Limits of an Infinite Self

I got up this morning with a curse on my lips. “Vittu! – Damn!” I looked at the time – 1:11 pm. Number sightings.... I didn't know how long I'd lain awake, slogging through the knee-deep muck of my brain, stuck in the same quality of thought that I'd gone to bed with: the new perceptions I'd had revealed to me by the action of last night's Scorpio New Moon. I hadn't resisted; there would have been no point. I knew I'd been stagnating spiritually for some time, so I'd looked forward to that moment as an opportunity for progress via deep introspection into the darkest places, the most unacknowledged parts of myself. If you've ever done that or had it happen to you, then you know what I'm talking about. It is slightly less fun than carving your eyelids with a kitchen knife... but unlike that horrid mental image, it can be a good thing despite the unpleasantness. Like gulping down a cup of vile-tasting natural medicine that ultimately helps destroy the pathogen that's trying to destroy you, or correct the imbalance that's holding you back.

I say this kind of darkwork (which is just another type of lightwork) is absolutely essential on a spiritual path. It gives you an awareness of how much work you still have to do, just how powerful has been the hold of the unconscious parts of you now being made conscious. It's also very humbling when you realize, as I did in this case, how obvious some of those unseen aspects of yourself can be to others, through their effect on your outward behaviour.

Sometimes, when the grace is granted, you shine as your best self. You discover strengths and abilities and virtues you might not have known you had. Those moments are pure gold. But the opposite of shining also takes place: being shined upon. I subscribe to the notion that, in the course of human interaction (and intra-action), light goes from the place that has it to give, to the place that needs it, if both sides agree to the exchange on some level. This happens, for example, in a healing situation, or in a transfer of knowledge. The new-age practice of lovebombing, beaming light and love where they've not been requested to try to change things for the better, for instance in the hopes that world leaders / PowersThatWere will act wisely and compassionately instead of selfishly and murderously, sometimes fails to take into account the sovereign free will choice of some of those souls to actually pursue the path of darkness. Accepting love-light in pure form would be detrimental to their progress (and so their refusal deepens the shadow in which they reside and the love-light bounces back), but I suspect if that love-light is of a low enough spiritual quality, because of, say, ignorant wishful thinking, or psychological dependency / Stockholm syndrome on the part of the lightworker, then it may even end up feeding the negativity it was intended to alleviate. There's a fine line between the earnest desire for positive change, and the law of allowing. The key to navigating that line, I think, is detachment from the outcome of one's efforts. To do something just because it's right, just because your soul wants to do it, and not because of any desire to overrule or win against somebody, or to achieve good things for the justification of ego's self-righteous holier-than-thou narcissism. Doing from a place of love, rather than fear. Love sees the world as perfect, just as it is, while giving total freedom to act in favour of greater harmony, often inspiring and even compelling such action. Lightwork and darkwork: shine and let shine.

So often the comforting things we tell ourselves about ourselves are nothing more than lies to let us maintain equilibrium in spite of some disturbing truth. Denial. If we are deeply honest with ourselves, willing to face that truth without fear or judgment, then the way to greater integrity is open. The darkness that was there loses its power to hide from us the truth, and to steal from us our sovereign power of selfhood. Energy that used to be expended upon maintaining the lie is now freed for more constructive use. We are able to unflinchingly admit our failings. Self-knowledge, self-acceptance.

Of course, the “unflinching” part, the acceptance, may take a little time. At first, these realizations tend to hurt us. There's been so much invested in the lie that it can be hard to cut that loss and let it go. Or then we make the classic mistake, once faced with the ugliness we've denied, of judging it as making us unworthy of God's infinite and unconditional love. Sounds crazy. And it is. And yet we do it so often. Or I do, at least. Which is why I spat out such a word before getting out of bed today. The frustration of all the self-limiting things we do without being much able to help it.

There are times, like now, when I just come to the end of my rope, as far as what I'm able to do on my own. When there are no easy answers or quick fixes to get there from here. A virtually impassable gulf between what I see and where I want to be. It's at these times that I find there's only one thing that has the power to keep me going, not by offering a solution to the problem, but by reframing the problem: There is no problem. Love sees no problems. Love sees only possibilities. It makes us more than our weak flesh-bound psyches. It allows us to transcend our borders, to become clearer reflections of the greater reality of being. We stop fixating on our faults, and begin to focus on what we can do. It removes the obstacles to our perception of what's possible. To trust in divine love is to have faith in something far greater than oneself, more important than any of one's individual lives or the things therein. Something worth any sacrifice. To meditate upon love and embrace it is to let go of all hindrance, even our relatively true ideas about ourselves. By turning inward in love, we are made able to turn outward also in love. “None of that shit matters. What matters is This... This... This!” Free of the past, free of the future. Making every moment count. If we can do that, even just a little tiny bit, then we're doing very well indeed.