Limits of an Infinite Self

My friends, we are on the brink of disaster, if not indeed over the edge already. The effects of the oil well blowout are going to be nothing short of devastating on a global scale, unless we can somehow mitigate it. The engineers and other workers at BP are doing their best, but hope is faint and the clock is ticking. If ever we needed a miracle on this planet, this is the time.

Chief Arvol Looking Horse of the Sioux nation has issued a message to the religious and spiritual leaders of the world which succinctly and powerfully expresses the need for us to unite our hearts and minds in prayer for a solution to this calamity and for the healing of this hurt we have brought upon our precious home. I fully agree with that message.

There are individuals among us who have the ability to bring together large numbers of people in meditation, prayer, mutual focus of intent. These people need to step up and help. If you know someone who can do this, please pass on to them this call for action.

Of course there are other things we can pray for that are just as important. A spirit of understanding, compassion, brotherhood. An increase of our sense of responsibility and purpose. Clarity and wisdom. Peace and love. These can also be included in the same earnest prayers of the heart.

For myself, I will be joining with the folks at this site once the dog poet has composed his song and set the time. I urge everyone who feels even just a little bit inclined to do something to join with whatever group you're comfortable with and be a part of what they're doing along these same lines.

The Earth has always loved us as a mother loves her children, even though we've done so many wicked things to her and to each other. It is time for us as a family to grow up and accept responsibility, express our contrition, and do what we can to make up for our foolish mistakes. If we don't do it now, there's no knowing if we'll get another chance.

For a while now, part of me has been in a state of prayerful expectation for the next revelation in my life, the next piece of the puzzle to cross my path. It is said that when the disciple is ready, the master will appear. And so it has now proven to be in this case.

It came about through a chance reference (though nothing is by chance) to the Eastern concept of bodhisattva. The word, with the impression I got from the context, strongly drew my attention. In an email discussion with Tertius, my interest toward the subject of this type of incarnated soul (and Eastern esotericism in general) only grew, and I began my preliminary investigations on Wikipedia. Almost immediately thereafter, I was contacted by another friend on the phone, who just happened to have a link to some wisdom teachings that he thought might interest me. After visiting the library and picking up some books, I checked out that link. Eureka! I mean, wow. That stuff sucked me right in.

The thing about esoteric teachings, the kind that are supposed to transform your life from the inside out, is that there's no guarantee. You either get it or you don't, and there are many levels of getting it. Degrees of comprehension. How deep it goes just depends on how prepared your consciousness is. Well. I was very receptive to this material, and as I read it, I could taste the meaning. As I breathed in the concepts, I began to embody them, and feel them working. Soon I was directly experiencing some of the same states of consciousness that the texts were talking about. To be sure, it was only a “lite” version of the full thing, like maybe a 2 out of 10 where you have no idea what the factor is between 2 and 3, or 3 and 4, or any of the rest, so it could really be more like 0.000002 out of 10. (So much for linear thinking, haha, not much use with this stuff, eh?) But regardless of how puny my level of comprehension compared to the totality of it, it was enough. It really did change my whole way of seeing reality, put me in a different operating mode. To use the computer analogy, it felt like I was now running software written in a more basic, and thus more powerful, language. The limitations of the usual, more complex language were no longer an issue. The persistent bugs in my particular version of the software could now simply be circumvented by invoking a code closer to the God-like level of raw binary. And I felt... liberated.

Of course the analogy is flawed. Hmmm, I had some more illuminating words in mind earlier...

Yes. The mis-identification of the Self with the imagined object. Body, mind, ego: these are not the Self. They are projections in a dream. And so you recognize them for what they are. Recognize that self-awareness is the eternal observer independent of any temporal thing. See everything that appears to have a separate existence in the context of the dream. “My body (in the dream) is tired (in the dream).” “My (illusory) mind is wrestling with these (illusory) thoughts.” “My (imagined) ego is pleased (in the dream).” The words, of course, are not necessary. What counts is the awareness in the moment. And the word “my” – well, it's not the perfect word, but you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. (grin)

Fortunately for whoever reads this (and who are you, anyway? Keep asking that, I swear it'll take you places!), I have the sense to stick with convention as far as the writing goes – when I'm not messing with your head. So ego continues to carry the ball, like it's supposed to... at least on the surface. (wink)

The effect of all this lucidity for me has been pretty nice. There's the whole elimination of suffering bit, of course. But most interesting has been the inversion of this most annoying tendency I have, as an extreme introvert, to be full of activity on the inside, yet appallingly ineffective on the outside. By quieting the mind and watching the dream as a spectator, the undertaking of appropriate action becomes nearly effortless. I will it, and it happens. Very cool! It may sound kind of silly for someone who's never dealt with such a problem, but for me this is really a life-saver. For the sake of this effect alone, I intend to keep up the practice as diligently as I can. It's not about enlightenment at this stage, it's about mastering this enough to have it in my bag of tricks for everyday self-management.

That's all for now. Have a lucid day!

Gaza in Plain Language


So when Israel strikes Iran in spite of zero evidence that Iran might be developing any kind of nuclear weaponry, it should be obvious which nation poses the real threat to world peace.

And for the record, I think Ahmadinejad has a moral center (and a spine) the like of which I've yet to see evidence of in any of the major Western leaders.

Observe what is. Let the chatter and the motion go on as it will. Don't force the stillness. It's there, behind the noise. Like a screen, it shows the movie, and may appear to be the movie if you forget yourself, become hypnotized by the moving picture, the appearance of reality. But if you focus on the screen itself, you may begin to feel the impression of looking into a mirror. Two eyes looking out at two eyes looking back in. Who is this presence? It is yourself. It is pure awareness. It is the only eternal thing; all else is projection, flickering by, frame by infinitesimal frame, each seemingly created and destroyed in turn, yet so fast as to appear continuous. This is the flow of time, which doesn't really flow, because it doesn't really exist, except as a subjective, illusory experience. A dream. Because, after all, what else is there for an infinite, singular awareness to do?

Spirit and matter. Creator and created. We are the confluence of both. Through countless aeons of time, matter organizes itself according to the patterns suggested by Spirit, imprinted upon the aether as spiraling forms of purest, subtlest energy. On the molecular level, a miraculous thing occurs: the omnipresent Spirit retreats almost entirely from view. Matter seems ruled by raw mechanics, blind forces, a chaoarchy of chance and determinism. But the first simple forms of life evolve spontaneously, ubiquitously, wherever a suitable mix of ingredients is present and the conditions allow for it. And so begins the wondrous progression of complexity, from cell to multicell, until entire planets are covered with richly woven tapestries of life, ecosystems interwebbed in a gloriously dynamic order. The underlying patterns of energy inspire an endless variety of forms, periodically transforming as the frequency turns up in quantum shifts that emanate from the hot galactic centers.

We are the next step. The group souls of the animal kingdom, defined at the level of species, begin to differentiate into individual souls, capable of self-reflection. A humanoid form arises. Now begins the most challenging phase, as consciousness bridges the gap from instinctive animal behaviour through to peaceful, space-faring culture. There are other options, too, for those so inclined: realms above and below this plane, reachable after many lifetimes of work at those times when the veil dividing them is briefly parted. It is here, however, that we are able to experience the forces of both heaven and hell in equal measure, according to our choice. In this crucible is forged, from the base material of primitive man, a purer being.




Spirit awakens from its dormancy and becomes a living spark. That flame of the heart, the most noble part of man, guides, enlightens, and sanctifies his being. It will teach him of courage, and beauty, and love, with endless patience so long as it still burns. If he will heed its tutelage, the way will be opened before him and he will walk through the shadows in its flickering light.

Monsters and shades of monsters will threaten. The worst of them will come from within. But no matter how fearsome they may be, they will never be able to destroy the one who guards that precious light in her bosom, though they kill the flesh and feed on the very soul. Many battles will be lost ere the first is won, yet in time the victories will come more easily – or would, but for the ancient law of the worthy adversary and the burden equal to one's strength. All is arranged with a distinct purpose ordained by Spirit, all for the incremental progress of the soul on its chosen path of experience.

And so we come to the crisis point, a time of epic potential. Evils are unleashed that were previously unimaginable. For it is only under the uttermost existential threat that the portion of Spirit that sleeps the deepest may be persuaded to rise up and be counted. But when it does, when the awakening in its fullness at last unfolds, there is no limit to what is possible. From there we go on to a new phase and a new dawn, in which a global humanity, now reunited with its brothers and sisters from afar, begins its incredible journey into the great expansive frontier of the stars.

It's official: we're fucked.

That's been my prevailing analysis of the situation overall since I learned of the oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. The scope of the damage to ecosystems beggars belief. And there's still no mitigation in sight. This fellow has been covering the sordid story of the political and corporate assfest of a response in his own way. God knows we need a sense of humour with such horrific matters. But taken as a whole, the environmental devastation that we as a species have inflicted upon this planet, our only home – the toxic chemicals in the ground, the water, and the air; seas choked with plastic; wholesale destruction of forests; topsoil depleted, and on and on and on – seems to indicate that if ever a species deserved to go extinct, it's us. I don't want to go all 11th Hour here, but facts are facts. We're all culpable to some degree. The laptop on which I'm typing these words is the product of a long chain of industries that all pollute, all devour natural resources. That's the way we do things. The problem is not that we've done it, it's that we've done it with zero regard for the future, zero regard for anything but satisfying our pathologically single-minded desires. Some, of course, are more guilty than others...

It is not an easy thing to watch the wretched circus of ignorance and deception with the eyes of an awareness too keen for its own good. Not that I would have it any other way, given the choice. But there is the choice, too, of whether to focus upon the appearance of hell on earth in all its unholy forms, and despair, or to turn one's attention to the things in which there is some reason to see good, and rejoice. And always there is the grand perspective, in which all is precisely as it must be, without judgment of good or evil, although that is not one that I would take exclusively. It operates in the background, without impinging or interfering. We who are here, inside the fish bowl, have our judgment calls to make as long as we're here. The trick is to recognize that for each judgment we pass on something outside of us, there is a judgment being passed on the inside as well. Better to go within, search out what offends us about ourselves, and work on that. Far be it from me to prescribe anything for anyone, but I'll tell you what I think is a pretty important key. Forgiveness. That's the magic that'll set you free, from what I've come to understand about the way things work. Karma's a vicious circle. By default, it locks you in. If you want out, you'll need something that transcends that pattern. That's all I have to say about that. Best thing for me here is to shut up and take my own advice. (grin)

As I was about to say before I sidetracked myself, there's plenty to be pissed off about. Plenty of things in life to break your heart and make you weep from the depths of your soul. I get that. There's a neverending stream of things we don't understand the reasons for. We can only carry on and do the best we can, and just know that there is a reason, however beyond our grasp it may be at the moment.

I'm as confused as anyone, quite honestly. The less I pretend to know about my future and the less I project my fears and fantasies onto the unknown, the less work of letting all that go I set myself up for. Our precious fears, our precious fantasies. All is vanity. More anxious wheel-turning in the fevered workings of the monkey mind, desperate to justify its own sense of indispensability. Let it go, Neo. Free your mind.

Has there ever been a more perilous time? I think of the Atlanteans, who (allegedly) had technological advantages that most of us wouldn't even dream of. So much knowledge, and yet so little wisdom. The wave came and the mass of them were totally unprepared to ride it. Is that to be our fate as well? Cataclysm and descent into even further depths of ignorance in the struggle to survive? It is not hard to imagine that future. But what happens, will happen. Ours is not to anticipate the utterly unpredictable, but to prepare our hearts and souls to meet it in whatever form it chooses to take. And in this moment, we yet have that opportunity. It is not too late to take appropriate action according to the promptings of the inner guide, that still voice that tells us what is right, what we need to do and what our focus should be.

Have courage and persevere, even in the face of seeming impossibility. Shed your illusions as they are revealed to you and embrace truth. Know that you are here for a purpose. Seek to embody what virtues you can, moment by moment. Love yourself and see the love around you. Be at peace. Follow your star.

In mutual support and everlasting brotherhood,
this self.

(This is one of those entries where I supposedly talk about a person, maybe plug their work, and try to voice some sort of opinion. It's probably unnecessary, probably very ego-driven, and probably reflects a lot more on me than it does on the person in question. But here I am regardless, doing it again for whatever unfathomable reason. So just bear with me, I guess.)

Project Camelot (no, I'm not opening that can of worms today, fascinating as all the drama may be) recently published this interview with Laura Knight-Jadczyk, which, now that I've finally been able to watch it, has got to be one of my favourite Camelot interviews of all time. I suppose I'm a bit late to the party, since it's already been viewed over 33,000 times, but whatever. I highly recommend it. Camelot's version doesn't have the best video quality, but due to load times, it's the one I watched, and the quality ceased to be an issue for me once the interview hit its stride somewhere in the first hour. (Laura's own HD version is here, on Sott.net.)

So. Laura. Very interesting character with very interesting ideas. Genuine truth-seeker, I would say almost the epitome of the honest truth-seeker. Has had some nasty accusations thrown at her, which are plain ridiculous for the most part, being ad-hominem and not based on much other than a desire to take her down. On the other hand, there is room for legitimate criticism, stemming from differences in perspective or from mistakes she may have made as a fallible human being with her own weaknesses. She has had to navigate some extremely difficult terrain, and I think she has probably had a hyper-dimensional target painted on her back ever since she started thinking she had something to share with the world, and even before then. That's just the way it is and I can't blame her at all for having the worldview that she does. In fact, I have to pretty much agree with her worldview, from certain perspectives, although I don't always take those perspectives. In any case, the information she has brought to the table through her research and her work with the Cassiopaeans is truly important, in my opinion, and really helps explain so much that might otherwise be less clear.

I don't know if there's that much more to say. Her work speaks for itself. If you're interested in the nature of our reality as it appears beyond the veil of lies and deception promoted by the powers that be, and you've already covered the basics through other sources, do check it out and judge for yourself. (Personally, I found myself drawn to The Wave series especially.)

You know, I always thought "the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question, of Life, the Universe, and Everything," being equal to "42" was a bit of a copout on Douglas Adams' part. Like, don't you think a smart guy like him would be able to come up with something a little more profound? Oh, I knew it was a joke, but I just didn't really get it. I guess he was pretty well on the right track, if you're able to read between the lines. See, we start with an advanced civilization questioning the very root meaning of existence, looking for an answer that would satisfy the age-old enquiry, "Why are we here?" And they were smart enough to build a computer that could calculate that answer for them. For all the good it did, they might as well have spent those resources calculating pi = 3.14... to the gajillionth decimal place, when any idiot knows that that's nothing but a circle. Maybe life is a circle, maybe it's a spiral, maybe it's a whole bunch of things, but the point is this: when you're done explaining it to yourself, you can move past the question and just live it like you would have, had the question never occurred to you in the first place. I know that's unfair and not really what I mean, but seriously, maybe the Question actually is the Answer in a different form, like "What is it? It is what it is." So life is its own Question and its own Answer, and maybe the point is to just explore everything it has to offer and to one day maybe stop pretending we don't know what this is all about. Where we came from and where we're going... it's the same thing. And if that's so, then everything really is OK and there's nothing in this universe to be afraid of. All those things we think are really scary and bad, what are they but stuff we dreamed up to tell ourselves that it's not what it really was all along, the perfect expression of an eternally loving God?

I alluded last time to my commitment to a spiritual path. In my bright-eyed enthusiasm, I neglected to mention the dark side of that coin, which, appropriately enough, now shines upon my life in its turn.

This world is a proving ground. Earthly existence is defined by tension and struggle between opposing forces. On the one hand, the human spirit desires to be free and to experience oneness and unconditional love; on the other hand, it is seduced into bondage, separation, and fear by all the myriad illusions of this world. It is our moment-to-moment freewill choice that decides which influence will win out.

Last week, prior to my trip to Model Expo in Helsinki to display a few of my Lego creations to the public, I was very much of two minds as to the task ahead of me, which is to let go of that material pursuit which has so consumed my artistic impulses for most of my life (not to mention a considerable amount of money). I figured that the exhibition would clarify the matter in my mind and bring me to a place where that letting go would be easier. In essence, I wished for my passion for turning ABS molded bricks into my original creations (MOCs) to burn itself out - a burnout that I've been trying to induce for months already. On some level, that notion did come true. I do feel more able to quit the hobby and sell off my collection than before. Doesn't mean the thought of it doesn't still cause me some amount of pain, but the way has opened up before me to the point where concrete action is feasible.

There's a lot more plot and drama to this story, but I'll try to pare it down to the most relevant bits here.

I was told, in a Tarot reading, that I would be going through an energetic battle (8 of Swords). That seems to be coming true already, although it may be that the real thing is yet to come. But judging from my dreams last night, and the way I've been feeling... yes, this is very much a battle of opposing energies. And it's one that I've been losing quite badly so far. Through emotional heaviness and negative thought patterns, I've found myself succumbing to confusion, powerlessness, and victimhood.

One of my dreams last night showed a small, reptilian demon acting like a harmless, cute little puppy that just needed someone to open a sealed packet of food for it. The girl's sympathy and compassion were winning out over her better judgment... next thing I saw was the same demon, ten times larger, swallowing a man's arm while its friend went for his other arm.

Don't feed the demons.

I was also shown, prior to falling fully asleep, a vision of myself and my shadow self. My shadow self was just too strong, too cunning for me; no matter which way I turned or what I tried to do, he was there ahead of me, sabotaging, overturning, perverting, diverting everything I did so that it fed into his plans instead of my own. There was no way to win at this game. As difficult as it was, I knew I had to stop fighting him, stop resenting him, stop relying on my own strength and limited vision. I tried to quiet myself, find peace, connect with the One in whom there is no separation and no conflict, to realize that I and my shadow were of the same stuff, just different expressions. The true I was neither little-me nor shadow-me, and yet contained both. The key to ending the struggle was understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, release. I did not actually attain that at the time, but I knew it and I went for it.

I'm being tested. I've been warned about this by a lot of people who've walked the spiritual path. There's no free lunch, no pill to be perfect, and no one-size-fits-all solution. It's a process that has to play out for each person. A process of shedding all those endless layers of false self, revealing always another, slightly more realized image of the perfection at the center. Every experience, pleasant or unpleasant, is an opportunity for progress. It's all in the attitude with which you meet it. For best results, choose love. Choose faith. Hold fast and have courage.

The Divine can appear as a terrible, punishing schoolmaster, or as a gentle, supportive teacher. Both forms have the same goal and the same purpose, merely different approaches. Life as struggle; life as gift. Both equally valid ways of seeing, both necessary. One to be transcended, the other to be realized.

Namasté, my friend. All the best. See you at the destination. Back Home.

I'm not writing this to brag about my experience, let me say that right out front. So you're not going to get the juicy details, just the essentials of it, plus a little theory.

Sex happens on multiple levels, including but not limited to the gross physical. (It also can be used either negatively or positively, like any other type of energy exchange.) But until very recently, I was only vaguely aware that sex could also happen without any physical component at all.

From this article and its comment section, I recently found out about something called ojas, which is an interesting topic in itself and makes good background for what follows here. It relates to the reason why certain spiritual practices have celibacy as a requirement. Since I have been totally celibate for some good number of weeks, I figure I'm pretty well set as far as ojas goes. Judging from what happened.

Regular sex (at least, the physical component) is centered around the genitals, pretty much, even though the entire body is certainly involved. With what I'm going to call “etheric sex,” the center of activity and stimulation is the heart chakra. Hmmm. The heart also happens to be the energy center responsible for feelings of love. And here's me, someone who's now used to having his heart chakra open and humming with unconditional love – and more than a little pleasure, too, on occasion, when conditions are right. All it takes is an open heart. Anyone should be able to feel it if they have the right mindset and just try.

Essentially, I guess what I felt was simply an amped-up version of that humming. And like the occasions when the flow spontaneously opens really wide, this time as well I had little to do but to get out of the way of what was happening. Stop interfering, stop analyzing, stop thinking about what a great blog entry it would make... and STOP FEARING IT. Fear is definitely the number-one obstacle. Because of fear, a deep-seated reluctance to allow myself to experience anything so wildly orgasmic and full-on intense, I stopped short of the ultimate release. I wanted it, but I just wasn't ready to let go completely of my inhibitions.

My partner was very patient and a masterful lover, but said that if I didn't quit chickening out and getting distracted, it would be over. Yes, my partner. No, there was nobody in the room with me. No one I could see, that is. I'm sure I just imagined her... him... it. But at the same time, he/she was definitely there, real. Reality is subjective. And invisible beings do exist, I'm sure of that. Anyway, I had to trust and submit without reservation, without condition or limitation in order for the thing to work and go all the way. It didn't happen, unfortunately. I was pretty damn high at one point, though....

This is the type of thing that can start happening in your life when you commit to the straighter spiritual path. I don't know how else to put it. These things, these mind-blowing new experiences, become a matter of course. At least, they have for me. I'll bet the times have a lot to do with it too. Galactic energies and all that. We're at a highly interesting point in the cycle, and the interestingness is not going to go away soon; on the contrary, it's very much on the rise.

If you want to take your life to the next level, there are some very simple things you can do to help that along. Stop eating junk, eat healthy food. Make a habit of prayer/meditation and gratitude. Simplify. Get rid of the TV and watch what you let into your head. Spend time in nature. Pay attention to little things. Listen to your inner voice. (You'll recognize it because it's the one that's never wrong.) And, if you're so inclined, read up on spiritual topics. Plenty of good reading material on the 'net, plus you have your original holy books and the related teachings. Follow whatever path suits you best. Don't settle for the same old same old. Be open to change. And remember, it's all a game. It's worth playing well, but it's also worth having fun with. If that all sounds good to you, then maybe it's time for some Next Level Up. You can do it!

P.S. Sungazing rules! (Especially at dawn!)

On the Mayan Tzolk'in calendar, my birthdate resonates as 13 Cimi. The number 13 stands for ascension and the completion of all things, a transcending force. Cimi is Death, the Transformer. A Death person is naturally prone to change and comfortable with transitions. Both of these qualities well describe my nature and my experience of life.

I was given a dream some time ago in which I had one simple task. There was a veil that could only be crossed when a person was ready – if they weren't ready, they wouldn't be there facing it. The veil seemed to be contiguous with the flowing garment of a skeletal figure who I recognized as Death. My job was to lift the veil for each person as they came through, so that they could see what lay hidden on the other side. The object they came to view was no mere object; it was a hole in space. The hole appeared as a single eye with lids on the sides instead of the top and bottom. Through that eye, when one looked intently, one could see something rather surprising: a little house on a hill, simply outlined and coloured, like a child's drawing. That drawing was a symbol for Home. A comforting place. It was where we were all from, and it was where we were all ultimately going. Each person who came through would look at this revelation and break into a smile. They'd known it all along, they just needed a little reminder to remember what they already knew. All the fears and doubts they might have had before entering, some timidly, some boldly, were shown to be pure illusion. There was nothing to do with them but to let them go and have a good laugh. Everyone left feeling greatly relieved, lightened, and renewed. Where they went after the viewing, I could not tell; they certainly didn't go out the way they came in. And that was my dream.

I felt quite troubled after I had the dream. I was very reluctant to accept that I could be one to carry out such a task, even though it had all felt most natural and easy in the dreaming world. I wondered if the dream meant I had to be some kind of “keeper of the veil” in this life. Would people come to me for a glimpse of that Truth? Seemed a little far-fetched. I still don't know what it means. But it was certainly one of my more interesting dreams.

Death is a theme I've become comfortable with on some deep, basic level, even though I have never actually been very closely touched by it in a concrete way in the short twenty-five years I've lived so far. I have never been to a funeral and I have never lost a family member closer than a little-known cousin. All my grandparents are still alive. I have often wondered at this, why it is that I've been spared those experiences for so long. It can't last forever, and it could end tomorrow for all I know. I do know that I would like to be present at the departure of my mother's father, to hold his hand and ease his passing. Of course, given that I'm leaving the country for the foreseeable future quite soon, I'd rather not necessarily have that come true, either!

Hmm, I was supposed to write about friends here. Bonds of friendship. Social ties. They've been greatly emphasized in my life in this past little while, following an extended period of relative, voluntary isolation. At a time in my life that's full of things to do, deadlines, and uncertainty (nothing I can't handle on my own, mostly, although I am keenly aware of and grateful for all the help and support I receive), destiny has decided to make friendships a major theme. I've felt drawn to reconnect with people, particularly those with whom I feel the closest spiritual kinship, but also many others. Part of it, I'm sure, is the need to finish things up before I leave, but that doesn't explain the case of one person, who just suddenly showed up in my life one lazy Sunday afternoon to shake things up even more when they were in pretty high flux already. I'm really glad she did, though, because the ensuing series of events and dynamics has been a challenge I can really sink my teeth into. I've been tested pretty hard by it already, and I know this is only the start. It's a nice grueling uphill climb, spiritually, after a whole lot of comparatively smooth territory for me.

Here's the thing: two things actually, that I've occasionally been feeling the desire for: a passionate but non-committed relationship (to balance out my first one, which was all commitment and not so much passion), and somebody to whom I could be a spiritual mentor. It's easy to see how the false ego can hijack such desires and really go for a joyride. A lot of potential for hurt and long-lasting damage there, if those things were to be pursued as actual goals in themselves. The only goal that should matter, the only one really worth pursuing, is to find one's way back to the divine source: back Home. Anything else is a diversion, purely optional and only desirable insofar as it is in line with the highest good for oneself and all others. Destiny, of course, is just that, ultimately: the highest good, the most desirable and perfect script for this play called life. And it really is all in hand, if we can just let go of our need to control events and control other people for the spineless satisfaction of our own Death-fearing ego selves.

In short, that weak and myopic part of me perceived the chance for both these desired things in the appearance of this new player on the stage. And so I set myself up for a fall, which I am happy to say I have pretty much worked through by now, but that bears telling here. What Destiny had in mind was something quite different, of course, than my misguided imaginings. Yes, she had just broken up with her boyfriend and seemed to be in the market for a new one; yes, she resonated strongly with me on a soul level and had questions to which I felt I could offer answers; but she was already on a different path, one that required an absolute, core-level renunciation of both desires on my part. I admit that it has not been easy, not easy at all to do that work on myself, but I have the necessary skills and tools to do it and since I committed to it, Destiny has been helping me along in little ways (thanks, universe).

The story is not over yet, but the rest remains to be seen. All will unfold as it must, regardless of the puny intentions of anyone. We human souls who walk this earth are as mites compared to the will of the Divine. Utterly inconsequential (that is, until we learn to be a lot closer to the Divine, at which point I suppose we will have bigger and better places to be). I am committed to the Great Work; that and no other shall be my guiding star.

In closing, I send a heartfelt prayer of thanks to the source of all things, which in its infinite wisdom has seen fit to try my heart and purify it in the flames of this holy purgatory which has but the appearance of profanity, for all things are holy that proceed from God, and there is nothing in existence that is not from that same source.

The perfection of your works, O Lord, is absolute. I embrace all things as they are: the suffering and the joy, the grime and the glory, the fall and the redemption, the loss and the gift. Whatsoever I lose for your sake, I will gain better in return. Help me to walk this path of your righteousness, for without your signs and angels I would quickly go astray. All is well when I am with you, and as long as it is so, I shall have no fear. Thank you for your longsuffering patience and your abundant grace gifts every day of my life. Your Love is everything, and everything is a manifestation of your Love. Let your Love be known in my heart and let it shine through even in the darkest hours to come. ~Your humble servant, this self.

Life has been kicking ass for me lately. I even recorded my first video blog where I went on about that. Hilarious thing, though: as soon as I got it into my ego like that – Boom! – life started (gently but firmly) kicking my ass. I couldn't get a picture to show up in Windows Movie Maker (could only get audio, and a crappy audio it was), and that got me thinking that maybe vlogging hadn't been such a hot idea after all. The more I thought about the video I'd recorded, the more I thought how embarrassing it'd be. I'm not too terribly awkward on camera, but my speaking skills aren't up to a level where I can just go off-the-cuff and have it come out how I want it. Not that I'm so vain that I can't let people see me as I am, but if the point is to make a point, then I want to do it as well as I can and not waste people's time with my halting speech and half-formed thoughts.

Perhaps I will still make a video blog at some point, but it would probably be either me reading stuff aloud or be a private video as a letter home to my family. I think those options would help me be less self-conscious, too. Seeing oneself on the screen simultaneously rather tends to have that effect, unfortunately. I'd rather not feed my ego that way if I can help it.

Anyway, I've had a lot on my mind, even as I've been flying high on a creative roll on the magic carpet of universal love that makes everything go my way. The blogs/websites of a number of highly conscious individuals (links on the right if you're reading this on my Blogspot) have provided plenty of food for thought recently, but I've mostly been wrestling with a very personal issue: my hobby.

First I should tell you why it's become such an issue. You see, my plan at this point is to leave the country by the end of June, which will mark five years since I left my family in Vancouver and moved to the land of my birth to see what experiences it might hold for me. These five years have been incredibly transformative and full of different phases. My life situation has undergone radical changes by the year:

Year zero: leave job and hometown in Canada to enlist in Finnish conscript military as an adventure and a requirement for keeping my dual citizenship.

Year one: discharged with rank of 2nd lieutenant. Begin studies in Forestry at Mikkeli University of Applied Sciences.

Year two: summer of love. Relationship with girlfriend at its peak. Active social life. Internship at building supply warehouse provides financial security and chance to work largely outdoors, serving customers. Everything is great.

Year three: everything falls apart. Plans to switch field of study to Theology come to naught as I discover that the Christianity I was raised into has been a weapon of mass deception and no longer serves my spiritual needs. Quit Forestry, break up with girlfriend. Truth-seeking begins in earnest. Job at call center pays the bills but eats at the soul. Breakdown on the job prompts move to Oulu, an area with many relatives and friends. Find new job as personal assistant to severely disabled father of six, an ex-con and ex-hockey player whose wife left the same faith movement as me (conservative Laestadian Lutheran) to marry him.

Year four: fired from job in spring, after six months. Had been too wrapped up in myself and my inner life to really engage fully and integrate into the family's home. (The ex-Laestadian girl who succeeded me apparently serves the family's needs much better, for which I am very glad.) Desire to find another regular job is zilch, as interest in being really independent has taken off. Start translating business. Find that I really don't have what it takes, but deny reality until savings run out in the fall and I am forced to shut it down and apply for government social aid. The emotional support of close friends plays a key role.

Year five (now): jettisoning most material possessions with intent to go on a trip of indeterminate length, starting with Sweden and continental Europe and ending in Vancouver. Money will likely run out along the way, at which point (barring some kind of temporary employment) I will be entirely at the mercy of God and my fellow human beings. That thought scares me a lot less than it would probably scare most people.

So now the trouble here is that the only thing I've ever become really good at – the hobby (socially still rather marginal, although the public awareness and acceptance of it are constantly increasing) of building original creations out of Lego bricks, for which I still have as unrepentant a passion as ever – is up against the compelling need to drop everything and hit the road. Shipping my entire Lego parts collection to Vancouver would be very costly due to the weight, so I must now significantly reduce its size. Selling it all off wholesale would be the rational thing to do, but as I mentioned, my passion for building is as yet unabated (despite occasional bouts of disillusionment with it all and an ever-present awareness that none of it matters in the end). Lately, I've been in a veritable frenzy of building in preparation for my first exhibition down in Helsinki next month. I also have a prospective buyer who has offered to pay 13 euros per kilo for sorted, bulk Lego parts. So I am left to separate the wheat, so to speak, from the chaff. Which parts are superfluous and which ones am I going to need for my projects in progress? It's a tough call to make, but I have to make it. Which explains my anxiety.

Well, that's a load off my chest already, to have laid out the situation in words like this. I think it's now clear to me that I would be wisest to enlist the help of a friend or friends in this process. The idea of doing it alone is just too daunting. And I guess that simple epiphany is what I was getting at with this whole entry, though I only realize it now. I do hope that anyone who took the time to read this will send supportive thoughts my way, be they voiced or silent. Advice and compassion are always appreciated, and I won't bite your head off even if you're in total disagreement with what I'm doing. Hey, maybe I am crazy... but that's still a subjective judgment. I'm just doing what seems to be the right thing for me personally. So... wish me luck?

- Not that I believe in luck. (grin)

Ooooh! Look at the/time, oh
This ball start to roll and she don't/stop for nothing
(Just speedin' up)
Gonna do some big-time/damage down the line
(Sooner than you think)
And all you thought was real, it be/comin' down
(All around, comin' down)

Ooooh, baby, you just/keep your head cool
'Cause you know it's all/meant to be
(It's all playing out)
My heart tells me, baby/we're gonna be all right
Just watch your feet, baby/don't lose your head
We'll stick together, baby/and we've got friends

Ooooh, got to do what's right/stick to the truth
'Cause that's what this all's about/teaching you
(Be true)
To know who what where, when how why
The devil come in, he don't want you to fly
But you know there's/always/another way, baby
And the right way's not gonna be found/outside you
Yeah the right way's not gonna be found/outside youuuu!

(screaming-hot guitar solo)

Ooooh, the world's goin' pear-shaped/whatcha gonna do?
Ooooh, everybody freakin' out/ooooh, what are you gonna do?
'Cause there's no time/there's no time/there's no time
To be standing there gawkin' like a fool without a clue
(Get a clue)
In
Your
Heaaaart!
Listen to your ************* heaaaart!
Act from your ************* heaaaart!
Listen to your ************* heaaaart!
And know it in your ************* heaaaart!

This is why
You are here
Don't blame me
For your fear
(Got to) let it go and and take a chance
Step up to the cosmic dance
Then you join the cosmic daaaance

(wild, ecstatic guitar solo)

Realize
The truth inside
We're all one eternal mind
Heart and soul
Living whole
Universal love behold

Love behoooold
Love behoooold
Love behoooold
Love behold

(Love behold)

-------------

Written after reading HalfPastHuman's latest Shape of Things to Come report. Thanks to the immortal Jimi Hendrix and others for inspiration. :)

Bill Hicks, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most offensive comedians of all time. He also happens to have been one of the very, very best. How is that? Well... the fact that he saw through the manufactured bullshit that masquerades as “reality” and called it out for what it was. The fact that he was totally unafraid to be seen for what he was: nobody special, just a guy with a taste for vulgar jokes and a gift for telling them. He was more than that, of course. He was a man of uncompromising integrity, brutal honesty, deep humility... and he did what he did because he loved to do it. No other reason could have driven him.

Today I listened to a couple of songs by Rage Against the Machine (Wake Up and Calm Like a Bomb, from the Matrix soundtracks). I listened in a way that I'm just discovering how to do (although I've probably been doing it all along): such that my internal state of mind is at its own place of repose, while the music plays out around me. I could appreciate the soundwaves, the thoughts and emotions without getting attached to them myself. I don't know if or how this is a productive way to listen, but it appeals to me. It's a way that I can apply to any genre of music, even (and especially) music that is full of angst and rage and darkness. I don't have to go to the place where the music is coming from in my totality, just enough to appreciate it. It's enough to have been there myself at some point in the past. You might ask why I would do this. Why listen to music that's not in line with where I'm at in my innermost? That's a good question.

Part of the answer is that the world is not in line with where I'm at or where I'd like it to be at. That's something that I just have to make my peace with. Appreciating music that comes from a human being's experience of this tortured reality while also holding peace and unconditional love in my heart... it feels real. It feels like healing, somehow.

Bill Hicks had a lot to say about music and the music industry. He made no bones about his distaste for empty, mass-produced, ego-driven dreck. He ranted against banality and mediocrity. He also praised those artists who he saw as having done humanity a service through their music, who played from their hearts.

I listen to a lot of different genres of music. I've never become an expert or a connoisseur of any particular one. Rather, I simply listen to whatever I find that appeals to me. Imagine my surprise when I discovered this artist. Here is someone who plays a genre so apparently full of garbage (in my uneducated opinion) and yet comes across as a true artist with a genuine message. Ana Free is (to me) a diamond in the rough. Her music comes from her heart. And what a heart it is! Beautiful. Generous. True. - And she's pretty, to boot! (grin) Anyway, lest I sound like I'm advertising (ahem), she is what she is, her music is what it is. You may like it or you may not, it doesn't matter.

“Play from your heart.” That's all well and good for those with a talent for making music... what about the rest of us, like me? I think the answer is obvious enough: whatever your talents happen to be, use them to express what you feel, the things that matter, the things that inspire you. Don't be afraid of what people are going to think. Don't worry about whether it's got market value. Those things are distractions! They don't matter! What matters is that you believe in what you're doing. If you can find something you would do for free, without any hope of recognition from the world, just because it gives you joy and fulfillment... do it. Whatever you feel is your purpose for being here now, do it. You will know what that is, because it will come from deep inside you and the mere thought of doing it will fill you with energy.

Play well, yes... but more important than that is to play from your heart. And it's more than likely that it'll come to the same thing anyway.

Ana Free - Try (Live)