Limits of an Infinite Self

I haven't self-identified as a Christian for some time now, a couple of years. I've explored a variety of spiritual perspectives in that time. Now it seems I have less need to do any seeking of an outward nature. I try to focus on simply listening to what I'm being told personally by the circumstances and daily events of my life, by synchronicities and dreams. I observe silence and beauty. I dig into my thoughts, feelings and motivations, try to discern the true from the false with the sword of awareness, to understand where I've gone wrong, and attempt to forgive all my many deviations from the way of Life. Forgiveness is often the most difficult phase, but it is crucial. Without forgiveness, there is only a hell of guilt, a legion of incriminating voices crying "not good enough!"

To withhold forgiveness, from oneself or from others, is to deny the Love with which we are created, to obstruct the flow of Life that streams unending from the infinite source of all things. And when we are thus negatively disposed to that all-encompassing flow, we find that it becomes a rain of arrows, bringing anguish and pain. Instead of letting go and transforming our pain into Love, we too often simply opt to build thicker and thicker walls around our hearts. The result being that we are increasingly cut off from the Source. We descend deeper and deeper into separation, into a realm where illusion, deception, manipulation, distortion, and corruption appear to rule. Struggle replaces ease, fear and anxiety and anger replace love and trust and harmony.

Christianity holds that forgiveness is only possible because of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, a "perfect sacrificial lamb" who took the sins of the world upon his shoulders, descended into hell, and defeated Satan's power so that whoever believes and accepts his redemption work can be saved and go to heaven. This is the storybook version. I know a lot of people believe it literally, and they're welcome to it. For me, it doesn't hold water as such. As far as I do accept it, I take it as an archetypal myth that both conceals and reveals the actual spiritual truth behind it, depending upon whether we have eyes to see and ears to hear.

Jesus was a spiritual master, prepared from even before his birth for the role he was to play on this earthly stage. He went through some process of initiation into the ancient esoteric mysteries, probably in both Egypt and India. He came to a full awakening of the Christ consciousness, which is a balanced and perfect consciousness, the Ain Soph Aur, the white light of the Trinity. In this sense he most definitely was an Avatar of God.

The Bible is a tough book to read if you're looking for truth but don't know what to look for. After all, it was written and edited by all sorts of people with all sorts of motivations. And canonized, mind you, by a particular group of people with particular motivations. I mean, of course, the Council of Nicea. That's when they made the sausage. When the modern, processed, pre-packaged, adulterated, sterile version of Christianity was born. To serve the needs of the very powers-that-be from under whose oppression the real teachings of Jesus would have delivered all people, had they been taken to heart.

If you question nothing, you get only what you're given. True faith in God will withstand any revelation and any trial, because it is flexible and open to new information, and rests upon the true source of all strength and hope and insight. Of course, our faith is weak. We stumble and stray. But this is the work of God in us. Every error and failing brings us closer to learning how not to fail. We learn what makes us suffer, and what the antidote to our suffering is. The answer is to seek to perceive God in all things, even to perceive as God. Through the eyes of Love and ever higher awareness....

The Matrix has you...

Indeed it does. It has us under its spell... this God-forsaking realm of animal urge under Demiurge. The human experiment reaches its morbid climax once again as another cycle of time approaches its inexorable end. A time of reckoning, a crossroads of fate. A more golden age, or a deeper, wider, longer hell than we could ever imagine. Lifetimes of iniquity and failure behind, and one more chance to make it right, to break the mould and exit this bloody stage of mundane mortality and the oppression of hateful laws. Might makes right. Dog eat dog. Ignorance prevails. The cancer is terminal. We lurch from day to lifeless day, unaware that the hungry maw of Death awaits to consume our wasted zombie flesh. We are already dead; it is only our continual state of distraction-denial and restless, outward activity that convinces us otherwise.

Believe and it is so. Conscious, waking-mind belief affects the appearance of reality; the deeper the level of belief, the more fundamentally it shapes our experience.

Today I have chosen the material nature as my frame of reference. I've given my lesser qualities a turn at steering the vessel. It is a choice. Yesterday was different; tomorrow will be different again. But today I embrace my fallen self. Mechanical. Bound. Yet I know... I know that that is not who I am. The essence of me is eternal and free. This will never change, no matter how I might deny it.

The ascending path is hard. It is narrow and steep. Through adamantine strength of will I could attack it head on and stay the course. But that is not my way. There are few with such strength. So I lapse into detour, the side-road that looks so much easier and leads nowhere but back to the true way. Lost time and rueful wisdom. Just for today. Tomorrow is a new day.

When shall we seek God? When the harvest is in and our bellies are full? When we've persevered with our own strength and won the glory and praise of this world? Not likely. It's when we've exhausted all other ways, when we're pushed to the brink, when all the faith we had in anything else is brought to ruin; that's when we turn to the true source of Knowing, Loving, Doing and Being. Our Divinity.

Theories, teachers, traditions, techniques. These can help us. But they will also hinder us.

You seek an experience of God? Fool. God is the one experiencing all things. You yourself are part of that wholeness. It is only your conviction that you are a separate being that keeps you from knowing this.

Your seeming separateness may seem a curse, but I say it is the greatest gift of all. Seek the One if you feel so inclined. Seek with every fibre of your being and you will find it. Seek by half measures and you will wobble, tugged by turns toward truth and death. In any case, you can only be what you are until you choose to make yourself something else. Make the change or have it made for you.

This day I have drunk of the wine of this beautiful prison earth. It is sweet poison for the blood, intoxicating the mind with a heavy softness that fades into guilt. How much more potent is the wine of heaven, which purifies, clarifies, and exalts the spirit!

This blog is not a conscious service to humanity. Any good that comes of it, comes in spite of the misguided efforts and petty motives of the writer. It is in the modus operandi of God to use all things, all vessels, for the universal good. In the case of a corrupt vessel, the good that is wrought comes in spite of the vessel's own intentions.

The writer would characterize this blog as a running display of his own ignorance and shortcomings. Look not for revelation hence, lest you be deceived.

So says the lost soul, confounded by too much trying, all in vain.

Less writing, more living. Or rather, less vanity, more service.

I overindulge, yes. But that is my choice at the moment. To expose my ugly side with honesty. Not even in the words, of course, so much as behind and between the words. Unconsciously. But with the potential for consciousness, upon reflection... and soon I leave this pit behind for another view again. Thank god for that.

To honour and love God and one's fellow creatures - mineral, plant, animal, or human - is the totality of the law. If we do not know ourselves, how can we know others? How can we know God?

To see ourselves in others, not as projections of ego, but as individual expressions of the same essence of God. All that endures is God, all else is but the ever-changing dream in the imagination of God.

To know is to perceive directly. We do not perceive; we are too caught up in chasing our thoughts, from past to future to past again. Fantasy, delusion, worry, regret, interpretation through the filter of the unknowing, conditioned mind. Or we are embroiled in sensation, craving pleasure and avoiding pain. Identifying as the content of our mental, emotional and physical experience, instead of as what we truly are. Thus we enslave and imprison ourselves and are tossed about by outer circumstances and our unconscious drives. Truth as it can be perceived exists only in the present.

To make the unconscious, conscious. This is the beginning of the alchemical work. The proper study of man is man himself. What lies hidden within him. Observing, without bias or judgment, one's actions, feelings, thoughts, and motives. Passionless understanding. Accepting, and accepting responsibility.

This writer is a fool, as are all common men. The only thing keeping him from being a perfect ignoramus and an imbecile is his flickering recognition of the fact that he does not know, does not perceive, only thinks, feels, senses outwardly, and foolishly parrots the thoughts of others without real understanding. Even were this not the case, you would be a fool to assume otherwise. Anything he says must be tried and proven first. And if you know directly, you have no need of his words at all.

What we might call "knowledge" is not given. It is earned. Through suffering and striving. Through patience and labour. And even then it is only one's own subjective experience. True knowledge surpasses all this, all the efforts of man. It is timeless. It is priceless. It is to perceive what is. How shall we who are blind and deaf, perceive?

We are blind and deaf because of the thick miasma and dirt of illusion and sin that covers us. So many are comfortable with this condition, they seek to preserve it and deepen it. You who desire the sincere and loving, all-illuminating truth, must not be so complacent as these. You have your work cut out for you.

Purification. Cutting through the illusion, casting off the sin. This requires brutal honesty and total commitment. Yet it is not merely the work of the separate little you, capricious and weak. It is the work of God within you. The divine will, the divine intellect, the divine love.

With God all things are possible.

God is within you, and you are within God. Rejoice and give thanks, for it is God who created you, God who sustains you, and God who will transform you in ways you never imagined. Life and death, night and day. One eternal Being.

This is from a couple of days ago. My Internet was down all weekend, but it's fixed now. I spent yesterday reading The Collapsing Tower and gaining new insights from there, so thoughts have changed... and it's all good.

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A couple of years ago, I attended a level 1 Reiki course taught by Kirsi Voutilainen. That weekend was a watershed experience for me in more ways than one. It was perhaps my first time connecting in person with such deeply spiritually-oriented people who understood that there was so much more to life than what meets the eye; who had gone through incredible inner transformation and were committed to continuing that work; who clearly saw both the disease and the beauty of our world, as well as their causes and implications; who knew why they were here: to transmute the energies of the old world into those of the new, a harmonious and balanced Earth that called to their hearts from the future and drew them toward itself as co-creators of it. Healers. Old souls. Lightworkers. Spiritual warriors. Kirsi was one in whom I saw these qualities. Another was Markku, a star child and survivor spirit of the previous generation to mine. He and I have maintained contact and I consider him a real friend, though we've only met once.

No human relationship is without its issues, of course. With Markku I tend to feel like I'm being seen and appreciated for all that's best in me. But there's a lingering anxiety that if he could see me in totality, he would be sorely disappointed with all my failures to measure up to that "best." Now I know this is not the case, it's a totally irrational fear, but it's there and it brings a level of caution to my interactions with him lest I somehow offend or disappoint. This is a pattern that has shown up in other relationships too, but it particularly comes to the surface with this one. It's the dark side of my diplomatic streak and the ego's desire to be liked and win the approval of others. The antidote, I guess, is just to be more aware of it as a falsehood and have the guts to be more real. Which means operating from a deeper, truer place, free of even such a deep-seated fear. Courage to BE what I am, as I am, even if it means revealing my own lack of the qualities ego would wish to display as if it owned them. Ego cannot own the qualities of Spirit. All it can do is to stop getting in their way.

What it comes down to, again, as with everything else, is the Work. Cultivating the connection with divine truth. The God-Self. Recognizing the fears and desires and weaknesses of the flesh, accepting, forgiving - and choosing to follow the way of Spirit whenever the choice is clear.

I think it's safe to say we become more like that with which we identify ourselves. What we define, we limit. That's the literal meaning of the word, isn't it? To define oneself as solely a separate being - a mechanical consciousness built on inherently unconscious matter, a collection of programs arising from a Darwinian process of adaptation for survival - is tragically limited. But such a view is not hopeless for the open and searching mind. There are many ways to grow beyond those limits, to find real meaning and joy. Whichever path is most naturally suited to their needs and proclivities will open up to the individual thus seeking.

On the ultimate, fully transcendent level, we are all identical with the One. As individual souls, we embody some particular configuration of the archetypes into which the One differentiated itself for the purpose of the functionings of the universe, an incarnation of itself. Like cells in a body, we contain all the information needed to create a whole new body. But in order for the body to function optimally as it is, each cell has to perform its own particular function, some infinitesimal portion of the workings of the whole.

Around us, we see a great sickness. Human cells divided against other cells, filled with the toxic waste of their own dysfunction. The body is not threatened. It knows exactly what it is doing. It is healing itself. The methods at its disposal are legion. The toxins will be purged and transmuted, one way or another. Cells that are beyond help will die and be recycled. Balance will be restored. This is not some random process. It is part of a natural cycle. The crisis we observe is entirely under control. It appears threatening only to the extent that we lack the connection to the whole and its divine perspective.

Some of us are here to demonstrate what happens when disease takes over. Others are here to help the rest return to wellness. In healing ourselves, we facilitate the healing of others. These two processes are closely linked. From the point of view of the whole, anyone in the process of healing themselves is helping to heal the whole. And the source of healing is always within.

For myself, when asked what I want to be, probably the answer I most resonate with is "an angel." I want to channel the energy of heaven for others. The power, the love, the wisdom. That's a high calling, I suppose. One that I'm far from fulfilling yet, in more than a flawed and partial way. Still hamstrung by ego. But that's just as it's meant to be. One doesn't bring heaven to earth without first having roots in the earth, taking part in its pain and struggle, going through one's own little piece of hell and rising out, learning what it takes to transform the darkness, integrating it and transmuting it through the light.

I face my own laziness, cowardice, stubborn resistance. My lack of trust in the only thing worthy of all trust. The power of appearances would have me shrink in fear of what's to come, collectively, as well as the karmic results of my own past choices. But I know that the point is to break out of the past, to learn from it and do things differently. Come what may. It will work out exactly as it needs to, for my own learning and for the overall good of the whole.

At the Reiki course, I spent a moment reading an "angel board." An oracle. I asked about my purpose. The answer it gave was "Support." As far as I can tell, that's probably about right. In relation to others, in whatever capacity I'm able. In relation to myself, though, the "why am I here?" Hmm. I really think it's because I chose this. I volunteered. I wanted to take on the biggest challenge in the world. To be born on Earth, to forget who I am. To play the game called Being Human, and another one called Remembering. I must have been one heck of an optimist when I signed up. Multiple incarnations, all the karma that goes with them. Jeez, what a mess. But what else you gonna do, right? The world's a playground. You might as well get dirty, get into trouble, get lost for a while in the things you imagine. As long as the appeal is there. When you're done, you go home again anyway.

George Ure talks about "decoupling" from the system to survive and thrive when it breaks down. That would be nice. I like to fantasize about living in a self-sustaining way, somewhere closer to nature, apart from all the insanity of urban society. But I don't see it happening, not now. It's the economics, just infeasible with the means I've got, which is no means at all, as far as money is concerned. Besides, what about my schooling? OK, sure, in a perfect world, I could go be an apprentice and not have to go to a corporate-world-adapted institution for massage therapist training. But I digress. The point is that disengaging from society at large isn't an end in itself and I don't want to take it to the extreme. In fact, I'm too disengaged as it is, from the standpoint of being a useful human, helping others, contributing. Just another thing to angst over... or to simply understand and do something about. And I have been, a little. So that's good.

What I would really like is to spend more time with people. There's a lot of thresholds to that, though... So... I'll take my human contact as it comes, and initiate it when I feel moved to do so by the force that animates me...

Life is funny.

The conscious game changer for 11.11 was something I really felt was important. I looked past the slick media presentation, the fluffy new-age idealism, the pop bastardization of quantum physics and saw something worthwhile regardless. What I recognized as well, in part, but failed to resolve entirely, was the flaw in my own approach to participating. Namely, the fact that my desire to take part and have others join in was not purely of the Spirit, but carried a strong element of egoic fear under the surface. Fear of the unmitigated depths of hardship, loss, darkness, and uncertainty that appear to be in store as part of a collective awakening process. Desire to avoid the attendant pain and struggle as much as possible. Insofar as my motivation thus sprang from ego, the conscious game changer became an exercise in wishful thinking, tainted magic ritual, self-defeating. I didn't see this right away, but I was troubled and wondering what was wrong. Life being what it is, I was then guided to materials and experiences that helped me understand and remedy the problem.

Laura Knight-Jadczyk's article Truth, Lies, Reality served to remind me of a perspective I'd somehow lost touch with: that there is an objective reality (known in the mind of God) independent of what anyone personally believes, and that our human conscious ability to positively influence that reality through focused intent hinges in some way upon our ability to perceive and accept that reality as it is. This is, of course, a perspective that sheds light on the truth, and not the absolute Truth itself... (in my personal opinion... ^_^ )

Then I was looking for info on the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan calendar and came across this article on Joy and Fear. Another quite useful perspective.

Then I got a nice boost from the latest Smoking Mirrors and one comment in particular. Another comment linked me to Clif High's extraordinary essay Failing, falling, flying, fearlessness - for which he deserves at least three pieces of the most delicious pie!

In between there somewhere, I spent an evening in the company of some really wonderful friends, which, after a week of near-total solitude, transformed my ill ease of mind into full-flowered joy and peace that carried over and deepened through the night as I meditated and rested better than I had in quite some time.

Now this morning, I felt prompted to open a random page in Barefoot Doctor's Handbook for the Urban Warrior: A Spiritual Survival Guide. The insights I received from there on Focus, Worry, and Doubt were exactly what I needed. The Taoist philosophy and humour of Barefoot Doctor never fails to lighten the way...

There's more, but the short of it is that I was blessed with the wisdom of multiple perspectives from others and integrated them together with my own inner and outer experience into a harmonious and practically effortless way (Tao) through and out of the confusion and malaise I'd been in. All in a day's work. (For universe, mostly. Credit given where due, with many thanks.)

Happy Tipping Point!

My intellect wants to take this post in six different directions. None of them works. The more thoughts my brain puts together, the less fruitful it seems for the needs of this moment. It might have something to do with this. With the fact that defining the world and the self is a function of ego which restricts the flow of endless potential that is the source of truest joy. To express that which is most true for oneself in the moment, is what puts one in the flow of life. At this moment I feel a warmth, a breeze blowing through my heart. It's a fragile thing in the midst of all the opposing tensions in my mind and body, but it is the center of truth. Knowing. Being. Accepting. Appreciating. Loving.

In my dream last night, I was walking along a trail through a sunny field of green grass. I was on my way somewhere else, but my mind was right where I was, in the moment, joyfully observing. As I walked, I passed a couple of girls riding a moped through the grass, and I felt how they shared a deep, unbreakable friendship. I saw a pair of lovers lying in the field, totally immersed in each other with such tenderness. I saw a mother with her newborn child, such a profound sense of joy and love, nurturing and trusting between them. There were others, too: a father and young child, a woman with her dog, students full of enthusiasm for learning and having fun. All the while I was floating with each step.

Then I arrived where I was going. It was a college campus, full of busy people rushing here and there with their schedules and deadlines and appointments and assignments, no time to notice and just be in the present, to connect with others in a real way. The atmosphere of control pushed down on my shoulders and I walked heavily, hunched over.

This is the contrast, I imagine, between feeling what is, as it is, and the efforts of the mind to lock onto what is and have it be something in particular according to one's need for control. One leads to effortless joy, the other removes joy.

It's OK to feel gloomy, cut off, depressed. Those feelings are real and valid in their own way and there is no point trying to deny them or artificially force oneself to cheer up and be happy. Accept the darkness. See into it, understand where it comes from. Allow the experience, but know that you are not the content of your experience. You are a being whose essence is beyond all definition. You need not trouble yourself with thoughts of "Who am I?" To ask is to deny what you already know: "I am." Everything else is just part of the game.

We are immersed in the game. We have forgotten who we are. And that is exactly as it was meant to be. Now and in the coming time, we have this opportunity, if we truly so desire, to awaken and expand to other levels of the game, or even, given a critical mass of harmoniously aligned intent, to affect the conditions of the one we're in.

What unites us? What is our common ground? Does that not far outweigh whatever might divide us?

What can one million people together achieve? A lot. Like, say, shifting the entire course of our planet's future? If they believe in the possibility and put their minds to it, then yes.

That's the idea behind the New Reality Transmission.

I read about it on George Ure's daily Urban Survival report today and thought, man, this is exactly what we need. Imagine going through this apocalypse with the minimum amount of human suffering and the maximum amount of things like enlightenment, world peace, free energy, ecosphere restoration, and no more goddamned lies ever perpetrated upon humanity for the benefit of the selfish few at the expense of the rest, ever (until the next time we screw it all up and have to go through this again, haha, knock on wood)... manifesting in the shortest time possible. Doesn't that kind of sound... well... worth it? Worth a few minutes of your time each day for a few days? Really. I mean, really.

That's all I guess I have to say on that. If you don't know what the "November Tipping Point" refers to, I would point you over to Half Past Human and particularly their latest update. Also, for a curious seeming correlation between the Web Bot, Time Wave Zero, and the Mayan Calendar, check out these short articles on Altimatrix.

You can just smell the self-righteous zeal coming off this post, can't you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. But I don't mind, actually. It reminds me of just how human I am.

Oh, and on a relatively unrelated note: yesterday was my birthday and it was awesome. :)

the gods play poker, the gods play dice
lay wagers on the freewill choice
of mortals, watching from above
to see the outworkings of love
within us, or the lack thereof
creating pain or paradise

let the gods themselves amuse
and know that all the world's a ruse
set up within duality
a ring of false dichotomy
exposed for those with eyes to see
with gnostic impartiality
what we might gain, or rather lose

dependent on our heart's desire
for freedom, spirit's holy fire
can burn away what holds us back
but only if we live the fact
of what we are, undo the stack
of karma, penetrate the pack
of lies and seek what takes us higher

create and sing and dance and serve
and learn the place of every nerve
and celebrate what brought you here
the truth that resonates so clear
for all who have the ears to hear
beyond the senses' maya curve

that God is One and All is God
perfection veiled, appearing flawed
evolving through humanity
we manifest the energy
reveal it incrementally
Love is the universal Law.

These are heavy times. Know why? 'Cause we've been accumulating so... much... damn... stuff.

Not just possessions. I mean inside. All this stuff, and most of it just so much dead weight. And who's going to be flying when they're carrying three hundred thousand years' worth of spiritual ballast on their soul?

You wonder why this place feels like such a dump sometimes. Yeah. You don't need that stuff; you should be dumping it. Dump it here while you can!

But it's attached, how do I get it off?

Don't be silly. You're the one that's attached to it. Just let go.

What if I can't?

Then you'll get help.

What kind of help?

Whatever kind you prove yourself in need of. Ignore one kind when it's offered, and you'll get another kind, and another, and another. As many chances as you need. But it gets pretty rough when you keep turning the offers down. That's how you keep yourself down. Say yes to whatever's happening, pay attention to what it's asking you to do. Pain is a good sign. It means you're feeling where the attachment is. Use that indicator. Open up that secret stash of pain and guilt and judgment. See what ugly things are there. Burn them in the fires of love, truth, and forgiveness. Transmute them into their opposites.

The opposite of suffering is bliss. The opposite of cowardice is courage. The opposite of foolishness is wisdom. The opposite of fear is love.

Lose the concrete shoes. How else you gonna swim?

These are deep waters, dangerous and beautiful, deadly and powerful, life-giving and gentle.

Learn to swim, learn to dive.

There's a current and a tide and a huge, huge wave.

Ride it out, surf the wave, don't get dashed against the rocks.

Keep your balance, keep your eyes on the brightening horizon.

Go by feel. Trust what's real.

Lighten up! God, don't take yourself so seriously. You're not who you think you are? You don't know who you are? You actually think you don't know who you are. Who are you? Come on!

I see a smile. I know, you're catching on. The realization is awakening. Shhh. Yesss. Ha! ha! Yes!

You are. The One Perfect Being.

Challenging days. Keep your head, keep your feet, keep your eye on the ball. Be honest. Don't give up the good fight. Don't let the insanity in the world get to you. Don't let circumstances determine your fate for you. Know what it is you depend on and be sure it's something you actually can depend on.

Fear is the mind-killer. There is nothing to fear. Everything is going to be all right. Never mind how it looks at the moment, on the surface. It's going to be all right. It is all going exactly as it must go.

Do what you can do and let the rest take care of itself. Have faith. Hang on tight. Take it one day at a time.

This is what I needed to hear for myself, so I took it upon myself to say it.

Peace, in love and in truth.

I can't do it. I can't go through with what I've thought I was going to do for the past six months. I've dreamed of going solo into the unknown, to put my faith and my wits to the ultimate test by leaving everything behind and throwing myself into the extreme situation of being alone and far from home without any place in the world to call my own. But I can't do it.

My mind is a disaster. It's a war zone. Now I find that I have no choice but to admit defeat in a war that I thought was something other than it was. Thank you, my raging intellect, for going so far beyond the bounds of what was necessary and good for me that you've brought me to this impossibly untenable position between what the world around me appears to know, and what I think I know. It's time to surrender and say, I just don't know. I daresay neither does anyone else, but goddammit, they've got the world on their side. I'm just a kid with delusions of whatever. I've lost my faith in all of that. Not in what's real - I still think God is the only reality - but in all this crap I've picked up and filled my brain with, and for what - to feel special? I'm not special. If I'd accepted my own limitations from the start and stuck to what I could actually know from my own experience instead of relying on all this outside information with no direct relevance to my life - I wouldn't be in this situation. If I'd let all that "wider world out there" stuff be whatever it was and just kept it as a minor curiosity at the most, I'd be fine. But I had to latch onto it, try to make sense of things that were too big for me, beyond my ability to assimilate into a healthy, workable view of reality. And now I find myself... just... lost. And deeply depressed. As if that weren't enough, I've also gone and laid waste to what foundation for a life I did have, materially, and been horribly unfair to those around me in the process. "Back to square one" doesn't quite describe it. More like square zero.

So now I've lost faith in both worlds: the one everyone else seems to live in, and the one I'd built up in my head. But the fact of the matter is that, at least for the moment, the former still has a standing structure. I'm not convinced that it'll hold for long, but it's all there is right now that I can actually see and stand on, if not put my trust in. I don't have the means to prepare in an outward sense for the collapse of this current social order. I look at the mainstream news media in this country, the way it keeps on keeping up the facade, quoting all these paid experts and professional liars, and I don't believe a word of it. Their job, whether they know it or not, is to keep the appearance going and prolong the game for as long as possible. The powers-that-be, on the level you don't see, are convinced that it's all coming down in a less distant future than you know, and their strategy is to milk the rest of us for as long as they can and when the time comes, to retreat into the impenetrable, well-stocked hidey-holes they've built for themselves at our expense over the last 30-40 years, to wait out the virtually-unsurvivable conditions expected for the surface of the planet. That's if the sources I got that from are for real - obviously, I make no guarantees. If such is the case, then I have no interest in engaging that scenario one way or another, except to point it out as a possibility and maybe throw an astral monkey wrench or two into the works, if I feel like it. Not that it'll be necessary, but it'd at least be a gesture of where I stand in relation to their hell-bound matrix of the unreal.

Who is this "them?" It's a whole bunch of "thems," of course, but from what I've been able to discern, they have a definite thread in common: they are in the business of the enslavement of humanity for selfish, senseless purposes, and the higher up the pyramid you look, the more depraved and inhuman they are. The peak cannot be seen, but the upper levels comprise the world's wealthiest white men and women (whose names will never be on a Forbes 500 list) - the top Zionist bankers and the innermost elite of the elites.

Their wealth is stolen in a thousand ways from the blood and sweat of the common people, whom they view as livestock ripe for the slaughter. They have had their way with the rest of us for a long time because most of us have been too ignorant and cowardly to make them stop, and the few who do speak out against them, they have silenced. They have engineered, financed, and profited from every revolution and every major war in modern time. Their tools are the World Bank, the IMF, and all the biggest banks, through whose blood-sucking debt schemes they keep the Third World nations in poverty and are steadily bringing the First World nations also to their knees via controlled demolition of the money economy. And if they control most of the world's wealth, which they do, then I should hardly have to spell out the architecture of worldly power that that wealth has bought them. It is all around us: in politics and legislation, of course; likewise religion, art, entertainment, education, medicine; the courts, the police and military forces; the food, water, and energy supplies; every aspect of human life.

But all this is only the outer manifestation of what is, at its core, the war for our minds and hearts. They can't touch us there, but they can set things up outwardly in such a way that most of us will, contrary to our divine nature, tend to play the part they intend for us: we become unthinking consumers of a ready-made culture, investing our efforts and emotions in the things that feed their agenda and their demonic masters' thirst for human fear and suffering. Their greatest pleasure is to so pervert our ways that we become like them: we forsake our divinity and join the morbid march of their cult of death.

From this perspective, perhaps, you may understand why I've found it so hard to make a place for myself in this society. I don't believe in the existing structure as any kind of sustainable foundation for the happy, healthy kind of life I desire for myself and those around me. I can't bring myself to play by the stinkin' rules. I'm an uppity slave, haha. Freedom? Dream on! Well, it was a nice dream while it lasted. Too bad I never made a workable plan to attain it. I realize now that freedom has a price. It's earned. I haven't earned mine. I'm not yet ready to claim it. It's that simple.

My heart is undefeated. I will play the game for a while longer, but only until I sense my time has arrived to step forward and play a different part, the part I feel I am destined for. As long as there is time on the clock, I will play the game. I have a life to rebuild, such as it is, and thank God for the resources at my disposal even within such a system as this. There is a sanity to it, if you don't dig too deep. :D

So I'll make use of what's here now in preparation for whatever is to come after. My primary concern is to learn a practical trade. Since I left high school eight years ago, I've only managed to hit dead end after dead end. I've never really had a clear idea what I wanted to do for a living. I have a better idea now, and the will to do what it takes to find out for sure what it is, get that education, and finally gain a useful skill set so that someday I'll be able to support not only myself, but my future children as well.

Running away was a pipe dream. There's no "away" to run to. Everything I need is right here. It's a tough pill to swallow, to admit that I've been on the wrong track all this time. Not that adventuring in itself is wrong - God forbid! - but I see now that I have not been in a position where I could do that and still be leading a responsible life too. And I think some kind of adventure may find me anyway, before all is said and done. No need to seek it out!

Sometimes the very hardest thing to do is exactly what a person must do. In my case, it's to humble myself down to my own size, bite the bullet, and play the game for as long as need be.

But I won't be singing their song while I do it. ;)

Professor Tolkien never intended his saga of Middle-Earth as an allegory of our world. He did, however, hope it would be applicable towards discovering something of the nature of this world and ourselves.

I am no literary scholar, but I can spot an archetype when it's highlighted in no less than the title of a book. Return of the King portrays many archetypes, but the one that concerns me most at this time is the inner meaning of the titular exile-King's return to the throne of the world of Men. No doubt much has already been written on the subject, but as I said, I am no scholar. I will merely tell what I can perceive: that the restoration of the true King's authority, over the resistance of the Steward, speaks directly to the most fundamental conflict of human existence: the personal self of ego-consciousness versus the ultimate supremacy of the Impersonal Self of God-consciousness.

Denethor, Steward of Gondor, embodies many qualities typical of the ego. In fact, he is entirely ruled by it, by the illusion of separateness it engenders, and by the fear that is its fundamental first fruit. He is a prisoner of his own limited thinking; he knows neither true love nor true peace. His faith in appearances hinders him from awakening to the Truth behind appearances; and so he can never have true faith. In the face of the apparent loss of all he ever held dear, he surrenders not to a transcendent Power that would transform all things for the highest good, but surrenders instead to despair, delirium, and death.

Aragorn, like Denethor, is merely a man. The difference between them lies in the fact that Aragorn, when tried, chooses the upward path. He likewise carries a limited ego personality, but chooses to place his trust in something greater. He sees his own faults and weaknesses; he doubts himself and dares not claim the throne before he has passed through the cleansing fires of purgatory in his life's journey up to and through the War of the Ring. His will to transcend ego and rein it in at every turn in favour of right action in the service of the One-in-All is what drives him to the completion of his noble destiny in spite of the frequent appearance of loss and impossibility. Having chosen the true Master within as his guide, he reaps the fruits of Spirit and embodies ever more the qualities of the Divine, chief among them being Power, Wisdom, and Love.

I don't think Aragorn was necessarily aware of all this in the terms I've used here. I have read somewhere that transformation is always unconscious while it is taking place; it's only in looking back that we can have a concept of it. His process was an unfolding, moment by moment. To examine one's own process intellectually is of limited use to the process itself. But it can be good to form a conceptual framework. Words are but the promise of Wisdom; experience of choices made and their consequences is the mechanism by which that promise is gradually fulfilled. We can begin by thinking the truth, recognizing it in the outer form of words, and progress toward Knowing by consistently endeavouring to live that truth.

I've been reading a few words of this nature from Joseph Benner's 1914 treatise The Impersonal Life. Written from an esoteric Christian perspective, it is as succinct and powerful a book concerning the nature of the Divine and how to approach it as I've ever encountered. I find it more accessible and readily applicable than his detailed guide to the Gnostic spiritual path, The Way to the Kingdom, which, of course, may also be useful to those earnestly seeking communion with God. Below are a couple of quotes selected from The Impersonal Life. The first ties in with this image of the King, and the second sheds a bit more light on the book's core message.

From what I have understood of this book, all paths are guided by and lead back to the One. All beings serve the One, whether their works be righteous or not. Yet the nature of one's path and the quality of one's experience are determined by one's choices of what to believe and how to act. To persist in error and cling to illusion is to prolong and multiply suffering, however profitable it might seem in the short term to the separated personality, however undesirable the truth may appear. An individual soul-being who insists on perpetuating disharmony and disease through embracing the falsehood of its own separation will, if it does not turn back, ultimately be cast into oblivion, perhaps to be recycled back to the level of consciousness of base matter with no free will whatsoever. That is my own speculation. But I have no desire to go that way to see what happens. I think most beings eventually are turned through the pressure of accumulated experience to the upward path, toward conscious, joyful Union with their Divine Source.

The fact is we are not separate from God and never have been. We have no will that is not an extension of Divine Will, no breath that is ours except by the breath of the Living God. It is only our thinking we are separate that subjectively makes it so for us. Because We are God, and God is all-powerful, and for God to think is to create, it is literally true that whatever we are, whatever position we are in, is entirely of our own creation. Not the creation of our personality, but the creation of God acting through our personality. To transcend personality is to access the Truth of who we are. From the Impersonal Source, Giver, and True Self of God alone can we hope to receive any Power, Wisdom, or Love. To the extent that we have proven ourselves capable and willing to use our gifts in selfless service to the Divine within us and in all beings, will we be granted further such gifts and a deeper communion with that Self. If we seek to use our gifts for personal gain, we reap only disaster and humiliation, that we might grow beyond such base desires and know what it was we really desired all along. The true Desire of the Soul is to be One with God, to be a pure vessel, a clear channel, and a perfect tool for the Heart, the Mind, and the Will of God. Therefore the Soul causes the personality to go through the painful process of realizing that it must yield; that it is not, as it imagines itself to be, the worthy ruler of its own existence, or anything close to self-sufficient in the hour of need. The true Master appears within only when the ego is subdued and properly prepared for its presence. The ego and its child, the intellect, must be silent ere the voice of the Master can be heard.

The King will return to the throne of the Self, that much is for certain. The question is, how much longer do we want to wait? Are we willing to do what it takes to see that day arrive for us? What if that day were tomorrow? Would that mean Life... or Death? A silly question, I beg your pardon. But in all seriousness, I know from my own humble experience that the Christ is there within us. It can reveal itself to us in whatever aspect or portion we are able to receive at the moment, if only we allow it to do so.

Soundtrack: Deep Forest - Boheme

A richly woven carpet of sand, reindeer lichen, heather, bilberry, lingonberry, pinecones and needles caresses my bare feet as I wend my way over the rises and falls of the forest floor. I marvel at the abundance of tiny, smoke-purple-winged butterflies in these high-summer woods, and taste the first bilberries of the season. I bury my face in the soft, fuzzy green leaves of a waist-high sapling and give thanks for the ever-loving, ever-giving nature of trees.

During my walk, I realize that this rebirthing that I'm going through is a continuous process. Little by little, that which is unreal within me dies away, so that the real can arise. Or, to put it another way, the power of the unreal over me diminishes as my awareness of it grows. I become more able to choose the real over the unreal. But this is all very vague and abstract.

In more specific terms, what I've gone through in recent days has been a painful stripping away of my denial of some very ugly aspects of myself. Narcissism. Hypocrisy. The list goes on. I begin to awaken to the full reality of the deep karmic debt which I've incurred in this life. The people I've treated as objects for ego gratification. The parasitical behaviour, taking everything that's offered and giving only when it's convenient. The refusal to take responsibility for my own situation and change it. The attitude that this world somehow owes me for being so alien to what I'd prefer it to be. The idea that I can just go on doing whatever I feel like with no regard for other human beings or the reality in which I live. Playing games to get what I want. Bending the truth, glossing over inconvenient facts. Gossiping behind people's backs. Using my spiritual and intellectual gifts as a cloak for all of the above, instead of truly devoting and applying them for the good of all beings. I've known all this on some level already, but it took two destroyed relationships in one day, and the frank rebuke of both individuals concerned, to finally break through my denial.

Whatever else this blog has been to those who read it, for me it's been a toy. A game. A diversion. All ego, with just enough Spirit to have some small justification for its existence. I've been playing a role that's only part of who I really am. And this idea that I'm on some kind of spiritual path, that's bullshit. I've done all that, it's not what I need to concern myself with in this life. I've got gifts, and I sure as hell ought to use them when the opportunity presents itself, but this monologue is the least of the ways I can do that. Practically insignificant.

If you want to talk about spiritual or esoteric topics with me, you're more than welcome to send me an email. Whatever insight I have to offer is at your disposal.

I've recently had the opportunity to begin reacquainting myself with my inborn energy-healing abilities. This is an area in which I see myself developing and being of service in the future.

I don't know what the future shape of this blog will be. I will leave it up, and I will post whatever I feel prompted to post, as I've always done. The blogs you see listed on the right are all excellent and worth checking out.

My immediate future appears to hold a trip to southern Spain. During my stay there I will get back into a balanced lifestyle and weigh my options for what to do next. I must ultimately follow my heart. Signs have seemed to be pointing to Africa, but that could just as well mean nothing. I expect to return to both Finland and Canada. I have karmic debts to repay in both places.

A new world is coming. At some point, some of us may find ourselves moving between different dimensions within that new world, or even between planets. All of us who survive will, in whatever capacity, contribute to building that new world. That new world is already here as a blueprint, waiting to be made manifest. The transition is ongoing. It began a long time ago. Everything is under control. There is no need to try to anticipate or stress over what's coming down the pike. All we need concern ourselves with is following the still, small voice within, making the sometimes drastic and difficult changes in our own lives that we need to make. You have a role that you came here to play. It's up to you to discover it and play it to the fullest. And the fact is, you will, whether you consciously decide to or not.

So I indulged in a little sermon after all. Take it as you will, or don't. It's a fart in a hurricane, a desperate cry to have my significance acknowledged. Don't encourage me and for heaven's sake, don't assume that I'm right. Listen to your own truth. It's inside you and nowhere else.

From here on in, I stick to what I know. If I do start spouting nonsense that I can't back up, I pray for someone to write me a comment saying the emperor has no clothes.



Blessings to all.

Over and out.

On the one hand, this is a superfluous entry, because I have nothing to say. But then, would that be so very different from any other entry? Anything in this blog actually worth the bits and pixels it takes up isn't from me, but merely passes through me on its way here from somewhere else. And I'll be first to call bullshit on that and admit that it's all ego, all the time... except for what isn't. Make sense? Good either way. It is what it is.

So I'm leaving everything I know behind in just a matter of days now. Certain details are probably best left unbroadcast in order not to attract the wrong kind of attention, but if I've got it coming, then there's nothing I can do to stop that either. "Irresponsible" and "reckless" would be the judgment pronounced upon me by most people, but I'm just doing what I have to do. Playing my part, from the heart. To do anything else would be unthinkable.

I've been doing a great deal of soul-searching, shining light on some deep, dark issues of the psyche. Issues of self-doubt versus self-confidence, intellect versus intuition, demanding versus allowing, my relationship with the Divine (most acutely with its Feminine aspect), and most confusing of all, sex. I have no idea how these issues are going to be resolved, or how quickly. It will be a natural process of unfolding, more likely longer than shorter. My impatience to be done with all these things helps not at all. And that's another issue in itself.

Self-acceptance, embracing the moment as the perfection that it is from the viewpoint of the Absolute... the presence of the One... gratitude and love. These are the things of which I must constantly re-mind myself. And quite often am re-minded through no effort of my own, but by the grace of God manifest in my life and in the world around me. A glorious sunset, arrayed like a masterpiece of Classical hyperreality and utterly indifferent to my petty thoughts of melancholy self-pity... little things, even insects, so full of significance. The invisible speaking through the visible, revealing itself moment by moment, piece by piece. I need this. I cannot live without it. And to live is to strive toward it.

To my old friends, I say thank you for all that we've been able to share. You'll always be with me in my heart, and I with you. To those new friends whom I have yet to meet, I welcome you in advance and look forward to the fun and the learning we will have together.

That's all for now. There will be more.

Anxiety piles on anxiety. Self-loathing festers and it seems all thought and action only makes it worse, like floundering in quicksand. The mind is a cacophonous sculpture of twisted blades all fighting for position, yet all pointing ultimately to failure and destruction. This is the fate of ego as it struggles in the face of what seems an utterly impossible situation. There is no solution, no right choice, only a series of unsatisfactory options each worse than the other. I can do nothing to save myself. The most I can do is to muster a fleeting moment of peace, gone almost before it arrives. The torment returns redoubled. Processing, prognosticating, all in vain... until there is nothing left but total surrender.

Deliver me, Lord, from this hell. Only you can save me now. Deliver me and I will depend only upon you and your loving merciful voice. Guide my soul. Deliver me. Give me strength. Deliver me. Give me peace. Deliver me. You are my life and my light. Deliver me from the darkness I have created.

From the deepest bottom of my heart and soul, I cry out to my father, my friend, my one and only god. There is nothing else. I fall into oblivion.

...And awaken.

A new day.

Peace. Presence. Knowing.

Just enough.

Gratitude for the grace.

This is how life goes on.

Dear friends, my brothers and sisters in humanity,

These are momentous days. I have a feeling that a great corner is being turned collectively. Can I be forgiven for making that call as an unqualified individual who sees only very little, the closest things around him and a few clues from the outside world? I hope so. In any case, it matters not what I think, but what is.

God is stirring (in) the hearts of men. I feel the call to awaken. It is so strong as to be undeniable, and in present time it must be heard by all in whom there is yet a spark of life, of soul and of spirit.

Evil deeds can no longer be hid. They are exposed in their fullness for all to see. The mass of them is as a blood-red blight rising to the surface of the ocean, threatening all with sickness and death. This dire circumstance is made manifest (reflected) in the physical realm so that we can identify it plainly in our hearts and finally come to the realization of where we went wrong and what we must do.

I find myself wondering if there's even any place for words now. Things are in motion, such dynamic and incredible motion, that there seems hardly to be any time for words anymore. It's just happening, and happening, and happening. Miracles and synchronicities are no longer just the spice of my life; they are becoming the very meat of it.

I am meeting people I would never have imagined meeting. I am riding a tremendous wave of events, things that need doing, expectations, and emotions. Time spent in analyzing it all just seems wasted. I can't afford to do more than just process things as they occur and commit myself ever more fully to the path I am on. All else must fall by the wayside. Time truly is speeding up. Stress levels are high, but I am coping. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like once things really get rolling, because this is just the prelude!!!

I'm on an epic threshold here, and if I'm not just imagining it, then the world may be in the same place as well.

How do you explain the fact that, on the night of Midsummer 2010, I meet, for the first time ever face to face, a person who understands everything? Everything I say makes sense to them and vice versa. How does that even happen??? It makes no sense to the rational, linear mind. It can only make sense in a quantum-leap-making, right-brain way of understanding, where like attracts like and the movements of the stars and planets correspond esoterically to the energies of probable events on Earth. Does it even need to make sense at all? It is what it is, and it is wonderful and full of beauty. Like all Creation.

I am seriously in danger of overwhelming myself here. (haha) Backing off. Going to sleep. Tomorrow's another (apocalyptically) intense, big motherf***ing day. See you around, and for Christ's sake, don't look back.

Peace. I'll be back here soon.

oh, you were young, and saw too much
hypocrisy you could not bear
and so you ran, you sought escape
from petty rules and hollow scripts
you turned from that which, until then
had nurtured you, provided hope
but hope was dashed upon the rocks
it seemed a lie, what else was there
but flight, surrender to what might
be found outside, in lawless world
a freedom, sure, and many things
that promised much, or so it seemed
you tasted love in many forms
for love was all you thought you'd need
your anchor, faith, security
(but music was your energy)
relationships dissatisfied
in course of time, it became clear
that something else was needed here
a sure foundation 'gainst the fear
of death, aloneness in your heart
no earthly view was any help
and so you thought of going back
you had a friend who bore your name
she spoke to you with humble grace
the words that you so longed to hear
and so you made the choice to walk
again the path you'd left and scorned
for now you saw its preciousness
a truth behind the human flaws
was something you could build upon
it brought you peace and lofty joy
but on that same auspicious day
another friend you gained in me
we knew each other from before
from many lives and thousand-years
I said, for that was how I felt
the moment I first saw your face
though such philosophies do reach
beyond the bounds approved by men
who place authority in tales
and moribund interpretations
of them, lacking relevance
to me and what I see as being
the core and essence of this life
which is to live it ever more
abundantly in consciousness
of all that is within, without
and learn to love with all one's heart
embrace what is, forgive the hurt
and see the unity of all
mankind, and nature with its mysteries
to be explored with joy sincere
and thankfulness for everything
but Spirit's message is the same
no matter what the form it takes
I have no fear that you would be
much led astray by falsity
I know the strength you bear in you
connected to that spark divine
that guides one to the truth in time
you need but listen to your heart
have faith and know that God is here
and will not fail in his support
and providence in all your days
no matter what you choose to make
your way, so long as it is something true
to what you are, so use your gifts
increase the beauty in this world
make music, laugh, and let your friends
know just how deeply they are loved
because it's not as easy here
below as when we're in our full
magnificence, when we can see
each other as we truly are
great beings of potent majesty
and wisdom deep, forever-high
it's sad that here we're bound so tight
in time, there never is enough
apparent opportunity
to say the things we'd like to say
but I would like for you to know
however short the time we have
to share together in this life
it matters not, for there are more
and infinitely greater ways
for friendship's steadfast boat to sail
the seas of universe so vast
it ends not here, we shall continue
in some other time and place
there will be music, this I know
the music dancing to the flow
of evermore and ever yes
to life and simple happiness

The end is near
This time next year
I will have found
My sacred ground
Which, though the Earth
At last gives birth
With tremors, shocks
She opes the locks
Of heaven, of hell
Commence to swell
And shift her skin
No fight to win
It keeps the ones
Who there shall come
Unscathed, unharmed
They will be armed
With wisdom, light
How to do right
Within them shines
For in these times
All souls achieve
What they believe
Their purpose means
Beyond the screen
Of 3-D life
Cuts like a knife
The vorpal blade
Through dream persuades
The play directs
And time bisects
This is no end
But here attend:
No soul shall lose
But all must choose
Their path to live
And die, and live
There are two Earths
The other first
Needs time to rest
Become her best
But she shall host
Eventually most
Of all who wake
At that daybreak
When their worst fears
Pass over clear
And mercy dawns
Their lives go on
In time, they ascend
To join their friends
On that first Earth
Their home of birth
A heavenly place
Of stars and grace
Where even time
Is turned sublime

God knows.

I don't.

If I were enlightened, this fact would not move me. I would simply accept it. But since I am not, I seek knowledge. And so I suffer. Needlessly? All for naught? What good has all my pitiful info-gathering and pondering ever done me? The only good I can see is that it gives me some idea, hazy though it is, of what's going on – but even that feels more a burden than an asset.

I'm whining. It's tiresome. I'll stop.

In actual fact, I know (and please don't ask me how I know) that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why I am in the position I'm in, which is once again at the end of my rope, fast approaching that inky blackness of uncertainty beyond the last circle of light, where all I can do is go on and trust that the next lamp will soon be alight, even if it's only a tiny glow-worm at my feet cheering me on.

How I have wished in these days for some measure of certitude, a clear revelation that would give me something concrete to rely on, beyond simple faith!

Someone suggested I retreat into a bare room for three days with only water for sustenance, and pray as hard as I can. Since I'd been meaning to do something like that for years, I decided to try it. What that wise and well-meaning person couldn't have known is that I have almost no mental discipline whatsoever. In those three days, my sporadic moments of spiritual fervidity added up to maybe a tenth of what I imagine would be required, were revelation to be had for the asking, given enough persistence. Be that as it may, I did not receive much more than what I put into the effort, despite a few instances of feeling rather close to possibly going somewhere grand. Through it all, the Divine in all its "supernatural" aspects remained as silent as ever. I wasn't surprised at that, but I was disappointed inside nonetheless.

(And proceeded to drink, smoke, and party until whatever purification those three days of fasting had effected was well and truly reversed. Base human nature is a goddamn marvel. Yup. Moving right along....)

What I came away with was a deeper understanding of myself, of just how much garbage there is to be cleared out between me now and a future me that could have a dialogue with the Creator on a personal, tangible level. Well, the garbage is one thing. The other thing is developing my spiritual muscles. That would include mental discipline. The shape I'm in now, any manifestation of God would probably destroy me just by engaging with me, hehe. Well, that's all speculation, really. Ego mind assuring itself of its own significance? Because God can do anything he or she wants. I believe that.

So if God can do anything, and everything happens for a reason, then this silence in itself is telling me to just keep working. What I do in the physical realm is no exception, it's an essential part of the whole work. Even the most mundane tasks belong to it. In fact, I sense that my habit of excessive daydreaming without any clear purpose being served is actually very detrimental, simply because it distracts me from doing stuff. Now, I know daydreaming is important in its own way. It's not the what, it's the how, and the when. I think I do my best daydreaming while engaged in some constructive physical activity. But just as important in the balance of things is to be able to stop that mental chatter and just focus.

Am I saying anything here? What am I trying to say? Come on, cut to the chase already. Yeah, this is the chatter. Stopping now.

What I also remembered in the end (before the binge), and I think this is the fundamental point this all came to, is that God is always present. In every thing and in every moment, and behind and between them all besides. Nothing can ever change that.

To me, that is a very comforting thought. And I will say no more.

What can I tell you? I have no answers. Though I have, through the murk, perceived many golden images of reflected truth, heard many stories from great minds that see further than I, all I can tell you is that I am here, now. So many theories, so many explanations, and none are definitive. All fall short of the truth, for they are but fragmented images, filled in with the conceits and fancies of the imagination. We stumble in the dark, we cannot see. We strive and strain for knowledge, but ever does wisdom elude us.

Some say we are evolving from the muck towards higher levels of being. Others say we are fallen gods, trapped by our inability to recognize and reclaim our own forgotten power. We live in oh, such special times – that oh, maybe aren't so special after all. The spirits, the sages, the secret teachings of all ages: we turn to them for help, and find that there is no one to follow. For to follow any one for too long is to stray into distraction. To make progress, we seek always to see beyond the next bend, to what remains hidden. And yet no progress is possible, all paths appear dead ends. Is there any hope of spiritual gain? Must we first abandon hope?

I will tell you what I know. I know that I am here, now. And, if there is any logic to the universe, I have a point of origin from which I emanate as my seeming self in time and space. By the power of divine will, by choice, by belief, and by agreement is this world made solid around me. I know that this is not my home, but that I chose to be here, to experience this incredible, immersive game in the most potent way possible. And so I appear to be contained, restrained, repressed, weakened, limited, blinded, maimed, diseased, trapped, confused, deceived, in pain, in need, and utterly, utterly lost. And yet... I am here, now. I am inside the illusion, far from home... and yet, home is where I am already, in that eternal state from whose bland absolutity I escaped by coming here to play. I know that even that scenario is just another story in a creation full of story. But it suits me at this moment.

What else is there but all that is?

I've heard it said, for what it's worth, that the truth won't set you free. First it'll piss you off, and then you'll realize that you were free all along. Make of that what you will.

I know that if I only knew, I'd know that I was free. And sometimes I feel it, like the fleeting touch of a distant memory. Freedom. And yet it is always there, just waiting to fill my awareness if I but choose to let it in.

This is the story of all stories. Choose yours with care, or have it chosen for you. Either way, it's your adventure. And at the end of it, should you choose to make an end, you'll find yourself back home and realize that you never even left. So, might as well make the most of it. Tell yourself a story worth the telling.

Some guy (presumably a guy – most Internet fruitcakes of this type seem to be male, for some reason) posted a provocative little comment over at Smoking Mirrors, basically a drive-by display of cracked intellect and inflated ego. To be honest, it's not what he says so much as the way he says it. But, since I am possessed of a rampant ego myself, I will take this opportunity to, well, not to strike back, since that's hardly necessary, but to say a few words on what might be taken as an object lesson from this example.

I didn't even know there were people today who believe in a flat Earth. The idea just seems ridiculous. But I got curious as to how such a belief might be propagated and what kind of evidence would be used in support of it. This BBC article on Flat Earth theorists (FETers) is a good introduction. To investigate a little deeper, I also visited the Flat Earth Society website and read a couple of forum threads debating FET. That was a bizarre little trip, but it got me thinking... what motivates people to adopt these kinds of theories into their belief system? How can they continue to hold their belief in the face of all the evidence and logic to the contrary?

I tend to think their motives are often emotional. There may be a deep desire to be right, and to belong to a small, exclusive club of people who are right, while everyone else is just wrong. Superiority complex, the need to be special. Or perhaps they start with a deep distrust of government and the establishment in general, and latch onto whatever theory to justify that. Paranoia. Some may partly lack the ability to draw the line between objective reality and the products of their own imaginations. Delusion. And then, I suppose, there could be people whose minds are just magnetically attracted to some particular oddball theory because they're simply wired that way. These are just a few obvious possibilities, I'm sure there are plenty more.

The trouble with this sort of thing is that once a mind, for whatever reason, has decided to believe something, no amount of rational argument can sway it from that belief until it's ready to let go. Moreover, as I've mentioned before, our beliefs about reality shape our experience of it to a very large degree. So even though we all reside in one collective reality, an individual person can literally be living in their own world quite far removed from the general consensus. Their inner orientation, their outer focus, and their interpretive processing between the two form a self-reinforcing feedback loop. This is why, when one studies external phenomena to try to form a model of the system, it's so important to be conscious of one's own emotional investments and to consciously avoid letting them get in the way of discovering truth.

I'll say this right now: I'm not a left-brain thinker. I can operate in that mode, and I can appreciate a good train of logic, but I usually prefer a more organic way of thinking, relying on intuition first, then the intellect. This way has served me well in my search for truth. The ability to discern grows with practice.

I've already expended more words on this than I'd otherwise like to. The reason I did is not because I assume people are stupid, but because of something I'm working on that warrants a little bit of thought in this vein, just as a prelude. There's a difference between a reality-challenged conspiracy “theorist” and someone who honestly looks into things to try to find what's really there without jumping to unfounded conclusions. That's all. And I'm not claiming that these guys are the real deal, that you should believe anything they say just because they've done a bunch of research and they're “the experts.” God forbid. No, my intent with this video transcript, which I hope to finish soon, is to hopefully just bring someone who hasn't considered such things before to say, “Hmm. That's interesting. Maybe there's something there. I think I'll look into that and see if there's any truth to it.” Little seeds.

One last thing. I may just be fatigued from blogging so much this month, but I feel like the focus here may shift more towards poetry, at least once I pull up stakes in a few weeks and head out into the wide world. My prose is starting to feel dry to me, too many words, not enough of the good home flavour. So we'll see where this goes. Inspiration, stay close! Guide my hands and guide my feet.

Au revoir.

Everyone has their own idea of what's going on, where we are, how we got here, what we face in the future. There's a thread of apocalypticism that seems to crop up everywhere. That thread, especially as woven in the mass media, is often heavily tinged with fear and fantasy, based on vague or shallow understanding. It becomes easy to either dismiss such thoughtforms altogether and continue to imagine that everything will keep going on pretty much as it has been, or else to get all caught up in the smoke-and-mirrors funhouse version of Circus Apocalypticus. The Tunnel of Doom can be a compelling ride, and there's no end of terrifying and disturbing sights and sounds to keep that dark thrill of fear and despair churning inside. That's to be expected. We are, after all, in a realm of appearances. We each see our own subconscious shadows playing out on the screen, along with the beauty of our divine nature, in whatever measure is appropriate to our individual need and choice, moment by moment.

Objectively, nothing I say here matters a whit. Nor does it matter what I believe nor what anyone else believes. Nevertheless, here inside the fractal symphony of subjective experience, under the prime illusion of separation, each part has its own specific role to play. Regarding the need for self-expression, I recall these words from a song I learned in elementary school, the Rainbow Song:

Listen with your eyes
listen with your eyes
and sing everything you see.

I write, not because I believe it will make any difference, but because I am compelled and moved to do so by my innermost heart. At this moment, it's what I'm here to do. And so I do my best to let that innermost heart get a word in, through all the posturings and ramblings of my limited ego self.

I had a deep discussion with a friend yesterday about the economic crisis. Our views turned out to be pretty similar, although we had enough differences of opinion to make the conversation lively and interesting. His understanding at this time doesn't incorporate what could be called “conspiracy theory,” in that he doesn't see our debt-based monetary system as being inherently flawed to begin with, whereas I do. But all such conclusions are only tentative, subject to change in the presence of new information that would challenge us to see more. I voiced my understanding, in such part as I felt appropriate, but didn't turn it into a debate. There wasn't enough of a common background of information to be able to get into (what I see as) the more hidden, engineered aspects of the situation. I wasn't there to persuade him of my view, but rather to just share thoughts and have a mutually agreeable and enriching moment of human contact.

Our other major topic of discussion was one on which I've never even formed much of an opinion: the potential for an existential threat to humanity arising from the birth of an artificial intelligence beyond our capacity to control. To me, that subject has been more in the realm of thought-provoking science fiction than any plausible, actual future. To him, it is perhaps the gravest problem we face, given, of course, that something else doesn't come along first and render the question moot. In essence, the solution would be to prepare for that scenario in advance by somehow ensuring that if and when such an uncontrollable intelligence is born, it will be of such a nature as to allow for the (humanly tolerable) long-term survival of our species.

I've taken in enough science fiction to have a basic idea of the range of imagined future scenarios concerning humans vs. AI. Peaceful coexistence via hard-wired Laws for robots and a general ethical treatment towards them on the part of humans, as envisioned by Asimov, seems to me perhaps a little premature and idealistic, given the sad state of the human psyche and the unpredictability of self-directed evolution. Based on our historical record, the vision of the Terminator films would seem more realistic. But both of these scenarios presuppose the development of AI continuing forward from the present day without interruption. So the more immediate hurdles, I would say, are the existential threat posed by unenlightened mankind to itself, and the very real possibility of cataclysmic Earth changes, abundantly prognosticated by modern science and prophesied by ancient traditions passed down from the survivors of the last global extinction-level event.

I'm a big fan of the Matrix films. They depict a human race struggling for freedom from the dominance of machine intelligence in a war that is not only physical, but essentially psychological and spiritual. To me, the Matrix story is less a probable future scenario than it is an allegorical tale about where we are now. The machines are an externalized manifestation of the egoic mind, which can never know God but is preoccupied with material things. This machine intelligence creates a virtual reality, a literal prison for humanity, in which the vast majority live out their lives unaware. As an enslaved human begins to awaken, this matrix reality appears increasingly “wrong,” and they question just how real it all is, what greater truth might lie beyond these appearances.

In the real world (grin), awakening is a multi-layered process. The exact route by which it happens is, of course, unique to each person. For many, the first layer is the manufactured and distorted version of reality portrayed by television and other forms of mass media. Entertainment on this lowest end of the spectrum is typically hypnotic, banal, debased, and void of higher meaning. At some point, it becomes clear that, at its root, this is all intentionally so. It's not just because these corporations cater to the lowest common denominator to make more money. Facts and questions that go outside a particular box are actively marginalized and suppressed.

As I write, right now, the time is 9:11 PM. I suppose I'll take that as a hint. (grin)

My friend is as yet unconvinced that the events of 9-11-2001 were brought about and/or facilitated by elements within the U.S. government and U.S. intelligence (although he doesn't deny the possibility). From the perspective of one who became convinced several years ago, I would say that that position stems mainly from a lack of awareness of the vast body of credible evidence, an unwillingness to believe that such evil could lurk so strongly in such high positions of power, or both. Of course, there is also the fear of being pejoratively labeled a “conspiracy nut,” but for anyone determined to find the truth, wherever the evidence may lead, that should be of no concern. Rest assured: despite what the corporate media would have us believe, being on the side of “9-11 truth” does not translate into being an extremist or a crazy person. I shouldn't have to say that, but there it is. The real problem, of course, is that once you accept a “Truther” version of 9-11, it opens up a Pandora's box of other shit. Shit that a lot of people just don't want to touch, no matter what. They would rather not know, because knowing would mean an end to the dream with which they are so comfortable, a dream into which certain harsh big-picture realities simply do not fit.

As always, the wisest position is the only one of which there can be certainty: “I don't know.” Everything we think we know is based on perception, and our perception is, by its nature, limited. Despite what I've said here about awakening, I don't consider myself to be awake at all. I am still dreaming, just like everyone else here, although less deeply than some. All that means is that I'm standing in a different place, somewhere between the crowded center and the rarefied outermost fringes of our collective reality. I like it here. I'm in good company. But it would be terribly boring if everybody were in the same place. Regardless of where we are in relation to each other, we can interact and become the richer for it. We're all teachers, and we're all students.

Anyway, that's all incidental to the real truth, which is... we're not separate. It only seems like we are, because that's the only way we can do what we're here to do, and that's... to learn about love. To really learn, we had to step into an illusion where love is not absolute and unconditional, where we suffer and die and long for what we seemingly lost when the universe began. Our journey here is not in vain. It is part of a Great Work in progress. By our choices, we can either prolong or hasten that Great Work in ourselves. We cling to our illusions as long as we can, but little by little they fall away. Our vision expands and brightens. We experience love in all its forms, including all the manifestations of its absence and distortion. And at the end, we are all reunited with the essence from which we came and which attracts all things back unto itself for the glorious, unimaginably grand after-party of all Time.

But to answer the question... hell, I don't know. You're asking me???