Solving the Problem of Ego
Thursday, June 18, 2009 by the BCth
I was going to write an entry yesterday, but found myself up against an impossibility. The problem was one that crops up time and again: the nature of ego. In starting this blog, I was (I believe) following my heart, doing something that I needed to do and was guided to do. However, when it came time to create content, I was paralyzed by twin voices of my ego: puffed-up self-importance and crushing self-criticism.
I am the center of my reality - or, more precisely, the perceived I is at the center of my perceived reality - so it is extremely easy, when considering myself in relation to the world at large, for the ego to begin concocting grandiose notions of my own significance. That then leads to exaggerated expectations and pressure to perform, followed by the realization that of course I can't measure up to that. I was crazy to think I could. Who am I to think that I, such a latecomer and minor-league player, a mere nobody, might have anything to offer that might make an iota of difference? What's so special about me? Of course, humility is needed, the sense of one's own specialness should be tempered with detached objectivity and realism. But the ego loves to play victim.
So it's been a little over 24 hours. I wrote a cathartic piece on my older blog, and that helped a little. I got a good night's sleep. This evening, just before writing this, I did a light workout and listened to an alpha-frequency brainwave entrainment MP3 to help me meditate. (I don't meditate or exercise nearly enough!)
I know how important it is, for the path I'm on and the things I want to write about, to overcome the traps of ego consciousness. So the conscious inner work on myself is really a prerequisite, and not only because of that "issue." I have a lot of issues, including some really big ones. But that's OK. I will do my best regardless.
I wasn't expecting to be this slow getting started, but I think quality is a higher priority than speed, anyway. To whoever out there is feeling the suspense or whatever, just relax. (I dunno who that would be, but I thought I'd cover that base.) All in god time. OMG typo. ;)
Back soon, I hope. Mustn't stay up too late, although I'm afraid it's already much past my bedtime. Bad BCth, bad. Eh, I blame these light nordic summer nights.
I am the center of my reality - or, more precisely, the perceived I is at the center of my perceived reality - so it is extremely easy, when considering myself in relation to the world at large, for the ego to begin concocting grandiose notions of my own significance. That then leads to exaggerated expectations and pressure to perform, followed by the realization that of course I can't measure up to that. I was crazy to think I could. Who am I to think that I, such a latecomer and minor-league player, a mere nobody, might have anything to offer that might make an iota of difference? What's so special about me? Of course, humility is needed, the sense of one's own specialness should be tempered with detached objectivity and realism. But the ego loves to play victim.
So it's been a little over 24 hours. I wrote a cathartic piece on my older blog, and that helped a little. I got a good night's sleep. This evening, just before writing this, I did a light workout and listened to an alpha-frequency brainwave entrainment MP3 to help me meditate. (I don't meditate or exercise nearly enough!)
I know how important it is, for the path I'm on and the things I want to write about, to overcome the traps of ego consciousness. So the conscious inner work on myself is really a prerequisite, and not only because of that "issue." I have a lot of issues, including some really big ones. But that's OK. I will do my best regardless.
I wasn't expecting to be this slow getting started, but I think quality is a higher priority than speed, anyway. To whoever out there is feeling the suspense or whatever, just relax. (I dunno who that would be, but I thought I'd cover that base.) All in god time. OMG typo. ;)
Back soon, I hope. Mustn't stay up too late, although I'm afraid it's already much past my bedtime. Bad BCth, bad. Eh, I blame these light nordic summer nights.
