Limits of an Infinite Self

Professor Tolkien never intended his saga of Middle-Earth as an allegory of our world. He did, however, hope it would be applicable towards discovering something of the nature of this world and ourselves.

I am no literary scholar, but I can spot an archetype when it's highlighted in no less than the title of a book. Return of the King portrays many archetypes, but the one that concerns me most at this time is the inner meaning of the titular exile-King's return to the throne of the world of Men. No doubt much has already been written on the subject, but as I said, I am no scholar. I will merely tell what I can perceive: that the restoration of the true King's authority, over the resistance of the Steward, speaks directly to the most fundamental conflict of human existence: the personal self of ego-consciousness versus the ultimate supremacy of the Impersonal Self of God-consciousness.

Denethor, Steward of Gondor, embodies many qualities typical of the ego. In fact, he is entirely ruled by it, by the illusion of separateness it engenders, and by the fear that is its fundamental first fruit. He is a prisoner of his own limited thinking; he knows neither true love nor true peace. His faith in appearances hinders him from awakening to the Truth behind appearances; and so he can never have true faith. In the face of the apparent loss of all he ever held dear, he surrenders not to a transcendent Power that would transform all things for the highest good, but surrenders instead to despair, delirium, and death.

Aragorn, like Denethor, is merely a man. The difference between them lies in the fact that Aragorn, when tried, chooses the upward path. He likewise carries a limited ego personality, but chooses to place his trust in something greater. He sees his own faults and weaknesses; he doubts himself and dares not claim the throne before he has passed through the cleansing fires of purgatory in his life's journey up to and through the War of the Ring. His will to transcend ego and rein it in at every turn in favour of right action in the service of the One-in-All is what drives him to the completion of his noble destiny in spite of the frequent appearance of loss and impossibility. Having chosen the true Master within as his guide, he reaps the fruits of Spirit and embodies ever more the qualities of the Divine, chief among them being Power, Wisdom, and Love.

I don't think Aragorn was necessarily aware of all this in the terms I've used here. I have read somewhere that transformation is always unconscious while it is taking place; it's only in looking back that we can have a concept of it. His process was an unfolding, moment by moment. To examine one's own process intellectually is of limited use to the process itself. But it can be good to form a conceptual framework. Words are but the promise of Wisdom; experience of choices made and their consequences is the mechanism by which that promise is gradually fulfilled. We can begin by thinking the truth, recognizing it in the outer form of words, and progress toward Knowing by consistently endeavouring to live that truth.

I've been reading a few words of this nature from Joseph Benner's 1914 treatise The Impersonal Life. Written from an esoteric Christian perspective, it is as succinct and powerful a book concerning the nature of the Divine and how to approach it as I've ever encountered. I find it more accessible and readily applicable than his detailed guide to the Gnostic spiritual path, The Way to the Kingdom, which, of course, may also be useful to those earnestly seeking communion with God. Below are a couple of quotes selected from The Impersonal Life. The first ties in with this image of the King, and the second sheds a bit more light on the book's core message.

From what I have understood of this book, all paths are guided by and lead back to the One. All beings serve the One, whether their works be righteous or not. Yet the nature of one's path and the quality of one's experience are determined by one's choices of what to believe and how to act. To persist in error and cling to illusion is to prolong and multiply suffering, however profitable it might seem in the short term to the separated personality, however undesirable the truth may appear. An individual soul-being who insists on perpetuating disharmony and disease through embracing the falsehood of its own separation will, if it does not turn back, ultimately be cast into oblivion, perhaps to be recycled back to the level of consciousness of base matter with no free will whatsoever. That is my own speculation. But I have no desire to go that way to see what happens. I think most beings eventually are turned through the pressure of accumulated experience to the upward path, toward conscious, joyful Union with their Divine Source.

The fact is we are not separate from God and never have been. We have no will that is not an extension of Divine Will, no breath that is ours except by the breath of the Living God. It is only our thinking we are separate that subjectively makes it so for us. Because We are God, and God is all-powerful, and for God to think is to create, it is literally true that whatever we are, whatever position we are in, is entirely of our own creation. Not the creation of our personality, but the creation of God acting through our personality. To transcend personality is to access the Truth of who we are. From the Impersonal Source, Giver, and True Self of God alone can we hope to receive any Power, Wisdom, or Love. To the extent that we have proven ourselves capable and willing to use our gifts in selfless service to the Divine within us and in all beings, will we be granted further such gifts and a deeper communion with that Self. If we seek to use our gifts for personal gain, we reap only disaster and humiliation, that we might grow beyond such base desires and know what it was we really desired all along. The true Desire of the Soul is to be One with God, to be a pure vessel, a clear channel, and a perfect tool for the Heart, the Mind, and the Will of God. Therefore the Soul causes the personality to go through the painful process of realizing that it must yield; that it is not, as it imagines itself to be, the worthy ruler of its own existence, or anything close to self-sufficient in the hour of need. The true Master appears within only when the ego is subdued and properly prepared for its presence. The ego and its child, the intellect, must be silent ere the voice of the Master can be heard.

The King will return to the throne of the Self, that much is for certain. The question is, how much longer do we want to wait? Are we willing to do what it takes to see that day arrive for us? What if that day were tomorrow? Would that mean Life... or Death? A silly question, I beg your pardon. But in all seriousness, I know from my own humble experience that the Christ is there within us. It can reveal itself to us in whatever aspect or portion we are able to receive at the moment, if only we allow it to do so.

Soundtrack: Deep Forest - Boheme

A richly woven carpet of sand, reindeer lichen, heather, bilberry, lingonberry, pinecones and needles caresses my bare feet as I wend my way over the rises and falls of the forest floor. I marvel at the abundance of tiny, smoke-purple-winged butterflies in these high-summer woods, and taste the first bilberries of the season. I bury my face in the soft, fuzzy green leaves of a waist-high sapling and give thanks for the ever-loving, ever-giving nature of trees.

During my walk, I realize that this rebirthing that I'm going through is a continuous process. Little by little, that which is unreal within me dies away, so that the real can arise. Or, to put it another way, the power of the unreal over me diminishes as my awareness of it grows. I become more able to choose the real over the unreal. But this is all very vague and abstract.

In more specific terms, what I've gone through in recent days has been a painful stripping away of my denial of some very ugly aspects of myself. Narcissism. Hypocrisy. The list goes on. I begin to awaken to the full reality of the deep karmic debt which I've incurred in this life. The people I've treated as objects for ego gratification. The parasitical behaviour, taking everything that's offered and giving only when it's convenient. The refusal to take responsibility for my own situation and change it. The attitude that this world somehow owes me for being so alien to what I'd prefer it to be. The idea that I can just go on doing whatever I feel like with no regard for other human beings or the reality in which I live. Playing games to get what I want. Bending the truth, glossing over inconvenient facts. Gossiping behind people's backs. Using my spiritual and intellectual gifts as a cloak for all of the above, instead of truly devoting and applying them for the good of all beings. I've known all this on some level already, but it took two destroyed relationships in one day, and the frank rebuke of both individuals concerned, to finally break through my denial.

Whatever else this blog has been to those who read it, for me it's been a toy. A game. A diversion. All ego, with just enough Spirit to have some small justification for its existence. I've been playing a role that's only part of who I really am. And this idea that I'm on some kind of spiritual path, that's bullshit. I've done all that, it's not what I need to concern myself with in this life. I've got gifts, and I sure as hell ought to use them when the opportunity presents itself, but this monologue is the least of the ways I can do that. Practically insignificant.

If you want to talk about spiritual or esoteric topics with me, you're more than welcome to send me an email. Whatever insight I have to offer is at your disposal.

I've recently had the opportunity to begin reacquainting myself with my inborn energy-healing abilities. This is an area in which I see myself developing and being of service in the future.

I don't know what the future shape of this blog will be. I will leave it up, and I will post whatever I feel prompted to post, as I've always done. The blogs you see listed on the right are all excellent and worth checking out.

My immediate future appears to hold a trip to southern Spain. During my stay there I will get back into a balanced lifestyle and weigh my options for what to do next. I must ultimately follow my heart. Signs have seemed to be pointing to Africa, but that could just as well mean nothing. I expect to return to both Finland and Canada. I have karmic debts to repay in both places.

A new world is coming. At some point, some of us may find ourselves moving between different dimensions within that new world, or even between planets. All of us who survive will, in whatever capacity, contribute to building that new world. That new world is already here as a blueprint, waiting to be made manifest. The transition is ongoing. It began a long time ago. Everything is under control. There is no need to try to anticipate or stress over what's coming down the pike. All we need concern ourselves with is following the still, small voice within, making the sometimes drastic and difficult changes in our own lives that we need to make. You have a role that you came here to play. It's up to you to discover it and play it to the fullest. And the fact is, you will, whether you consciously decide to or not.

So I indulged in a little sermon after all. Take it as you will, or don't. It's a fart in a hurricane, a desperate cry to have my significance acknowledged. Don't encourage me and for heaven's sake, don't assume that I'm right. Listen to your own truth. It's inside you and nowhere else.

From here on in, I stick to what I know. If I do start spouting nonsense that I can't back up, I pray for someone to write me a comment saying the emperor has no clothes.



Blessings to all.

Over and out.

On the one hand, this is a superfluous entry, because I have nothing to say. But then, would that be so very different from any other entry? Anything in this blog actually worth the bits and pixels it takes up isn't from me, but merely passes through me on its way here from somewhere else. And I'll be first to call bullshit on that and admit that it's all ego, all the time... except for what isn't. Make sense? Good either way. It is what it is.

So I'm leaving everything I know behind in just a matter of days now. Certain details are probably best left unbroadcast in order not to attract the wrong kind of attention, but if I've got it coming, then there's nothing I can do to stop that either. "Irresponsible" and "reckless" would be the judgment pronounced upon me by most people, but I'm just doing what I have to do. Playing my part, from the heart. To do anything else would be unthinkable.

I've been doing a great deal of soul-searching, shining light on some deep, dark issues of the psyche. Issues of self-doubt versus self-confidence, intellect versus intuition, demanding versus allowing, my relationship with the Divine (most acutely with its Feminine aspect), and most confusing of all, sex. I have no idea how these issues are going to be resolved, or how quickly. It will be a natural process of unfolding, more likely longer than shorter. My impatience to be done with all these things helps not at all. And that's another issue in itself.

Self-acceptance, embracing the moment as the perfection that it is from the viewpoint of the Absolute... the presence of the One... gratitude and love. These are the things of which I must constantly re-mind myself. And quite often am re-minded through no effort of my own, but by the grace of God manifest in my life and in the world around me. A glorious sunset, arrayed like a masterpiece of Classical hyperreality and utterly indifferent to my petty thoughts of melancholy self-pity... little things, even insects, so full of significance. The invisible speaking through the visible, revealing itself moment by moment, piece by piece. I need this. I cannot live without it. And to live is to strive toward it.

To my old friends, I say thank you for all that we've been able to share. You'll always be with me in my heart, and I with you. To those new friends whom I have yet to meet, I welcome you in advance and look forward to the fun and the learning we will have together.

That's all for now. There will be more.

Anxiety piles on anxiety. Self-loathing festers and it seems all thought and action only makes it worse, like floundering in quicksand. The mind is a cacophonous sculpture of twisted blades all fighting for position, yet all pointing ultimately to failure and destruction. This is the fate of ego as it struggles in the face of what seems an utterly impossible situation. There is no solution, no right choice, only a series of unsatisfactory options each worse than the other. I can do nothing to save myself. The most I can do is to muster a fleeting moment of peace, gone almost before it arrives. The torment returns redoubled. Processing, prognosticating, all in vain... until there is nothing left but total surrender.

Deliver me, Lord, from this hell. Only you can save me now. Deliver me and I will depend only upon you and your loving merciful voice. Guide my soul. Deliver me. Give me strength. Deliver me. Give me peace. Deliver me. You are my life and my light. Deliver me from the darkness I have created.

From the deepest bottom of my heart and soul, I cry out to my father, my friend, my one and only god. There is nothing else. I fall into oblivion.

...And awaken.

A new day.

Peace. Presence. Knowing.

Just enough.

Gratitude for the grace.

This is how life goes on.

Dear friends, my brothers and sisters in humanity,

These are momentous days. I have a feeling that a great corner is being turned collectively. Can I be forgiven for making that call as an unqualified individual who sees only very little, the closest things around him and a few clues from the outside world? I hope so. In any case, it matters not what I think, but what is.

God is stirring (in) the hearts of men. I feel the call to awaken. It is so strong as to be undeniable, and in present time it must be heard by all in whom there is yet a spark of life, of soul and of spirit.

Evil deeds can no longer be hid. They are exposed in their fullness for all to see. The mass of them is as a blood-red blight rising to the surface of the ocean, threatening all with sickness and death. This dire circumstance is made manifest (reflected) in the physical realm so that we can identify it plainly in our hearts and finally come to the realization of where we went wrong and what we must do.

I find myself wondering if there's even any place for words now. Things are in motion, such dynamic and incredible motion, that there seems hardly to be any time for words anymore. It's just happening, and happening, and happening. Miracles and synchronicities are no longer just the spice of my life; they are becoming the very meat of it.

I am meeting people I would never have imagined meeting. I am riding a tremendous wave of events, things that need doing, expectations, and emotions. Time spent in analyzing it all just seems wasted. I can't afford to do more than just process things as they occur and commit myself ever more fully to the path I am on. All else must fall by the wayside. Time truly is speeding up. Stress levels are high, but I am coping. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like once things really get rolling, because this is just the prelude!!!

I'm on an epic threshold here, and if I'm not just imagining it, then the world may be in the same place as well.

How do you explain the fact that, on the night of Midsummer 2010, I meet, for the first time ever face to face, a person who understands everything? Everything I say makes sense to them and vice versa. How does that even happen??? It makes no sense to the rational, linear mind. It can only make sense in a quantum-leap-making, right-brain way of understanding, where like attracts like and the movements of the stars and planets correspond esoterically to the energies of probable events on Earth. Does it even need to make sense at all? It is what it is, and it is wonderful and full of beauty. Like all Creation.

I am seriously in danger of overwhelming myself here. (haha) Backing off. Going to sleep. Tomorrow's another (apocalyptically) intense, big motherf***ing day. See you around, and for Christ's sake, don't look back.

Peace. I'll be back here soon.

oh, you were young, and saw too much
hypocrisy you could not bear
and so you ran, you sought escape
from petty rules and hollow scripts
you turned from that which, until then
had nurtured you, provided hope
but hope was dashed upon the rocks
it seemed a lie, what else was there
but flight, surrender to what might
be found outside, in lawless world
a freedom, sure, and many things
that promised much, or so it seemed
you tasted love in many forms
for love was all you thought you'd need
your anchor, faith, security
(but music was your energy)
relationships dissatisfied
in course of time, it became clear
that something else was needed here
a sure foundation 'gainst the fear
of death, aloneness in your heart
no earthly view was any help
and so you thought of going back
you had a friend who bore your name
she spoke to you with humble grace
the words that you so longed to hear
and so you made the choice to walk
again the path you'd left and scorned
for now you saw its preciousness
a truth behind the human flaws
was something you could build upon
it brought you peace and lofty joy
but on that same auspicious day
another friend you gained in me
we knew each other from before
from many lives and thousand-years
I said, for that was how I felt
the moment I first saw your face
though such philosophies do reach
beyond the bounds approved by men
who place authority in tales
and moribund interpretations
of them, lacking relevance
to me and what I see as being
the core and essence of this life
which is to live it ever more
abundantly in consciousness
of all that is within, without
and learn to love with all one's heart
embrace what is, forgive the hurt
and see the unity of all
mankind, and nature with its mysteries
to be explored with joy sincere
and thankfulness for everything
but Spirit's message is the same
no matter what the form it takes
I have no fear that you would be
much led astray by falsity
I know the strength you bear in you
connected to that spark divine
that guides one to the truth in time
you need but listen to your heart
have faith and know that God is here
and will not fail in his support
and providence in all your days
no matter what you choose to make
your way, so long as it is something true
to what you are, so use your gifts
increase the beauty in this world
make music, laugh, and let your friends
know just how deeply they are loved
because it's not as easy here
below as when we're in our full
magnificence, when we can see
each other as we truly are
great beings of potent majesty
and wisdom deep, forever-high
it's sad that here we're bound so tight
in time, there never is enough
apparent opportunity
to say the things we'd like to say
but I would like for you to know
however short the time we have
to share together in this life
it matters not, for there are more
and infinitely greater ways
for friendship's steadfast boat to sail
the seas of universe so vast
it ends not here, we shall continue
in some other time and place
there will be music, this I know
the music dancing to the flow
of evermore and ever yes
to life and simple happiness

The end is near
This time next year
I will have found
My sacred ground
Which, though the Earth
At last gives birth
With tremors, shocks
She opes the locks
Of heaven, of hell
Commence to swell
And shift her skin
No fight to win
It keeps the ones
Who there shall come
Unscathed, unharmed
They will be armed
With wisdom, light
How to do right
Within them shines
For in these times
All souls achieve
What they believe
Their purpose means
Beyond the screen
Of 3-D life
Cuts like a knife
The vorpal blade
Through dream persuades
The play directs
And time bisects
This is no end
But here attend:
No soul shall lose
But all must choose
Their path to live
And die, and live
There are two Earths
The other first
Needs time to rest
Become her best
But she shall host
Eventually most
Of all who wake
At that daybreak
When their worst fears
Pass over clear
And mercy dawns
Their lives go on
In time, they ascend
To join their friends
On that first Earth
Their home of birth
A heavenly place
Of stars and grace
Where even time
Is turned sublime

God knows.

I don't.

If I were enlightened, this fact would not move me. I would simply accept it. But since I am not, I seek knowledge. And so I suffer. Needlessly? All for naught? What good has all my pitiful info-gathering and pondering ever done me? The only good I can see is that it gives me some idea, hazy though it is, of what's going on – but even that feels more a burden than an asset.

I'm whining. It's tiresome. I'll stop.

In actual fact, I know (and please don't ask me how I know) that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why I am in the position I'm in, which is once again at the end of my rope, fast approaching that inky blackness of uncertainty beyond the last circle of light, where all I can do is go on and trust that the next lamp will soon be alight, even if it's only a tiny glow-worm at my feet cheering me on.

How I have wished in these days for some measure of certitude, a clear revelation that would give me something concrete to rely on, beyond simple faith!

Someone suggested I retreat into a bare room for three days with only water for sustenance, and pray as hard as I can. Since I'd been meaning to do something like that for years, I decided to try it. What that wise and well-meaning person couldn't have known is that I have almost no mental discipline whatsoever. In those three days, my sporadic moments of spiritual fervidity added up to maybe a tenth of what I imagine would be required, were revelation to be had for the asking, given enough persistence. Be that as it may, I did not receive much more than what I put into the effort, despite a few instances of feeling rather close to possibly going somewhere grand. Through it all, the Divine in all its "supernatural" aspects remained as silent as ever. I wasn't surprised at that, but I was disappointed inside nonetheless.

(And proceeded to drink, smoke, and party until whatever purification those three days of fasting had effected was well and truly reversed. Base human nature is a goddamn marvel. Yup. Moving right along....)

What I came away with was a deeper understanding of myself, of just how much garbage there is to be cleared out between me now and a future me that could have a dialogue with the Creator on a personal, tangible level. Well, the garbage is one thing. The other thing is developing my spiritual muscles. That would include mental discipline. The shape I'm in now, any manifestation of God would probably destroy me just by engaging with me, hehe. Well, that's all speculation, really. Ego mind assuring itself of its own significance? Because God can do anything he or she wants. I believe that.

So if God can do anything, and everything happens for a reason, then this silence in itself is telling me to just keep working. What I do in the physical realm is no exception, it's an essential part of the whole work. Even the most mundane tasks belong to it. In fact, I sense that my habit of excessive daydreaming without any clear purpose being served is actually very detrimental, simply because it distracts me from doing stuff. Now, I know daydreaming is important in its own way. It's not the what, it's the how, and the when. I think I do my best daydreaming while engaged in some constructive physical activity. But just as important in the balance of things is to be able to stop that mental chatter and just focus.

Am I saying anything here? What am I trying to say? Come on, cut to the chase already. Yeah, this is the chatter. Stopping now.

What I also remembered in the end (before the binge), and I think this is the fundamental point this all came to, is that God is always present. In every thing and in every moment, and behind and between them all besides. Nothing can ever change that.

To me, that is a very comforting thought. And I will say no more.

What can I tell you? I have no answers. Though I have, through the murk, perceived many golden images of reflected truth, heard many stories from great minds that see further than I, all I can tell you is that I am here, now. So many theories, so many explanations, and none are definitive. All fall short of the truth, for they are but fragmented images, filled in with the conceits and fancies of the imagination. We stumble in the dark, we cannot see. We strive and strain for knowledge, but ever does wisdom elude us.

Some say we are evolving from the muck towards higher levels of being. Others say we are fallen gods, trapped by our inability to recognize and reclaim our own forgotten power. We live in oh, such special times – that oh, maybe aren't so special after all. The spirits, the sages, the secret teachings of all ages: we turn to them for help, and find that there is no one to follow. For to follow any one for too long is to stray into distraction. To make progress, we seek always to see beyond the next bend, to what remains hidden. And yet no progress is possible, all paths appear dead ends. Is there any hope of spiritual gain? Must we first abandon hope?

I will tell you what I know. I know that I am here, now. And, if there is any logic to the universe, I have a point of origin from which I emanate as my seeming self in time and space. By the power of divine will, by choice, by belief, and by agreement is this world made solid around me. I know that this is not my home, but that I chose to be here, to experience this incredible, immersive game in the most potent way possible. And so I appear to be contained, restrained, repressed, weakened, limited, blinded, maimed, diseased, trapped, confused, deceived, in pain, in need, and utterly, utterly lost. And yet... I am here, now. I am inside the illusion, far from home... and yet, home is where I am already, in that eternal state from whose bland absolutity I escaped by coming here to play. I know that even that scenario is just another story in a creation full of story. But it suits me at this moment.

What else is there but all that is?

I've heard it said, for what it's worth, that the truth won't set you free. First it'll piss you off, and then you'll realize that you were free all along. Make of that what you will.

I know that if I only knew, I'd know that I was free. And sometimes I feel it, like the fleeting touch of a distant memory. Freedom. And yet it is always there, just waiting to fill my awareness if I but choose to let it in.

This is the story of all stories. Choose yours with care, or have it chosen for you. Either way, it's your adventure. And at the end of it, should you choose to make an end, you'll find yourself back home and realize that you never even left. So, might as well make the most of it. Tell yourself a story worth the telling.

Some guy (presumably a guy – most Internet fruitcakes of this type seem to be male, for some reason) posted a provocative little comment over at Smoking Mirrors, basically a drive-by display of cracked intellect and inflated ego. To be honest, it's not what he says so much as the way he says it. But, since I am possessed of a rampant ego myself, I will take this opportunity to, well, not to strike back, since that's hardly necessary, but to say a few words on what might be taken as an object lesson from this example.

I didn't even know there were people today who believe in a flat Earth. The idea just seems ridiculous. But I got curious as to how such a belief might be propagated and what kind of evidence would be used in support of it. This BBC article on Flat Earth theorists (FETers) is a good introduction. To investigate a little deeper, I also visited the Flat Earth Society website and read a couple of forum threads debating FET. That was a bizarre little trip, but it got me thinking... what motivates people to adopt these kinds of theories into their belief system? How can they continue to hold their belief in the face of all the evidence and logic to the contrary?

I tend to think their motives are often emotional. There may be a deep desire to be right, and to belong to a small, exclusive club of people who are right, while everyone else is just wrong. Superiority complex, the need to be special. Or perhaps they start with a deep distrust of government and the establishment in general, and latch onto whatever theory to justify that. Paranoia. Some may partly lack the ability to draw the line between objective reality and the products of their own imaginations. Delusion. And then, I suppose, there could be people whose minds are just magnetically attracted to some particular oddball theory because they're simply wired that way. These are just a few obvious possibilities, I'm sure there are plenty more.

The trouble with this sort of thing is that once a mind, for whatever reason, has decided to believe something, no amount of rational argument can sway it from that belief until it's ready to let go. Moreover, as I've mentioned before, our beliefs about reality shape our experience of it to a very large degree. So even though we all reside in one collective reality, an individual person can literally be living in their own world quite far removed from the general consensus. Their inner orientation, their outer focus, and their interpretive processing between the two form a self-reinforcing feedback loop. This is why, when one studies external phenomena to try to form a model of the system, it's so important to be conscious of one's own emotional investments and to consciously avoid letting them get in the way of discovering truth.

I'll say this right now: I'm not a left-brain thinker. I can operate in that mode, and I can appreciate a good train of logic, but I usually prefer a more organic way of thinking, relying on intuition first, then the intellect. This way has served me well in my search for truth. The ability to discern grows with practice.

I've already expended more words on this than I'd otherwise like to. The reason I did is not because I assume people are stupid, but because of something I'm working on that warrants a little bit of thought in this vein, just as a prelude. There's a difference between a reality-challenged conspiracy “theorist” and someone who honestly looks into things to try to find what's really there without jumping to unfounded conclusions. That's all. And I'm not claiming that these guys are the real deal, that you should believe anything they say just because they've done a bunch of research and they're “the experts.” God forbid. No, my intent with this video transcript, which I hope to finish soon, is to hopefully just bring someone who hasn't considered such things before to say, “Hmm. That's interesting. Maybe there's something there. I think I'll look into that and see if there's any truth to it.” Little seeds.

One last thing. I may just be fatigued from blogging so much this month, but I feel like the focus here may shift more towards poetry, at least once I pull up stakes in a few weeks and head out into the wide world. My prose is starting to feel dry to me, too many words, not enough of the good home flavour. So we'll see where this goes. Inspiration, stay close! Guide my hands and guide my feet.

Au revoir.

Everyone has their own idea of what's going on, where we are, how we got here, what we face in the future. There's a thread of apocalypticism that seems to crop up everywhere. That thread, especially as woven in the mass media, is often heavily tinged with fear and fantasy, based on vague or shallow understanding. It becomes easy to either dismiss such thoughtforms altogether and continue to imagine that everything will keep going on pretty much as it has been, or else to get all caught up in the smoke-and-mirrors funhouse version of Circus Apocalypticus. The Tunnel of Doom can be a compelling ride, and there's no end of terrifying and disturbing sights and sounds to keep that dark thrill of fear and despair churning inside. That's to be expected. We are, after all, in a realm of appearances. We each see our own subconscious shadows playing out on the screen, along with the beauty of our divine nature, in whatever measure is appropriate to our individual need and choice, moment by moment.

Objectively, nothing I say here matters a whit. Nor does it matter what I believe nor what anyone else believes. Nevertheless, here inside the fractal symphony of subjective experience, under the prime illusion of separation, each part has its own specific role to play. Regarding the need for self-expression, I recall these words from a song I learned in elementary school, the Rainbow Song:

Listen with your eyes
listen with your eyes
and sing everything you see.

I write, not because I believe it will make any difference, but because I am compelled and moved to do so by my innermost heart. At this moment, it's what I'm here to do. And so I do my best to let that innermost heart get a word in, through all the posturings and ramblings of my limited ego self.

I had a deep discussion with a friend yesterday about the economic crisis. Our views turned out to be pretty similar, although we had enough differences of opinion to make the conversation lively and interesting. His understanding at this time doesn't incorporate what could be called “conspiracy theory,” in that he doesn't see our debt-based monetary system as being inherently flawed to begin with, whereas I do. But all such conclusions are only tentative, subject to change in the presence of new information that would challenge us to see more. I voiced my understanding, in such part as I felt appropriate, but didn't turn it into a debate. There wasn't enough of a common background of information to be able to get into (what I see as) the more hidden, engineered aspects of the situation. I wasn't there to persuade him of my view, but rather to just share thoughts and have a mutually agreeable and enriching moment of human contact.

Our other major topic of discussion was one on which I've never even formed much of an opinion: the potential for an existential threat to humanity arising from the birth of an artificial intelligence beyond our capacity to control. To me, that subject has been more in the realm of thought-provoking science fiction than any plausible, actual future. To him, it is perhaps the gravest problem we face, given, of course, that something else doesn't come along first and render the question moot. In essence, the solution would be to prepare for that scenario in advance by somehow ensuring that if and when such an uncontrollable intelligence is born, it will be of such a nature as to allow for the (humanly tolerable) long-term survival of our species.

I've taken in enough science fiction to have a basic idea of the range of imagined future scenarios concerning humans vs. AI. Peaceful coexistence via hard-wired Laws for robots and a general ethical treatment towards them on the part of humans, as envisioned by Asimov, seems to me perhaps a little premature and idealistic, given the sad state of the human psyche and the unpredictability of self-directed evolution. Based on our historical record, the vision of the Terminator films would seem more realistic. But both of these scenarios presuppose the development of AI continuing forward from the present day without interruption. So the more immediate hurdles, I would say, are the existential threat posed by unenlightened mankind to itself, and the very real possibility of cataclysmic Earth changes, abundantly prognosticated by modern science and prophesied by ancient traditions passed down from the survivors of the last global extinction-level event.

I'm a big fan of the Matrix films. They depict a human race struggling for freedom from the dominance of machine intelligence in a war that is not only physical, but essentially psychological and spiritual. To me, the Matrix story is less a probable future scenario than it is an allegorical tale about where we are now. The machines are an externalized manifestation of the egoic mind, which can never know God but is preoccupied with material things. This machine intelligence creates a virtual reality, a literal prison for humanity, in which the vast majority live out their lives unaware. As an enslaved human begins to awaken, this matrix reality appears increasingly “wrong,” and they question just how real it all is, what greater truth might lie beyond these appearances.

In the real world (grin), awakening is a multi-layered process. The exact route by which it happens is, of course, unique to each person. For many, the first layer is the manufactured and distorted version of reality portrayed by television and other forms of mass media. Entertainment on this lowest end of the spectrum is typically hypnotic, banal, debased, and void of higher meaning. At some point, it becomes clear that, at its root, this is all intentionally so. It's not just because these corporations cater to the lowest common denominator to make more money. Facts and questions that go outside a particular box are actively marginalized and suppressed.

As I write, right now, the time is 9:11 PM. I suppose I'll take that as a hint. (grin)

My friend is as yet unconvinced that the events of 9-11-2001 were brought about and/or facilitated by elements within the U.S. government and U.S. intelligence (although he doesn't deny the possibility). From the perspective of one who became convinced several years ago, I would say that that position stems mainly from a lack of awareness of the vast body of credible evidence, an unwillingness to believe that such evil could lurk so strongly in such high positions of power, or both. Of course, there is also the fear of being pejoratively labeled a “conspiracy nut,” but for anyone determined to find the truth, wherever the evidence may lead, that should be of no concern. Rest assured: despite what the corporate media would have us believe, being on the side of “9-11 truth” does not translate into being an extremist or a crazy person. I shouldn't have to say that, but there it is. The real problem, of course, is that once you accept a “Truther” version of 9-11, it opens up a Pandora's box of other shit. Shit that a lot of people just don't want to touch, no matter what. They would rather not know, because knowing would mean an end to the dream with which they are so comfortable, a dream into which certain harsh big-picture realities simply do not fit.

As always, the wisest position is the only one of which there can be certainty: “I don't know.” Everything we think we know is based on perception, and our perception is, by its nature, limited. Despite what I've said here about awakening, I don't consider myself to be awake at all. I am still dreaming, just like everyone else here, although less deeply than some. All that means is that I'm standing in a different place, somewhere between the crowded center and the rarefied outermost fringes of our collective reality. I like it here. I'm in good company. But it would be terribly boring if everybody were in the same place. Regardless of where we are in relation to each other, we can interact and become the richer for it. We're all teachers, and we're all students.

Anyway, that's all incidental to the real truth, which is... we're not separate. It only seems like we are, because that's the only way we can do what we're here to do, and that's... to learn about love. To really learn, we had to step into an illusion where love is not absolute and unconditional, where we suffer and die and long for what we seemingly lost when the universe began. Our journey here is not in vain. It is part of a Great Work in progress. By our choices, we can either prolong or hasten that Great Work in ourselves. We cling to our illusions as long as we can, but little by little they fall away. Our vision expands and brightens. We experience love in all its forms, including all the manifestations of its absence and distortion. And at the end, we are all reunited with the essence from which we came and which attracts all things back unto itself for the glorious, unimaginably grand after-party of all Time.

But to answer the question... hell, I don't know. You're asking me???

I was recently prompted to watch Donnie Darko. It's one of those rare films that carry so much beneath the surface, daring the viewer to cast aside assumptions, observe, and dig in to see what's really there. A shallow or distorted reading of the film might even yield a negative message, but for the pure of heart and clear of mind, it's a profound, piercing, and potent work of art.


One of the threads in the plot explores the cult phenomenon. The classic elements are all there: a charismatic leader with a cleverly-crafted message, drawing in susceptible followers with his hypnotic spiel delivered on stage and through pricey videos and books. For me, it was interesting to note how the con was built from a seed of genuine truth – the dichotomy of Love and Fear – and subsequently inflated into hollow drivel with only the appearance of truth to the easily deceived. Even when the cult leader is fully exposed as a criminal deviant, the true believer refuses to accept reality, choosing to blame the scandal on a conspiracy to take down what she sees as a demigod-like messenger of salvation, “a wonderful man.”

A hallmark of those who are in the business of selling lies is that they cannot tolerate honest criticism. They will use every method at their disposal to deflect it and defuse the sparks of doubt. Open debate is not an option for them, because they know how deadly the truth is against deception on a level playing field. They will distort and reframe anything that threatens the lie in their own terms to try to preserve the illusion. They will use veiled psychological threats to keep their followers in line. Anyone who questions their dogma is “blinded,” “deluded,” “lost,” “confused,” “an agent of the enemy,” or some other handy descriptor. When undeniable facts come out, they will go into damage control mode to keep the core of the lie intact. But probably the cult leader's greatest weapon is the process of indoctrination that renders followers simply unable to break out of their programmed thinking. The herd instinct, carefully cultivated and stimulated, does the rest.

Of course there are positive aspects to being in a cult or cult-like community, from the member's point of view. Why else would they stay? Inside, they find purpose, direction, meaning. They are constantly reassured of the rightness and goodness of their belief system, and they can rejoice in having found the true way, the cure for their afflictions. The closeness and caring of the community, the pleasure of being in a group of like-minded people, the genuine friendships that form, the shared experiences. These are all powerful, positive things in a person's life, and there is certainly nothing wrong with having or wanting them. Moreover, the doctrine or “the way” itself may have very positive, even life-saving effects.

The troubles, however, are always present in some degree. For a naturally free-thinking individual, the ideology and the group-think can be restrictive to the point of annoyance and/or suppression of the inner self. The division between the membership and the outside world can take on pathological characteristics. The disconnect between programmed thought and reality can result in a variety of psychological maladies or other unfortunate side effects (for instance due to misapplication of an incomplete or faulty conceptual framework). Worst of all, the ones in leadership who knowingly promulgate the lie are invariably guilty of some combination of fraud, exploitation, and corruption, and, more often than not, are sexual predators to boot. There's no way to sugar-coat this awful reality. They are wolves in sheep's clothing and they have no conscience whatsoever, nor any regard for the human consequences of their actions.

It will be apparent to some that these thoughts, while intended as generalities, may also be read in the context of my former religious affiliation. However, it's not my intent to maliciously attack anything or anyone. My only motives are compassion and the desire for truth. I fervently pray that those with strength of spirit and eyes to see will be there to support their brethren and keep the light of truth. If nothing else, I would exhort such a one to seek and serve only the Divine, with all the integrity, honesty, patience, and love you can muster. Your Lord has given you something absolute, perfect, and real: his own Spirit, to dwell in your innermost heart. That Spirit speaks directly to you. When you open yourself, truly listen, and hear that still, small voice, you will KNOW it. Let there be no higher authority in your life than that awesome, living presence within. Let no words of man or thoughts of ego prevail against it.

Jesus gave one commandment: love God, and love your neighbour as yourself. When you come to see the divine essence in all things, and live authentically in the Spirit of God, there is no need for commandments at all. Laws and punishments are for those darkened souls who lack or choose to ignore this inner guidance.

I had a dream today in which a simple and powerful key was revealed to me. This key was like flipping a switch inside oneself, and it led one effortlessly to inner peace and understanding and a more divine way of being. I fumbled around for that key after waking up – I remembered what it did, but I'd forgotten what it was. I do believe I later recalled it, in part, on a contemplative walk through the park. It was related to what I said in the beginning about watching Donnie Darko: the act of pure observation of what is, unburdened by one's own, pre-existing ideas. Allowing, not forcing. “This is what it is, not what I think it is or what it should be according to my beliefs.” This shift in consciousness brings about a sense of wonder, and opens one to the flow of authentic impressions that, over time, leads only toward truth – and the dawning delight of discovery.

In this life, certain things can be laughed at and other things are deadly serious. Those other things can kill you, and worse.

If you believe that, then welcome to Penitentiary Planet Earth, third rock from the Sun and home of seven billion (and soon to be a lot fewer) pitiful little creatures who once enjoyed the pleasure of being free human souls. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Of course, if you knew the truth, you would be laughing at me instead of the other way round. Because that's how it is.

There are laws and then there are laws. Lower creatures are subject to lower laws, and higher creatures are bound by a higher set of laws. You know there are people who get away with murder, right? I mean, take a look. It's almost like the more deaths you're responsible for, the more untouchable you are – provided, of course, that you're also rolling in the cashola. The material god of this world is on the side of those with the greatest amount of dough, baby. So how surprising is it that the wealthy few are now Extremely F---ing Wealthy, to the tune of billions in digital currencies and billions more in real assets, while some 95% of the world lives in perpetual debt slavery? Pretty good deal for the moneybags. When you practically own the planet, the world's your oyster. Excuse me while I puke from the sheer awesomeness of the situation. Didn't taste like oyster, though, I'll admit.

Where was I? Yes, these self-proclaimed elite world leaders. The ones who you see (or don't see, thanks to our ever-so-vigilant public eyes in the media) attending such fancy clubs as the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. But not so much them, of course, as the ones holding their (purse) strings. In any event, for the sake of convenience, let's treat them all as one big happy psychopathic family. Where a smile means anything but and loyalty comes from a deep pocket and a big, big gun. Mutually assured pathology is such a beautiful thing.

The real beauty of this arrangement is that nothing is as it appears to be. To the unawakened masses (who are a conspicuously dwindling lot these days), these lizard-tongued phonies and their little crooked cronies are indistinguishable from the fictitious roles they play for the benefit of the brainwashed-from-birth bozos who believe whatever the babbling boob box tells them. Fortunately for you and me, my friend, things are not as they might appear to us either. If you've followed any of the alternative news sites on the web, you know (or at least, I'm telling you now) what a sorry sack of pungent manure they carry. The truth, they call it. Well, I call it fertilizer for the brain. What these conveyors of information (and varying amounts of disinformation, don't forget) fail to perceive is up to you and me, the discerning readers, to fill in. Not everyone is a compulsive fact-checker or info-miner, and you don't need to be those things to break through to the essential truth. Which is... what? Well, hang on.

Let's go back to the notion of law. As you may perhaps suspect by now, the lying murderers and child-molesters at the top of the worldly pyramid are not operating under the same set of laws as you and me. On the surface of it, they make the laws and break them as they please, while we are subject to an increasingly arbitrary and bewildering system built on books full of arcane legal language and intimidation both physical and psychological. The list of dos and don'ts in our modern society is truly a wonder of intergenerational programming. They do it to us and we finish the job for them. The scientific dictatorship, as imagined by Orwell and predicted by many others, with its veneer of rational ideology, institutionalized mass murder and theft, and false promises of security and prosperity, now constitutes our everyday reality. Or so it would appear.

What it comes down to, is this: who's got the power? If you think it's them, well, I guess you're right. Better stock up on ammo and food, then, and hope everything goes your way when the shit hits the fan. But that's a choice you make. In my reality, these clowns have no power whatsoever, beyond the ephemeral power of the illusions they create in your mind. You see, they are absolutely dependent upon you not realizing that there are in fact much higher laws than the ones they use to control you, and that by raising your level of awareness, you in fact begin to operate above and beyond those cleverly imposed restrictions.

The law of those who seek to control humanity is a cruel one. The human parasites are themselves fed upon by parasites of a higher order, and anyone who takes the path of deceit and betrayal will inevitably be deceived and betrayed in turn. A system of control is an unstable thing in the natural world. It can survive only by consuming, threatening, and lying, and these activities have finite limits, which, when attained, result in the collapse of the system. By contrast, the dictum of live and let live, certainly preferable to the aforementioned law, is unlimited in practice. Love, freedom, and creativity act to expand the realm of possibility, and indeed, in so doing, will tend to expand themselves.

But let me speak of something else here that will hopefully clarify the issue on a deeper level. Not everyone will agree with my take on this, but it works very well for me.

What are we? If we are mere physical beings, then we are certainly doomed. Death follows birth, and this simple fact is one that the material mind most fears to accept. Is it fair to say that fear of death is the prime motivator of the egoic mind? We can say that this mind has evolved for the sole purpose of prolonging life and bettering the prospects of passing on one's genes for the continuation of the species. What other purpose could it have? And so the higher faculties and sensibilities of man are thus seen as adaptations for survival in an increasingly complex environment. This is the basic position of what we commonly call Science.

Religion counters this and offers release from the primal fear of death by which mankind is afflicted. It posits something invisible to the natural senses, some higher aspect to this being, and calls it the soul. The soul, it is said, cannot die. Unfortunately for us, however, little agreement is ever reached as to the specific nature of this soul, nor the way by which that soul might reach a more agreeable state than this thorny vale of tears, forever caught between heaven and hell. The best that religion can provide for this life is a moral code and a sense of meaning and direction, though its assurances be often unprovable.

Is there a way out of this conundrum? I speak for those who are less than fully satisfied with the dogmas of both Science and Religion as they are commonly presented. What are they missing? I would suggest that the answer has to do with a kind of truth that is beyond the reach of either of these modes as long as they cling to their preconceived limits. It is a truth that must be discovered personally by each one who seeks it. The true, hidden nature of ourselves – whatever that is – is the key.

Now. If that true, hidden nature is that we are the both the dreamer and the dreamed – and it's clear to me that we are – then the whole situation with these madmen who seemingly run the show here for their own pleasure and profit becomes a laugh. They are the fools! We are in charge! And I mean “we” as in the divine aspect of ourselves, naturally – the One. Hey, all we need to do is get in touch with that. Gosh, what a game-changer. Whoops! I guess all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. And that's handy, because it turns out that, besides being the main instrument of our oppression, fear was also the main sustenance of a host of unpleasant beings that populated the unseen portion of our planetary prison. By starving them, we now force them to move out. Perhaps they will feed on each other? Nom nom nom. Goodbye!

If I'm right, then what we're going to see in the run-up to the Big Crunch that's coming (and by that I mean the point at which all roads meet) is a lot of heavy drama and a lot of wild revelations coming out that these hopelessly deluded ruling-class sock puppets would have preferred to keep under wraps if they could have. Unfortunately for them, all that they do will only end up turning against them and they will make fools of themselves for all the world to see. This is because they really are actual sock puppets that think they can write the script when they don't even realize who owns the stage. The show itself is a cosmic morality play that reads like tragedy and comedy all at the same time.

Do you see the funny side? I hope you can, because I've seen it, and, well, it's nothing but a grand old hoot. It's one hell of a good time. Had me laughing so hard, it was a piece of heaven. You know what laughter is. It's the sound of a soul set free to fly.

Wishing you many laughs (and warm hugs too),
~william