God knows.
I don't.
If I were enlightened, this fact would not move me. I would simply accept it. But since I am not, I seek knowledge. And so I suffer. Needlessly? All for naught? What good has all my pitiful info-gathering and pondering ever done me? The only good I can see is that it gives me some idea, hazy though it is, of what's going on – but even that feels more a burden than an asset.
I'm whining. It's tiresome. I'll stop.
In actual fact, I know (and please don't ask me
how I know) that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why I am in the position I'm in, which is once again at the end of my rope, fast approaching that inky blackness of uncertainty beyond the last circle of light, where all I can do is go on and trust that the next lamp will soon be alight, even if it's only a tiny glow-worm at my feet cheering me on.
How I have wished in these days for some measure of certitude, a clear revelation that would give me something concrete to rely on, beyond simple faith!
Someone suggested I retreat into a bare room for three days with only water for sustenance, and pray as hard as I can. Since I'd been meaning to do something like that for years, I decided to try it. What that wise and well-meaning person couldn't have known is that I have almost no mental discipline whatsoever. In those three days, my sporadic moments of spiritual fervidity added up to maybe a tenth of what I imagine would be required, were revelation to be had for the asking, given enough persistence. Be that as it may, I did not receive much more than what I put into the effort, despite a few instances of feeling rather close to
possibly going somewhere grand. Through it all, the Divine in all its "supernatural" aspects remained as silent as ever. I wasn't surprised at that, but I was disappointed inside nonetheless.
(And proceeded to drink, smoke, and party until whatever purification those three days of fasting had effected was well and truly reversed. Base human nature is a goddamn marvel. Yup. Moving right along....)
What I came away with was a deeper understanding of myself, of just how much garbage there is to be cleared out between me now and a future me that could have a dialogue with the Creator on a personal, tangible level. Well, the garbage is one thing. The other thing is developing my spiritual muscles. That would include mental discipline. The shape I'm in now, any manifestation of God would probably destroy me just by engaging with me, hehe. Well, that's all speculation, really. Ego mind assuring itself of its own significance? Because God can do anything he or she wants. I believe that.
So if God can do anything, and everything happens for a reason, then this silence in itself is telling me to just keep working. What I do in the physical realm is no exception, it's an essential part of the whole work. Even the most mundane tasks belong to it. In fact, I sense that my habit of excessive daydreaming without any clear purpose being served is actually very detrimental, simply because it distracts me from doing stuff. Now, I know daydreaming is important in its own way. It's not the what, it's the how, and the when. I think I do my best daydreaming while engaged in some constructive physical activity. But just as important in the balance of things is to be able to stop that mental chatter and just focus.
Am I saying anything here? What am I trying to say? Come on, cut to the chase already. Yeah, this is the chatter. Stopping now.
What I also remembered in the end (before the binge), and I think this is the fundamental point this all came to, is that
God is always present. In every thing and in every moment, and behind and between them all besides. Nothing can ever change that.
To me, that is a very comforting thought. And I will say no more.
