From time to time, I get a taste of what life is meant to be like. An exercise in joy. This almost invariably goes hand in hand with a viscerally felt connection to something far greater than my individual existence. This ineffable something seems to have a hand in everything that goes on, which I've always believed on some level, and particularly when it actively makes itself known, or when I devote a moment, or more than a moment, to reflect upon it. More and more, when I'm not distracted by trivia, my thoughts revolve around this whatever-it-is that hides behind all that can be seen. I long to live in unceasing communication with it, to feel its love at all times, to be guided by it in all that I do. Without it, I am unable to enjoy anything, initiate anything meaningful, or approach a better way of being. Without it, I am a shadow of myself: impotent, despondent, irrelevant, barely alive except by the momentum of the grace that granted me life when I entered this world.
This ineffable presence is my father, mother, best friend, and lover. It's only when I am forgetful of it, or of my true relationship to it, that it appears distant and hard to reach. It is at once omnipresent in all things and the hardest thing in the world to commune with. It's the ultimate goal. All other accomplishments and desires lead only to more of the same, more striving after mirages that dissolve when touched, and more suffering without reward. They lead only to a deepening realization that there is something else beyond all these things, something that lasts, satisfies, and will not disappoint. That imbues all these other things with meaning, but only once we have grasped it first.
It is the mover and the shaker. The motivating, animating, enlightening force, and the force that draws all creation back to itself through the process of awakening, the long, slow dawn of gnosis toward a lucid, empowered, and unified existence.
My own path toward this whatever-it-is (for all paths lead to the same destination, as all rivers flow to one ocean) seems an odd one. It is at odds with the usual way of things as I've seen it in other human beings. Backward. While others seem to be going in a logical progression, A to B to C, I seem to have covered B and C without ever having mastered A. And so it would follow that I don't really have B or C down either, not without the firm foundation of the most basic level. It is hard to function in a physical world in a time of darkness without that strong egoic sense of “I” that draws boundaries and pursues its own self-interest. It is through this game of “I” that most souls, perhaps, are able to individuate and build an identity and a will strong enough to move forward through adversity, to carve out a niche and make a living in a competitive environment.
I am missing the point. Happens a lot, I might add. The point is that all the circumstances and personal challenges of my life are specifically suited to the lessons I need to learn. It's useless to get caught up in bemoaning one's unique fate – all fates are unique. I should really consider myself lucky to have such a clear sight of the bigger things, and a set of challenges that do seem to be tailor-made for a personality like mine to make the best potential progress in these exact times. The challenge of how to get through my day, how to perform the basic functions of life, are geared in my case inexorably toward seeking and connecting with the divine. And from my experience, when those challenges are successfully met, there is always the next bigger thing to tackle, and always with the same purpose, to embody more and more the qualities of that source of all ability and insight and compassion.
Greetings, and much gratitude, to that eternal essence and the giver of all good gifts. And may you, dear reader, be helped and driven to draw ever nearer to the source of your most enduring happiness.
