitude of Truth I found thy laws were false and only dismay rewarded my strivings. I am done with thee forever, O artful Spirit! I have tired of thy world of illusions. No longer will I labor in thy vineyards of iniquity. Get thee behind me, tempter, and the host of thy temptations. There is no happiness, no peace, no good, no future in the doctrines of selfishness, hate, and passion preached by thee. All these things do I cast aside. Renounced is thy rule forever!"

And the serpent makes answer: "Behold, O Adam, the nature of thy Adversary!" The serpent disappears in a blinding sunburst of radiance and in its place stands an angel resplendent in shining, golden garments with great scarlet wings that spread from one corner of the heavens to the other. Dismayed and awestruck, the Adam falls before the divine creature.

"I am the Lord who is against thee and thus accomplishes thy salvation, " continues the voice. "Thou hast hated me, but through the ages yet to be thou shalt bless me, for I have led thee out of the sphere of the Demiurgus; I have turned thee against the illusion of worldliness; I have weaned thee of desire; I have awakened in thy soul the immortality of which I myself partake. Follow me, O Adam, for I am the Way, the Life, and the Truth!"

(Thanks to Les Visible for the PDF.)

P.S. For Hall's analysis of the historical Jesus, follow this link here.

For a while now, part of me has been in a state of prayerful expectation for the next revelation in my life, the next piece of the puzzle to cross my path. It is said that when the disciple is ready, the master will appear. And so it has now proven to be in this case.

It came about through a chance reference (though nothing is by chance) to the Eastern concept of bodhisattva. The word, with the impression I got from the context, strongly drew my attention. In an email discussion with Tertius, my interest toward the subject of this type of incarnated soul (and Eastern esotericism in general) only grew, and I began my preliminary investigations on Wikipedia. Almost immediately thereafter, I was contacted by another friend on the phone, who just happened to have a link to some wisdom teachings that he thought might interest me. After visiting the library and picking up some books, I checked out that link. Eureka! I mean, wow. That stuff sucked me right in.

The thing about esoteric teachings, the kind that are supposed to transform your life from the inside out, is that there's no guarantee. You either get it or you don't, and there are many levels of getting it. Degrees of comprehension. How deep it goes just depends on how prepared your consciousness is. Well. I was very receptive to this material, and as I read it, I could taste the meaning. As I breathed in the concepts, I began to embody them, and feel them working. Soon I was directly experiencing some of the same states of consciousness that the texts were talking about. To be sure, it was only a “lite” version of the full thing, like maybe a 2 out of 10 where you have no idea what the factor is between 2 and 3, or 3 and 4, or any of the rest, so it could really be more like 0.000002 out of 10. (So much for linear thinking, haha, not much use with this stuff, eh?) But regardless of how puny my level of comprehension compared to the totality of it, it was enough. It really did change my whole way of seeing reality, put me in a different operating mode. To use the computer analogy, it felt like I was now running software written in a more basic, and thus more powerful, language. The limitations of the usual, more complex language were no longer an issue. The persistent bugs in my particular version of the software could now simply be circumvented by invoking a code closer to the God-like level of raw binary. And I felt... liberated.

Of course the analogy is flawed. Hmmm, I had some more illuminating words in mind earlier...

Yes. The mis-identification of the Self with the imagined object. Body, mind, ego: these are not the Self. They are projections in a dream. And so you recognize them for what they are. Recognize that self-awareness is the eternal observer independent of any temporal thing. See everything that appears to have a separate existence in the context of the dream. “My body (in the dream) is tired (in the dream).” “My (illusory) mind is wrestling with these (illusory) thoughts.” “My (imagined) ego is pleased (in the dream).” The words, of course, are not necessary. What counts is the awareness in the moment. And the word “my” – well, it's not the perfect word, but you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. (grin)

Fortunately for whoever reads this (and who are you, anyway? Keep asking that, I swear it'll take you places!), I have the sense to stick with convention as far as the writing goes – when I'm not messing with your head. So ego continues to carry the ball, like it's supposed to... at least on the surface. (wink)

The effect of all this lucidity for me has been pretty nice. There's the whole elimination of suffering bit, of course. But most interesting has been the inversion of this most annoying tendency I have, as an extreme introvert, to be full of activity on the inside, yet appallingly ineffective on the outside. By quieting the mind and watching the dream as a spectator, the undertaking of appropriate action becomes nearly effortless. I will it, and it happens. Very cool! It may sound kind of silly for someone who's never dealt with such a problem, but for me this is really a life-saver. For the sake of this effect alone, I intend to keep up the practice as diligently as I can. It's not about enlightenment at this stage, it's about mastering this enough to have it in my bag of tricks for everyday self-management.

That's all for now. Have a lucid day!

It is Christmas Day and I am at my grandparents' home here in Kempele, Finland. I have so much to be thankful for; I have received so much. I feel very rich in the things that matter. In a world where so many go hungry, I have enough to eat; where so many live under the threat of violence, I enjoy peace; where so many are lost and confused and afraid, I am able to see far enough to know where I stand, and that there is nothing to fear. Even suffering and death hold no fear for me, for I know that all things, without exception, serve an ultimate purpose which is benevolent. To perceive that purpose ever more clearly, and to align myself with it ever more closely: these are my highest aspirations in this life.

I have truly felt the spirit of Christmas in these past days. It is a spirit that cherishes the people and animals that are near and dear to us. It is a generous spirit; it is a prayerful spirit; it is a joyful spirit; it is a peaceful spirit. For me, this has been a very special Christmas. I sense that the coming year will bring so many changes in the world that we will quite possibly look back on this as, in some ways, the last “normal” Christmas season ever. But what has made it extra special to me is that I have never before comprehended the meaning of Christmas as deeply I do now. Last year at this time I was relatively aloof, having extricated myself from the Christian religious paradigm only that past spring. I was then in a more agnostic frame of mind, caught up in chasing the shadow of truth outside myself. Now I am cultivating a true spiritual connection.

I see the Bible's stories of Jesus as what they are, stories; one can learn much truth from stories if one is only able to discern it. Literalistic interpretation is foolish and useless to me, especially in light of the distortions introduced by those who compiled the collection of writings and called it The One and Only Definitive Word of God. There is no such thing, certainly not in words that can be uttered by the lips or understood by the mind of man.

I cast a few glances at the TV screen today when it was showing the live feed from the Vatican. I paid little attention to what the figurehead was saying, except to chuckle at his mispronunciation of the Finnish Christmas greeting, but I noticed some other, very curious things. The pomp and circumstance, music and marching, all very ritualized. The ornate finery of the clothing worn. The incredibly expensive-looking old buildings. The soldiers, the Swiss guard. It was like a Broadway spectacle, a display of materialistic power. The camera's emphasis (from what I saw) on the soldiers and guards was especially noteworthy: it made me wonder what, exactly, they are protecting. What lies in the vaults of the Vatican? It's not the Pope's life they're really protecting – or, if it is, then they certainly aren't capable of it. I quite enjoyed the symbolism of the random lady knocking him over when I saw it on the news later. No one is "too big to fall!" And many will, I suspect; many in high places are in precarious positions of their own making. Whatever they get, they will have deserved it. Berlusconi, and Bush before him, getting publicly humiliated in a physical way, these incidents are setting a tone. They are not random, they are signs of the times.

Another sign, I think, is the latest Hollywood budget-buster megamovie. Even the title of it is highly significant. The Avatar, whatever shape it may take, is coming. Has been coming. Has arrived, and needs only to awaken. I haven't watched the film yet, and I may or may not go to see it. Everyone seems to be recommending it. I just feel the ticket price is too high for my survival-level budget. The 3-D eye candy alone isn't enough to justify it for me. I care about substance more than style. (wink) But if it's as good as Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings, I might rent the DVD sometime. Anyway, the story seems to be a positive one. It's a good counterbalance to the new “V” remake. I don't know anything about extraterrestrial races first-hand, but I favour the notion that the vast majority of them would rather help us than harm us. I'm as convinced as I can be that any overt “alien invasion” scenario that might ever manifest would turn out to be a false-flag operation. But I'm not expecting any such attack to even take place, much less to be successful at hoodwinking all of humanity. We're wising up to the game – those of us who are ever going to wise up, anyway.

I've spent some time lately catching up on a very active thread over at Project Avalon Forums. It's based on intuitively derived and unprovable information, so a grain of salt would be recommended there, but I found it highly interesting nonetheless. Something is indeed brewing, and as far as I'm concerned, it can't happen too soon. Disclosure of the ET presence is a done deal, one way or another, and it would appear to be coming sooner rather than later. The global elites, particularly the most negative ones, are running out of options as far as the economy is concerned. The plan to introduce a world currency based on the same old wealth-sucking, debt-based scheme is the stupidest idea ever. The Wall Street derivative and housing bubbles have mutated into the biggest black hole in history. The best thing we can do is to just return to our senses and realize that we've been caught in a nightmare. All that's needed is to wake up from the ridiculous idea that numbers in a computer necessarily have anything to do with real wealth. Real capital is all around us in abundance. It's raw materials from nature and it's human potential. Knowledge and the application of knowledge. It is also energy and the means to use it. There are two major limiting factors that I can see in our insane economy: the artificial scarcity of money (never mind that they're printing it as fast as they can – the value of what it'll buy is what counts), and the artificial scarcity of energy. Cheap, highly efficient technologies that would threaten the profits of the mostly oil-based energy companies have deliberately been kept out of use for probably a century. With disclosure of the ET presence will come the release of those technologies and a miraculous economic recovery. Did I say recovery? More like rebirth.

Just before I started this little piece, I caught wind of David Wilcock's latest writing, published just in time for Christmas. I haven't read it yet, but I will as soon as I've posted this. I also recommend Les Visible's blog entries for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. In fact, I would recommend anything by those two. Not as Gospel Truth, but as more like Chicken Soup for the Awakening Soul. (grin)

The clock just crossed over to the 26th where I am, so I hope you had a good Christmas and wish you all an amazing New Year. We've got a blue moon happening right on New Year's Eve, which is quite fun considering it's a new decade as well. Be well, be at peace, and I'll see you on the other side.

Once again, I have been totally neglecting this blog, despite all my good intentions to keep writing in it. Now I come to a point where I really don't care how wise or knowledgeable or intelligent or talented with words I come across as being. Life has lately been so humbling to me that I simply can't afford to set up any thresholds higher than where I am right now, which is flat on the floor, metaphorically speaking. My desire to impress and inspire others has been beaten out of me. I am nothing.

And yet, I am here.

And yet, I shine forth what little refracted, dimly reflected light I have.

(I've also given up on the idea that I have to write on a specific topic every time. Right now, I'm just letting the words flow. So much easier to let these entries write themselves. ;) )

I was thinking just now, at breakfast (coffee and cream, which is how I start my day when I'm not at all feeling on top of my world, otherwise it's usually tea and porridge), how masterful we are at deceiving ourselves. Even sometimes when we tell ourselves and believe we're being honest, we're not.

I've been deceiving myself in the most tragicomical way these past months. Thinking I could go on and make my way through life without doing certain things. As though I were some kind of special case. And given how basically honest (I think) I am, that deception has had to rely on a huge helping of denial in order to stay viable. I am an introvert, and I have a vivid inner life. My imagination dreams up things that aren't necessarily true all the time. Normally, I can tell the difference between outer reality and these products of imagination, but that does sometimes require taking a step back and being consciously objective about things. In the case of this lie, I didn't want to do that, so I had to keep telling myself new lies and stopping myself from thinking about the whole issue. And that's how it usually works, isn't it?

Truth has a way of coming out, though, and lies have a way of being revealed for what they are. All it takes is time for the circumstances to bring that about. In my particular case, luckily, those circumstances have now become concrete and impossible to ignore. Given certain acquired failings of my character, I am infinitely grateful for the support I have been receiving from my close relatives and friends. Without their help, I would probably be well on the way to being evicted from my apartment by now.

Much as I'd like to be able to offer some kind of generally applicable wisdom on this subject (and heaven knows I love to play the wise man), I feel obliged at this moment to at least try to rein in that ambition and not overstep my bounds. We'll see how that works out, though. ;)

Without spinning too many sweeping generalities, let me touch upon one of the greatest deceptions I've ever perpetrated upon myself, from my current perspective: religion.

Starting when I first became aware of such a thing as personal religious faith, around perhaps the age of six or seven, up until my twenty-fourth year, religion was a major part of my life. In retrospect, my first impression of it, through the innocent eyes of a four-year-old boy, was probably the truest. I remember sitting in church about Easter time, listening to the words of the preacher, and thinking, “Why does he keep going on about this dead guy named Jesus? What do I care?” There were more sermons from different speakers, but they were all on the same (to my mind) irrelevant subject. And man, were they depressing, too! I said to my parents, straight up, that I didn't care to hear any more about this dead guy named Jesus. They were taken aback, I guess, but shrugged off my words as mere childish talk, not to be taken too seriously. I imagine they figured I would come around when I was a little older and better able to understand what it (the Jesus thing) was all about. Well, they were right about that. I did come around. I came around pretty hard, actually.

The sect of Christianity I was raised into is a fascinating subject unto itself, but for the purposes of this blog entry let me sum it up with just one word: conservative. I even hesitate to use that label, because I know a lot of folks inside that group who I would describe as being rather liberal than conservative, and God bless them for that. (grin) I prefer to view the sect as a collection of unique (emphasis: unique!) individuals under one convenient banner rather than a monolithic group of thought-clones. Although, come to think of it, it does contain its share of the clones, too... no, I'm kidding. But it's true that a certain degree of suppression of independent thought is a feature there, which is, I think, typical of all dogmatic institutions. But I digress.

Suffice to say there is a certain set of dogmatic beliefs, both overt and unspoken, that you generally have to subscribe to in order to be broadly accepted as a member of the sect, one of the “believers.” Never mind whether those beliefs are internally consistent, logical, or based on fact. I'm not even saying they necessarily aren't. That's for each person to decide for themselves. What I'm saying is, that's the requisite for membership, in practical terms. (Plus there's the matter of who's qualified to open the door for you; clearly, only an existing member has that qualification. I bypassed that myself, being born and raised into the faith.)

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that I was about as “in” as you can be. I believed it all, even the parts that were not so easy to swallow. It wasn't even very difficult, most of the time. Do you know why?

I wanted to believe.

I wanted to believe, and that was that. That's really what it comes down to. If, deep down, you really want to believe something, you'll find a way to do it. In the case of a lie, you'll set up whatever construction of denials, plausible lines of reasoning, and/or emotional appeals it takes. Failing that, you'll just... believe anyway. Or not. But in my case, for a long time, I did. (And yes, I am personally coming out and calling that belief system a lie, because that is what it most definitely appears to be in my eyes now. I have no qualms or doubts when I say that. But, as always, judgement is subjective. One person's despicable lie is another's sublime truth. Ain't nothing wrong with that.)

Now mind you, a belief system certainly doesn't have to be all true to be useful. If Christianity weren't useful to someone, it would have no reason to exist. In the same vein, a lie doesn't have to be all untrue in order to be an effective lie. It merely has to bend the truth just enough.

It was because of the perceived overall usefulness to me of that conservative Christian belief system, and its apparent proximity to the truth as I then beheld it, that I wanted to invest myself in it. When those circumstances changed – in other words, when I gradually lost my spiritual use for it and it was no longer close enough to my evolving sense of the truth – I abandoned it. Very simple.

And yet, there was that crucial, defining moment of decision, when I said to myself, “I just want the truth. Come what may, I just want the truth.” In that moment, I was prepared to give up beliefs that I'd cherished for years, which had become part of my very identity, and which formed the context, if not the basis, of almost my entire social life, all for the sake of finding the truth. I no longer wanted to believe as much as I wanted to find the truth.

It was in that moment that I made a bigger leap of faith than I'd ever made before. Faith means trusting. I trusted that I would be able to find greater truth, and that that greater truth would not condemn my soul to eternal suffering in hell (as I'd been assured so many times that it would), but that it would actually set me free instead.

Well, to be honest, I don't think I'm very free yet – at least, not nearly as free as I'd like to be – but I'm certainly freer in some key ways as a direct result of no longer deceiving myself in line with that tired old system. I think the less I fool myself, the freer I become. It's working on the level of practical, everyday issues, so why shouldn't it work on higher levels as well? Food for thought.