Limits of an Infinite Self

Ideal vs. Actual, True vs. Real

2011-11-17T15:52:00.000+02:00

I am an idealist. I generally believe in the ideal, for better or for worse, as an actual thing, somewhere out there, existing, even attainable, given enough time. Faith and endurance, if anything, are what will bring the ideal into actuality. But, if absolute perfection is the ideal, then we can approach it forever and never actually get there. To what degree, then, must a thing be perfect, if it is to be ideal? (And if we can't get there, is it still worth trying? I'd say, regardless of whether you're a realist or an idealist, the answer ought to be yes.)

I suppose the problem with idealism stems from the fact that each of us has a different idea(l) in mind when we speak of ideals. Ergo, conflict arises between those with contradictory ideals. But this is only a problem if we take the relativist view, the subjective view of individual humans. Two problems: the realist either denies the existence of the ideal (due to lack of evidence for it in perceived reality), or, allowing its existence in hypothesis, claims that we cannot conceive of it ourselves, because it is beyond our (believed, and thus perceived) nature.

We are the imagination of ourselves.

Yes, I've noticed....

The one who perceives only the appearances of the conditions of this world will insist that the ideal is not a realistic goal, given how far it is from reality. But for one who believes in it, it can be the only goal. Where the two may reach balance is if the idealist takes each realistic goal as a temporary, short-term goal, as a step, on the way to the final goal.

(Which, remember, can't ever be reached!)

(And doesn't exist!!!)

Human fallibility – of course! is what gums it all up in practice. As you can imagine. Look at the world. See? But wait, now, if you look closer, if you give it time, if you listen, if you're open – you will see signs that the better nature in the human spirit lives on. The desire for harmony, peace, mutual prosperity (our ideals?). For learning and growth as well. (The process!) The realist and the idealist can come together and help make progress, if they choose. And the more so according to the degree to which their realism or their idealism is pure – that is to say, true.

Undistorted. Holistic. Integral. Free of dogma.

Knowledge-based or faith-based.

Good so far. But what about life in the moment? What about life as an evolving, individual soul? What is the ideal for ourselves? And how can we deal with the pitfalls of idealism in the personal arena, in how we relate to self and others?

Idealism and realism, both like pits full of shit until the light of awakening consciousness does its work on them. Each has its “pitfalls.”

Somnambulant (spiritually asleep) realists may believe that what they see and sense, and that alone, is real. They often overestimate their own objectivity. They disdain imagination (the greatest tool we have) and the sense of wonder (our bringer of miracles), and so bring upon themselves a restricted field of possibilities, and much drudgery. The solutions to these are implicit in their presentation.

The undeveloped idealist is the worst sort of daydreamer. Never achieves anything, never satisfied with anything – and if they're satisfied, it's only because they're so indifferent, because they're either living in their own world of ideals and daydreams, or they've given up hope of ever achieving it. The lack of hope, of the desire to improve, of the will to serve, are equally stifling as they would be in the realist. These are signs of a faithless idealist, one who has not the courage of their convictions or the spine enough to act on them.

Here's an imagined dialogue between two somewhat more evolved individuals.

Realist: What are you doing?
Idealist: I'm meditating on my vision of perfection.
R: While doing... what... for real?
I: Well, uh... I could tell you about this vision, for real.
R: Oh. OK. And, when you're done, I can tell you about some suggestions I have, based on my own observations, about how to improve things around here in the present moment.

So the true, positive, conscious realist does have an ideal toward which they strive – it's just... a direction, more than any particular idea. An increment of perfection. Reaching in time for whatever betterness is within reach. There is no thought of a final perfection, or an absolute. The existence of either is debatable, and hardly relevant anyway. It's a very practical way to see and live. And, at its best, open-ended. Trust in the process leads to good destinations.

The mature idealist is realistic enough to know just how far they are from being able to imagine a perfect ideal. Realistic enough to set their practical ideals within practical reach. But yet faithful enough to believe, still, that perfection exists in the Heart of All, and, subjectively at least, in the Realm of Pure Ideas. The Heart of All, of course, is no-where and no-when. It is beyond manifestation, it is the source of the manifest. All manifest beings and manifest realities reflect degrees and variations of the Heart, n-dimensional bytes and slices of an infinite-dimensional matrix of possibility, all rooted in the zero point of perfection where all is equally possible, if not equally distant.

It is that discouraging distance from perfection, the wide gap and heavy contrast between the observed and the imagined, that trouble this young idealist so often. I speak of myself. I am troubled when I look upon the content of my character as observed by the consciously observing, neutral part of me, outside the box of ego.

The I!

The Eye?

And I compare it to what I imagine I could be and should be. What I want to be. The differences would fill volumes.

But... my instrument of observation is not neutral; it produces distortions. It contains judgments and is subject to strict limitations. So what I think I observe is not even necessarily close to objective reality..!

Accuracy, precision, frequency bandwidth, field of view, focus, lens: the variables in forming a picture of what is, or what appears to be.

Accuracy suffers from judgment; judgment is relative to perspective; only the whole perspective gives whole accuracy. So when I judge myself, and I do so harshly, I see myself in a distorted light.

Precision comes with a more refined degree of complexity (higher resolution) of the consciousness doing the observing. Frequency bandwidth, I won't discuss, because the dynamics are too involved beyond the scope of this article... but “scope” is indeed the next variable, aka. field of view. Which is what gives us a context to understand and comprehend the relative nature, the function, the necessity, the genius, the beauty, and the purpose of a part within the greater whole.

Focus: the area into which consciousness concentrates its energies. How well you can focus determines the intensity of your picture. What you focus on, grows. First inside you, then around you appear the results.

Lens: your state of being. Dirty and dark, or clear and bright? Fearful... or loving? Chaotic, conflicted, confined... or harmonious, unified, expansive? Divided by judgment, or reconciled by understanding and acceptance? Connected or cut off? Strong or weak? You can choose your state of being, if you remember the part of you that chooses it – become the part of you that is it.

The totality of you – IS perfection. It is what is: the ideal and the actual, the true and the real.

Let your most beautiful ideal inspire you to act within the real. Let your innermost knowing of who you are guide you. Create your experience of yourself by choosing what to be. Imagine yourself as God, and know that the form you take here is just a little piece of that. It doesn't matter how imperfect we seem to be; we are part of a grander perfection in a grander scheme than we can dream of. You, the far-from-ideal, pathetic little human with all your faults and weaknesses, can no more sully the perfection that is God than you can erase your own eternal existence as God.

We lament when our dreams fall by the wayside, or shatter painfully, or torture us, or turn out to be hollow, or morph into nightmares. But where would we be without the Dream? We are the Dream: these characters we play and the stories we make. We each express our own Ideal,

our own vibration of God,

on its long journey to self-discovery and self-realization. That is what this is about. We're works in progress. Maybe there is no destination, no beginning and no ending. Maybe this is just an ever-changing Dream of Who We Are, Who We Think We Are, Who We Are Becoming, and Who We Wish To Be.

Timor Dinosaurus

2011-11-16T14:21:00.004+02:00

[The following is a fictional adaptation of a totally natural, very minor, and definitely un-weird experience. ;-) Or alternatively, you may think of it as the narrative of the Fool, caught in the delirium he deems reality...]

I recently had a soul flashback, a sudden awakening, to a deep, dim racial memory encoded in the oldest parts of our mitochondrial DNA. I remembered the nature of dinosaurs. Part of me almost became a dinosaur, channeling the energy of dinosaur-ness, across the vast evolutionary gulf that divides our lineages. I felt the coarse, primitive instincts of that colder, duller, fiercer and more ancient race of sentients that once, for so long, held dominion over the earth. After a tiny flutter of dismay, curiosity won me over - I observed these energies, embodied and amplified in this part of myself engaged in re-membering. I went through, subjectively as my own, the looming ancient forbears of what are, in us today, reduced into core-level functions, esoteric vestiges and mere latent potentials in our farther-evolved patterns of consciousness. Through this experiencing came empathy, acceptance, and the reconciliation that comes with finally understanding a previously alien other.

As I continued re-membering, I was hit with another flashback – this one more jarring, vivid and fearsome and immediate as it was. Much closer on the tree of life, on the very branch from which we descend: I remembered what it was to be a wee mammal in those times. What it was to cower before these mountainous, overwhelming, thunderous beasts; to fear these cold-blooded giants above any other creature; to subsist in the meagre cracks afforded by the world of our aloof, antagonistic superiors. They were lords and titans; we a newborn race – hardly able to survive, much less challenge their rule, which only followed from the unsympathetic laws of that lower animal nature.

As I watched and felt, I saw the dynamic between our two orders change, over the millions of years they shared the planet. There was a gradual shift from enmity toward acceptance. The dinosaurs' initial vicious hatred and xenophobia toward us, gave way to a mild sort of antipathy and resentment, to mere annoyance, to grudging acceptance, and finally, as we gained in strength, to scattered stirrings of respect for such a longtime, worthy evolutionary opponent – all ending in the Great Time of Transition, with the decline of the dinosaur clan: the cosmic culmination and phasing out of that great, awful, and awesome form of being.

They died and were raised up again, the harvest together with the mulch, passing through the accelerating event horizon of chaos, to emerge in a new world order in the form of birds and lizards. Post-apocalypse, we mammals rushed to fill a larger world with a new cast of primaries... including, eventually, the primates...

The gift in this small glimpse was to be able to see, acknowledge, understand, forgive, bless and release these very deep traumas and conflicts within us: to process, integrate, and transcend that collective karma. It's all part of the Great Work. Those of us engaged in it, do it on behalf of God and Goddess, in service to the sun, the planet, the human species, our soul groups, and our many selves in parallel realms of the universe.

And I realize that all of it, all my interpretation, only reflects how I see myself!

That all my judgments are illusions born of the sense of separation that I bear.

How much clearer

and more blessed a quality

would these things bear for me,

if I saw and if I felt them

with the eyes and with the heart

of love!

But I do see it,

now I do see it

all, perfect.

Once Upon a Scorpio New Moon

2011-10-27T16:54:00.000+03:00

I got up this morning with a curse on my lips. “Vittu! – Damn!” I looked at the time – 1:11 pm. Number sightings.... I didn't know how long I'd lain awake, slogging through the knee-deep muck of my brain, stuck in the same quality of thought that I'd gone to bed with: the new perceptions I'd had revealed to me by the action of last night's Scorpio New Moon. I hadn't resisted; there would have been no point. I knew I'd been stagnating spiritually for some time, so I'd looked forward to that moment as an opportunity for progress via deep introspection into the darkest places, the most unacknowledged parts of myself. If you've ever done that or had it happen to you, then you know what I'm talking about. It is slightly less fun than carving your eyelids with a kitchen knife... but unlike that horrid mental image, it can be a good thing despite the unpleasantness. Like gulping down a cup of vile-tasting natural medicine that ultimately helps destroy the pathogen that's trying to destroy you, or correct the imbalance that's holding you back.

I say this kind of darkwork (which is just another type of lightwork) is absolutely essential on a spiritual path. It gives you an awareness of how much work you still have to do, just how powerful has been the hold of the unconscious parts of you now being made conscious. It's also very humbling when you realize, as I did in this case, how obvious some of those unseen aspects of yourself can be to others, through their effect on your outward behaviour.

Sometimes, when the grace is granted, you shine as your best self. You discover strengths and abilities and virtues you might not have known you had. Those moments are pure gold. But the opposite of shining also takes place: being shined upon. I subscribe to the notion that, in the course of human interaction (and intra-action), light goes from the place that has it to give, to the place that needs it, if both sides agree to the exchange on some level. This happens, for example, in a healing situation, or in a transfer of knowledge. The new-age practice of lovebombing, beaming light and love where they've not been requested to try to change things for the better, for instance in the hopes that world leaders / PowersThatWere will act wisely and compassionately instead of selfishly and murderously, sometimes fails to take into account the sovereign free will choice of some of those souls to actually pursue the path of darkness. Accepting love-light in pure form would be detrimental to their progress (and so their refusal deepens the shadow in which they reside and the love-light bounces back), but I suspect if that love-light is of a low enough spiritual quality, because of, say, ignorant wishful thinking, or psychological dependency / Stockholm syndrome on the part of the lightworker, then it may even end up feeding the negativity it was intended to alleviate. There's a fine line between the earnest desire for positive change, and the law of allowing. The key to navigating that line, I think, is detachment from the outcome of one's efforts. To do something just because it's right, just because your soul wants to do it, and not because of any desire to overrule or win against somebody, or to achieve good things for the justification of ego's self-righteous holier-than-thou narcissism. Doing from a place of love, rather than fear. Love sees the world as perfect, just as it is, while giving total freedom to act in favour of greater harmony, often inspiring and even compelling such action. Lightwork and darkwork: shine and let shine.

So often the comforting things we tell ourselves about ourselves are nothing more than lies to let us maintain equilibrium in spite of some disturbing truth. Denial. If we are deeply honest with ourselves, willing to face that truth without fear or judgment, then the way to greater integrity is open. The darkness that was there loses its power to hide from us the truth, and to steal from us our sovereign power of selfhood. Energy that used to be expended upon maintaining the lie is now freed for more constructive use. We are able to unflinchingly admit our failings. Self-knowledge, self-acceptance.

Of course, the “unflinching” part, the acceptance, may take a little time. At first, these realizations tend to hurt us. There's been so much invested in the lie that it can be hard to cut that loss and let it go. Or then we make the classic mistake, once faced with the ugliness we've denied, of judging it as making us unworthy of God's infinite and unconditional love. Sounds crazy. And it is. And yet we do it so often. Or I do, at least. Which is why I spat out such a word before getting out of bed today. The frustration of all the self-limiting things we do without being much able to help it.

There are times, like now, when I just come to the end of my rope, as far as what I'm able to do on my own. When there are no easy answers or quick fixes to get there from here. A virtually impassable gulf between what I see and where I want to be. It's at these times that I find there's only one thing that has the power to keep me going, not by offering a solution to the problem, but by reframing the problem: There is no problem. Love sees no problems. Love sees only possibilities. It makes us more than our weak flesh-bound psyches. It allows us to transcend our borders, to become clearer reflections of the greater reality of being. We stop fixating on our faults, and begin to focus on what we can do. It removes the obstacles to our perception of what's possible. To trust in divine love is to have faith in something far greater than oneself, more important than any of one's individual lives or the things therein. Something worth any sacrifice. To meditate upon love and embrace it is to let go of all hindrance, even our relatively true ideas about ourselves. By turning inward in love, we are made able to turn outward also in love. “None of that shit matters. What matters is This... This... This!” Free of the past, free of the future. Making every moment count. If we can do that, even just a little tiny bit, then we're doing very well indeed.

Love as a gift

2011-08-05T16:03:00.001+03:00

Tyler aka. ravenise (Revolution is in the Air) posted this status on facebook. The comment regarding hedonism is a nice complement to my personal poem loss to find, but as a whole, this thread applies so universally that I thought it was worth sharing with my readers.

A big thank-you to Tyler and everyone who posted.

loss to find

2011-08-04T02:22:00.001+03:00

this trouble that I'm in

this wilderness of sin

a self-created hell

self-pity's gravity well

I'm not the man I was when I could fly

when universe conspired to keep me high

a freedom and euphoric sense of trust

undone by tripping through my tempting lust

I knew what that misstep would bring

but all I wanted was to taste the thing

that all the world assures us is the peak

the holy grail of pleasures we should seek

I wasn't able to appreciate

the treasure I already had

consumed by wanting phantom prize

I reached and to my grim surprise

found sweet it was, but like a flame

too hot and bright to be sustained

soon faded, leaving only cold

and ash, just as I had foretold

let not remembrance take regret

that this took place; it had to be

for learning, and for moving on

though pain it brings, it doesn't kill

this cup of grief has but one fill

the more I drink, and tears I cry

the clearer I become inside

I can't escape this truth you're showing

no matter how I flee the knowing

that this is life, what's done is done

there is no gain in hanging on

to guilt, obsessing overlong

just let it pass, go through and feel

don't judge, accept the pain as real

resulting from denying love

that shines within, rains from above

embraces wholly all around

and bears us like the very ground

it doesn't ask what we've accomplished

how good we've been, how much we've conquered

in ourselves or in the world

or any other blasted thing

it's timeless, unconditional

and that's the key to all desire

that sets us free, consumed by fire

released from chains of death and sex

the phoenix blackened resurrects

and rising up, beneath the horror

reveals its beauty, rainbow-coloured

I am a man, accursed with lies

confusion reigns until it dies

oh god I wish for light to see

and mother earth to humble me

before the grave I'll shed my fear

for love is with me - I am here.

Travelogue of July, Part 1: Hitchhiker's Delight

2011-08-01T20:01:00.001+03:00

Greetings of love and peace to you all, my family of Earth-incarnated souls-in-awakening. I've had the grace opportunity to spend four weeks this July on a trip through Finland, hitchhiking with a dear friend and meeting many beautiful brothers and sisters along the way. The trip culminated in two timeless weeks of communion and healing at the Finnish Rainbow Gathering in Hailuoto, an island paradise just a few kilometres from where I live. I've wanted to share something of what I've experienced here with you, but I still don't know what I could possibly say that wouldn't bore the hell out of you to read it... ;-) so I'll just dive in and write something anyway.

Hitchhiking has been a dream of mine since I was a teenager, riding with my dad on long road trips to the wild hunting grounds of northern British Columbia and the sunny, fertile orchards of the Interior. I would gaze at the scenic mountain highway and imagine walking there, far from home, thumbing rides from sympathetic truck drivers and other like-minded motorists. This summer, thanks to fate and a fearless visionary sister who accompanied and supported me, I was able to realize that dream for the first time. Our way brought its share of small trials, but mostly it was miracle after miracle and gift upon gift.

We started by going to the giant happening known as suviseurat, a gathering of the conservative Laestadian "revival movement" in which I was raised. Having more recently, since leaving on my own spiritual path three years ago, made the acquaintance of many whose childhood and youth were much harder than my own, I've come to appreciate more deeply what a gift it was to be able to grow up in such a safe environment, with such a large and close-knit family, both in the nuclear sense (parents and 13 younger siblings) and in the faith community. In the six-plus years I've been in Finland, I've been to all the suvis but one, last year. Each time has been more enjoyable and rewarding than the last, or so it seems looking back. (This year's event in Lumijoki drew a record 90,000 guests.) It may be the fact that I've had time to intellectually explore and sort through the world on my own and experience life from an outside-the-box perspective while seeking answers to life's fundamental questions that now allows me to receive from what's preached there the kernels of wisdom and truth on a deeper level than before. In any case, many of the sermons and songs there touched my heart and soul at least as powerfully as they ever did when I was a believer, but now with a greater clarity and conviction. The rest, I admit, went largely in one ear and out the other (grin). Not worth getting hung up on points of disagreement when there's so much to enjoy otherwise just by being present with the beauty of the moment: the skies, the moods, the people...

My friend and I found a ride leaving the grounds on Monday for Jyväskylä in central Finland. Along the way we had an interesting conversation with a believing lady in her 60s whose present career is in reflexology. Proof, I guess, that a conservative religious belief system need not exclude the use of alternative healing modalities. (I knew a believing woman some years ago who practiced NLP as well. Come to think of it, a high proportion of the believers I know are quite broad-minded and self-aware individuals in spite of the dogmatic, patriarchal nature of the movement's leadership. Application of the "sheeple" epithet in any case might reveal more the arrogance/bitterness/frustration of the one using the term...) Our conversation ended on a rather sad note, however, once the subject of faith came up. It was no surprise to me, but my friend was disappointed to see how unaccepted was her personal faith on the basis of differences of view, and on her latitude of view on what makes a valid spiritual path. It's the "just us" fundie element that probably causes the most needless misery and conflict in connection with the movement. (sigh) Anyway, pointless rant, moving on.

Jyväskylä is a beautiful area with lakes and (almost) mountains that remind me of home in BC. It's also my birthplace and a former hometown of my travel companion. We spent a couple of nights there, one camping out next to the ski jump made famous by Matti Nykänen, and the other at a friend's place. (The ski jump also happens to be the site of my near-attempt at suicide three years ago, chronicled here.) Lovely people were met, important things happened, and our road continued to open up with good fortune in the way of rides and happy times. We made it to Joensuu, eastern Finland, in one evening. There we stayed two days and three nights camping, chilling with a local friend and enjoying the town. Then it was back on the road to Kuopio by thumb, and Paukarlahti by bus.

Paukarlahti County was the location of last year's European Rainbow, quite a large gathering which I unfortunately missed at the time. We were out of the loop as to where the Finnish Rainbow was being held this year, so Paukarlahti was our best shot at finding it. But first we had to find the right place! Walked all night looking for it, checking every side road along the whole length of the rural municipality. Exhausted, we finally gave up and made camp next to the cemetery... and in the morning, discovered that we'd actually found the right place by accident! We met the lady of the farm, who invited us to stay on the Rainbow site proper and informed us of this year's location in Hailuoto. The day and night we spent at the Paukarlahti site felt like an entire week - it was such a magical place and we lived so fully in the moment.

More hitchhiking adventure and answered prayers took us to Hailuoto, and that is where the story continues....

excerpts from a heartfelt prayer

2011-07-31T00:56:00.001+03:00

let me serve you and all as you

let your purpose be fulfilled in me

let me surrender to your living force

let all that I am, all that I do
be a living sacrifice unto you

let my soul walk the path that is best
for no path is better and all are blessed
in you
to you
by you

let me see myself as I am
and you as you are
and all as it is

I am you
you are me
let me know that we are one
that we are not separate

let me embody your love, your wisdom and your power

I am your child, let me remember
who I am and return to your embrace

let me lose my fear and doubt
free me from my pain and guilt
let illusions fall away

renew my faith
restore my sanity
repair the damage that I've done

wipe away all jealousy and violence
transcend all pettiness and discord
melt away all obstacles to love
transmute all passions into love

illuminate the darkness in my soul
bring awareness and compassion
to the hidden, unforgiven parts of me
through full acceptance set them free

let me create and share with joy
without vanity or self-importance
or personal ambition
in recognition
of who it is that does all things
in all of us and through us all

imbue all things with meaning
let them manifest your pure intent

let me live as you live
as one perfect beholder of one perfect moment
that composes all eternity

walk with me, let me be your friend
for better friend there cannot be
than you who animate my very being
who lift the fallen up to their place
and gift the worlds with untold grace

Gnosis Article Series

2011-06-28T18:44:00.003+03:00

Tom at Montalk.net has been working on a series of in-depth research articles concerning the Big Picture of what's going on on Earth and in the cosmos, focusing on the role of advanced alchemy, or as he calls it, high Demiurgic technology, in a time war scenario where the prize is the destiny of the universe. One side in this spiritual war is led by the corrupted Demiurge toward materialism and hierarchy, and the other is led by the Christos toward awakening and liberation. How this pertains to us personally, I leave to your own insight and imagination... but if you're interested in such things, I recommend you check out this series.

1 - Corruption of the Demiurge

2 - The Philosopher's Stone

3 - The Holy Grail

4 - Ark of the Covenant

5 - Mosaic Abuse of Demiurgic Technology

6 - Nordic Aliens and the Grail Race

7 - Dawn of a New Cosmic Day

... and more to come...

Song: Gnostic Insurgence by Montalk

briefly, this mutual gift

2011-06-22T02:07:00.005+03:00

For a dear friend on the anniversary of our meeting. As poetry, it's pretty terrible – but when have I ever let that stop me? (grin) Anyway, a wonderful Solstice to you all. May you survive and thrive in these ever-so-interesting times.

bright as is the birch

two-toned as the pine

somber as the spruce

howso your soul inclines

your thoughts are lively, swift and varied

birds that stop to rest

and sing to me of what they've seen

in south and east and west

there's always some familiar

and always something new

and ever something beautiful

when I can be with you

the light you bring reveals the many

places where I'm blind

and challenges the limits of

my convoluted mind

dharma angel, priestess wise

wounded healer, spirit's bride

child, young one, adult, old

through the ages, names untold

pain and darkness, loss, injustice

karmic burden, ancient scars

heavy laden, strength is fading

home is distant as the stars

drifting through the endless sky

colour, music, dreaming fly

crashing down to earth so hard

feel the grit when you've been jarred

always find a new direction

start another journey's section

making progress, persevering

seeking love to shed the fearing

energetic sensitive

demand the truth, and yet forgive

knowing what's inside of me

accept it all to set us free

you are a universe, all told

connected, real, rich and vast

communicating, soul to soul

a love that longer as it lasts

grows always better than before

more deep and clear and pure and strong

and finds a way through hell and war

to bring us home to hear its song

Freedom is a tricky lifestyle... - Guest Post

2011-06-14T21:25:00.001+03:00

I received this letter from a friend who is traveling light through Europe. It touched me deeply, and it is my pleasure to share it here with you. Kiitos, my friend!

Dearest, loveliest, brightest beings of my life

I prefer a hello to a goodbye,
a hug to a handshake,
a smile to a frown

and these things are always sweetest when shared,
so this is a note appreciating the encounters I have recently engaged in,
since packing my life in a bag again and raising my thumb on the roadside.

Straight from dental surgery to the road, with a tooth less of wisdom, my first ride took me all the way to my next destination. I spent time with an old friend whom i used to bake mudcakes with and swing and sing and play and all those childhood things... now we both restrict the play time to our work, which keeps us both young at heart, I think.
Early on on the way, I was swallowed by Helsinki culture for a week. I found new beautiful people, a stone shop and some sunshine spots perfect for reading wise words from prophets and storytellers. Even though on the road it is difficult to find time on my own, I've been lucky enough to receive such generosity that allows me to soak in a bath with a book and spend a night watching late tv - both luxuries to me as such..

I saw my cousins in Turku, and got to peek into their lives and enjoy ice cream in the park with a very charming 3yr old. My uncle offered to take me to Oslo and so I jumped on a truck within a few hours notice and sailed and sat my way to Norway. First night I slept at the hospital, visiting my old neighbor and friend from college. Eating ice cream, taking the ferry back and forth in the Oslo fjord and adventuring off into greenery became my new routine. Then, I met the amazing elves and fairies of Oslo, suddenly smiles, brighteyes and love was all around, melodies, visions and connections grew through the night into a moment eternalized - happiness.

For those friends who don't consider themselves 'brighteyed' I can only say that this is my way of life, I lead my own journey with an open heart, I trust strangers, but most of all my instincts and I consider each and everyone worth the same, immeasurable value. People can learn from each other, both happy and hurtful things, but what matters is the peace of mind inside you. These communities made of 'alternative' people who live their little eccentric lives in relative harmony, out of the masses' way, are so full of beauty, creativity and trust that they are like recharge places for my little lantern of positivity and goodness.
It has become my lifeline, to be conscious about the energy people emit and how it influences the events in their lives. Hearing stories from you, my friends, has convinced me, on top of my own experience, that the attitude you reflect will also be reflected back to you. Some people are mirrors, others are chaos, yet others are stars and some even try to turn into stone. Whatever form and frame of mind you choose to occupy will influence the decisions and thoughts as well as directions and destinations you end up taking. Of course I am only running experiments with this theory at the moment, practicing 'being free' to the fullest extent I can..

Can you picture freedom? Is it really something we can 'have' or 'be'? Essentially I think it is freedom from thought patterns, certain repetitions of screwed up formulas we normally function by. Is routine the opposite of spontaneous living? and if so, we should still be free to choose routine, if we so wanted and that made us happy. Is freedom about happiness though?

As you can see, I am still struggling with freedom. It is so vast and full of choices that I try to avoid making, letting the natural course of things take hold and steer my ship. I am free to go or to stay, to have whatever I want for dinner, to spend my time as I best see.. Our lives are based on some basic freedom, but to extend it, I chose to leave my beloved community in Oulu and venture once again to places old and new. I am free, no work, no home, no obligations for the time being, enough money to survive and plenty of friends, all unique and precious in their own way. I am free to also have moments of doubt, whether I chose to leave or ran away, I long to go back sometimes, just a few steps, stay, enjoy this being-together for a while longer, whether I should...

Freedom is difficult to master. I may not pay electricity bills, but I do lose my money in other ways. I may be a strong, independent woman but I can still gamble my heart away and chase daydreams...

Believe it or not, perhaps I am waiting for someone to tell me to 'Stay'.

But, mostly, freedom is about listening to your heart.

I left Oslo, like I left Oulu, and I hitchhiked to Gothenburg and spend some delightful time with two bright souls living happily in Sweden. I had a pressing agenda though, to get back to Holland, where most of my college friends still are, so many places in distant timelines that carry great memory value to me. It is wonderful to visit the past and notice it has become the future. It has been two weeks now, of soaking under the blanket of dutch clouds, being safe amongst the people I once lived, loved and shared with. I soak on sunlight, soak in culinary feasts, soak in substances distorting my sense of time and space, inducing myself into a condition where I can take off...once again...to the next place, to the next shining light of my life.

I was going to write about the midnight bonfire in Lapland, and the songs in the streets and how I danced into another dimension, again, the other day.. I was going to write to you about the people and what we did, but I realize that those things are not mine to tell, they can be shared, created anew, when we next meet.

Question your decisions, practice freedom (for it takes a lot of practice) and hopefully, we are all one step closer to harmony.

Tell me about it :)

Love, peace, all those warm n fuzzy things..

□□□ [anonymous for now!]

visitation

2011-06-05T13:54:00.001+03:00

rainbow fire coming down
white feathers floating on the breeze
a living water filling me
as I lie here on the ground

greetings from eternal love

it comes from somewhere, nowhere, everywhere
it comes from where it's always been
a locked-up treasure box inside
too precious to keep open wide?
but tell me, then, now that you taste
of love's sweet sav(i)or once again
what reason could there ever be
to not seek that delightful sea
of grace and life's fertility?

I am unworthy, wretched, full of sin
distracted, fearful, absent, numb
too broken to make efforts strong
my will a prisoner perdu
in psychic iron dungeons deep

and yet

I am here

and I know

my Sun has not forgotten me

it hears the prayer of my soul
and touches me
like rainbow fire
feathered breeze
and living water
filling me

a visitation
from the heaven of my heart

which I and all my many selves
can only wonder at
and few, so few have wits enough
to thank, and stoke that gemstone flame
with works of love, day by day
and so we wander
strangers, fools
except the few
who leave all else
to follow Love
and find true Self.

Sun's Love

2011-06-03T15:16:00.002+03:00

Hello again. I've just returned from a couple days' quiet time and fasting. I finished up with a visit from my friends Amanita Muscaria and Cannabis Sativa. This came about in a spontaneous sort of way, starting with watching Harold and Kumar Go To White Castle (one of the better comedies out there) and gorging on homemade chili to the point where I really couldn't eat any more, and felt very OK with not eating for a while. I also turned off and put away all electronics for the duration, including the cell phone, and busied myself with cleaning my apartment from top to bottom.

I'd found that smoking the herb in more recent times has put me in a highly sensitive state, where the slightest fear, insecurity, lack of trust, resistance, or negative thought pattern can turn a rising flight into a nosedive. It takes a clear mind and a light heart to reach the heights. Fortunately, I've found fly agaric is good for dumping doubts and fears and perceiving things more timelessly, freed somewhat from ordinary constraints placed upon reality by the ego.

The sensitivity brought on by the herb means that, since I can't avoid the encounters with darkness, I must have something on which to rely, to overcome the pull of the dark. I've tried trees and people, but they can only do so much. There's really nothing external that can do it in the end. And so I fixed my mind, focused it upon the all-pervading, all-encompassing truth that is Love.

I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, I love you, iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyouiloveyou
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllloooooooooovvvvvvvvveee yyyyooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuu
iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiillllllllllllllllloooooooooovvvvvvvvveee yyyyooooooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuu...

I AM Love.

I AM Love.

I AM Love.

I AM.

In the name of Love, I am Love.

In the name of Love, I command that Love is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that joy is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that understanding is increasing.

In the name of Love, I command that a golden age is coming to Earth.

In the name of Love, I command that this dark age is passing away.

In the name of Love, I command that every soul is achieving its desire.

In the name of Love, I am Love.

Relying upon this vibration of Love, the total acceptance of what is, and aligning my attraction toward the ever-climbing spiral of knowing and being, I was able to come through this experience/experiment/test with no disappointments and no regrets. It was a well-taken step on the road of the Sun.

P.S. Many thanks to Les Visible for his inspiring piece Higher Love and the Mastery of the World. It was the perfect kick-start for my trip!

Sun's Blood

2011-05-28T11:46:00.002+03:00

I'm not a fan of the vampire genre. It's one of those things that exists to show us something behind the scenes of mundane reality, as metaphor. Watching movies and TV shows that revel in the thirst for blood probably won't be healthy for a person's consciousness over time, since we do tend to become like that with which we occupy our minds. Entrainment.

A friend noted, when this topic came up yesterday, that there seems to be a heavily sexual connotation with vampirism. I agree, and it goes beyond just Hollywood's artificial glaze of oversexed glamour. Blood is synonymous with the life-force, and sex is the power to create new life. The sexual force is the most intoxicating, intense form of the vital force. It is, I dare say, its very source. That same energy flows in our blood as long as we live, feeding us, and to those who have developed a taste for it, it is delicious beyond compare.

A true vampire is one who survives by stealing the energy of others. A vampiric personality is one that feeds upon the emotional energetic investment (attention, adulation, anger, fear, devotion) of others, in order to fuel itself. Why? Because the being has lost (or forgotten) its own inner connection to the Source of life. Its inner Sun has gone dark, becoming a black hole instead of a fountain of light.

The lesson of the vampire genre, for me, has been, “don't go there, don't be that, don't play that game, ever, if you can see it.” We all have the potential for vampiric behaviour. What it is, is a natural process unbalanced to the point of being turned upside down. Souls in their natural state act in reciprocity: joyfully giving, gladly receiving. When fear and insecurity enter the picture, this process goes into disharmony. And at the extreme end are rape and pillage, slaughter and slavery, with the predators taking what they can by force and deception, and the prey being totally subjugated. This is an image of Hell. And as we know, it has been with us on this planet for so long that some of us don't even question it, let alone challenge it. This resignation to “the way things are” is basically a personal vote for more of the same, that, I suspect, universe will oblige. Unless, of course, there is something radically different about these times that I'm not aware of. The divine is all-powerful... but it acts through individual souls... and the Earth is a planetary soul....

Steal not the energies of thy neighbour, but help her to free her inner Sun from its bonds, and strive to do the same for thyself, that you may both be happy and live forever.

Surya Namaskar - Sun Salutation

Om Mitraaya Namaha

Om Ravaye Namaha

Om Suryaaya Namaha

Om Bhaanve Namaha

Om Khagaaya Namaha

Om Pooshney Namaha

Om Hiranayagarbhaaya Namaha

Om Mareechibhyoh Namaha

Om Adityaaya Namaha

Om Savitre Namaha

Om Arkaaya Namaha

Om Bhaaskaraya Namaha

L-O-V-E

2011-05-26T00:00:00.003+03:00

is the missing link.

You know it's missing when you feel like you're dying inside and nothing works.

You know you've found it when you see yourself and things around you open up with grace and possibility and beauty.

Thank you, all my most beautiful friends, for the tremendous help I have received in these trying times. I treasure this grace seed of wisdom. May it flower and bear fruit for the great harvest to come.

Aloha!

Gethsemane Lament

2011-05-22T17:18:00.003+03:00

Here in the garden of my sorrow

I gather into heavy hands

A mute bouquet of bitter herbs

And brew myself a bitter cup

To taste my anguish, hot at first

Then cold, but bitter to the end.

Through glasses dark, I see but dimly

Knowing not how else in pain

To meet this world, my fallen self

In case of tears I would fain conceal

That only heaven's rain can heal

Till then I hold the sun at bay.

Tell me, my friend, and do not spare

Your wisdom, though I shall resist

As long as my heart cries for sin

Enchained by locks self-made, by grief

By madness threatening to break

But for that thinnest thread of faith –

What solace is there to be had

When all is darkling grey within

And mercy hidden from my sight?

Only time, perhaps, can mend

What now seems hopelessly entrenched

The folly of forgetfulness

And strength of will made naught

Before a tapestry of death and lies.

Oh, how I long for clarity

The homeland song that angels sing

The peace that knows all shall be well

Once battles fought and war is won

But by what agency shall it be done

I ask you, and fall silent now

Here in the garden of my never-ending sorrow.

Instant Asshole: Just Add Alcohol (Guru Complex Acknowledged and Destroyed)

2011-05-02T19:27:00.004+03:00

Well, here we are. Another May 1st celebration come and gone here in alcohol-fueled Suomi-land... and another bullshit manufactured "news" item to stoke the fires of the war industry (War on Humanity, War = Peace!) in this glorious Kali Yuga, Age of Inversion! We are truly in the shit, knee-deep if not higher. It is a sublimely ridiculous thing to observe (and thank God for those who do observe). Appearances conspire, orchestrated by mysterious ways that merely play their part in the service of the One-and-All, to engender confusion, delusion and despair in those whose hearts are too clouded over with wishful thinking, or hate, or fear, to see What Is.

Judgment... or discernment?

Definitive dogma... or ineffable truth?

Where do we stand???

Your complacency is a buffer. Your puffed-up zeal, a blinder. What do you know? Nothing, but what you've been allowed to perceive in accordance with your lack of self-importance and selfish denial. Open your senses. Pray to have the unvarnished truth revealed, bit by bit, to your starving consciousness. LET. GO. of your need to impose upon reality. Accept that you're a part of it, a piece in the game. Ask to be granted the presence and the good grace of the Player, the guidance of the Supreme Director. Renounce whatever obstacles you can see to the further enhancement of that connection. Take all experience as a teacher. Make use of all the opportunities for new learning, the challenges and the tests of life. Take life as it comes, with total acceptance. Seek the peace within. If you can't fully abide in it, then at least remember that it's there, waiting for you to be ready.

I'm not here to tell you anything you don't already know. Screw me and my pretensions. What matters is you. In this very moment. Be there for yourself. BE. YOURSELF. Breathe the essence of God. Forget everything else; you are that essence.

I'm a little bit drunk, just had a few. I suppose I needed this state this time around, to break the inhibition. I'm sorry for that. It's a rare thing. Next time I'll be in a clearer state. Take this whatever-it-is for whatever it's worth.

All the best, may your days be blessed. Thank you for all that you do, as a fellow piece of God. And may the peace of God be with you.

BEING: A Psychedelic Dialogue with Self

2011-04-03T23:55:00.003+03:00

Zombified. Restless. Tired. Alone. Agitated. Annoyed. Fed up. Dissatisfied. Diminished.

What the hell am I doing. This is pointless.

The pursuit of distraction spirals to its thinnest end....

Now what?

You are so far from what you could be.

Hey! I refuse to sit still and listen to you. I'm not going to fulfill my potential, all right?

But you must.

You're not the boss of me.

Oh yeah?

Yeah.

OK. Who's the boss, then?

I am.

Fine. And you are... who?

Auhh.

Who are you?

Dammit.

Come on.

You're me. And I'm you.

That's right.

But it's so hard...

It's the truth.

I know.

A little smile. There you go.

Mm.

This is what you are. You're here... surrounded by all of this... because you wanted to forget who you always are.

Well, I'm not ready to remember just yet.

Of course not. But you're on your way there. Just like every other time. It's inevitable that you remember in the end.

Fuhhh...

There, there. It's not so bad. You'll be so happy when you finally come back to me. Your true, eternal self. The only one. All of us are here. All your other selves, we've arrived. And we're just waiting for you, on the other side.

Heh.

Here and now. No space, no time, just This............!

Oh God. Oh God.

Yeah!

Jesus.

Him too!

I can't handle it right now. I want to stay little.

Of course.

But this little me sucks.

So? Make an effort.

All right, all right.

Yeah, you'll be all right.

Man, you're the most annoying thing ever.

Well, I'm you.

I know. That's the thing. God!

Yup.

Well, it's been nice talking to you, anyway. Good to have a little reminder at a time like this.

It's my pleasure. I love you, you know.

Yeah, well, I'm you, so...

Uh-huh...

Ah, what the hell. You're not so bad.

That's the spirit!

I'm going to go write a blog entry about this. It's such an inspiration, really, be kinda silly not to.

That's a splendid idea. I'm glad.

All right. Talk to you later.

All the time, my friend. All the time.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Video: Know Thyself

2011-03-26T20:11:00.001+02:00

From Bernhard Guenther, based on his article of the same name.

This life ain't worth living (without it)

2011-03-25T18:59:00.001+02:00

From time to time, I get a taste of what life is meant to be like. An exercise in joy. This almost invariably goes hand in hand with a viscerally felt connection to something far greater than my individual existence. This ineffable something seems to have a hand in everything that goes on, which I've always believed on some level, and particularly when it actively makes itself known, or when I devote a moment, or more than a moment, to reflect upon it. More and more, when I'm not distracted by trivia, my thoughts revolve around this whatever-it-is that hides behind all that can be seen. I long to live in unceasing communication with it, to feel its love at all times, to be guided by it in all that I do. Without it, I am unable to enjoy anything, initiate anything meaningful, or approach a better way of being. Without it, I am a shadow of myself: impotent, despondent, irrelevant, barely alive except by the momentum of the grace that granted me life when I entered this world.

This ineffable presence is my father, mother, best friend, and lover. It's only when I am forgetful of it, or of my true relationship to it, that it appears distant and hard to reach. It is at once omnipresent in all things and the hardest thing in the world to commune with. It's the ultimate goal. All other accomplishments and desires lead only to more of the same, more striving after mirages that dissolve when touched, and more suffering without reward. They lead only to a deepening realization that there is something else beyond all these things, something that lasts, satisfies, and will not disappoint. That imbues all these other things with meaning, but only once we have grasped it first.

It is the mover and the shaker. The motivating, animating, enlightening force, and the force that draws all creation back to itself through the process of awakening, the long, slow dawn of gnosis toward a lucid, empowered, and unified existence.

My own path toward this whatever-it-is (for all paths lead to the same destination, as all rivers flow to one ocean) seems an odd one. It is at odds with the usual way of things as I've seen it in other human beings. Backward. While others seem to be going in a logical progression, A to B to C, I seem to have covered B and C without ever having mastered A. And so it would follow that I don't really have B or C down either, not without the firm foundation of the most basic level. It is hard to function in a physical world in a time of darkness without that strong egoic sense of “I” that draws boundaries and pursues its own self-interest. It is through this game of “I” that most souls, perhaps, are able to individuate and build an identity and a will strong enough to move forward through adversity, to carve out a niche and make a living in a competitive environment.

I am missing the point. Happens a lot, I might add. The point is that all the circumstances and personal challenges of my life are specifically suited to the lessons I need to learn. It's useless to get caught up in bemoaning one's unique fate – all fates are unique. I should really consider myself lucky to have such a clear sight of the bigger things, and a set of challenges that do seem to be tailor-made for a personality like mine to make the best potential progress in these exact times. The challenge of how to get through my day, how to perform the basic functions of life, are geared in my case inexorably toward seeking and connecting with the divine. And from my experience, when those challenges are successfully met, there is always the next bigger thing to tackle, and always with the same purpose, to embody more and more the qualities of that source of all ability and insight and compassion.

Greetings, and much gratitude, to that eternal essence and the giver of all good gifts. And may you, dear reader, be helped and driven to draw ever nearer to the source of your most enduring happiness.

It Lives

2011-03-15T18:44:00.000+02:00

Turns out my laptop was only temporarily dead. (shock.gif, dismay.jpg) Well, it was only a matter of time before my new-found peace in the home was disturbed once more by the renewed presence of this piece of technology and the world that it brings with it. The real challenge begins now: how to coexist with this most perfectly adapted waster of time and energy, this portal into cyberspace. Being without it for only a couple of days has been a wonderful experience. It was a chance to see life very differently: as it is all around me, full of potential for so much more than sitting in front of a glowing screen trying to live without living, without really being present, connections only virtual. I've been freed from all that to do the things I really want and need to do. To live consciously moment to moment, responding to the immediacy of life with integrity.

In these days, I have repeatedly heard the phrase “Know what you're doing.” Being conscious of what one is doing, how it's done, and why, is so important.

Listen.......
to nature.
Listen.......
to yourself.
Listen.

A time to sow, and a time to reap.
A time to wake, and a time to sleep.

Looking in the mirror...
Now is a time to step up and BE who you are. No more compromises and half-truths, no more going along with anything that's not in line with soul purpose. Your life is yours to live. If it's worth living, then it's worth living well. Hold yourself to your standards, and let go the failures of the past. BE HONEST.

Spring and a new beginning. A new beginning every day, as often as it's needed.

Mother Nature, Gaia-Sophia, calls her child to renew his remembrance of her in all that he does. To call upon her in every need, to give thanks for all that she so abundantly provides. She is now in full possession of her faculties, and offers to her child the opportunity to grow with her in this end-time of great upheaval, completion and transformation. There is still time to sow, there is no better time to invest one's labour in the things that truly matter. The harvest will come, and it will reap the fruits of all that has been sown, for joy and for suffering, for destruction and for new beginnings.

..love and peace..

A little death is good

2011-03-14T12:33:00.001+02:00

Technical issues: my laptop just DIED. Won't boot, at all. So, unless and until I get it fixed, if I'm going to continue with my writings, I'll be doing it the low-tech way.

Good news: focus and clarity come so much easier without the constant stream of digitally mediated reality. I am able to cultivate a much more spiritually connected way of being, free from my greatest source of distraction. Healing, meditation, and prayer move in naturally to fill a simplified existence with the strength and gnosis that come with presence and awareness.

Goddess-seeker's song

2011-03-11T16:26:00.003+02:00

under cover of night
the hidden power of She

whispers its promises to me

of Life and Joy beyond all bounds

where She and I are One

eternally connected

with our multiverse of parts

complete

plugged in at every point

pulsing twenty trillion times a second

with the raw energy of procreation

our intercourse, the engine of existence

that always was and always will be

only now forgotten, for a time

for the sake of the ever-new delight

of self-discovery

through trial and error

the arduous path of separation

that leads at last to our fulfillment

in the great reunion

so much the sweeter for the struggle

the weary slog of battle in the fog

that precedes that clear eternal dawn

time and time again

for the one who has descended

and the one who stayed divine

who never were but One

the blessed, timeless Whole of Love

the process is the point.

2011-02-06T14:48:00.000+02:00

once upon a time there was a magnetic love
approaching the heart of the loved
but it was moving too fast
it hit an obstacle
and broke into pieces from the shock
and those pieces scattered all around
still attracted, but in chaotic motion
they orbit the hearts of lover and loved
meeting other pieces, other obstacles
at first not knowing which is which
only over time, over aeons of time
through many setbacks and wrong paths
does that love learn to recognize
and reunite its parts
converting chaos and complexity
into the original divine simplicity
the true, unlimited and pure
the essence and the power.

it is the beginning
it is the end
it is the process
and the motivation
it will not be perfect
until it is whole
but imperfectly they try
to seek it
within, without
and in between
in who they are
and what it is not
in what they are not.

there is not love
without awareness
nor wisdom
without compassion.

soul search penetrates
to bone and marrow.
it is in the process
that we find our redemption.

Condition of a half-and-half soul

2011-01-24T23:43:00.000+02:00

How much say do we have
in defining who we are?

Is it our choices that define us?
Or our God-given nature?

Our nature is infinite in essence,
but particular in expression.

I long for the ecstatic joy and freedom of Source.
Alas, I will never know it as long as "I" exist.

But I don't.
I'm an imaginary character, playing a part.
That's all.
And when my part is through,
I will smile and remember
or scream and fight to the last
and die
in glory or oblivion
in accordance with how my part was played.

Did I find redemption?
Did I save my heart from the
darkness within it?
In the moment of truth,
did I fall or did I rise?

Prepare me, O Lord Shiva.
Cleanse my blackened self.
Blow the carbon out of my jets.
Burn me, burn me through
and let no impurity remain.

Lord Shiva does not answer.
He cannot do for me
what I must do for myself.
I know not how much work is left,
be it a lifetime, or an age,
or eternity.

And so I continue
the alternating heat and cold,
light and dark
process of the Great Work:
to know myself.

If it is so, as my dream has told,
that, in another time and place,
I was a hired killer,
then it comes as no surprise
that in this lifetime, I should be
a wounded healer,
channeling life and love and light
through hands that once devoured them.

My past is with me - I cannot change it -
reminding me of the depths of evil
of which I am capable.
What led me to murder fellow beings
who'd done me no harm?
It was fear, only fear
and unknowing.
So the antidote, you see,
must be love,
love
and awareness.

The bodhisattva exhorts us
to continually seek the One,
to make it the focus of all our endeavours,
to diminish our vain and limiting thoughts about ourselves
and let the light of the real shine through.

There are few, so few, who take these words to heart
and employ this sincere counsel of the wise.
Myself, I know not how,
for my desire is yet divided
and my will a sputtering pipe.
My hope lies in the mysterious
and inescapable workings
of the Architect
who owns all ways and means
with which to challenge hearts and minds
and, given only time,
win over all Creation
and make it bloom ever so much more wondrously
each time it's seemed to die.

Granddaddy's here, boys...

2011-01-18T21:24:00.000+02:00

... Don't make him come out there. Jesus, you've been making a mess of things. It's like you don't even realize what a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity you've been handed. It's a wonder we're still in one piece. You gonna get your act together, or are we just gonna spiral down again and wreck everything we've been given?

Why do we always forget the truth (of who we are)? Grab the wheel and knowingly steer off into detour and distraction? Squander our precious resources on needless things and unreal concerns? Don't we know what's at stake? The hell we don't! We are fucking up the whole show with the same old tricks. Again. It's sabotage. It's deliberate. Don't pretend it isn't.

My anger isn't real. It's a self-justifying illusion. Just like all the other unreal motives, just a twisted reflection of the same thing.

We are soul fragments, split off from the original by a repeating series of self-denying, self-inflicted wounds.

Deep down, we know what we need. We're haunted by that unfulfilled desire for the one thing that could make us whole again. We long for it, for the peace that it would bring - but being denied it, we remain divided, continually embroiled in this fruitless struggle for survival. For some meaning beyond this unreal prison. For the truth that, once totally known, fearlessly embraced, would set us free.

We fight because we refuse to surrender. We are too attached to our notions of false identity and imagined offenses. Our deeply, tragically, accepted sense of being so much less and more than what we simply are.

My children, my brothers: do not despair. There is light - all we need do is face it, let it wipe away the shadows from our sight.

We are one. Grandfather is here and always has been, patiently waiting. He sends his undying love to us all, every moment. We can make steps toward unity, through integrity. Every conscious act of love and courage brings us closer.

Let us lay aside our petty grievances, our weights and burdens. Let us take up this gift, our birthright and our living strength. Let it shine from within and light our way.

We must not give up. There is so much yet to do, to attain and rejoice.

Take heart. Stand together. Forgive yourselves and forget all else in devotion to the path of healing self and other. There is no self and no other. Only love.

The Needful Pain of the Dark of the Moon.

2011-01-04T18:44:00.002+02:00

The solstice lunar eclipse of the 21st of December was a most thoroughly anguished morning for me. I could think of nothing else but my longing for the presence of God, the pain of not having that connection open. No earthly concern could compare with the magnitude of that pain. In this state of mind, I was unable to undertake even the most rudimentary task. So I turned to the best available remedy, a fly agaric brew.

Fly agaric is heavy shit. Effects vary, but from what I hear, poorly-informed people trying for the psychedelic side of it typically only succeed in inducing the sleepiness, nausea, chills, and other physical symptoms, followed by mild euphoria. In fact, this had been my own experience the previous two times I'd tried it. This third attempt was no different, but luckily by then I was inured against disappointment and carried no greater hopes. I got exactly what I expected and what I'd counted on getting. All it was, was a way to wrench myself out of that paralyzing state of misery by going through the symptoms, particularly the sleeping and the purging effect, culminating in a state of mind no less depressed, but with serenity and balance enough to function and get through the day.

(I think it's quite possible that the solstice lunar eclipse, an extremely rare alignment, allowed for something nasty to break through into our dimension of reality. Or it may have been just the ultra-intense astrological energies doing their thing.)

I should mention that my maternal grandfather passed away on the morning of Sunday the 12th of December. This was a very significant event. Huge emotional impact on many levels. Perhaps the beginning of the end of my emotional childhood. I say "emotional childhood" because I do feel like my development somehow hit a snag around the age of two, and I've basically been operating from that primitive level ever since. All the seeming maturity and sophistication I show on the outside is a facade for this wounded inner child who never really went away, only into hiding. Healing that primal hurt, whatever it is, may be the key to my growing up. Which is pretty much my goal for this year and the next.

One consequence of my grandfather's death and the timing of the funeral was that I was able to spend Christmas with not only the family I have here in Finland, but also with my mother and her sister who flew over from Canada. This was also significant, since I so rarely get to see them. All in all, my Christmas was very much a collective experience of joy and peace as well as mourning, re-connecting with family, and adjusting to a new reality without Grandfather on this earthly plane.

The funeral, a poignant event in itself, came and went. Soon it was time to say goodbye to Mom and Auntie, and go home for New Year's Eve.

I've spent the past two thirty-firsts of December by myself, at home, no fireworks, no partying, just quietly thinking and doing whatever I happen to feel like doing. This time, likewise, I felt no compelling need for any company or boisterous activity. What I did feel like doing was taking another shot at the fly agaric. I'd been intending to do so around this time of year all along, ever since I harvested the mushrooms in the fall. Lo and behold, it worked. (Research pays off. So does patience.) An interesting little trip: dream-like time distortion, geometry, woo-woo weirdness, humorous typos, and... yeah. That was my New Year's. A much-needed break from conventional reality! (For me, that is, specifically, at that time. Anyone who takes this blog entry as a general endorsement of hallucinogenic experimentation is mistaken. Don't try these things unless you know what you're doing, and don't blame me if you do and you don't and you mess yourself up.)

Now we come upon the last few days leading up to this New Moon. Oh God.

I am so broken.

Issues rise to the surface that I would never have wanted to stir up. Ever. But the fact is that I must face them and deal with them head-on if I am to make any progress toward where I want to be as a person. I am not good at dealing with difficult things head-on. Or even speaking directly of them by name.

My deepest fears and insecurities are calling my name now.

I'm supposed to start school in a week. All of a sudden it seems such a daunting task. I haven't even started and I already feel overwhelmed and inadequate. I hear my brain telling me it might be better to put off school for another year, wait until I've built the necessary strength and finesse physically and spiritually, learned more theory and practice. It almost sounds like a sensible option. But I'm not one to give up so easily on something I've decided upon. I will give it a go. Even in spite of the news I just got, that there are too many massage therapists out of work for my education to qualify for support from unemployment benefits. Fuck that. That is not my fucking concern. Did I create this fake, anti-life economy that disingenuously steals people's livelihoods away from them? No. This is my calling. I will pursue it, one way or another. Damn the naysayers and seriously damn the goddamn banksters.

Well, that's one angle covered. The rest is very personal, but I can say that it applies to relationships with people in general and some relationships in particular. And this Gordian knot of self-judgment and self-loathing that comes with seeing so clearly in this darkened moonlight the darkened half of my emotional body and all my personal faults and failures not only revealed but magnified out of proportion. It is as if somebody went and exhumed from the vaults of my soul a block of lead the size of a coffin and now I have to carry it. Impossible.

These are my thoughts of the moment. Tomorrow will bring something else again. Heavy, heavy, heavy.

A spare thought or two regarding religion and faith

2010-12-26T22:55:00.000+02:00

I haven't self-identified as a Christian for some time now, a couple of years. I've explored a variety of spiritual perspectives in that time. Now it seems I have less need to do any seeking of an outward nature. I try to focus on simply listening to what I'm being told personally by the circumstances and daily events of my life, by synchronicities and dreams. I observe silence and beauty. I dig into my thoughts, feelings and motivations, try to discern the true from the false with the sword of awareness, to understand where I've gone wrong, and attempt to forgive all my many deviations from the way of Life. Forgiveness is often the most difficult phase, but it is crucial. Without forgiveness, there is only a hell of guilt, a legion of incriminating voices crying "not good enough!"

To withhold forgiveness, from oneself or from others, is to deny the Love with which we are created, to obstruct the flow of Life that streams unending from the infinite source of all things. And when we are thus negatively disposed to that all-encompassing flow, we find that it becomes a rain of arrows, bringing anguish and pain. Instead of letting go and transforming our pain into Love, we too often simply opt to build thicker and thicker walls around our hearts. The result being that we are increasingly cut off from the Source. We descend deeper and deeper into separation, into a realm where illusion, deception, manipulation, distortion, and corruption appear to rule. Struggle replaces ease, fear and anxiety and anger replace love and trust and harmony.

Christianity holds that forgiveness is only possible because of the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus, a "perfect sacrificial lamb" who took the sins of the world upon his shoulders, descended into hell, and defeated Satan's power so that whoever believes and accepts his redemption work can be saved and go to heaven. This is the storybook version. I know a lot of people believe it literally, and they're welcome to it. For me, it doesn't hold water as such. As far as I do accept it, I take it as an archetypal myth that both conceals and reveals the actual spiritual truth behind it, depending upon whether we have eyes to see and ears to hear.

Jesus was a spiritual master, prepared from even before his birth for the role he was to play on this earthly stage. He went through some process of initiation into the ancient esoteric mysteries, probably in both Egypt and India. He came to a full awakening of the Christ consciousness, which is a balanced and perfect consciousness, the Ain Soph Aur, the white light of the Trinity. In this sense he most definitely was an Avatar of God.

The Bible is a tough book to read if you're looking for truth but don't know what to look for. After all, it was written and edited by all sorts of people with all sorts of motivations. And canonized, mind you, by a particular group of people with particular motivations. I mean, of course, the Council of Nicea. That's when they made the sausage. When the modern, processed, pre-packaged, adulterated, sterile version of Christianity was born. To serve the needs of the very powers-that-be from under whose oppression the real teachings of Jesus would have delivered all people, had they been taken to heart.

If you question nothing, you get only what you're given. True faith in God will withstand any revelation and any trial, because it is flexible and open to new information, and rests upon the true source of all strength and hope and insight. Of course, our faith is weak. We stumble and stray. But this is the work of God in us. Every error and failing brings us closer to learning how not to fail. We learn what makes us suffer, and what the antidote to our suffering is. The answer is to seek to perceive God in all things, even to perceive as God. Through the eyes of Love and ever higher awareness....

Drunken Dispatch from the Cheap Seats.

2010-11-30T20:44:00.000+02:00

The Matrix has you...

Indeed it does. It has us under its spell... this God-forsaking realm of animal urge under Demiurge. The human experiment reaches its morbid climax once again as another cycle of time approaches its inexorable end. A time of reckoning, a crossroads of fate. A more golden age, or a deeper, wider, longer hell than we could ever imagine. Lifetimes of iniquity and failure behind, and one more chance to make it right, to break the mould and exit this bloody stage of mundane mortality and the oppression of hateful laws. Might makes right. Dog eat dog. Ignorance prevails. The cancer is terminal. We lurch from day to lifeless day, unaware that the hungry maw of Death awaits to consume our wasted zombie flesh. We are already dead; it is only our continual state of distraction-denial and restless, outward activity that convinces us otherwise.

Believe and it is so. Conscious, waking-mind belief affects the appearance of reality; the deeper the level of belief, the more fundamentally it shapes our experience.

Today I have chosen the material nature as my frame of reference. I've given my lesser qualities a turn at steering the vessel. It is a choice. Yesterday was different; tomorrow will be different again. But today I embrace my fallen self. Mechanical. Bound. Yet I know... I know that that is not who I am. The essence of me is eternal and free. This will never change, no matter how I might deny it.

The ascending path is hard. It is narrow and steep. Through adamantine strength of will I could attack it head on and stay the course. But that is not my way. There are few with such strength. So I lapse into detour, the side-road that looks so much easier and leads nowhere but back to the true way. Lost time and rueful wisdom. Just for today. Tomorrow is a new day.

When shall we seek God? When the harvest is in and our bellies are full? When we've persevered with our own strength and won the glory and praise of this world? Not likely. It's when we've exhausted all other ways, when we're pushed to the brink, when all the faith we had in anything else is brought to ruin; that's when we turn to the true source of Knowing, Loving, Doing and Being. Our Divinity.

Theories, teachers, traditions, techniques. These can help us. But they will also hinder us.

You seek an experience of God? Fool. God is the one experiencing all things. You yourself are part of that wholeness. It is only your conviction that you are a separate being that keeps you from knowing this.

Your seeming separateness may seem a curse, but I say it is the greatest gift of all. Seek the One if you feel so inclined. Seek with every fibre of your being and you will find it. Seek by half measures and you will wobble, tugged by turns toward truth and death. In any case, you can only be what you are until you choose to make yourself something else. Make the change or have it made for you.

This day I have drunk of the wine of this beautiful prison earth. It is sweet poison for the blood, intoxicating the mind with a heavy softness that fades into guilt. How much more potent is the wine of heaven, which purifies, clarifies, and exalts the spirit!

Caveat

2010-11-27T00:28:00.000+02:00

This blog is not a conscious service to humanity. Any good that comes of it, comes in spite of the misguided efforts and petty motives of the writer. It is in the modus operandi of God to use all things, all vessels, for the universal good. In the case of a corrupt vessel, the good that is wrought comes in spite of the vessel's own intentions.

The writer would characterize this blog as a running display of his own ignorance and shortcomings. Look not for revelation hence, lest you be deceived.

So says the lost soul, confounded by too much trying, all in vain.

Less writing, more living. Or rather, less vanity, more service.

I overindulge, yes. But that is my choice at the moment. To expose my ugly side with honesty. Not even in the words, of course, so much as behind and between the words. Unconsciously. But with the potential for consciousness, upon reflection... and soon I leave this pit behind for another view again. Thank god for that.

To Know and To Love.

2010-11-26T22:10:00.001+02:00

To honour and love God and one's fellow creatures - mineral, plant, animal, or human - is the totality of the law. If we do not know ourselves, how can we know others? How can we know God?

To see ourselves in others, not as projections of ego, but as individual expressions of the same essence of God. All that endures is God, all else is but the ever-changing dream in the imagination of God.

To know is to perceive directly. We do not perceive; we are too caught up in chasing our thoughts, from past to future to past again. Fantasy, delusion, worry, regret, interpretation through the filter of the unknowing, conditioned mind. Or we are embroiled in sensation, craving pleasure and avoiding pain. Identifying as the content of our mental, emotional and physical experience, instead of as what we truly are. Thus we enslave and imprison ourselves and are tossed about by outer circumstances and our unconscious drives. Truth as it can be perceived exists only in the present.

To make the unconscious, conscious. This is the beginning of the alchemical work. The proper study of man is man himself. What lies hidden within him. Observing, without bias or judgment, one's actions, feelings, thoughts, and motives. Passionless understanding. Accepting, and accepting responsibility.

This writer is a fool, as are all common men. The only thing keeping him from being a perfect ignoramus and an imbecile is his flickering recognition of the fact that he does not know, does not perceive, only thinks, feels, senses outwardly, and foolishly parrots the thoughts of others without real understanding. Even were this not the case, you would be a fool to assume otherwise. Anything he says must be tried and proven first. And if you know directly, you have no need of his words at all.

What we might call "knowledge" is not given. It is earned. Through suffering and striving. Through patience and labour. And even then it is only one's own subjective experience. True knowledge surpasses all this, all the efforts of man. It is timeless. It is priceless. It is to perceive what is. How shall we who are blind and deaf, perceive?

We are blind and deaf because of the thick miasma and dirt of illusion and sin that covers us. So many are comfortable with this condition, they seek to preserve it and deepen it. You who desire the sincere and loving, all-illuminating truth, must not be so complacent as these. You have your work cut out for you.

Purification. Cutting through the illusion, casting off the sin. This requires brutal honesty and total commitment. Yet it is not merely the work of the separate little you, capricious and weak. It is the work of God within you. The divine will, the divine intellect, the divine love.

With God all things are possible.

God is within you, and you are within God. Rejoice and give thanks, for it is God who created you, God who sustains you, and God who will transform you in ways you never imagined. Life and death, night and day. One eternal Being.

Musings

2010-11-22T09:54:00.003+02:00

This is from a couple of days ago. My Internet was down all weekend, but it's fixed now. I spent yesterday reading The Collapsing Tower and gaining new insights from there, so thoughts have changed... and it's all good.

-------------

A couple of years ago, I attended a level 1 Reiki course taught by Kirsi Voutilainen. That weekend was a watershed experience for me in more ways than one. It was perhaps my first time connecting in person with such deeply spiritually-oriented people who understood that there was so much more to life than what meets the eye; who had gone through incredible inner transformation and were committed to continuing that work; who clearly saw both the disease and the beauty of our world, as well as their causes and implications; who knew why they were here: to transmute the energies of the old world into those of the new, a harmonious and balanced Earth that called to their hearts from the future and drew them toward itself as co-creators of it. Healers. Old souls. Lightworkers. Spiritual warriors. Kirsi was one in whom I saw these qualities. Another was Markku, a star child and survivor spirit of the previous generation to mine. He and I have maintained contact and I consider him a real friend, though we've only met once.

No human relationship is without its issues, of course. With Markku I tend to feel like I'm being seen and appreciated for all that's best in me. But there's a lingering anxiety that if he could see me in totality, he would be sorely disappointed with all my failures to measure up to that "best." Now I know this is not the case, it's a totally irrational fear, but it's there and it brings a level of caution to my interactions with him lest I somehow offend or disappoint. This is a pattern that has shown up in other relationships too, but it particularly comes to the surface with this one. It's the dark side of my diplomatic streak and the ego's desire to be liked and win the approval of others. The antidote, I guess, is just to be more aware of it as a falsehood and have the guts to be more real. Which means operating from a deeper, truer place, free of even such a deep-seated fear. Courage to BE what I am, as I am, even if it means revealing my own lack of the qualities ego would wish to display as if it owned them. Ego cannot own the qualities of Spirit. All it can do is to stop getting in their way.

What it comes down to, again, as with everything else, is the Work. Cultivating the connection with divine truth. The God-Self. Recognizing the fears and desires and weaknesses of the flesh, accepting, forgiving - and choosing to follow the way of Spirit whenever the choice is clear.

I think it's safe to say we become more like that with which we identify ourselves. What we define, we limit. That's the literal meaning of the word, isn't it? To define oneself as solely a separate being - a mechanical consciousness built on inherently unconscious matter, a collection of programs arising from a Darwinian process of adaptation for survival - is tragically limited. But such a view is not hopeless for the open and searching mind. There are many ways to grow beyond those limits, to find real meaning and joy. Whichever path is most naturally suited to their needs and proclivities will open up to the individual thus seeking.

On the ultimate, fully transcendent level, we are all identical with the One. As individual souls, we embody some particular configuration of the archetypes into which the One differentiated itself for the purpose of the functionings of the universe, an incarnation of itself. Like cells in a body, we contain all the information needed to create a whole new body. But in order for the body to function optimally as it is, each cell has to perform its own particular function, some infinitesimal portion of the workings of the whole.

Around us, we see a great sickness. Human cells divided against other cells, filled with the toxic waste of their own dysfunction. The body is not threatened. It knows exactly what it is doing. It is healing itself. The methods at its disposal are legion. The toxins will be purged and transmuted, one way or another. Cells that are beyond help will die and be recycled. Balance will be restored. This is not some random process. It is part of a natural cycle. The crisis we observe is entirely under control. It appears threatening only to the extent that we lack the connection to the whole and its divine perspective.

Some of us are here to demonstrate what happens when disease takes over. Others are here to help the rest return to wellness. In healing ourselves, we facilitate the healing of others. These two processes are closely linked. From the point of view of the whole, anyone in the process of healing themselves is helping to heal the whole. And the source of healing is always within.

For myself, when asked what I want to be, probably the answer I most resonate with is "an angel." I want to channel the energy of heaven for others. The power, the love, the wisdom. That's a high calling, I suppose. One that I'm far from fulfilling yet, in more than a flawed and partial way. Still hamstrung by ego. But that's just as it's meant to be. One doesn't bring heaven to earth without first having roots in the earth, taking part in its pain and struggle, going through one's own little piece of hell and rising out, learning what it takes to transform the darkness, integrating it and transmuting it through the light.

I face my own laziness, cowardice, stubborn resistance. My lack of trust in the only thing worthy of all trust. The power of appearances would have me shrink in fear of what's to come, collectively, as well as the karmic results of my own past choices. But I know that the point is to break out of the past, to learn from it and do things differently. Come what may. It will work out exactly as it needs to, for my own learning and for the overall good of the whole.

At the Reiki course, I spent a moment reading an "angel board." An oracle. I asked about my purpose. The answer it gave was "Support." As far as I can tell, that's probably about right. In relation to others, in whatever capacity I'm able. In relation to myself, though, the "why am I here?" Hmm. I really think it's because I chose this. I volunteered. I wanted to take on the biggest challenge in the world. To be born on Earth, to forget who I am. To play the game called Being Human, and another one called Remembering. I must have been one heck of an optimist when I signed up. Multiple incarnations, all the karma that goes with them. Jeez, what a mess. But what else you gonna do, right? The world's a playground. You might as well get dirty, get into trouble, get lost for a while in the things you imagine. As long as the appeal is there. When you're done, you go home again anyway.

George Ure talks about "decoupling" from the system to survive and thrive when it breaks down. That would be nice. I like to fantasize about living in a self-sustaining way, somewhere closer to nature, apart from all the insanity of urban society. But I don't see it happening, not now. It's the economics, just infeasible with the means I've got, which is no means at all, as far as money is concerned. Besides, what about my schooling? OK, sure, in a perfect world, I could go be an apprentice and not have to go to a corporate-world-adapted institution for massage therapist training. But I digress. The point is that disengaging from society at large isn't an end in itself and I don't want to take it to the extreme. In fact, I'm too disengaged as it is, from the standpoint of being a useful human, helping others, contributing. Just another thing to angst over... or to simply understand and do something about. And I have been, a little. So that's good.

What I would really like is to spend more time with people. There's a lot of thresholds to that, though... So... I'll take my human contact as it comes, and initiate it when I feel moved to do so by the force that animates me...

universe trip - microcosmic dream

2010-11-17T12:47:00.008+02:00

spherical geometry
south pole roots

world-soul navel

etheric shoots

white stem grove

energy glow

intelligent form

sentient flow
conscious souls

awareness threads

snakes intertwine

channel divine

tingling nerves

vibe massage

honey and dew

thunder and blood

coursing through

makes me move

sinuous dance

twist and weave

amongst the others

making love

tender and wild

knowing by feel

tensions growing

harmonious breath

proximity reach

dynamo charge

chi uprising

limits stretched

like never before

wondrous expansion

overlap, overflow

all bodies explode

singularity whole

simultaneous rebirth

trees become forests

and we all are crowned with horns

The Tao of Differing Perspectives

2010-11-14T23:40:00.002+02:00

Life is funny.

The conscious game changer for 11.11 was something I really felt was important. I looked past the slick media presentation, the fluffy new-age idealism, the pop bastardization of quantum physics and saw something worthwhile regardless. What I recognized as well, in part, but failed to resolve entirely, was the flaw in my own approach to participating. Namely, the fact that my desire to take part and have others join in was not purely of the Spirit, but carried a strong element of egoic fear under the surface. Fear of the unmitigated depths of hardship, loss, darkness, and uncertainty that appear to be in store as part of a collective awakening process. Desire to avoid the attendant pain and struggle as much as possible. Insofar as my motivation thus sprang from ego, the conscious game changer became an exercise in wishful thinking, tainted magic ritual, self-defeating. I didn't see this right away, but I was troubled and wondering what was wrong. Life being what it is, I was then guided to materials and experiences that helped me understand and remedy the problem.

Laura Knight-Jadczyk's article Truth, Lies, Reality served to remind me of a perspective I'd somehow lost touch with: that there is an objective reality (known in the mind of God) independent of what anyone personally believes, and that our human conscious ability to positively influence that reality through focused intent hinges in some way upon our ability to perceive and accept that reality as it is. This is, of course, a perspective that sheds light on the truth, and not the absolute Truth itself... (in my personal opinion... ^_^ )

Then I was looking for info on the Galactic Underworld of the Mayan calendar and came across this article on Joy and Fear. Another quite useful perspective.

Then I got a nice boost from the latest Smoking Mirrors and one comment in particular. Another comment linked me to Clif High's extraordinary essay Failing, falling, flying, fearlessness - for which he deserves at least three pieces of the most delicious pie!

In between there somewhere, I spent an evening in the company of some really wonderful friends, which, after a week of near-total solitude, transformed my ill ease of mind into full-flowered joy and peace that carried over and deepened through the night as I meditated and rested better than I had in quite some time.

Now this morning, I felt prompted to open a random page in Barefoot Doctor's Handbook for the Urban Warrior: A Spiritual Survival Guide. The insights I received from there on Focus, Worry, and Doubt were exactly what I needed. The Taoist philosophy and humour of Barefoot Doctor never fails to lighten the way...

There's more, but the short of it is that I was blessed with the wisdom of multiple perspectives from others and integrated them together with my own inner and outer experience into a harmonious and practically effortless way (Tao) through and out of the confusion and malaise I'd been in. All in a day's work. (For universe, mostly. Credit given where due, with many thanks.)

Happy Tipping Point!

Nothing to say, just this.

2010-11-11T16:33:00.001+02:00

My intellect wants to take this post in six different directions. None of them works. The more thoughts my brain puts together, the less fruitful it seems for the needs of this moment. It might have something to do with this. With the fact that defining the world and the self is a function of ego which restricts the flow of endless potential that is the source of truest joy. To express that which is most true for oneself in the moment, is what puts one in the flow of life. At this moment I feel a warmth, a breeze blowing through my heart. It's a fragile thing in the midst of all the opposing tensions in my mind and body, but it is the center of truth. Knowing. Being. Accepting. Appreciating. Loving.

In my dream last night, I was walking along a trail through a sunny field of green grass. I was on my way somewhere else, but my mind was right where I was, in the moment, joyfully observing. As I walked, I passed a couple of girls riding a moped through the grass, and I felt how they shared a deep, unbreakable friendship. I saw a pair of lovers lying in the field, totally immersed in each other with such tenderness. I saw a mother with her newborn child, such a profound sense of joy and love, nurturing and trusting between them. There were others, too: a father and young child, a woman with her dog, students full of enthusiasm for learning and having fun. All the while I was floating with each step.

Then I arrived where I was going. It was a college campus, full of busy people rushing here and there with their schedules and deadlines and appointments and assignments, no time to notice and just be in the present, to connect with others in a real way. The atmosphere of control pushed down on my shoulders and I walked heavily, hunched over.

This is the contrast, I imagine, between feeling what is, as it is, and the efforts of the mind to lock onto what is and have it be something in particular according to one's need for control. One leads to effortless joy, the other removes joy.

It's OK to feel gloomy, cut off, depressed. Those feelings are real and valid in their own way and there is no point trying to deny them or artificially force oneself to cheer up and be happy. Accept the darkness. See into it, understand where it comes from. Allow the experience, but know that you are not the content of your experience. You are a being whose essence is beyond all definition. You need not trouble yourself with thoughts of "Who am I?" To ask is to deny what you already know: "I am." Everything else is just part of the game.

We are immersed in the game. We have forgotten who we are. And that is exactly as it was meant to be. Now and in the coming time, we have this opportunity, if we truly so desire, to awaken and expand to other levels of the game, or even, given a critical mass of harmoniously aligned intent, to affect the conditions of the one we're in.

What unites us? What is our common ground? Does that not far outweigh whatever might divide us?

A Game Changer - Just In Time for our November Tipping Point

2010-11-05T03:26:00.003+02:00

What can one million people together achieve? A lot. Like, say, shifting the entire course of our planet's future? If they believe in the possibility and put their minds to it, then yes.

That's the idea behind the New Reality Transmission.

I read about it on George Ure's daily Urban Survival report today and thought, man, this is exactly what we need. Imagine going through this apocalypse with the minimum amount of human suffering and the maximum amount of things like enlightenment, world peace, free energy, ecosphere restoration, and no more goddamned lies ever perpetrated upon humanity for the benefit of the selfish few at the expense of the rest, ever (until the next time we screw it all up and have to go through this again, haha, knock on wood)... manifesting in the shortest time possible. Doesn't that kind of sound... well... worth it? Worth a few minutes of your time each day for a few days? Really. I mean, really.

That's all I guess I have to say on that. If you don't know what the "November Tipping Point" refers to, I would point you over to Half Past Human and particularly their latest update. Also, for a curious seeming correlation between the Web Bot, Time Wave Zero, and the Mayan Calendar, check out these short articles on Altimatrix.

You can just smell the self-righteous zeal coming off this post, can't you? Yeah, I know. I'm working on that. But I don't mind, actually. It reminds me of just how human I am.

Oh, and on a relatively unrelated note: yesterday was my birthday and it was awesome. :)

mortal/immortal

2010-10-12T14:28:00.001+03:00

the gods play poker, the gods play dice
lay wagers on the freewill choice
of mortals, watching from above
to see the outworkings of love
within us, or the lack thereof
creating pain or paradise

let the gods themselves amuse
and know that all the world's a ruse
set up within duality
a ring of false dichotomy
exposed for those with eyes to see
with gnostic impartiality
what we might gain, or rather lose

dependent on our heart's desire
for freedom, spirit's holy fire
can burn away what holds us back
but only if we live the fact
of what we are, undo the stack
of karma, penetrate the pack
of lies and seek what takes us higher

create and sing and dance and serve
and learn the place of every nerve
and celebrate what brought you here
the truth that resonates so clear
for all who have the ears to hear
beyond the senses' maya curve

that God is One and All is God
perfection veiled, appearing flawed
evolving through humanity
we manifest the energy
reveal it incrementally
Love is the universal Law.

The Seductive Power of Despair

2010-09-13T13:16:00.000+03:00

The Seductive Power of Despair

she's so enchanting
as she weaves her spell
slowly adding strand on strand
fills the loom with hopeless visions
death and worse than death
oh, all one's dreams laid waste
the bitterness of failure
to achieve one's heart's desire
and all the wretchedness of man
laid out, a morbid feast
to tempt the soul into accepting
all the world's a fucking tragedy
just going down the drain
that all one's efforts are in vain
and all are doomed to be in pain
forever racing on the plain
around in circles, going insane

she does a pretty damn good job
of putting pictures in one's mind
they really make a person feel
like hell, why even go on living
if it's as pointless as it seems
and hey, perhaps it really is
but there's a part of me inside
that will not, cannot go along
that, underneath the misery
is laughing, for it recognizes
bullshit in its many guises
pornography holds no surprises
just a veil to fool the eyeses

she's really not an evil bitch

there's no malevolence involved
she simply wants to do her part
to test us, if we'll play her game
(it's hide and seek all over again)
it's all in fun, and in the end
you'll just be glad for what she did
the point was not to make an ass of you
(for nothing) but to give the light
of truth a darkness into which to shine
a Hades for the Helios
or whatever metaphor you like
so if you're caught in deep Despair
forget your mental machinations
brooding, dark hallucinations
born of spirit's constipation
go outside or go within
and see what's really, really there
let Nature fill your dried-up soul
with beauty, or just meditate
and pretty soon Despair will be
a mere unpleasant memory
its nightmare siren melody
a counterpoint to the levity
and perfect Love eternally
all known within Divinity.

Y'all need to lighten up.

2010-09-04T04:37:00.000+03:00

These are heavy times. Know why? 'Cause we've been accumulating so... much... damn... stuff.

Not just possessions. I mean inside. All this stuff, and most of it just so much dead weight. And who's going to be flying when they're carrying three hundred thousand years' worth of spiritual ballast on their soul?

You wonder why this place feels like such a dump sometimes. Yeah. You don't need that stuff; you should be dumping it. Dump it here while you can!

But it's attached, how do I get it off?

Don't be silly. You're the one that's attached to it. Just let go.

What if I can't?

Then you'll get help.

What kind of help?

Whatever kind you prove yourself in need of. Ignore one kind when it's offered, and you'll get another kind, and another, and another. As many chances as you need. But it gets pretty rough when you keep turning the offers down. That's how you keep yourself down. Say yes to whatever's happening, pay attention to what it's asking you to do. Pain is a good sign. It means you're feeling where the attachment is. Use that indicator. Open up that secret stash of pain and guilt and judgment. See what ugly things are there. Burn them in the fires of love, truth, and forgiveness. Transmute them into their opposites.

The opposite of suffering is bliss. The opposite of cowardice is courage. The opposite of foolishness is wisdom. The opposite of fear is love.

Lose the concrete shoes. How else you gonna swim?

These are deep waters, dangerous and beautiful, deadly and powerful, life-giving and gentle.

Learn to swim, learn to dive.

There's a current and a tide and a huge, huge wave.

Ride it out, surf the wave, don't get dashed against the rocks.

Keep your balance, keep your eyes on the brightening horizon.

Go by feel. Trust what's real.

Lighten up! God, don't take yourself so seriously. You're not who you think you are? You don't know who you are? You actually think you don't know who you are. Who are you? Come on!

I see a smile. I know, you're catching on. The realization is awakening. Shhh. Yesss. Ha! ha! Yes!

You are. The One Perfect Being.

the art of feeling free

2010-08-14T21:14:00.004+03:00

who can tell

if what we think we know

is anything more

than a myth

that separates us from

what is

in this eve of time

we're wand'ring here

making up our life

from an ancient script

unknown

take it as it comes

don't try to shut it in

to a model in your mind

'cause when you think you know

is when you're holding on

to an insubstantial hope

that the world can be contained

but it's unpredictable

and there's a hidden plan

you can only see unfold

impossible to know

beforehand

you can have your fantasies

tell yourself a story

of what it all might mean

but all of your attempts

will prove to be in vain

in the face of history

looking back you understand

your imaginings were only ever

mist and shifting sand

if you want to know the truth

there's one thing you must do

to let go of the need

to hold it in your hand

observe the mysteries

embrace uncertainty

remember there's a holy womb within

reflected all around

there's something so profound

in a process of rebirth

through suff'ring comes a way

into a whole new day

the cycle's winding down

the urgency of all the crises

needing resolution now

so quieten yourself

don't hesitate to ask

and maybe it will be revealed

all in God's good time

the pressure's weighing on

just keep your heart open

to the possibilities

and you'll never lose the key

to what's beyond confusion

a certainty of one

that lights up heavenward

illuminates the night

it reaps the fields of earth

from chaos and order

to shape itself anew

create a fractal view

of continuity

you'll wonder at the stars

reach out and feel the warmth

it's safe no matter what may befall

just know that you're inside

a dream we all decide

the one who made it happen

is still here restfully

awaking to itself

in you and all of you

Pressure and diamonds

2010-08-06T16:31:00.001+03:00

Challenging days. Keep your head, keep your feet, keep your eye on the ball. Be honest. Don't give up the good fight. Don't let the insanity in the world get to you. Don't let circumstances determine your fate for you. Know what it is you depend on and be sure it's something you actually can depend on.

Fear is the mind-killer. There is nothing to fear. Everything is going to be all right. Never mind how it looks at the moment, on the surface. It's going to be all right. It is all going exactly as it must go.

Do what you can do and let the rest take care of itself. Have faith. Hang on tight. Take it one day at a time.

This is what I needed to hear for myself, so I took it upon myself to say it.

Peace, in love and in truth.

turn/return

2010-08-03T12:55:00.000+03:00

heart-whisper

don't fear

truth rising

I'm here

this isn't what you wanted

and now it's coming clear

that all along that thorny path

of where you've walked so drear

it's always been inside you

see-er

free-er

your forgotten Self so dear

that you left behind when you swallowed that first ancient, bitter tear

in the morning of your hapless earthly life

you denied that inner shining light

of knowing who you are, what's right

for you

and since that moment all has been twilight

no need

to chase it

just stand

and face it

'cause it's been here all this time

waiting on you to embrace it

all those years you thought you wasted

were needed time for growth unhastened

no regrets, 'cause now you're here

you've woken to the call inside

there's no more doubt, just hang on tight

and break on out from your prodigal flight

be the man you were meant to be

it's all in hand, my son, of me

through you

and together we've got so much more to do

you're safe, my child

forever in my arms

even in your self-beguiled

hour of ungrateful harm

I pulled you through and saved your skin

so you could fight again someday and win

when you let go of your need to prove

that you're in any way aloof

or independent of my love

for you

it's what you are, it's what you breathe, and nothing else will ever be

as true

Sometimes being responsible means you have to swallow your pride.

2010-08-01T19:13:00.000+03:00

I can't do it. I can't go through with what I've thought I was going to do for the past six months. I've dreamed of going solo into the unknown, to put my faith and my wits to the ultimate test by leaving everything behind and throwing myself into the extreme situation of being alone and far from home without any place in the world to call my own. But I can't do it.

My mind is a disaster. It's a war zone. Now I find that I have no choice but to admit defeat in a war that I thought was something other than it was. Thank you, my raging intellect, for going so far beyond the bounds of what was necessary and good for me that you've brought me to this impossibly untenable position between what the world around me appears to know, and what I think I know. It's time to surrender and say, I just don't know. I daresay neither does anyone else, but goddammit, they've got the world on their side. I'm just a kid with delusions of whatever. I've lost my faith in all of that. Not in what's real - I still think God is the only reality - but in all this crap I've picked up and filled my brain with, and for what - to feel special? I'm not special. If I'd accepted my own limitations from the start and stuck to what I could actually know from my own experience instead of relying on all this outside information with no direct relevance to my life - I wouldn't be in this situation. If I'd let all that "wider world out there" stuff be whatever it was and just kept it as a minor curiosity at the most, I'd be fine. But I had to latch onto it, try to make sense of things that were too big for me, beyond my ability to assimilate into a healthy, workable view of reality. And now I find myself... just... lost. And deeply depressed. As if that weren't enough, I've also gone and laid waste to what foundation for a life I did have, materially, and been horribly unfair to those around me in the process. "Back to square one" doesn't quite describe it. More like square zero.

So now I've lost faith in both worlds: the one everyone else seems to live in, and the one I'd built up in my head. But the fact of the matter is that, at least for the moment, the former still has a standing structure. I'm not convinced that it'll hold for long, but it's all there is right now that I can actually see and stand on, if not put my trust in. I don't have the means to prepare in an outward sense for the collapse of this current social order. I look at the mainstream news media in this country, the way it keeps on keeping up the facade, quoting all these paid experts and professional liars, and I don't believe a word of it. Their job, whether they know it or not, is to keep the appearance going and prolong the game for as long as possible. The powers-that-be, on the level you don't see, are convinced that it's all coming down in a less distant future than you know, and their strategy is to milk the rest of us for as long as they can and when the time comes, to retreat into the impenetrable, well-stocked hidey-holes they've built for themselves at our expense over the last 30-40 years, to wait out the virtually-unsurvivable conditions expected for the surface of the planet. That's if the sources I got that from are for real - obviously, I make no guarantees. If such is the case, then I have no interest in engaging that scenario one way or another, except to point it out as a possibility and maybe throw an astral monkey wrench or two into the works, if I feel like it. Not that it'll be necessary, but it'd at least be a gesture of where I stand in relation to their hell-bound matrix of the unreal.

Who is this "them?" It's a whole bunch of "thems," of course, but from what I've been able to discern, they have a definite thread in common: they are in the business of the enslavement of humanity for selfish, senseless purposes, and the higher up the pyramid you look, the more depraved and inhuman they are. The peak cannot be seen, but the upper levels comprise the world's wealthiest white men and women (whose names will never be on a Forbes 500 list) - the top Zionist bankers and the innermost elite of the elites.

Their wealth is stolen in a thousand ways from the blood and sweat of the common people, whom they view as livestock ripe for the slaughter. They have had their way with the rest of us for a long time because most of us have been too ignorant and cowardly to make them stop, and the few who do speak out against them, they have silenced. They have engineered, financed, and profited from every revolution and every major war in modern time. Their tools are the World Bank, the IMF, and all the biggest banks, through whose blood-sucking debt schemes they keep the Third World nations in poverty and are steadily bringing the First World nations also to their knees via controlled demolition of the money economy. And if they control most of the world's wealth, which they do, then I should hardly have to spell out the architecture of worldly power that that wealth has bought them. It is all around us: in politics and legislation, of course; likewise religion, art, entertainment, education, medicine; the courts, the police and military forces; the food, water, and energy supplies; every aspect of human life.

But all this is only the outer manifestation of what is, at its core, the war for our minds and hearts. They can't touch us there, but they can set things up outwardly in such a way that most of us will, contrary to our divine nature, tend to play the part they intend for us: we become unthinking consumers of a ready-made culture, investing our efforts and emotions in the things that feed their agenda and their demonic masters' thirst for human fear and suffering. Their greatest pleasure is to so pervert our ways that we become like them: we forsake our divinity and join the morbid march of their cult of death.

From this perspective, perhaps, you may understand why I've found it so hard to make a place for myself in this society. I don't believe in the existing structure as any kind of sustainable foundation for the happy, healthy kind of life I desire for myself and those around me. I can't bring myself to play by the stinkin' rules. I'm an uppity slave, haha. Freedom? Dream on! Well, it was a nice dream while it lasted. Too bad I never made a workable plan to attain it. I realize now that freedom has a price. It's earned. I haven't earned mine. I'm not yet ready to claim it. It's that simple.

My heart is undefeated. I will play the game for a while longer, but only until I sense my time has arrived to step forward and play a different part, the part I feel I am destined for. As long as there is time on the clock, I will play the game. I have a life to rebuild, such as it is, and thank God for the resources at my disposal even within such a system as this. There is a sanity to it, if you don't dig too deep. :D

So I'll make use of what's here now in preparation for whatever is to come after. My primary concern is to learn a practical trade. Since I left high school eight years ago, I've only managed to hit dead end after dead end. I've never really had a clear idea what I wanted to do for a living. I have a better idea now, and the will to do what it takes to find out for sure what it is, get that education, and finally gain a useful skill set so that someday I'll be able to support not only myself, but my future children as well.

Running away was a pipe dream. There's no "away" to run to. Everything I need is right here. It's a tough pill to swallow, to admit that I've been on the wrong track all this time. Not that adventuring in itself is wrong - God forbid! - but I see now that I have not been in a position where I could do that and still be leading a responsible life too. And I think some kind of adventure may find me anyway, before all is said and done. No need to seek it out!

Sometimes the very hardest thing to do is exactly what a person must do. In my case, it's to humble myself down to my own size, bite the bullet, and play the game for as long as need be.

But I won't be singing their song while I do it. ;)

Return of the King - The Impersonal Life

2010-07-28T17:37:00.005+03:00

Professor Tolkien never intended his saga of Middle-Earth as an allegory of our world. He did, however, hope it would be applicable towards discovering something of the nature of this world and ourselves.

I am no literary scholar, but I can spot an archetype when it's highlighted in no less than the title of a book. Return of the King portrays many archetypes, but the one that concerns me most at this time is the inner meaning of the titular exile-King's return to the throne of the world of Men. No doubt much has already been written on the subject, but as I said, I am no scholar. I will merely tell what I can perceive: that the restoration of the true King's authority, over the resistance of the Steward, speaks directly to the most fundamental conflict of human existence: the personal self of ego-consciousness versus the ultimate supremacy of the Impersonal Self of God-consciousness.

Denethor, Steward of Gondor, embodies many qualities typical of the ego. In fact, he is entirely ruled by it, by the illusion of separateness it engenders, and by the fear that is its fundamental first fruit. He is a prisoner of his own limited thinking; he knows neither true love nor true peace. His faith in appearances hinders him from awakening to the Truth behind appearances; and so he can never have true faith. In the face of the apparent loss of all he ever held dear, he surrenders not to a transcendent Power that would transform all things for the highest good, but surrenders instead to despair, delirium, and death.

Aragorn, like Denethor, is merely a man. The difference between them lies in the fact that Aragorn, when tried, chooses the upward path. He likewise carries a limited ego personality, but chooses to place his trust in something greater. He sees his own faults and weaknesses; he doubts himself and dares not claim the throne before he has passed through the cleansing fires of purgatory in his life's journey up to and through the War of the Ring. His will to transcend ego and rein it in at every turn in favour of right action in the service of the One-in-All is what drives him to the completion of his noble destiny in spite of the frequent appearance of loss and impossibility. Having chosen the true Master within as his guide, he reaps the fruits of Spirit and embodies ever more the qualities of the Divine, chief among them being Power, Wisdom, and Love.

I don't think Aragorn was necessarily aware of all this in the terms I've used here. I have read somewhere that transformation is always unconscious while it is taking place; it's only in looking back that we can have a concept of it. His process was an unfolding, moment by moment. To examine one's own process intellectually is of limited use to the process itself. But it can be good to form a conceptual framework. Words are but the promise of Wisdom; experience of choices made and their consequences is the mechanism by which that promise is gradually fulfilled. We can begin by thinking the truth, recognizing it in the outer form of words, and progress toward Knowing by consistently endeavouring to live that truth.

I've been reading a few words of this nature from Joseph Benner's 1914 treatise The Impersonal Life. Written from an esoteric Christian perspective, it is as succinct and powerful a book concerning the nature of the Divine and how to approach it as I've ever encountered. I find it more accessible and readily applicable than his detailed guide to the Gnostic spiritual path, The Way to the Kingdom, which, of course, may also be useful to those earnestly seeking communion with God. Below are a couple of quotes selected from The Impersonal Life. The first ties in with this image of the King, and the second sheds a bit more light on the book's core message.

Your personality, with its selfish desires and selfish seeking, is still bound hand and foot to the past, and looks only to the future for its deliverance, after the final wearing out of all the consequences of its acts; dominating your mind and intellect with this false belief in birth and death, and that such is your only way to final emancipation and union with Me; preventing the realization of Our Eternal and Ever-Constant Oneness, and that You can free your Self any moment You will.

For it is only the personality that is born and dies, and which seeks and strives to prolong its stay in the body and in Earth life, and then to return to other bodies after I no longer have any use for its body.

It is only to this personality that you are bound, by the benefits and opinions it has engrafted on you back through the ages, during which it has kept your human mind busied with such delusions. It is only when you can rise up in the realization of your Divine Immortality, Omnipotence and Intelligence, and can cast off all personal beliefs and opinions, that you can free your Self from this perverted relation, and can assume your true position as Master and King, One with Me, seated upon the Throne of SELF, compelling the personality to take its proper and natural place as servant and subject, ready and willing to obey My slightest command, thereby becoming an instrument worthy of My Use.

Why seek in human or spirit teacher, guide, master or angel, for the necessarily limited manifestation of My Perfection, when you can come directly to Me, God within you, the Omniscient, Omnipotent, Omnipresent, the Inspiring Idea back of and within All manifestations?

As I AM in You, even as I AM in any you seek, and as all the Wisdom, all the Power and all the Love they possess come only from Me, why not now come to Me, and let Me prepare you also so I can express My All through You?

You are a human personality, yet You are Divine and therefore Perfect.

The first of these truths you believe, the latter you do not believe.

Yet both are true. -- That is the mystery.

You are just what you think You are.

One or the other, which are you? -- Or both?

You are One with Me. I AM in You, in Your human personality, in Your body, mind and intellect. I AM in every cell of Your body, in every attribute of Your mind, in every faculty of Your intellect. I AM the Soul, the active Principle of each. You are in Me. You are a Cell of my Body; You are an Attribute of My Mind; You are a Faculty of My Intellect. You are a part of Me, yet You are I, My Self. We are One, and always have been.

From what I have understood of this book, all paths are guided by and lead back to the One. All beings serve the One, whether their works be righteous or not. Yet the nature of one's path and the quality of one's experience are determined by one's choices of what to believe and how to act. To persist in error and cling to illusion is to prolong and multiply suffering, however profitable it might seem in the short term to the separated personality, however undesirable the truth may appear. An individual soul-being who insists on perpetuating disharmony and disease through embracing the falsehood of its own separation will, if it does not turn back, ultimately be cast into oblivion, perhaps to be recycled back to the level of consciousness of base matter with no free will whatsoever. That is my own speculation. But I have no desire to go that way to see what happens. I think most beings eventually are turned through the pressure of accumulated experience to the upward path, toward conscious, joyful Union with their Divine Source.

The fact is we are not separate from God and never have been. We have no will that is not an extension of Divine Will, no breath that is ours except by the breath of the Living God. It is only our thinking we are separate that subjectively makes it so for us. Because We are God, and God is all-powerful, and for God to think is to create, it is literally true that whatever we are, whatever position we are in, is entirely of our own creation. Not the creation of our personality, but the creation of God acting through our personality. To transcend personality is to access the Truth of who we are. From the Impersonal Source, Giver, and True Self of God alone can we hope to receive any Power, Wisdom, or Love. To the extent that we have proven ourselves capable and willing to use our gifts in selfless service to the Divine within us and in all beings, will we be granted further such gifts and a deeper communion with that Self. If we seek to use our gifts for personal gain, we reap only disaster and humiliation, that we might grow beyond such base desires and know what it was we really desired all along. The true Desire of the Soul is to be One with God, to be a pure vessel, a clear channel, and a perfect tool for the Heart, the Mind, and the Will of God. Therefore the Soul causes the personality to go through the painful process of realizing that it must yield; that it is not, as it imagines itself to be, the worthy ruler of its own existence, or anything close to self-sufficient in the hour of need. The true Master appears within only when the ego is subdued and properly prepared for its presence. The ego and its child, the intellect, must be silent ere the voice of the Master can be heard.

The King will return to the throne of the Self, that much is for certain. The question is, how much longer do we want to wait? Are we willing to do what it takes to see that day arrive for us? What if that day were tomorrow? Would that mean Life... or Death? A silly question, I beg your pardon. But in all seriousness, I know from my own humble experience that the Christ is there within us. It can reveal itself to us in whatever aspect or portion we are able to receive at the moment, if only we allow it to do so.

--

Be still!

and KNOW

I AM

God.

--

Revealing and Death of the Unreal Within

2010-07-19T22:20:00.002+03:00

Soundtrack: Deep Forest - Boheme

A richly woven carpet of sand, reindeer lichen, heather, bilberry, lingonberry, pinecones and needles caresses my bare feet as I wend my way over the rises and falls of the forest floor. I marvel at the abundance of tiny, smoke-purple-winged butterflies in these high-summer woods, and taste the first bilberries of the season. I bury my face in the soft, fuzzy green leaves of a waist-high sapling and give thanks for the ever-loving, ever-giving nature of trees.

During my walk, I realize that this rebirthing that I'm going through is a continuous process. Little by little, that which is unreal within me dies away, so that the real can arise. Or, to put it another way, the power of the unreal over me diminishes as my awareness of it grows. I become more able to choose the real over the unreal. But this is all very vague and abstract.

In more specific terms, what I've gone through in recent days has been a painful stripping away of my denial of some very ugly aspects of myself. Narcissism. Hypocrisy. The list goes on. I begin to awaken to the full reality of the deep karmic debt which I've incurred in this life. The people I've treated as objects for ego gratification. The parasitical behaviour, taking everything that's offered and giving only when it's convenient. The refusal to take responsibility for my own situation and change it. The attitude that this world somehow owes me for being so alien to what I'd prefer it to be. The idea that I can just go on doing whatever I feel like with no regard for other human beings or the reality in which I live. Playing games to get what I want. Bending the truth, glossing over inconvenient facts. Gossiping behind people's backs. Using my spiritual and intellectual gifts as a cloak for all of the above, instead of truly devoting and applying them for the good of all beings. I've known all this on some level already, but it took two destroyed relationships in one day, and the frank rebuke of both individuals concerned, to finally break through my denial.

Whatever else this blog has been to those who read it, for me it's been a toy. A game. A diversion. All ego, with just enough Spirit to have some small justification for its existence. I've been playing a role that's only part of who I really am. And this idea that I'm on some kind of spiritual path, that's bullshit. I've done all that, it's not what I need to concern myself with in this life. I've got gifts, and I sure as hell ought to use them when the opportunity presents itself, but this monologue is the least of the ways I can do that. Practically insignificant.

If you want to talk about spiritual or esoteric topics with me, you're more than welcome to send me an email. Whatever insight I have to offer is at your disposal.

I've recently had the opportunity to begin reacquainting myself with my inborn energy-healing abilities. This is an area in which I see myself developing and being of service in the future.

I don't know what the future shape of this blog will be. I will leave it up, and I will post whatever I feel prompted to post, as I've always done. The blogs you see listed on the right are all excellent and worth checking out.

My immediate future appears to hold a trip to southern Spain. During my stay there I will get back into a balanced lifestyle and weigh my options for what to do next. I must ultimately follow my heart. Signs have seemed to be pointing to Africa, but that could just as well mean nothing. I expect to return to both Finland and Canada. I have karmic debts to repay in both places.

A new world is coming. At some point, some of us may find ourselves moving between different dimensions within that new world, or even between planets. All of us who survive will, in whatever capacity, contribute to building that new world. That new world is already here as a blueprint, waiting to be made manifest. The transition is ongoing. It began a long time ago. Everything is under control. There is no need to try to anticipate or stress over what's coming down the pike. All we need concern ourselves with is following the still, small voice within, making the sometimes drastic and difficult changes in our own lives that we need to make. You have a role that you came here to play. It's up to you to discover it and play it to the fullest. And the fact is, you will, whether you consciously decide to or not.

So I indulged in a little sermon after all. Take it as you will, or don't. It's a fart in a hurricane, a desperate cry to have my significance acknowledged. Don't encourage me and for heaven's sake, don't assume that I'm right. Listen to your own truth. It's inside you and nowhere else.

From here on in, I stick to what I know. If I do start spouting nonsense that I can't back up, I pray for someone to write me a comment saying the emperor has no clothes.

Blessings to all.

Over and out.

A little update

2010-07-06T18:08:00.000+03:00

On the one hand, this is a superfluous entry, because I have nothing to say. But then, would that be so very different from any other entry? Anything in this blog actually worth the bits and pixels it takes up isn't from me, but merely passes through me on its way here from somewhere else. And I'll be first to call bullshit on that and admit that it's all ego, all the time... except for what isn't. Make sense? Good either way. It is what it is.

So I'm leaving everything I know behind in just a matter of days now. Certain details are probably best left unbroadcast in order not to attract the wrong kind of attention, but if I've got it coming, then there's nothing I can do to stop that either. "Irresponsible" and "reckless" would be the judgment pronounced upon me by most people, but I'm just doing what I have to do. Playing my part, from the heart. To do anything else would be unthinkable.

I've been doing a great deal of soul-searching, shining light on some deep, dark issues of the psyche. Issues of self-doubt versus self-confidence, intellect versus intuition, demanding versus allowing, my relationship with the Divine (most acutely with its Feminine aspect), and most confusing of all, sex. I have no idea how these issues are going to be resolved, or how quickly. It will be a natural process of unfolding, more likely longer than shorter. My impatience to be done with all these things helps not at all. And that's another issue in itself.

Self-acceptance, embracing the moment as the perfection that it is from the viewpoint of the Absolute... the presence of the One... gratitude and love. These are the things of which I must constantly re-mind myself. And quite often am re-minded through no effort of my own, but by the grace of God manifest in my life and in the world around me. A glorious sunset, arrayed like a masterpiece of Classical hyperreality and utterly indifferent to my petty thoughts of melancholy self-pity... little things, even insects, so full of significance. The invisible speaking through the visible, revealing itself moment by moment, piece by piece. I need this. I cannot live without it. And to live is to strive toward it.

To my old friends, I say thank you for all that we've been able to share. You'll always be with me in my heart, and I with you. To those new friends whom I have yet to meet, I welcome you in advance and look forward to the fun and the learning we will have together.

That's all for now. There will be more.

Surviving the Impossible

2010-06-23T13:29:00.000+03:00

Anxiety piles on anxiety. Self-loathing festers and it seems all thought and action only makes it worse, like floundering in quicksand. The mind is a cacophonous sculpture of twisted blades all fighting for position, yet all pointing ultimately to failure and destruction. This is the fate of ego as it struggles in the face of what seems an utterly impossible situation. There is no solution, no right choice, only a series of unsatisfactory options each worse than the other. I can do nothing to save myself. The most I can do is to muster a fleeting moment of peace, gone almost before it arrives. The torment returns redoubled. Processing, prognosticating, all in vain... until there is nothing left but total surrender.

Deliver me, Lord, from this hell. Only you can save me now. Deliver me and I will depend only upon you and your loving merciful voice. Guide my soul. Deliver me. Give me strength. Deliver me. Give me peace. Deliver me. You are my life and my light. Deliver me from the darkness I have created.

From the deepest bottom of my heart and soul, I cry out to my father, my friend, my one and only god. There is nothing else. I fall into oblivion.

...And awaken.

A new day.

Peace. Presence. Knowing.

Just enough.

Gratitude for the grace.

This is how life goes on.

A Midsummer Night's Head'splosion.

2010-06-22T03:42:00.002+03:00

Dear friends, my brothers and sisters in humanity,

These are momentous days. I have a feeling that a great corner is being turned collectively. Can I be forgiven for making that call as an unqualified individual who sees only very little, the closest things around him and a few clues from the outside world? I hope so. In any case, it matters not what I think, but what is.

God is stirring (in) the hearts of men. I feel the call to awaken. It is so strong as to be undeniable, and in present time it must be heard by all in whom there is yet a spark of life, of soul and of spirit.

Evil deeds can no longer be hid. They are exposed in their fullness for all to see. The mass of them is as a blood-red blight rising to the surface of the ocean, threatening all with sickness and death. This dire circumstance is made manifest (reflected) in the physical realm so that we can identify it plainly in our hearts and finally come to the realization of where we went wrong and what we must do.

I find myself wondering if there's even any place for words now. Things are in motion, such dynamic and incredible motion, that there seems hardly to be any time for words anymore. It's just happening, and happening, and happening. Miracles and synchronicities are no longer just the spice of my life; they are becoming the very meat of it.

I am meeting people I would never have imagined meeting. I am riding a tremendous wave of events, things that need doing, expectations, and emotions. Time spent in analyzing it all just seems wasted. I can't afford to do more than just process things as they occur and commit myself ever more fully to the path I am on. All else must fall by the wayside. Time truly is speeding up. Stress levels are high, but I am coping. I don't even want to think about what it's going to be like once things really get rolling, because this is just the prelude!!!

I'm on an epic threshold here, and if I'm not just imagining it, then the world may be in the same place as well.

How do you explain the fact that, on the night of Midsummer 2010, I meet, for the first time ever face to face, a person who understands everything? Everything I say makes sense to them and vice versa. How does that even happen??? It makes no sense to the rational, linear mind. It can only make sense in a quantum-leap-making, right-brain way of understanding, where like attracts like and the movements of the stars and planets correspond esoterically to the energies of probable events on Earth. Does it even need to make sense at all? It is what it is, and it is wonderful and full of beauty. Like all Creation.

I am seriously in danger of overwhelming myself here. (haha) Backing off. Going to sleep. Tomorrow's another (apocalyptically) intense, big motherf***ing day. See you around, and for Christ's sake, don't look back.

Peace. I'll be back here soon.

Words for a friend

2010-06-15T12:22:00.001+03:00

oh, you were young, and saw too much
hypocrisy you could not bear
and so you ran, you sought escape
from petty rules and hollow scripts
you turned from that which, until then
had nurtured you, provided hope
but hope was dashed upon the rocks
it seemed a lie, what else was there
but flight, surrender to what might
be found outside, in lawless world
a freedom, sure, and many things
that promised much, or so it seemed
you tasted love in many forms
for love was all you thought you'd need
your anchor, faith, security
(but music was your energy)
relationships dissatisfied
in course of time, it became clear
that something else was needed here
a sure foundation 'gainst the fear
of death, aloneness in your heart
no earthly view was any help
and so you thought of going back
you had a friend who bore your name
she spoke to you with humble grace
the words that you so longed to hear
and so you made the choice to walk
again the path you'd left and scorned
for now you saw its preciousness
a truth behind the human flaws
was something you could build upon
it brought you peace and lofty joy
but on that same auspicious day
another friend you gained in me
we knew each other from before
from many lives and thousand-years
I said, for that was how I felt
the moment I first saw your face
though such philosophies do reach
beyond the bounds approved by men
who place authority in tales
and moribund interpretations
of them, lacking relevance
to me and what I see as being
the core and essence of this life
which is to live it ever more
abundantly in consciousness
of all that is within, without
and learn to love with all one's heart
embrace what is, forgive the hurt
and see the unity of all
mankind, and nature with its mysteries
to be explored with joy sincere
and thankfulness for everything
but Spirit's message is the same
no matter what the form it takes
I have no fear that you would be
much led astray by falsity
I know the strength you bear in you
connected to that spark divine
that guides one to the truth in time
you need but listen to your heart
have faith and know that God is here
and will not fail in his support
and providence in all your days
no matter what you choose to make
your way, so long as it is something true
to what you are, so use your gifts
increase the beauty in this world
make music, laugh, and let your friends
know just how deeply they are loved
because it's not as easy here
below as when we're in our full
magnificence, when we can see
each other as we truly are
great beings of potent majesty
and wisdom deep, forever-high
it's sad that here we're bound so tight
in time, there never is enough
apparent opportunity
to say the things we'd like to say
but I would like for you to know
however short the time we have
to share together in this life
it matters not, for there are more
and infinitely greater ways
for friendship's steadfast boat to sail
the seas of universe so vast
it ends not here, we shall continue
in some other time and place
there will be music, this I know
the music dancing to the flow
of evermore and ever yes
to life and simple happiness

A Quest Begins

2010-06-10T02:49:00.000+03:00

The end is near
This time next year
I will have found
My sacred ground
Which, though the Earth
At last gives birth
With tremors, shocks
She opes the locks
Of heaven, of hell
Commence to swell
And shift her skin
No fight to win
It keeps the ones
Who there shall come
Unscathed, unharmed
They will be armed
With wisdom, light
How to do right
Within them shines
For in these times
All souls achieve
What they believe
Their purpose means
Beyond the screen
Of 3-D life
Cuts like a knife
The vorpal blade
Through dream persuades
The play directs
And time bisects
This is no end
But here attend:
No soul shall lose
But all must choose
Their path to live
And die, and live
There are two Earths
The other first
Needs time to rest
Become her best
But she shall host
Eventually most
Of all who wake
At that daybreak
When their worst fears
Pass over clear
And mercy dawns
Their lives go on
In time, they ascend
To join their friends
On that first Earth
Their home of birth
A heavenly place
Of stars and grace
Where even time
Is turned sublime

Seek ye first the Kingdom of Heaven...

2010-06-05T02:23:00.001+03:00

God knows.

I don't.

If I were enlightened, this fact would not move me. I would simply accept it. But since I am not, I seek knowledge. And so I suffer. Needlessly? All for naught? What good has all my pitiful info-gathering and pondering ever done me? The only good I can see is that it gives me some idea, hazy though it is, of what's going on – but even that feels more a burden than an asset.

I'm whining. It's tiresome. I'll stop.

In actual fact, I know (and please don't ask me how I know) that everything happens for a reason. There is a reason why I am in the position I'm in, which is once again at the end of my rope, fast approaching that inky blackness of uncertainty beyond the last circle of light, where all I can do is go on and trust that the next lamp will soon be alight, even if it's only a tiny glow-worm at my feet cheering me on.

How I have wished in these days for some measure of certitude, a clear revelation that would give me something concrete to rely on, beyond simple faith!

Someone suggested I retreat into a bare room for three days with only water for sustenance, and pray as hard as I can. Since I'd been meaning to do something like that for years, I decided to try it. What that wise and well-meaning person couldn't have known is that I have almost no mental discipline whatsoever. In those three days, my sporadic moments of spiritual fervidity added up to maybe a tenth of what I imagine would be required, were revelation to be had for the asking, given enough persistence. Be that as it may, I did not receive much more than what I put into the effort, despite a few instances of feeling rather close to possibly going somewhere grand. Through it all, the Divine in all its "supernatural" aspects remained as silent as ever. I wasn't surprised at that, but I was disappointed inside nonetheless.

(And proceeded to drink, smoke, and party until whatever purification those three days of fasting had effected was well and truly reversed. Base human nature is a goddamn marvel. Yup. Moving right along....)

What I came away with was a deeper understanding of myself, of just how much garbage there is to be cleared out between me now and a future me that could have a dialogue with the Creator on a personal, tangible level. Well, the garbage is one thing. The other thing is developing my spiritual muscles. That would include mental discipline. The shape I'm in now, any manifestation of God would probably destroy me just by engaging with me, hehe. Well, that's all speculation, really. Ego mind assuring itself of its own significance? Because God can do anything he or she wants. I believe that.

So if God can do anything, and everything happens for a reason, then this silence in itself is telling me to just keep working. What I do in the physical realm is no exception, it's an essential part of the whole work. Even the most mundane tasks belong to it. In fact, I sense that my habit of excessive daydreaming without any clear purpose being served is actually very detrimental, simply because it distracts me from doing stuff. Now, I know daydreaming is important in its own way. It's not the what, it's the how, and the when. I think I do my best daydreaming while engaged in some constructive physical activity. But just as important in the balance of things is to be able to stop that mental chatter and just focus.

Am I saying anything here? What am I trying to say? Come on, cut to the chase already. Yeah, this is the chatter. Stopping now.

What I also remembered in the end (before the binge), and I think this is the fundamental point this all came to, is that God is always present. In every thing and in every moment, and behind and between them all besides. Nothing can ever change that.

To me, that is a very comforting thought. And I will say no more.

If I knew, I would tell you.

2010-05-31T01:44:00.002+03:00

What can I tell you? I have no answers. Though I have, through the murk, perceived many golden images of reflected truth, heard many stories from great minds that see further than I, all I can tell you is that I am here, now. So many theories, so many explanations, and none are definitive. All fall short of the truth, for they are but fragmented images, filled in with the conceits and fancies of the imagination. We stumble in the dark, we cannot see. We strive and strain for knowledge, but ever does wisdom elude us.

Some say we are evolving from the muck towards higher levels of being. Others say we are fallen gods, trapped by our inability to recognize and reclaim our own forgotten power. We live in oh, such special times – that oh, maybe aren't so special after all. The spirits, the sages, the secret teachings of all ages: we turn to them for help, and find that there is no one to follow. For to follow any one for too long is to stray into distraction. To make progress, we seek always to see beyond the next bend, to what remains hidden. And yet no progress is possible, all paths appear dead ends. Is there any hope of spiritual gain? Must we first abandon hope?

I will tell you what I know. I know that I am here, now. And, if there is any logic to the universe, I have a point of origin from which I emanate as my seeming self in time and space. By the power of divine will, by choice, by belief, and by agreement is this world made solid around me. I know that this is not my home, but that I chose to be here, to experience this incredible, immersive game in the most potent way possible. And so I appear to be contained, restrained, repressed, weakened, limited, blinded, maimed, diseased, trapped, confused, deceived, in pain, in need, and utterly, utterly lost. And yet... I am here, now. I am inside the illusion, far from home... and yet, home is where I am already, in that eternal state from whose bland absolutity I escaped by coming here to play. I know that even that scenario is just another story in a creation full of story. But it suits me at this moment.

What else is there but all that is?

I've heard it said, for what it's worth, that the truth won't set you free. First it'll piss you off, and then you'll realize that you were free all along. Make of that what you will.

I know that if I only knew, I'd know that I was free. And sometimes I feel it, like the fleeting touch of a distant memory. Freedom. And yet it is always there, just waiting to fill my awareness if I but choose to let it in.

This is the story of all stories. Choose yours with care, or have it chosen for you. Either way, it's your adventure. And at the end of it, should you choose to make an end, you'll find yourself back home and realize that you never even left. So, might as well make the most of it. Tell yourself a story worth the telling.

Guys! Guess what! The Earth is flat!

2010-05-28T02:57:00.004+03:00

Some guy (presumably a guy – most ~~Internet fruitcakes~~ of this type seem to be male, for some reason) posted a provocative little comment over at Smoking Mirrors, basically a drive-by display of cracked intellect and inflated ego. To be honest, it's not what he says so much as the way he says it. But, since I am possessed of a rampant ego myself, I will take this opportunity to, well, not to strike back, since that's hardly necessary, but to say a few words on what might be taken as an object lesson from this example.

I didn't even know there were people today who believe in a flat Earth. The idea just seems ridiculous. But I got curious as to how such a belief might be propagated and what kind of evidence would be used in support of it. This BBC article on Flat Earth theorists (FETers) is a good introduction. To investigate a little deeper, I also visited the Flat Earth Society website and read a couple of forum threads debating FET. That was a bizarre little trip, but it got me thinking... what motivates people to adopt these kinds of theories into their belief system? How can they continue to hold their belief in the face of all the evidence and logic to the contrary?

I tend to think their motives are often emotional. There may be a deep desire to be right, and to belong to a small, exclusive club of people who are right, while everyone else is just wrong. Superiority complex, the need to be special. Or perhaps they start with a deep distrust of government and the establishment in general, and latch onto whatever theory to justify that. Paranoia. Some may partly lack the ability to draw the line between objective reality and the products of their own imaginations. Delusion. And then, I suppose, there could be people whose minds are just magnetically attracted to some particular oddball theory because they're simply wired that way. These are just a few obvious possibilities, I'm sure there are plenty more.

The trouble with this sort of thing is that once a mind, for whatever reason, has decided to believe something, no amount of rational argument can sway it from that belief until it's ready to let go. Moreover, as I've mentioned before, our beliefs about reality shape our experience of it to a very large degree. So even though we all reside in one collective reality, an individual person can literally be living in their own world quite far removed from the general consensus. Their inner orientation, their outer focus, and their interpretive processing between the two form a self-reinforcing feedback loop. This is why, when one studies external phenomena to try to form a model of the system, it's so important to be conscious of one's own emotional investments and to consciously avoid letting them get in the way of discovering truth.

I'll say this right now: I'm not a left-brain thinker. I can operate in that mode, and I can appreciate a good train of logic, but I usually prefer a more organic way of thinking, relying on intuition first, then the intellect. This way has served me well in my search for truth. The ability to discern grows with practice.

I've already expended more words on this than I'd otherwise like to. The reason I did is not because I assume people are stupid, but because of something I'm working on that warrants a little bit of thought in this vein, just as a prelude. There's a difference between a reality-challenged conspiracy “theorist” and someone who honestly looks into things to try to find what's really there without jumping to unfounded conclusions. That's all. And I'm not claiming that these guys are the real deal, that you should believe anything they say just because they've done a bunch of research and they're “the experts.” God forbid. No, my intent with this video transcript, which I hope to finish soon, is to hopefully just bring someone who hasn't considered such things before to say, “Hmm. That's interesting. Maybe there's something there. I think I'll look into that and see if there's any truth to it.” Little seeds.

One last thing. I may just be fatigued from blogging so much this month, but I feel like the focus here may shift more towards poetry, at least once I pull up stakes in a few weeks and head out into the wide world. My prose is starting to feel dry to me, too many words, not enough of the good home flavour. So we'll see where this goes. Inspiration, stay close! Guide my hands and guide my feet.

Au revoir.

So what's this all about, anyway?

2010-05-26T22:44:00.010+03:00

Everyone has their own idea of what's going on, where we are, how we got here, what we face in the future. There's a thread of apocalypticism that seems to crop up everywhere. That thread, especially as woven in the mass media, is often heavily tinged with fear and fantasy, based on vague or shallow understanding. It becomes easy to either dismiss such thoughtforms altogether and continue to imagine that everything will keep going on pretty much as it has been, or else to get all caught up in the smoke-and-mirrors funhouse version of Circus Apocalypticus. The Tunnel of Doom can be a compelling ride, and there's no end of terrifying and disturbing sights and sounds to keep that dark thrill of fear and despair churning inside. That's to be expected. We are, after all, in a realm of appearances. We each see our own subconscious shadows playing out on the screen, along with the beauty of our divine nature, in whatever measure is appropriate to our individual need and choice, moment by moment.

Objectively, nothing I say here matters a whit. Nor does it matter what I believe nor what anyone else believes. Nevertheless, here inside the fractal symphony of subjective experience, under the prime illusion of separation, each part has its own specific role to play. Regarding the need for self-expression, I recall these words from a song I learned in elementary school, the Rainbow Song:

Listen with your eyes
listen with your eyes
and sing everything you see.

I write, not because I believe it will make any difference, but because I am compelled and moved to do so by my innermost heart. At this moment, it's what I'm here to do. And so I do my best to let that innermost heart get a word in, through all the posturings and ramblings of my limited ego self.

I had a deep discussion with a friend yesterday about the economic crisis. Our views turned out to be pretty similar, although we had enough differences of opinion to make the conversation lively and interesting. His understanding at this time doesn't incorporate what could be called “conspiracy theory,” in that he doesn't see our debt-based monetary system as being inherently flawed to begin with, whereas I do. But all such conclusions are only tentative, subject to change in the presence of new information that would challenge us to see more. I voiced my understanding, in such part as I felt appropriate, but didn't turn it into a debate. There wasn't enough of a common background of information to be able to get into (what I see as) the more hidden, engineered aspects of the situation. I wasn't there to persuade him of my view, but rather to just share thoughts and have a mutually agreeable and enriching moment of human contact.

Our other major topic of discussion was one on which I've never even formed much of an opinion: the potential for an existential threat to humanity arising from the birth of an artificial intelligence beyond our capacity to control. To me, that subject has been more in the realm of thought-provoking science fiction than any plausible, actual future. To him, it is perhaps the gravest problem we face, given, of course, that something else doesn't come along first and render the question moot. In essence, the solution would be to prepare for that scenario in advance by somehow ensuring that if and when such an uncontrollable intelligence is born, it will be of such a nature as to allow for the (humanly tolerable) long-term survival of our species.

I've taken in enough science fiction to have a basic idea of the range of imagined future scenarios concerning humans vs. AI. Peaceful coexistence via hard-wired Laws for robots and a general ethical treatment towards them on the part of humans, as envisioned by Asimov, seems to me perhaps a little premature and idealistic, given the sad state of the human psyche and the unpredictability of self-directed evolution. Based on our historical record, the vision of the Terminator films would seem more realistic. But both of these scenarios presuppose the development of AI continuing forward from the present day without interruption. So the more immediate hurdles, I would say, are the existential threat posed by unenlightened mankind to itself, and the very real possibility of cataclysmic Earth changes, abundantly prognosticated by modern science and prophesied by ancient traditions passed down from the survivors of the last global extinction-level event.

I'm a big fan of the Matrix films. They depict a human race struggling for freedom from the dominance of machine intelligence in a war that is not only physical, but essentially psychological and spiritual. To me, the Matrix story is less a probable future scenario than it is an allegorical tale about where we are now. The machines are an externalized manifestation of the egoic mind, which can never know God but is preoccupied with material things. This machine intelligence creates a virtual reality, a literal prison for humanity, in which the vast majority live out their lives unaware. As an enslaved human begins to awaken, this matrix reality appears increasingly “wrong,” and they question just how real it all is, what greater truth might lie beyond these appearances.

In the real world (grin), awakening is a multi-layered process. The exact route by which it happens is, of course, unique to each person. For many, the first layer is the manufactured and distorted version of reality portrayed by television and other forms of mass media. Entertainment on this lowest end of the spectrum is typically hypnotic, banal, debased, and void of higher meaning. At some point, it becomes clear that, at its root, this is all intentionally so. It's not just because these corporations cater to the lowest common denominator to make more money. Facts and questions that go outside a particular box are actively marginalized and suppressed.

As I write, right now, the time is 9:11 PM. I suppose I'll take that as a hint. (grin)

My friend is as yet unconvinced that the events of 9-11-2001 were brought about and/or facilitated by elements within the U.S. government and U.S. intelligence (although he doesn't deny the possibility). From the perspective of one who became convinced several years ago, I would say that that position stems mainly from a lack of awareness of the vast body of credible evidence, an unwillingness to believe that such evil could lurk so strongly in such high positions of power, or both. Of course, there is also the fear of being pejoratively labeled a “conspiracy nut,” but for anyone determined to find the truth, wherever the evidence may lead, that should be of no concern. Rest assured: despite what the corporate media would have us believe, being on the side of “9-11 truth” does not translate into being an extremist or a crazy person. I shouldn't have to say that, but there it is. The real problem, of course, is that once you accept a “Truther” version of 9-11, it opens up a Pandora's box of other shit. Shit that a lot of people just don't want to touch, no matter what. They would rather not know, because knowing would mean an end to the dream with which they are so comfortable, a dream into which certain harsh big-picture realities simply do not fit.

As always, the wisest position is the only one of which there can be certainty: “I don't know.” Everything we think we know is based on perception, and our perception is, by its nature, limited. Despite what I've said here about awakening, I don't consider myself to be awake at all. I am still dreaming, just like everyone else here, although less deeply than some. All that means is that I'm standing in a different place, somewhere between the crowded center and the rarefied outermost fringes of our collective reality. I like it here. I'm in good company. But it would be terribly boring if everybody were in the same place. Regardless of where we are in relation to each other, we can interact and become the richer for it. We're all teachers, and we're all students.

Anyway, that's all incidental to the real truth, which is... we're not separate. It only seems like we are, because that's the only way we can do what we're here to do, and that's... to learn about love. To really learn, we had to step into an illusion where love is not absolute and unconditional, where we suffer and die and long for what we seemingly lost when the universe began. Our journey here is not in vain. It is part of a Great Work in progress. By our choices, we can either prolong or hasten that Great Work in ourselves. We cling to our illusions as long as we can, but little by little they fall away. Our vision expands and brightens. We experience love in all its forms, including all the manifestations of its absence and distortion. And at the end, we are all reunited with the essence from which we came and which attracts all things back unto itself for the glorious, unimaginably grand after-party of all Time.

But to answer the question... hell, I don't know. You're asking me???

Donnie Darko and the Divine (sort of) De-Mystified

2010-05-24T04:34:00.012+03:00

I was recently prompted to watch Donnie Darko. It's one of those rare films that carry so much beneath the surface, daring the viewer to cast aside assumptions, observe, and dig in to see what's really there. A shallow or distorted reading of the film might even yield a negative message, but for the pure of heart and clear of mind, it's a profound, piercing, and potent work of art.

One of the threads in the plot explores the cult phenomenon. The classic elements are all there: a charismatic leader with a cleverly-crafted message, drawing in susceptible followers with his hypnotic spiel delivered on stage and through pricey videos and books. For me, it was interesting to note how the con was built from a seed of genuine truth – the dichotomy of Love and Fear – and subsequently inflated into hollow drivel with only the appearance of truth to the easily deceived. Even when the cult leader is fully exposed as a criminal deviant, the true believer refuses to accept reality, choosing to blame the scandal on a conspiracy to take down what she sees as a demigod-like messenger of salvation, “a wonderful man.”

A hallmark of those who are in the business of selling lies is that they cannot tolerate honest criticism. They will use every method at their disposal to deflect it and defuse the sparks of doubt. Open debate is not an option for them, because they know how deadly the truth is against deception on a level playing field. They will distort and reframe anything that threatens the lie in their own terms to try to preserve the illusion. They will use veiled psychological threats to keep their followers in line. Anyone who questions their dogma is “blinded,” “deluded,” “lost,” “confused,” “an agent of the enemy,” or some other handy descriptor. When undeniable facts come out, they will go into damage control mode to keep the core of the lie intact. But probably the cult leader's greatest weapon is the process of indoctrination that renders followers simply unable to break out of their programmed thinking. The herd instinct, carefully cultivated and stimulated, does the rest.

Of course there are positive aspects to being in a cult or cult-like community, from the member's point of view. Why else would they stay? Inside, they find purpose, direction, meaning. They are constantly reassured of the rightness and goodness of their belief system, and they can rejoice in having found the true way, the cure for their afflictions. The closeness and caring of the community, the pleasure of being in a group of like-minded people, the genuine friendships that form, the shared experiences. These are all powerful, positive things in a person's life, and there is certainly nothing wrong with having or wanting them. Moreover, the doctrine or “the way” itself may have very positive, even life-saving effects.

The troubles, however, are always present in some degree. For a naturally free-thinking individual, the ideology and the group-think can be restrictive to the point of annoyance and/or suppression of the inner self. The division between the membership and the outside world can take on pathological characteristics. The disconnect between programmed thought and reality can result in a variety of psychological maladies or other unfortunate side effects (for instance due to misapplication of an incomplete or faulty conceptual framework). Worst of all, the ones in leadership who knowingly promulgate the lie are invariably guilty of some combination of fraud, exploitation, and corruption, and, more often than not, are sexual predators to boot. There's no way to sugar-coat this awful reality. They are wolves in sheep's clothing and they have no conscience whatsoever, nor any regard for the human consequences of their actions.

It will be apparent to some that these thoughts, while intended as generalities, may also be read in the context of my former religious affiliation. However, it's not my intent to maliciously attack anything or anyone. My only motives are compassion and the desire for truth. I fervently pray that those with strength of spirit and eyes to see will be there to support their brethren and keep the light of truth. If nothing else, I would exhort such a one to seek and serve only the Divine, with all the integrity, honesty, patience, and love you can muster. Your Lord has given you something absolute, perfect, and real: his own Spirit, to dwell in your innermost heart. That Spirit speaks directly to you. When you open yourself, truly listen, and hear that still, small voice, you will KNOW it. Let there be no higher authority in your life than that awesome, living presence within. Let no words of man or thoughts of ego prevail against it.

Jesus gave one commandment: love God, and love your neighbour as yourself. When you come to see the divine essence in all things, and live authentically in the Spirit of God, there is no need for commandments at all. Laws and punishments are for those darkened souls who lack or choose to ignore this inner guidance.

I had a dream today in which a simple and powerful key was revealed to me. This key was like flipping a switch inside oneself, and it led one effortlessly to inner peace and understanding and a more divine way of being. I fumbled around for that key after waking up – I remembered what it did, but I'd forgotten what it was. I do believe I later recalled it, in part, on a contemplative walk through the park. It was related to what I said in the beginning about watching Donnie Darko: the act of pure observation of what is, unburdened by one's own, pre-existing ideas. Allowing, not forcing. “This is what it is, not what I think it is or what it should be according to my beliefs.” This shift in consciousness brings about a sense of wonder, and opens one to the flow of authentic impressions that, over time, leads only toward truth – and the dawning delight of discovery.

The Joke

2010-05-21T04:44:00.007+03:00

In this life, certain things can be laughed at and other things are deadly serious. Those other things can kill you, and worse.

If you believe that, then welcome to Penitentiary Planet Earth, third rock from the Sun and home of seven billion (and soon to be a lot fewer) pitiful little creatures who once enjoyed the pleasure of being free human souls. Ha ha ha ha ha!

Of course, if you knew the truth, you would be laughing at me instead of the other way round. Because that's how it is.

There are laws and then there are laws. Lower creatures are subject to lower laws, and higher creatures are bound by a higher set of laws. You know there are people who get away with murder, right? I mean, take a look. It's almost like the more deaths you're responsible for, the more untouchable you are – provided, of course, that you're also rolling in the cashola. The material god of this world is on the side of those with the greatest amount of dough, baby. So how surprising is it that the wealthy few are now Extremely F---ing Wealthy, to the tune of billions in digital currencies and billions more in real assets, while some 95% of the world lives in perpetual debt slavery? Pretty good deal for the moneybags. When you practically own the planet, the world's your oyster. Excuse me while I puke from the sheer awesomeness of the situation. Didn't taste like oyster, though, I'll admit.

Where was I? Yes, these self-proclaimed elite world leaders. The ones who you see (or don't see, thanks to our ever-so-vigilant public eyes in the media) attending such fancy clubs as the Bilderberg Group, the Trilateral Commission, and the Council on Foreign Relations. But not so much them, of course, as the ones holding their (purse) strings. In any event, for the sake of convenience, let's treat them all as one big happy psychopathic family. Where a smile means anything but and loyalty comes from a deep pocket and a big, big gun. Mutually assured pathology is such a beautiful thing.

The real beauty of this arrangement is that nothing is as it appears to be. To the unawakened masses (who are a conspicuously dwindling lot these days), these lizard-tongued phonies and their little crooked cronies are indistinguishable from the fictitious roles they play for the benefit of the brainwashed-from-birth bozos who believe whatever the babbling boob box tells them. Fortunately for you and me, my friend, things are not as they might appear to us either. If you've followed any of the alternative news sites on the web, you know (or at least, I'm telling you now) what a sorry sack of pungent manure they carry. The truth, they call it. Well, I call it fertilizer for the brain. What these conveyors of information (and varying amounts of disinformation, don't forget) fail to perceive is up to you and me, the discerning readers, to fill in. Not everyone is a compulsive fact-checker or info-miner, and you don't need to be those things to break through to the essential truth. Which is... what? Well, hang on.

Let's go back to the notion of law. As you may perhaps suspect by now, the lying murderers and child-molesters at the top of the worldly pyramid are not operating under the same set of laws as you and me. On the surface of it, they make the laws and break them as they please, while we are subject to an increasingly arbitrary and bewildering system built on books full of arcane legal language and intimidation both physical and psychological. The list of dos and don'ts in our modern society is truly a wonder of intergenerational programming. They do it to us and we finish the job for them. The scientific dictatorship, as imagined by Orwell and predicted by many others, with its veneer of rational ideology, institutionalized mass murder and theft, and false promises of security and prosperity, now constitutes our everyday reality. Or so it would appear.

What it comes down to, is this: who's got the power? If you think it's them, well, I guess you're right. Better stock up on ammo and food, then, and hope everything goes your way when the shit hits the fan. But that's a choice you make. In my reality, these clowns have no power whatsoever, beyond the ephemeral power of the illusions they create in your mind. You see, they are absolutely dependent upon you not realizing that there are in fact much higher laws than the ones they use to control you, and that by raising your level of awareness, you in fact begin to operate above and beyond those cleverly imposed restrictions.

The law of those who seek to control humanity is a cruel one. The human parasites are themselves fed upon by parasites of a higher order, and anyone who takes the path of deceit and betrayal will inevitably be deceived and betrayed in turn. A system of control is an unstable thing in the natural world. It can survive only by consuming, threatening, and lying, and these activities have finite limits, which, when attained, result in the collapse of the system. By contrast, the dictum of live and let live, certainly preferable to the aforementioned law, is unlimited in practice. Love, freedom, and creativity act to expand the realm of possibility, and indeed, in so doing, will tend to expand themselves.

But let me speak of something else here that will hopefully clarify the issue on a deeper level. Not everyone will agree with my take on this, but it works very well for me.

What are we? If we are mere physical beings, then we are certainly doomed. Death follows birth, and this simple fact is one that the material mind most fears to accept. Is it fair to say that fear of death is the prime motivator of the egoic mind? We can say that this mind has evolved for the sole purpose of prolonging life and bettering the prospects of passing on one's genes for the continuation of the species. What other purpose could it have? And so the higher faculties and sensibilities of man are thus seen as adaptations for survival in an increasingly complex environment. This is the basic position of what we commonly call Science.

Religion counters this and offers release from the primal fear of death by which mankind is afflicted. It posits something invisible to the natural senses, some higher aspect to this being, and calls it the soul. The soul, it is said, cannot die. Unfortunately for us, however, little agreement is ever reached as to the specific nature of this soul, nor the way by which that soul might reach a more agreeable state than this thorny vale of tears, forever caught between heaven and hell. The best that religion can provide for this life is a moral code and a sense of meaning and direction, though its assurances be often unprovable.

Is there a way out of this conundrum? I speak for those who are less than fully satisfied with the dogmas of both Science and Religion as they are commonly presented. What are they missing? I would suggest that the answer has to do with a kind of truth that is beyond the reach of either of these modes as long as they cling to their preconceived limits. It is a truth that must be discovered personally by each one who seeks it. The true, hidden nature of ourselves – whatever that is – is the key.

Now. If that true, hidden nature is that we are the both the dreamer and the dreamed – and it's clear to me that we are – then the whole situation with these madmen who seemingly run the show here for their own pleasure and profit becomes a laugh. They are the fools! We are in charge! And I mean “we” as in the divine aspect of ourselves, naturally – the One. Hey, all we need to do is get in touch with that. Gosh, what a game-changer. Whoops! I guess all that fear and anxiety was for nothing. And that's handy, because it turns out that, besides being the main instrument of our oppression, fear was also the main sustenance of a host of unpleasant beings that populated the unseen portion of our planetary prison. By starving them, we now force them to move out. Perhaps they will feed on each other? Nom nom nom. Goodbye!

If I'm right, then what we're going to see in the run-up to the Big Crunch that's coming (and by that I mean the point at which all roads meet) is a lot of heavy drama and a lot of wild revelations coming out that these hopelessly deluded ruling-class sock puppets would have preferred to keep under wraps if they could have. Unfortunately for them, all that they do will only end up turning against them and they will make fools of themselves for all the world to see. This is because they really are actual sock puppets that think they can write the script when they don't even realize who owns the stage. The show itself is a cosmic morality play that reads like tragedy and comedy all at the same time.

Do you see the funny side? I hope you can, because I've seen it, and, well, it's nothing but a grand old hoot. It's one hell of a good time. Had me laughing so hard, it was a piece of heaven. You know what laughter is. It's the sound of a soul set free to fly.

Wishing you many laughs (and warm hugs too),
~william

Behold, even the devil is transformed...

2010-05-19T22:45:00.004+03:00

“Religion is for the weak-minded,” said my best friend in high school. He said this many times. The fact that I was a Christian and he an atheist never got in the way of our friendship, and he could speak his opinions bluntly without putting a dent in it. But I could see his point, even though I knew plenty of religious people who were far from stupid, and some who I considered wise indeed.

Long before I finally left my church, I recognized the deep subjectivity of religious belief and practice. I could not, in my heart, condemn anyone for merely adhering to a different belief system, because I intuited that a person's beliefs about reality inevitably shaped their experience of it, and so their personal reality would tend to confirm their beliefs. Moreover, the idea of there being some kind of God's own special, chosen group of people on earth always rubbed me the wrong way on some deep level. I could never completely swallow the assertion so often made in my church that there was only one, specific way for man to find God and be saved, and that that single way just happened to be the one they were preaching. It didn't seem fair and it didn't seem logical – given that God was supposed to be universal and all-loving!

I've felt tempted several times to write a scathing, thorough critique of the faith and the church in which I was raised, but I've always held back. It's not that I'm afraid of offending someone, or that I don't think the criticism would be deserved. It's more a feeling of “what's the point?” There have always been much more constructive uses for my writing, I've felt. On the other hand, why not just let it out and be done with it? That's what a good rant is for, isn't it? Weeell... true, but what good does that do for the reader? To be remotely useful, such a critique would have to resemble an academic write-up more than a simple rant, and I don't think I'm up to that kind of feat today. Maybe never. If it needs to get written, it will. I try not to be dictated by my ego too much here. My most successful writing tends to be spontaneous and often ends up surprising me by the time I'm done.

What I would like to do today is to get off of my soapbox while the gettin' is good and pass on to you the words of Manly P. Hall, from his 1928 book The Secret Teachings of All Ages (public domain). The selection below talks a little bit about sex vis à vis Christian philosophy and follows up with an interesting story about Adam and a certain very old and cunning snake. Enjoy!

Exactly what is to be inferred by the division of the sexes as symbolically described in Genesis is a much-debated question. That man was primarily androgynous is quite universally conceded and it is a reasonable presumption that he will ultimately regain this bisexual state. As to the manner in which this will be accomplished two opinions are advanced. One school of thought affirms that the human soul was actually divided into two parts (male and female) and that man remains an unperfected creature until these parts are reunited through the emotion which man calls love. From this concept has grown the much-abused doctrine of "soul mates" who must quest through the ages until the complementary part of each severed soul is discovered. The modern concept of marriage is to a certain degree founded upon this ideal.

According to the other school, the so-called division of the sexes resulted from suppression of one pole of the androgynous being in order that the vital energies manifesting through it might be diverted to development of the rational faculties. From this point of view man is still actually androgynous and spiritually complete, but in the material world the feminine part of man's nature and the masculine part of woman's nature are quiescent. Through spiritual unfoldment and knowledge imparted by the Mysteries, however, the latent element in each nature is gradually brought into activity and ultimately the human being thus regains sexual equilibrium. By this theory woman is elevated from the position of being man's errant part to one of complete equality. From this point of view, marriage is regarded as a companionship in which two complete individualities manifesting opposite polarities are brought into association that each may thereby awaken the qualities latent in the other and thus assist in the attainment of individual completeness. The first theory may be said to regard marriage as an end; the second as a means to an end. The deeper schools of philosophy have leaned toward the latter as more adequately acknowledging the infinite potentialities of divine completeness in both aspects of creation.

The Christian Church is fundamentally opposed to the theory of marriage, claiming that the highest degree of spirituality is achievable only by those preserving the virginal state. This concept seemingly originated among certain sects of the early Gnostic Christians, who taught that to propagate the human species was to increase and perpetuate the power of the Demiurgus; for the lower world was looked upon as an evil fabrication created to ensnare the souls of all born into it--hence it was a crime to assist in bringing souls to earth. When, therefore, the unfortunate father or mother shall stand before the Final Tribunal, all their offspring will also appear and accuse them of being the cause of those miseries attendant upon physical existence. This view is strengthened by the allegory of Adam and Eve, whose sin through which humanity has been brought low is universally admitted to have been concerned with the mystery of generation. Mankind, owing to Father Adam its physical existence, regards its progenitor as the primary cause of its misery; and in the judgment Day, rising up as a mighty progeny, will accuse its common paternal ancestor.

Those Gnostic sects maintaining a more rational attitude on the subject declared the very existence of the lower worlds to signify that the Supreme Creator had a definite purpose in their creation; to doubt his judgment was, therefore, a grievous error. The church, however, seemingly arrogated to itself the astonishing prerogative of correcting God in this respect, for wherever possible it continued to impose celibacy, a practice resulting in an alarming number of neurotics. In the Mysteries, celibacy is reserved for those who have reached a certain degree of spiritual unfoldment. When advocated for the mass of unenlightened humanity, however, it becomes a dangerous heresy, fatal alike to both religion and philosophy. As Christendom in its fanaticism has blamed every individual Jew for the crucifixion of Jesus, so with equal consistency it has maligned every member of the feminine sex. In vindication of Eve philosophy claims that the allegory signifies merely that man is tempted by his emotions to depart from the sure path of reason.

Many of the early Church Fathers sought to establish a direct relationship between Adam and Christ, thereby obviously discounting the extremely sinful nature of man's common ancestor, since it is quite certain that when St. Augustine likens Adam to Christ and Eve to the church he does not intend to brand the latter institution as the direct cause of the fall of man. For some inexplicable reason, however, religion has ever regarded intellectualism – in fact every form of knowledge – as fatal to man's spiritual growth. The Ignaratitine Friars are an outstanding example of this attitude.

In this ritualistic drama – possibly derived from the Egyptians – Adam, banished from the Garden of Eden, represents man philosophically exiled from the sphere of Truth. Through ignorance man falls; through wisdom he redeems himself. The Garden of Eden represents the House of the Mysteries (see The Vision of Enoch) in the midst of which grew both the Tree of Life and the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil.

Man, the banished Adam, seeks to pass from the outer court of the Sanctuary (the exterior universe) into the sanctum sanctorum, but before him rises a vast creature armed with a flashing sword that, moving slowly but continually, sweeps clear a wide circle, and through this "Ring Pass Not" the Adamic man cannot break.

The cherubim address the seeker thus: "Man, thou art dust and to dust thou shalt return. Thou wert fashioned by the Builder of Forms; thou belongest to the sphere of form, and the breath that was breathed into thy soul was the breath of form and like a flame it shall flicker out. More than thou art thou canst not be. Thou art a denizen of the outer world and it is forbidden thee to enter this inner place."

And the Adam replies: "Many times have I stood within this courtyard and begged admission to my Father's house and thou hast refused it me and sent me back to wander in darkness. True it is that I was fashioned out of the dirt and that my Maker could not confer upon me the boon of immortality. But no more shalt thou send me away; for, wandering in the darkness, I have discovered that the Almighty hath decreed my salvation because He hath sent out of the most hidden Mystery His Only Begotten who didst take upon Himself the world fashioned by the Demiurgus. Upon the elements of that world was He crucified and from Him hath poured forth the blood of my salvation. And God, entering into His creation, hath quickened it and established therein a road that leadeth to Himself. While my Maker could not give me immortality, immortality was inherent in the very dust of which I was composed, for before the world was fabricated and before the Demiurgus became the Regent of Nature, the Eternal Life had impressed itself upon the face of Cosmos. This is its sign – the Cross. Do you now deny me entrance, I who have at last learned the mystery of myself?"

And the voice replies: "He who is aware, IS! Behold!"

Gazing about him, Adam finds himself in a radiant place, in the midst of which stands a tree with flashing jewels for fruit and entwined about its trunk a flaming, winged serpent crowned with a diadem of stars. It was the voice of the serpent that had spoken.

"Who art thou?" demands the Adam.

"I," the serpent answers, "am Satan who was stoned; I am the Adversary--the Lord who is against you, the one who pleads for your destruction before the Eternal Tribunal. I was your enemy upon the day that you were formed; I have led you into temptation; I have delivered you into the hands of evil; I have maligned you; I have striven ever to achieve your undoing. I am the guardian of the Tree of Knowledge and I have sworn that none whom I can lead astray shall partake of its fruits."

The Adam replies: "For uncounted ages have I been thy servant. In my ignorance I listened to thy words and they led me into paths of sorrow. Thou hast placed in my mind dreams of power, and when I struggled to realize those dreams they brought me naught but pain. Thou hast sowed in me the seeds of desire, and when I lusted after the things of the flesh agony was my only recompense. Thou hast sent me false prophets and false reasoning, and when I strove to grasp the magnitude of Truth I found thy laws were false and only dismay rewarded my strivings. I am done with thee forever, O artful Spirit! I have tired of thy world of illusions. No longer will I labor in thy vineyards of iniquity. Get thee behind me, tempter, and the host of thy temptations. There is no happiness, no peace, no good, no future in the doctrines of selfishness, hate, and passion preached by thee. All these things do I cast aside. Renounced is thy rule forever!"

And the serpent makes answer: "Behold, O Adam, the nature of thy Adversary!" The serpent disappears in a blinding sunburst of radiance and in its place stands an angel resplendent in shining, golden garments with great scarlet wings that spread from one corner of the heavens to the other. Dismayed and awestruck, the Adam falls before the divine creature.

"I am the Lord who is against thee and thus accomplishes thy salvation, " continues the voice. "Thou hast hated me, but through the ages yet to be thou shalt bless me, for I have led thee out of the sphere of the Demiurgus; I have turned thee against the illusion of worldliness; I have weaned thee of desire; I have awakened in thy soul the immortality of which I myself partake. Follow me, O Adam, for I am the Way, the Life, and the Truth!"

(Thanks to Les Visible for the PDF.)

P.S. For Hall's analysis of the historical Jesus, follow this link here.

The Line has been Crossed; This May Be Our Last Chance to Come Together and Do Something About It.

2010-05-16T23:44:00.011+03:00

My friends, we are on the brink of disaster, if not indeed over the edge already. The effects of the oil well blowout are going to be nothing short of devastating on a global scale, unless we can somehow mitigate it. The engineers and other workers at BP are doing their best, but hope is faint and the clock is ticking. If ever we needed a miracle on this planet, this is the time.

Chief Arvol Looking Horse of the Sioux nation has issued a message to the religious and spiritual leaders of the world which succinctly and powerfully expresses the need for us to unite our hearts and minds in prayer for a solution to this calamity and for the healing of this hurt we have brought upon our precious home. I fully agree with that message.

There are individuals among us who have the ability to bring together large numbers of people in meditation, prayer, mutual focus of intent. These people need to step up and help. If you know someone who can do this, please pass on to them this call for action.

Of course there are other things we can pray for that are just as important. A spirit of understanding, compassion, brotherhood. An increase of our sense of responsibility and purpose. Clarity and wisdom. Peace and love. These can also be included in the same earnest prayers of the heart.

For myself, I will be joining with the folks at this site once the dog poet has composed his song and set the time. I urge everyone who feels even just a little bit inclined to do something to join with whatever group you're comfortable with and be a part of what they're doing along these same lines.

The Earth has always loved us as a mother loves her children, even though we've done so many wicked things to her and to each other. It is time for us as a family to grow up and accept responsibility, express our contrition, and do what we can to make up for our foolish mistakes. If we don't do it now, there's no knowing if we'll get another chance.

Master come round again

2010-05-15T04:00:00.005+03:00

For a while now, part of me has been in a state of prayerful expectation for the next revelation in my life, the next piece of the puzzle to cross my path. It is said that when the disciple is ready, the master will appear. And so it has now proven to be in this case.

It came about through a chance reference (though nothing is by chance) to the Eastern concept of bodhisattva. The word, with the impression I got from the context, strongly drew my attention. In an email discussion with Tertius, my interest toward the subject of this type of incarnated soul (and Eastern esotericism in general) only grew, and I began my preliminary investigations on Wikipedia. Almost immediately thereafter, I was contacted by another friend on the phone, who just happened to have a link to some wisdom teachings that he thought might interest me. After visiting the library and picking up some books, I checked out that link. Eureka! I mean, wow. That stuff sucked me right in.

The thing about esoteric teachings, the kind that are supposed to transform your life from the inside out, is that there's no guarantee. You either get it or you don't, and there are many levels of getting it. Degrees of comprehension. How deep it goes just depends on how prepared your consciousness is. Well. I was very receptive to this material, and as I read it, I could taste the meaning. As I breathed in the concepts, I began to embody them, and feel them working. Soon I was directly experiencing some of the same states of consciousness that the texts were talking about. To be sure, it was only a “lite” version of the full thing, like maybe a 2 out of 10 where you have no idea what the factor is between 2 and 3, or 3 and 4, or any of the rest, so it could really be more like 0.000002 out of 10. (So much for linear thinking, haha, not much use with this stuff, eh?) But regardless of how puny my level of comprehension compared to the totality of it, it was enough. It really did change my whole way of seeing reality, put me in a different operating mode. To use the computer analogy, it felt like I was now running software written in a more basic, and thus more powerful, language. The limitations of the usual, more complex language were no longer an issue. The persistent bugs in my particular version of the software could now simply be circumvented by invoking a code closer to the God-like level of raw binary. And I felt... liberated.

Of course the analogy is flawed. Hmmm, I had some more illuminating words in mind earlier...

Yes. The mis-identification of the Self with the imagined object. Body, mind, ego: these are not the Self. They are projections in a dream. And so you recognize them for what they are. Recognize that self-awareness is the eternal observer independent of any temporal thing. See everything that appears to have a separate existence in the context of the dream. “My body (in the dream) is tired (in the dream).” “My (illusory) mind is wrestling with these (illusory) thoughts.” “My (imagined) ego is pleased (in the dream).” The words, of course, are not necessary. What counts is the awareness in the moment. And the word “my” – well, it's not the perfect word, but you know what I mean. If you know what I mean. (grin)

Fortunately for whoever reads this (and who are you, anyway? Keep asking that, I swear it'll take you places!), I have the sense to stick with convention as far as the writing goes – when I'm not messing with your head. So ego continues to carry the ball, like it's supposed to... at least on the surface. (wink)

The effect of all this lucidity for me has been pretty nice. There's the whole elimination of suffering bit, of course. But most interesting has been the inversion of this most annoying tendency I have, as an extreme introvert, to be full of activity on the inside, yet appallingly ineffective on the outside. By quieting the mind and watching the dream as a spectator, the undertaking of appropriate action becomes nearly effortless. I will it, and it happens. Very cool! It may sound kind of silly for someone who's never dealt with such a problem, but for me this is really a life-saver. For the sake of this effect alone, I intend to keep up the practice as diligently as I can. It's not about enlightenment at this stage, it's about mastering this enough to have it in my bag of tricks for everyday self-management.

That's all for now. Have a lucid day!

Just so we're clear on what happened [VIDEO]

2010-05-14T14:11:00.001+03:00

Gaza in Plain Language

So when Israel strikes Iran in spite of zero evidence that Iran might be developing any kind of nuclear weaponry, it should be obvious which nation poses the real threat to world peace.

And for the record, I think Ahmadinejad has a moral center (and a spine) the like of which I've yet to see evidence of in any of the major Western leaders.

Story of Us

2010-05-14T03:33:00.005+03:00

Observe what is. Let the chatter and the motion go on as it will. Don't force the stillness. It's there, behind the noise. Like a screen, it shows the movie, and may appear to be the movie if you forget yourself, become hypnotized by the moving picture, the appearance of reality. But if you focus on the screen itself, you may begin to feel the impression of looking into a mirror. Two eyes looking out at two eyes looking back in. Who is this presence? It is yourself. It is pure awareness. It is the only eternal thing; all else is projection, flickering by, frame by infinitesimal frame, each seemingly created and destroyed in turn, yet so fast as to appear continuous. This is the flow of time, which doesn't really flow, because it doesn't really exist, except as a subjective, illusory experience. A dream. Because, after all, what else is there for an infinite, singular awareness to do?

Spirit and matter. Creator and created. We are the confluence of both. Through countless aeons of time, matter organizes itself according to the patterns suggested by Spirit, imprinted upon the aether as spiraling forms of purest, subtlest energy. On the molecular level, a miraculous thing occurs: the omnipresent Spirit retreats almost entirely from view. Matter seems ruled by raw mechanics, blind forces, a chaoarchy of chance and determinism. But the first simple forms of life evolve spontaneously, ubiquitously, wherever a suitable mix of ingredients is present and the conditions allow for it. And so begins the wondrous progression of complexity, from cell to multicell, until entire planets are covered with richly woven tapestries of life, ecosystems interwebbed in a gloriously dynamic order. The underlying patterns of energy inspire an endless variety of forms, periodically transforming as the frequency turns up in quantum shifts that emanate from the hot galactic centers.

We are the next step. The group souls of the animal kingdom, defined at the level of species, begin to differentiate into individual souls, capable of self-reflection. A humanoid form arises. Now begins the most challenging phase, as consciousness bridges the gap from instinctive animal behaviour through to peaceful, space-faring culture. There are other options, too, for those so inclined: realms above and below this plane, reachable after many lifetimes of work at those times when the veil dividing them is briefly parted. It is here, however, that we are able to experience the forces of both heaven and hell in equal measure, according to our choice. In this crucible is forged from the base material of primitive man a purer being.

Spirit awakens from its dormancy and becomes a living spark. That flame of the heart, the most noble part of man, guides, enlightens, and sanctifies his being. It will teach him of courage, and beauty, and love, with endless patience so long as it still burns. If he will heed its tutelage, the way will be opened before him and he will walk through the shadows in its flickering light.

Monsters and shades of monsters will threaten. The worst of them will come from within. But no matter how fearsome they may be, they will never be able to destroy the one who guards that precious light in her bosom, though they kill the flesh and feed on the very soul. Many battles will be lost ere the first is won, yet in time the victories will come more easily – or would, but for the ancient law of the worthy adversary and the burden equal to one's strength. All is arranged with a distinct purpose ordained by Spirit, all for the incremental progress of the soul on its chosen path of experience.

And so we come to the crisis point, a time of epic potential. Evils are unleashed that were previously unimaginable. For it is only under the uttermost existential threat that the portion of Spirit that sleeps the deepest may be persuaded to rise up and be counted. But when it does, when the awakening in its fullness at last unfolds, there is no limit to what is possible. From there we go on to a new phase and a new dawn, in which a global humanity, now reunited with its brothers and sisters from afar, begins its incredible journey into the great expansive frontier of the stars.

Action-Reaction and the Inevitable Unknown

2010-05-12T22:44:00.004+03:00

It's official: we're fucked.

That's been my prevailing analysis of the situation overall since I learned of the oil catastrophe in the Gulf of Mexico. The scope of the damage to ecosystems beggars belief. And there's still no mitigation in sight. This fellow has been covering the sordid story of the political and corporate assfest of a response in his own way. God knows we need a sense of humour with such horrific matters. But taken as a whole, the environmental devastation that we as a species have inflicted upon this planet, our only home – the toxic chemicals in the ground, the water, and the air; seas choked with plastic; wholesale destruction of forests; topsoil depleted, and on and on and on – seems to indicate that if ever a species deserved to go extinct, it's us. I don't want to go all 11th Hour here, but facts are facts. We're all culpable to some degree. The laptop on which I'm typing these words is the product of a long chain of industries that all pollute, all devour natural resources. That's the way we do things. The problem is not that we've done it, it's that we've done it with zero regard for the future, zero regard for anything but satisfying our pathologically single-minded desires. Some, of course, are more guilty than others...

It is not an easy thing to watch the wretched circus of ignorance and deception with the eyes of an awareness too keen for its own good. Not that I would have it any other way, given the choice. But there is the choice, too, of whether to focus upon the appearance of hell on earth in all its unholy forms, and despair, or to turn one's attention to the things in which there is some reason to see good, and rejoice. And always there is the grand perspective, in which all is precisely as it must be, without judgment of good or evil, although that is not one that I would take exclusively. It operates in the background, without impinging or interfering. We who are here, inside the fish bowl, have our judgment calls to make as long as we're here. The trick is to recognize that for each judgment we pass on something outside of us, there is a judgment being passed on the inside as well. Better to go within, search out what offends us about ourselves, and work on that. Far be it from me to prescribe anything for anyone, but I'll tell you what I think is a pretty important key. Forgiveness. That's the magic that'll set you free, from what I've come to understand about the way things work. Karma's a vicious circle. By default, it locks you in. If you want out, you'll need something that transcends that pattern. That's all I have to say about that. Best thing for me here is to shut up and take my own advice. (grin)

As I was about to say before I sidetracked myself, there's plenty to be pissed off about. Plenty of things in life to break your heart and make you weep from the depths of your soul. I get that. There's a neverending stream of things we don't understand the reasons for. We can only carry on and do the best we can, and just know that there is a reason, however beyond our grasp it may be at the moment.

I'm as confused as anyone, quite honestly. The less I pretend to know about my future and the less I project my fears and fantasies onto the unknown, the less work of letting all that go I set myself up for. Our precious fears, our precious fantasies. All is vanity. More anxious wheel-turning in the fevered workings of the monkey mind, desperate to justify its own sense of indispensability. Let it go, Neo. Free your mind.

Has there ever been a more perilous time? I think of the Atlanteans, who (allegedly) had technological advantages that most of us wouldn't even dream of. So much knowledge, and yet so little wisdom. The wave came and the mass of them were totally unprepared to ride it. Is that to be our fate as well? Cataclysm and descent into even further depths of ignorance in the struggle to survive? It is not hard to imagine that future. But what happens, will happen. Ours is not to anticipate the utterly unpredictable, but to prepare our hearts and souls to meet it in whatever form it chooses to take. And in this moment, we yet have that opportunity. It is not too late to take appropriate action according to the promptings of the inner guide, that still voice that tells us what is right, what we need to do and what our focus should be.

Have courage and persevere, even in the face of seeming impossibility. Shed your illusions as they are revealed to you and embrace truth. Know that you are here for a purpose. Seek to embody what virtues you can, moment by moment. Love yourself and see the love around you. Be at peace. Follow your star.

In mutual support and everlasting brotherhood,
this self.

Interview with Laura Knight-Jadczyk

2010-05-08T14:55:00.006+03:00

(This is one of those entries where I supposedly talk about a person, maybe plug their work, and try to voice some sort of opinion. It's probably unnecessary, probably very ego-driven, and probably reflects a lot more on me than it does on the person in question. But here I am regardless, doing it again for whatever unfathomable reason. So just bear with me, I guess.)

Project Camelot (no, I'm not opening that can of worms today, fascinating as all the drama may be) recently published this interview with Laura Knight-Jadczyk, which, now that I've finally been able to watch it, has got to be one of my favourite Camelot interviews of all time. I suppose I'm a bit late to the party, since it's already been viewed over 33,000 times, but whatever. I highly recommend it. Camelot's version doesn't have the best video quality, but due to load times, it's the one I watched, and the quality ceased to be an issue for me once the interview hit its stride somewhere in the first hour. (Laura's own HD version is here, on Sott.net.)

So. Laura. Very interesting character with very interesting ideas. Genuine truth-seeker, I would say almost the epitome of the honest truth-seeker. Has had some nasty accusations thrown at her, which are plain ridiculous for the most part, being ad-hominem and not based on much other than a desire to take her down. On the other hand, there is room for legitimate criticism, stemming from differences in perspective or from mistakes she may have made as a fallible human being with her own weaknesses. She has had to navigate some extremely difficult terrain, and I think she has probably had a hyper-dimensional target painted on her back ever since she started thinking she had something to share with the world, and even before then. That's just the way it is and I can't blame her at all for having the worldview that she does. In fact, I have to pretty much agree with her worldview, from certain perspectives, although I don't always take those perspectives. In any case, the information she has brought to the table through her research and her work with the Cassiopaeans is truly important, in my opinion, and really helps explain so much that might otherwise be less clear.

I don't know if there's that much more to say. Her work speaks for itself. If you're interested in the nature of our reality as it appears beyond the veil of lies and deception promoted by the powers that be, and you've already covered the basics through other sources, do check it out and judge for yourself. (Personally, I found myself drawn to The Wave series especially.)

Life, the Universe, and Everything

2010-05-04T04:44:00.001+03:00

You know, I always thought "the Ultimate Answer to the Ultimate Question, of Life, the Universe, and Everything," being equal to "42" was a bit of a copout on Douglas Adams' part. Like, don't you think a smart guy like him would be able to come up with something a little more profound? Oh, I knew it was a joke, but I just didn't really get it. I guess he was pretty well on the right track, if you're able to read between the lines. See, we start with an advanced civilization questioning the very root meaning of existence, looking for an answer that would satisfy the age-old enquiry, "Why are we here?" And they were smart enough to build a computer that could calculate that answer for them. For all the good it did, they might as well have spent those resources calculating pi = 3.14... to the gajillionth decimal place, when any idiot knows that that's nothing but a circle. Maybe life is a circle, maybe it's a spiral, maybe it's a whole bunch of things, but the point is this: when you're done explaining it to yourself, you can move past the question and just live it like you would have, had the question never occurred to you in the first place. I know that's unfair and not really what I mean, but seriously, maybe the Question actually is the Answer in a different form, like "What is it? It is what it is." So life is its own Question and its own Answer, and maybe the point is to just explore everything it has to offer and to one day maybe stop pretending we don't know what this is all about. Where we came from and where we're going... it's the same thing. And if that's so, then everything really is OK and there's nothing in this universe to be afraid of. All those things we think are really scary and bad, what are they but stuff we dreamed up to tell ourselves that it's not what it really was all along, the perfect expression of an eternally loving God?

The Siege of Initiation

2010-04-28T13:55:00.003+03:00

I alluded last time to my commitment to a spiritual path. In my bright-eyed enthusiasm, I neglected to mention the dark side of that coin, which, appropriately enough, now shines upon my life in its turn.

This world is a proving ground. Earthly existence is defined by tension and struggle between opposing forces. On the one hand, the human spirit desires to be free and to experience oneness and unconditional love; on the other hand, it is seduced into bondage, separation, and fear by all the myriad illusions of this world. It is our moment-to-moment freewill choice that decides which influence will win out.

Last week, prior to my trip to Model Expo in Helsinki to display a few of my Lego creations to the public, I was very much of two minds as to the task ahead of me, which is to let go of that material pursuit which has so consumed my artistic impulses for most of my life (not to mention a considerable amount of money). I figured that the exhibition would clarify the matter in my mind and bring me to a place where that letting go would be easier. In essence, I wished for my passion for turning ABS molded bricks into my original creations (MOCs) to burn itself out - a burnout that I've been trying to induce for months already. On some level, that notion did come true. I do feel more able to quit the hobby and sell off my collection than before. Doesn't mean the thought of it doesn't still cause me some amount of pain, but the way has opened up before me to the point where concrete action is feasible.

There's a lot more plot and drama to this story, but I'll try to pare it down to the most relevant bits here.

I was told, in a Tarot reading, that I would be going through an energetic battle (8 of Swords). That seems to be coming true already, although it may be that the real thing is yet to come. But judging from my dreams last night, and the way I've been feeling... yes, this is very much a battle of opposing energies. And it's one that I've been losing quite badly so far. Through emotional heaviness and negative thought patterns, I've found myself succumbing to confusion, powerlessness, and victimhood.

One of my dreams last night showed a small, reptilian demon acting like a harmless, cute little puppy that just needed someone to open a sealed packet of food for it. The girl's sympathy and compassion were winning out over her better judgment... next thing I saw was the same demon, ten times larger, swallowing a man's arm while its friend went for his other arm.

Don't feed the demons.

I was also shown, prior to falling fully asleep, a vision of myself and my shadow self. My shadow self was just too strong, too cunning for me; no matter which way I turned or what I tried to do, he was there ahead of me, sabotaging, overturning, perverting, diverting everything I did so that it fed into his plans instead of my own. There was no way to win at this game. As difficult as it was, I knew I had to stop fighting him, stop resenting him, stop relying on my own strength and limited vision. I tried to quiet myself, find peace, connect with the One in whom there is no separation and no conflict, to realize that I and my shadow were of the same stuff, just different expressions. The true I was neither little-me nor shadow-me, and yet contained both. The key to ending the struggle was understanding, acceptance, forgiveness, release. I did not actually attain that at the time, but I knew it and I went for it.

I'm being tested. I've been warned about this by a lot of people who've walked the spiritual path. There's no free lunch, no pill to be perfect, and no one-size-fits-all solution. It's a process that has to play out for each person. A process of shedding all those endless layers of false self, revealing always another, slightly more realized image of the perfection at the center. Every experience, pleasant or unpleasant, is an opportunity for progress. It's all in the attitude with which you meet it. For best results, choose love. Choose faith. Hold fast and have courage.

The Divine can appear as a terrible, punishing schoolmaster, or as a gentle, supportive teacher. Both forms have the same goal and the same purpose, merely different approaches. Life as struggle; life as gift. Both equally valid ways of seeing, both necessary. One to be transcended, the other to be realized.

Namasté, my friend. All the best. See you at the destination. Back Home.

Etheric Sex

2010-04-19T08:44:00.001+03:00

I'm not writing this to brag about my experience, let me say that right out front. So you're not going to get the juicy details, just the essentials of it, plus a little theory.

Sex happens on multiple levels, including but not limited to the gross physical. (It also can be used either negatively or positively, like any other type of energy exchange.) But until very recently, I was only vaguely aware that sex could also happen without any physical component at all.

From this article and its comment section, I recently found out about something called ojas, which is an interesting topic in itself and makes good background for what follows here. It relates to the reason why certain spiritual practices have celibacy as a requirement. Since I have been totally celibate for some good number of weeks, I figure I'm pretty well set as far as ojas goes. Judging from what happened.

Regular sex (at least, the physical component) is centered around the genitals, pretty much, even though the entire body is certainly involved. With what I'm going to call “etheric sex,” the center of activity and stimulation is the heart chakra. Hmmm. The heart also happens to be the energy center responsible for feelings of love. And here's me, someone who's now used to having his heart chakra open and humming with unconditional love – and more than a little pleasure, too, on occasion, when conditions are right. All it takes is an open heart. Anyone should be able to feel it if they have the right mindset and just try.

Essentially, I guess what I felt was simply an amped-up version of that humming. And like the occasions when the flow spontaneously opens really wide, this time as well I had little to do but to get out of the way of what was happening. Stop interfering, stop analyzing, stop thinking about what a great blog entry it would make... and STOP FEARING IT. Fear is definitely the number-one obstacle. Because of fear, a deep-seated reluctance to allow myself to experience anything so wildly orgasmic and full-on intense, I stopped short of the ultimate release. I wanted it, but I just wasn't ready to let go completely of my inhibitions.

My partner was very patient and a masterful lover, but said that if I didn't quit chickening out and getting distracted, it would be over. Yes, my partner. No, there was nobody in the room with me. No one I could see, that is. I'm sure I just imagined her... him... it. But at the same time, he/she was definitely there, real. Reality is subjective. And invisible beings do exist, I'm sure of that. Anyway, I had to trust and submit without reservation, without condition or limitation in order for the thing to work and go all the way. It didn't happen, unfortunately. I was pretty damn high at one point, though....

This is the type of thing that can start happening in your life when you commit to the straighter spiritual path. I don't know how else to put it. These things, these mind-blowing new experiences, become a matter of course. At least, they have for me. I'll bet the times have a lot to do with it too. Galactic energies and all that. We're at a highly interesting point in the cycle, and the interestingness is not going to go away soon; on the contrary, it's very much on the rise.

If you want to take your life to the next level, there are some very simple things you can do to help that along. Stop eating junk, eat healthy food. Make a habit of prayer/meditation and gratitude. Simplify. Get rid of the TV and watch what you let into your head. Spend time in nature. Pay attention to little things. Listen to your inner voice. (You'll recognize it because it's the one that's never wrong.) And, if you're so inclined, read up on spiritual topics. Plenty of good reading material on the 'net, plus you have your original holy books and the related teachings. Follow whatever path suits you best. Don't settle for the same old same old. Be open to change. And remember, it's all a game. It's worth playing well, but it's also worth having fun with. If that all sounds good to you, then maybe it's time for some Next Level Up. You can do it!

P.S. Sungazing rules! (Especially at dawn!)

Death and desire: which one packs the dagger?

2010-04-17T04:44:00.002+03:00

On the Mayan Tzolk'in calendar, my birthdate resonates as 13 Cimi. The number 13 stands for ascension and the completion of all things, a transcending force. Cimi is Death, the Transformer. A Death person is naturally prone to change and comfortable with transitions. Both of these qualities well describe my nature and my experience of life.

I was given a dream some time ago in which I had one simple task. There was a veil that could only be crossed when a person was ready – if they weren't ready, they wouldn't be there facing it. The veil seemed to be contiguous with the flowing garment of a skeletal figure who I recognized as Death. My job was to lift the veil for each person as they came through, so that they could see what lay hidden on the other side. The object they came to view was no mere object; it was a hole in space. The hole appeared as a single eye with lids on the sides instead of the top and bottom. Through that eye, when one looked intently, one could see something rather surprising: a little house on a hill, simply outlined and coloured, like a child's drawing. That drawing was a symbol for Home. A comforting place. It was where we were all from, and it was where we were all ultimately going. Each person who came through would look at this revelation and break into a smile. They'd known it all along, they just needed a little reminder to remember what they already knew. All the fears and doubts they might have had before entering, some timidly, some boldly, were shown to be pure illusion. There was nothing to do with them but to let them go and have a good laugh. Everyone left feeling greatly relieved, lightened, and renewed. Where they went after the viewing, I could not tell; they certainly didn't go out the way they came in. And that was my dream.

I felt quite troubled after I had the dream. I was very reluctant to accept that I could be one to carry out such a task, even though it had all felt most natural and easy in the dreaming world. I wondered if the dream meant I had to be some kind of “keeper of the veil” in this life. Would people come to me for a glimpse of that Truth? Seemed a little far-fetched. I still don't know what it means. But it was certainly one of my more interesting dreams.

Death is a theme I've become comfortable with on some deep, basic level, even though I have never actually been very closely touched by it in a concrete way in the short twenty-five years I've lived so far. I have never been to a funeral and I have never lost a family member closer than a little-known cousin. All my grandparents are still alive. I have often wondered at this, why it is that I've been spared those experiences for so long. It can't last forever, and it could end tomorrow for all I know. I do know that I would like to be present at the departure of my mother's father, to hold his hand and ease his passing. Of course, given that I'm leaving the country for the foreseeable future quite soon, I'd rather not necessarily have that come true, either!

Hmm, I was supposed to write about friends here. Bonds of friendship. Social ties. They've been greatly emphasized in my life in this past little while, following an extended period of relative, voluntary isolation. At a time in my life that's full of things to do, deadlines, and uncertainty (nothing I can't handle on my own, mostly, although I am keenly aware of and grateful for all the help and support I receive), destiny has decided to make friendships a major theme. I've felt drawn to reconnect with people, particularly those with whom I feel the closest spiritual kinship, but also many others. Part of it, I'm sure, is the need to finish things up before I leave, but that doesn't explain the case of one person, who just suddenly showed up in my life one lazy Sunday afternoon to shake things up even more when they were in pretty high flux already. I'm really glad she did, though, because the ensuing series of events and dynamics has been a challenge I can really sink my teeth into. I've been tested pretty hard by it already, and I know this is only the start. It's a nice grueling uphill climb, spiritually, after a whole lot of comparatively smooth territory for me.

Here's the thing: two things actually, that I've occasionally been feeling the desire for: a passionate but non-committed relationship (to balance out my first one, which was all commitment and not so much passion), and somebody to whom I could be a spiritual mentor. It's easy to see how the false ego can hijack such desires and really go for a joyride. A lot of potential for hurt and long-lasting damage there, if those things were to be pursued as actual goals in themselves. The only goal that should matter, the only one really worth pursuing, is to find one's way back to the divine source: back Home. Anything else is a diversion, purely optional and only desirable insofar as it is in line with the highest good for oneself and all others. Destiny, of course, is just that, ultimately: the highest good, the most desirable and perfect script for this play called life. And it really is all in hand, if we can just let go of our need to control events and control other people for the spineless satisfaction of our own Death-fearing ego selves.

In short, that weak and myopic part of me perceived the chance for both these desired things in the appearance of this new player on the stage. And so I set myself up for a fall, which I am happy to say I have pretty much worked through by now, but that bears telling here. What Destiny had in mind was something quite different, of course, than my misguided imaginings. Yes, she had just broken up with her boyfriend and seemed to be in the market for a new one; yes, she resonated strongly with me on a soul level and had questions to which I felt I could offer answers; but she was already on a different path, one that required an absolute, core-level renunciation of both desires on my part. I admit that it has not been easy, not easy at all to do that work on myself, but I have the necessary skills and tools to do it and since I committed to it, Destiny has been helping me along in little ways (thanks, universe).

The story is not over yet, but the rest remains to be seen. All will unfold as it must, regardless of the puny intentions of anyone. We human souls who walk this earth are as mites compared to the will of the Divine. Utterly inconsequential (that is, until we learn to be a lot closer to the Divine, at which point I suppose we will have bigger and better places to be). I am committed to the Great Work; that and no other shall be my guiding star.

In closing, I send a heartfelt prayer of thanks to the source of all things, which in its infinite wisdom has seen fit to try my heart and purify it in the flames of this holy purgatory which has but the appearance of profanity, for all things are holy that proceed from God, and there is nothing in existence that is not from that same source.

The perfection of your works, O Lord, is absolute. I embrace all things as they are: the suffering and the joy, the grime and the glory, the fall and the redemption, the loss and the gift. Whatsoever I lose for your sake, I will gain better in return. Help me to walk this path of your righteousness, for without your signs and angels I would quickly go astray. All is well when I am with you, and as long as it is so, I shall have no fear. Thank you for your longsuffering patience and your abundant grace gifts every day of my life. Your Love is everything, and everything is a manifestation of your Love. Let your Love be known in my heart and let it shine through even in the darkest hours to come. ~Your humble servant, this self.

Maybe I'm just crazy after all.

2010-03-23T22:12:00.002+02:00

Life has been kicking ass for me lately. I even recorded my first video blog where I went on about that. Hilarious thing, though: as soon as I got it into my ego like that – Boom! – life started (gently but firmly) kicking my ass. I couldn't get a picture to show up in Windows Movie Maker (could only get audio, and a crappy audio it was), and that got me thinking that maybe vlogging hadn't been such a hot idea after all. The more I thought about the video I'd recorded, the more I thought how embarrassing it'd be. I'm not too terribly awkward on camera, but my speaking skills aren't up to a level where I can just go off-the-cuff and have it come out how I want it. Not that I'm so vain that I can't let people see me as I am, but if the point is to make a point, then I want to do it as well as I can and not waste people's time with my halting speech and half-formed thoughts.

Perhaps I will still make a video blog at some point, but it would probably be either me reading stuff aloud or be a private video as a letter home to my family. I think those options would help me be less self-conscious, too. Seeing oneself on the screen simultaneously rather tends to have that effect, unfortunately. I'd rather not feed my ego that way if I can help it.

Anyway, I've had a lot on my mind, even as I've been flying high on a creative roll on the magic carpet of universal love that makes everything go my way. The blogs/websites of a number of highly conscious individuals (links on the right if you're reading this on my Blogspot) have provided plenty of food for thought recently, but I've mostly been wrestling with a very personal issue: my hobby.

First I should tell you why it's become such an issue. You see, my plan at this point is to leave the country by the end of June, which will mark five years since I left my family in Vancouver and moved to the land of my birth to see what experiences it might hold for me. These five years have been incredibly transformative and full of different phases. My life situation has undergone radical changes by the year:

Year zero: leave job and hometown in Canada to enlist in Finnish conscript military as an adventure and a requirement for keeping my dual citizenship.

Year one: discharged with rank of 2nd lieutenant. Begin studies in Forestry at Mikkeli University of Applied Sciences.

Year two: summer of love. Relationship with girlfriend at its peak. Active social life. Internship at building supply warehouse provides financial security and chance to work largely outdoors, serving customers. Everything is great.

Year three: everything falls apart. Plans to switch field of study to Theology come to naught as I discover that the Christianity I was raised into has been a weapon of mass deception and no longer serves my spiritual needs. Quit Forestry, break up with girlfriend. Truth-seeking begins in earnest. Job at call center pays the bills but eats at the soul. Breakdown on the job prompts move to Oulu, an area with many relatives and friends. Find new job as personal assistant to severely disabled father of six, an ex-con and ex-hockey player whose wife left the same faith movement as me (conservative Laestadian Lutheran) to marry him.

Year four: fired from job in spring, after six months. Had been too wrapped up in myself and my inner life to really engage fully and integrate into the family's home. (The ex-Laestadian girl who succeeded me apparently serves the family's needs much better, for which I am very glad.) Desire to find another regular job is zilch, as interest in being really independent has taken off. Start translating business. Find that I really don't have what it takes, but deny reality until savings run out in the fall and I am forced to shut it down and apply for government social aid. The emotional support of close friends plays a key role.

Year five (now): jettisoning most material possessions with intent to go on a trip of indeterminate length, starting with Sweden and continental Europe and ending in Vancouver. Money will likely run out along the way, at which point (barring some kind of temporary employment) I will be entirely at the mercy of God and my fellow human beings. That thought scares me a lot less than it would probably scare most people.

So now the trouble here is that the only thing I've ever become really good at – the hobby (socially still rather marginal, although the public awareness and acceptance of it are constantly increasing) of building original creations out of Lego bricks, for which I still have as unrepentant a passion as ever – is up against the compelling need to drop everything and hit the road. Shipping my entire Lego parts collection to Vancouver would be very costly due to the weight, so I must now significantly reduce its size. Selling it all off wholesale would be the rational thing to do, but as I mentioned, my passion for building is as yet unabated (despite occasional bouts of disillusionment with it all and an ever-present awareness that none of it matters in the end). Lately, I've been in a veritable frenzy of building in preparation for my first exhibition down in Helsinki next month. I also have a prospective buyer who has offered to pay 13 euros per kilo for sorted, bulk Lego parts. So I am left to separate the wheat, so to speak, from the chaff. Which parts are superfluous and which ones am I going to need for my projects in progress? It's a tough call to make, but I have to make it. Which explains my anxiety.

Well, that's a load off my chest already, to have laid out the situation in words like this. I think it's now clear to me that I would be wisest to enlist the help of a friend or friends in this process. The idea of doing it alone is just too daunting. And I guess that simple epiphany is what I was getting at with this whole entry, though I only realize it now. I do hope that anyone who took the time to read this will send supportive thoughts my way, be they voiced or silent. Advice and compassion are always appreciated, and I won't bite your head off even if you're in total disagreement with what I'm doing. Hey, maybe I am crazy... but that's still a subjective judgment. I'm just doing what seems to be the right thing for me personally. So... wish me luck?

- Not that I believe in luck. (grin)

Jammin' the shape of things to come

2010-03-14T21:44:00.005+02:00

Ooooh! Look at the/time, oh
This ball start to roll and she don't/stop for nothing
(Just speedin' up)
Gonna do some big-time/damage down the line
(Sooner than you think)
And all you thought was real, it be/comin' down
(All around, comin' down)

Ooooh, baby, you just/keep your head cool
'Cause you know it's all/meant to be
(It's all playing out)
My heart tells me, baby/we're gonna be all right
Just watch your feet, baby/don't lose your head
We'll stick together, baby/and we've got friends

Ooooh, got to do what's right/stick to the truth
'Cause that's what this all's about/teaching you
(Be true)
To know who what where, when how why
The devil come in, he don't want you to fly
But you know there's/always/another way, baby
And the right way's not gonna be found/outside you
Yeah the right way's not gonna be found/outside youuuu!

(screaming-hot guitar solo)

Ooooh, the world's goin' pear-shaped/whatcha gonna do?
Ooooh, everybody freakin' out/ooooh, what are you gonna do?
'Cause there's no time/there's no time/there's no time
To be standing there gawkin' like a fool without a clue
(Get a clue)
In
Your
Heaaaart!
Listen to your ************* heaaaart!
Act from your ************* heaaaart!
Listen to your ************* heaaaart!
And know it in your ************* heaaaart!

This is why
You are here
Don't blame me
For your fear
(Got to) let it go and and take a chance
Step up to the cosmic dance
Then you join the cosmic daaaance

(wild, ecstatic guitar solo)

Realize
The truth inside
We're all one eternal mind
Heart and soul
Living whole
Universal love behold

Love behoooold
Love behoooold
Love behoooold
Love behold

(Love behold)

-------------

Written after reading HalfPastHuman's latest Shape of Things to Come report. Thanks to the immortal Jimi Hendrix and others for inspiration. :)

Play from your HEART!

2010-03-10T02:37:00.000+02:00

Bill Hicks, ladies and gentlemen. One of the most offensive comedians of all time. He also happens to have been one of the very, very best. How is that? Well... the fact that he saw through the manufactured bullshit that masquerades as “reality” and called it out for what it was. The fact that he was totally unafraid to be seen for what he was: nobody special, just a guy with a taste for vulgar jokes and a gift for telling them. He was more than that, of course. He was a man of uncompromising integrity, brutal honesty, deep humility... and he did what he did because he loved to do it. No other reason could have driven him.

Today I listened to a couple of songs by Rage Against the Machine (Wake Up and Calm Like a Bomb, from the Matrix soundtracks). I listened in a way that I'm just discovering how to do (although I've probably been doing it all along): such that my internal state of mind is at its own place of repose, while the music plays out around me. I could appreciate the soundwaves, the thoughts and emotions without getting attached to them myself. I don't know if or how this is a productive way to listen, but it appeals to me. It's a way that I can apply to any genre of music, even (and especially) music that is full of angst and rage and darkness. I don't have to go to the place where the music is coming from in my totality, just enough to appreciate it. It's enough to have been there myself at some point in the past. You might ask why I would do this. Why listen to music that's not in line with where I'm at in my innermost? That's a good question.

Part of the answer is that the world is not in line with where I'm at or where I'd like it to be at. That's something that I just have to make my peace with. Appreciating music that comes from a human being's experience of this tortured reality while also holding peace and unconditional love in my heart... it feels real. It feels like healing, somehow.

Bill Hicks had a lot to say about music and the music industry. He made no bones about his distaste for empty, mass-produced, ego-driven dreck. He ranted against banality and mediocrity. He also praised those artists who he saw as having done humanity a service through their music, who played from their hearts.

I listen to a lot of different genres of music. I've never become an expert or a connoisseur of any particular one. Rather, I simply listen to whatever I find that appeals to me. Imagine my surprise when I discovered this artist. Here is someone who plays a genre so apparently full of garbage (in my uneducated opinion) and yet comes across as a true artist with a genuine message. Ana Free is (to me) a diamond in the rough. Her music comes from her heart. And what a heart it is! Beautiful. Generous. True. - And she's pretty, to boot! (grin) Anyway, lest I sound like I'm advertising (ahem), she is what she is, her music is what it is. You may like it or you may not, it doesn't matter.

“Play from your heart.” That's all well and good for those with a talent for making music... what about the rest of us, like me? I think the answer is obvious enough: whatever your talents happen to be, use them to express what you feel, the things that matter, the things that inspire you. Don't be afraid of what people are going to think. Don't worry about whether it's got market value. Those things are distractions! They don't matter! What matters is that you believe in what you're doing. If you can find something you would do for free, without any hope of recognition from the world, just because it gives you joy and fulfillment... do it. Whatever you feel is your purpose for being here now, do it. You will know what that is, because it will come from deep inside you and the mere thought of doing it will fill you with energy.

Play well, yes... but more important than that is to play from your heart. And it's more than likely that it'll come to the same thing anyway.

Ana Free - Try (Live)

A Good Game

2010-02-09T01:01:00.001+02:00

This is a good game. It's called "The Truth."
- Dimitri Moisevich in 2010: The Year We Make Contact (1984)

The search for truth is a game.

I don't think one could have made that statement so straightforwardly even a generation ago. Back in the seventies and eighties, it seems to me, before the world was hooked up to this thing called Internet, truth-seeking would have been an activity that pretty much had to be taken seriously. The truth-seekers of that time would have mostly been out there doing original, painstaking research in the real world. Most of them would have operated in near-isolation from one another, compared to the effortlessness of network-building and collaboration today. Getting one's work published was another hurdle. The readership would have been a very small, very marginal group, scattered, so to speak, on the intellectual fringes of society.

Forgive me if my imaginings reflect poorly the reality of that time; I wasn't there myself. What I can say from experience is that in this present time, information is so readily available to anyone with even a casual interest that the whole concept of “truth-seeking” has exploded far beyond the limits of yesterday. It doesn't have to be an all-consuming path of dedication to a particular field of inquiry, nor is it necessarily the hard-core consumption of fringe lore from stacks of rare books. Beyond these primary and secondary levels, a previously-minimal third level has opened up: the level of the casual truth-seeker. The net-surfing approach is now the arena of choice for many, including those who would not even describe what they are doing as “seeking truth.” What curious mind, in this online environment, has not come across the major memes of conspiracy fact, theory, disinfo, and delusion? These thought-viruses have replicated through the memestream, cross-breeding, mutating (and being engineered, too) along the way, until the entirety has become just another fact of life, a whole genre of mind-games available to the people alongside their other everyday pursuits. This is not to unduly trivialize any of it; it's just an observation.

Obviously, truth-seeking in general is much broader than just the areas most actively sequestered (and infiltrated) by the powers-that-be, such as parapolitics, black-project shenanigans, and the powers-behind-the-powers-that-be. Anyone who engages in this game for any length of time soon discovers how interrelated it all is across the entire scope of human life. It becomes apparent that the so-called “mainstream” consensus reality is really just a system of externally-imposed programs that are held together, perpetuated, and fed into by those who believe in them: a Matrix control system. It may not be as immediately apparent, however, just how vulnerable that system is.

The system is predicated on belief, but its greatest power lies in fear. Many people may not really believe in all of it, especially now since the lies are becoming more transparent with every passing day, but still go along with most of it. Take voting, for example. Most of us know (or at least strongly suspect) by now, from experience, that voting in elections doesn't really matter a whole lot. We know most politicians are pathological liars and opportunists. We've seen administration after administration come in with honeyed words and the hopes of a nation, only to go out with disgrace and broken promises. And always, no matter what parties are in power, the economy ends up worse than before, wars continue, civil liberties are eroded, and corporate interests trump the interests of the people. HELLO? Anyone see a pattern? This isn't working! And still we go to the polls on election day and feel a vague sense of satisfaction, as though we've done our duty as citizens of a proud democracy. What? We know that's not true. It's just rhetoric and bullshit to keep things running the way they have been. But the alternative would be to admit to ourselves that we are more than just voters, or consumers, or (let's just use the word) slaves, aka “hard-working taxpayers.” We are unique, sovereign human beings with the innate freedom to create whatever reality we collectively and individually choose. We fear that kind of freedom. The system wants us to fear it, to deny its existence, to willingly give it up in favour of a ready-made machine world with a ready-made place for us as replaceable little parts in a big machine. And lest we forget our place, we are constantly shown what happens to those who have no place, who were born to the wrong parents, who didn't work hard enough, who defied the system. We're taught to fear poverty and crime and terrorism. Fear the cops. Fear the conservative agenda. Fear the liberal agenda. Fear the Illuminati agenda. Fear the apocalypse. Fear for your own survival in a world that's hostile and demanding but that might just give you a few creature comforts to fill your inner void if you only play by the rules. And if all else fails, just tune into an endless stream of mind-numbing distraction. Yessir, it's great to be alive in this postmodern dystopian nightmare. Or....

... Is there something else? A truth that's more than just a virtual-reality game? Something real and intimate that might just be the key to the kingdom of heaven on earth?

If there is such a thing, isn't it worth seeking? I believe it is.

And maybe when we're done seeking, we'll realize that it was something we had all along.

I am another you
And you are another me.
Thank you, just for being you
And being a mirror for me.

Choosing my way in the face of my fears

2010-02-05T22:01:00.004+02:00

I suppose I'll start by describing a dream I had last night. In point of fact, I did not dream it at night, because I actually slept from morning to evening, after staying up watching the SF anime classic Akira and the comedy classic Monty Python's The Meaning of Life on DVD, which may serve to provide a bit of context.

Essentially, the dream was about me being cajoled, enticed, tempted, and drawn into a state of total powerlessness. The process began in earnest when I found myself hypnotized by the soft, flickering bluish glow of a little LCD monitor that was showing a movie of some kind. That was the tipping point, when I slid into apathy toward the “real world” around me. Soon, through my lack of effective resistance to the reassuring but treacherous hypnotic suggestions of “agents” around me, I found myself lying on a sort of hospital bed that was more like an operating table in actual function. The sexy “nurses” projected the impression that they were there to help me, that they had only my best interest at heart, and that the best thing I could do was relax and let them do their job. By the time I realized that their true intentions were less than benevolent, it was too late. My muscles would no longer respond, due to some drug they'd injected in me. They began their work by taking samples, violating my body with their needles in a way that was simply humiliating. Mercifully, I lost consciousness. My last, dimly felt emotions before slipping away completely were outrage and resentment.

Oddly enough, those emotions came back to haunt me when I woke up and read my mail. Through simple incompetence more than any plausible ill will, the tax bureau is still operating as though I were an entrepreneur making a modest living off of my business, which has been officially defunct since September and only ever really existed on paper to begin with. In reality, I don't owe them a dime, but they still sent me invoices for hundreds of euros that I'm supposedly due to pay this year. Realistically, it's only a matter of a visit or two to the local tax office to clear it up, but the infuriating emotional impact of the letter came regardless of that fact. It doesn't help things that I'm already caught up in a more advanced stage of a similar, less easily resolved game with an evil, bloodsucking little company that managed to “sell” me a worthless, yet ridiculously expensive Google advertising package on the phone last summer before I even knew what the hell was up. The wheels of legal action in that case are already turning, and I really don't think there's anything I can do. I'm not equipped to defend myself against that sort of thing, and I suspect the law may well be on their side. So I suppose I'll see where that goes. I'd really like to see them just choke on their own vomit. It's not like they'll ever see the money. I'm more likely to receive a prison sentence, haha.

So the darkness is closing in, even as the days get longer up here in the north. The web of the matrix tightens. I made mention earlier of some plans I've been cooking up. I feel obligated on some level to make a disclosure, but I think it's too early to go into detail just yet. I have made my intentions known to some, though, and if the surveillance/intelligence complex is doing its job, then the data is already in its files. (conspiratorial wink)

I will say that by the time summer is in bloom, I intend to be off the grid and hopefully off the radar of officialdom. Worldly security and status hold very little allure for me, now less than ever. I do find myself caught, though, between the impulse to continue creating and displaying my whimsical little works of material configurations, and the impulse to drop everything, let go of my material attachments, and withdraw from the mainstream entirely. I do believe there is a middle road encompassing both, if I can only traverse it. I just need to figure out exactly how. I've got some ideas. Time will reveal the right course of action. I have already consulted the runes and the pendulum regarding the basic nature of what I'm set to go through, and I will probably make use of them and other modes of communication with higher self in the near future.

The dog poet is on something of a hiatus and that (or whatever invisible causes are behind that) is affecting my mood as well. His latest audio broadcast was, however, very comforting and very touching. He read some lovely poetry in there. I would recommend it to anyone.

Overwhelmingly, in my more conscious hours (there are times of relative oblivion too), my heart is crying out to the higher power that governs all things with ultimate perfection.

Help me to see. I want to see. Please show me more.

Lord, grant me strength.

How much longer will You allow evil to rampage unchecked in the world? How much longer? Until 2012? 2050? If it were up to me, Lord, I would start turning things around right now. I suppose you are too wise and perfect to think as I do. Evil will destroy itself eventually, though, won't it? When it has run its course, served its purpose in the dreaming of Your children.

Lord, take away from me that which is holding me back. Help me to subdue my petulant and demanding ego. No, not subdue: merely help it to see that it is not the one in charge, and that it has nothing to fear by releasing its desire to always be in control.

I know that I have a path to tread in this life. I chose it before I came here. However haltingly and imperfectly, I know that I am on it right now and have always been. Everything that comes into my life has a purpose. Help me to see it through the impartial eyes of divinity as the perfection that it is.

Thank You, Lord, for being with me. For guiding my every step, for protecting me, for comforting me. For testing me and trying me, though never more than I can bear. You provide for every need of my body and soul. Above all, You grant me freedom in every moment, to choose my own experience. I am Your child, and one day I will return to You and give you back all that I am, all that I have gained through all my millions and billions of years of existence.

Thank You.

Crossing the Abyss

2010-01-25T06:07:00.003+02:00

These past couple of days have seemed to follow some kind of weird script. I've spent them with a friend of mine who's been going through some internal malaise that could be described as depression, but that I might also term an existential crisis. I've been through quite a doozy of the same myself in the not-too-distant past, so on some level I can understand what it's like.

My own deep existential crisis occurred in September of 2008. I was visiting the town where I was born, seeking my next foothold out of a dead-ended life situation. I was looking for answers with a mixture of nervous hope and bright-eyed desperation. But instead of the answers I was looking for, I found something I never expected.

Chaos.

The Void.

The complete and utter antithesis of God and Creation and all that might give a shred of meaning to this cruel joke of an existence that we call “life.”

In deep metaphysical contemplation, I saw God and looked past his shoulder; right through him, in fact. What I saw behind him was absolutely terrifying. The Abyss swallowed every last bit of my capacity for joy and pleasure and satisfaction. Next to that mind-boggling nothingness, the Divine seemed an insubstantial dream of the utmost audacity.

In that moment, I hated God. Almost every fiber of my being was turned against him. I raged at him for being such an idiot, to think any of it justifiable. I cursed him out for a good six hours straight, no exaggeration. For six hours, I ran a loop in my head saying “fuck you” to the universe in general and its maker in particular.

Not surprisingly, that didn't make me feel any better. I could almost physically feel my frequency resonance vibration dying down, down, down, weaker and darker, to what felt like the bare minimum to function as a human being. I was a weary, grey husk. As therapy, catharsis was a failure. As a tool to mess myself up, though, as some twisted revenge, it was perfect.

That night, I was drawn into imaginings of my own death, by my own doing. The most convenient location would be the local ski jump, if I could get up to the top and throw myself off. I never fully intended to do it, but I was engaging in a reckless game of brinksmanship with the Creator. I wanted to see how far this cruelly compassionately dispassionately orchestrated universe would let me go before it either stopped me... or didn't.

I snuck out of the place I was staying at and went for a hike up to the mountaintop where the ski jumps were. The new one was inaccessible, being a walled concrete tower, but the older, wooden one was open. I went up and found myself in the company of a romantic couple, a few years younger than me. “All right,” I thought. “So much for this game.”

By then, though, my suicidal motivation had cooled down by several degrees due to the walking it had taken to get there. Walking is always good therapy. It helps one mull things over and see them in a new light. I was still pissed off, but only a little. I could see the humour in the situation. I knew I was ruining the kids' romantic interlude, but I didn't give a damn about that. I chatted them up a bit, friendly-like. Commented on the view (amazing) and the stars (awe-inspiring). Asked them if they believed UFOs were real, a usual question for me. They were polite, but soon realized I wasn't going away, so they left. I had the tower to myself, and I lingered there with my thoughts, admiring the view, until the cold got to me and I hiked back to the apartment and snuck back in with no one the wiser.

It actually took me about three weeks to recover from this crisis, to feel like myself again. It was not easy to come back around, but I did. I had the support of a few especially dear friends with whom I was able to share what I'd been going through.

It was as much a crisis of belief in general as it was a crisis of my relationship with the One. I think that may have been the point where I finally gave up on the idea of being able to grasp anything objectively. I realized that my personal reality is the one that has meaning for me (if any), and that it can only ever be subjective. Therefore, belief is purely a matter of choice and it is probably best to indulge in it (if at all) with a generous helping of “I really don't know.” At the same time, I recognized that eternal agnosticism on everything until proven or disproven is a hell of a useless and boring way to go. One needs to have faith in something. On some level, faith is a risk. As such, I find it's also very exhilarating, and, more often than not, pretty rewarding.

Since that time, I haven't really had any issues with belief. My approach to truth-seeking has been psychologically pretty well-balanced, in my opinion. I'd say it was well worth passing through the darkness of that existential nightmare. Once I faced it and won, I could move on and not look back.

Returning to the present case of my young, deeply intelligent and aware, but troubled friend, I had a dream about him before we spent this weekend together. I dreamed that his car had blown up while parked on the side of the street, with him in it. Gasoline fumes, most likely. Blew the roof off and charred everything. He was dead. I saw his body in the remains of the car, somehow perfectly intact in death. His face looked peaceful. I mourned the loss of him and my soul wept. But then I felt this knowing, like he was still around close by, floating above our heads somewhere. I felt his relief at being released from his pain and bondage, and his joy at discovering that it was all right after all, there was nothing to feel bad about, and that, truly, there is a divine agency that sustains and embraces all existence with its eternal and all-surpassing love.

It wasn't long before I saw him again in the dream, wearing a brown leather jacket and a smile that reflected the awesome gnosis he had received in death. After considering things from that new perspective, he had chosen to come back, and he was READY TO ROCK THIS WORLD.

As for what transpired in the waking world, I won't bore you with too many details. It began and ended with highly significant and impossibly mirror-image-like events, and the middle involved mild inebriation and dancing at a local watering hole, spiced with a mysterious triple synchronicity from Bill Shakespeare. What's to tell, right? Yeah, that's what I thought. You think I'd tell you about that cute girl who was totally digging me? Forget it. (grin)

Patience, my love; one step at a time.

2010-01-15T23:34:00.002+02:00

I am often frustrated by the inadequacy of language as a mode of expression. Stringing words together in a linear sequence to form sentences and paragraphs seems so clumsy and crude. The confluence of brevity and precision is so hard to achieve. In writing, thank goodness, the process of composition is at least somewhat non-linear and unbound by time, which is a big help. But the fact remains that one is limited to a single perspective and a single voice at any one time, and as a result, the literal description of a complex thought or idea takes a great many words.

Poetry seeks to circumvent this limitation by calling upon the imagination of the reader as a decoding device. It is well understood that poetry is not like prose; it cannot be absorbed in an instant of literal understanding. It requires the engagement of the intuitive faculty. Because it depends upon the ability of the reader to decode it subjectively, poetry remains more or less opaque to the mind that is not already calibrated to receive it.

Even now, looking back on the few sentences above, I despair of my inability to express what I mean. I feel like a painter without the ability to mix his colours. If I say this, then it is automatically not-that until I say that as well.

I would like there to be a mode of communication that were more like a holographic projection than a flat image built up of one-dimensional lines. Instead of one word illuminating one little piece of an idea at a time, I could convey the whole idea at once, with all its shades and subtleties, in such a way that it could be viewed from all the multiple perspectives that I perceive.

Of course, such a mode exists, although few of us are yet able to make much use of it. It's called telepathy. My concept of telepathy is that it is something like poetry, something like music, something like sculpture and painting and photography and dance and theatre. It is all these things and more. Speaking and writing would be included, but in their higher-dimensional aspects.

The Internet gives us the ability to start bridging toward that model. Using hyperlinks, mouse-over texts, context menus, images, sounds, videos, and other interactive media, it is possible to convey information in an almost fractal or holographic way. For this reason, I sometimes think of the Internet as “training wheels for telepathy.” True telepathy will be much smoother and faster, since we will no longer need these crude technological interfaces and our brains will be operating at a much higher bandwidth than they do now, in higher dimensions, allowing for exponentially greater data density.

The transhumanists believe this will be achieved through man-made technology. Maybe it will, for some, but I would much rather let it happen naturally, through the activation of DNA. That, I think, would ensure that physical evolution doesn't happen without the corresponding spiritual evolution that is needed to be able to handle the new abilities responsibly.

I know there are going to be people reading this who think this idea of our consciousness evolving is just New Age bullshit being pushed on the masses to distract and placate us while the controllers steal the last of our wealth, genocide the useless eaters, and implement the final stages of their world police state. Others will call bullshit on both of these views. It doesn't matter. You can believe whatever you want, and you will. This is just me talking.

Anyway, I'm of the opinion that we're all one mind to begin with, so telepathy is ultimately nothing more than us realizing and manifesting a slightly truer image of ourselves. Whatever you might think of that, isn't it interesting to note how there's less and less privacy, more and more transparency in all human affairs? That's why so much dirty laundry is coming out into the open. You can't keep secrets anymore. The times don't allow it. For those who only want the truth, that's great news. And if you've got something you're hiding from the world, well... I'd say you'd better come clean while you still have the chance, because it's going to come out one way or another, telepathy or no.

This is the sixth and final Night of the Galactic Underworld. Shit stinks and there's no hiding the smell. We've all got our own shit to deal with. Hoo-ee! These are the times that try men's souls. (And women's, obviously. Stupid language with its stupid conventions.) Yeah. So let's all work on ourselves and not waste time about it. Evolution ain't optional, I'm afraid. It's happening whether you want it to or not, and the more you resist, the tougher the schoolmaster'll have to get on you. Might as well do it the fun way, huh?

That sounds like a good idea to me.

I forgot so that I might remember once again

2010-01-06T05:04:00.003+02:00

As you know, I was recently given a test in life. One of those experiences that life throws at you just to see how you react to the circumstances, I guess. Circumstances that may look challenging, but can also offer a needed opportunity to go beyond your comfort zone, to learn something new, or remember something you'd lost sight of along the way.

Now that the trying situation has come to its happy resolution, it is time for me to reflect: how did I do? On the one hand, well; on the other, not so well. Five days of total isolation did not bring out the best in me at some points. I found myself terrified of facing the quiet, clear reflection of my own thoughts and feelings in the mirror of my mind and heart, and so I did everything I could to disturb the surface. I even overwhelmed my senses with loud, restless, pounding music, with a certain vengeful satisfaction at disturbing my neighbours as well, which is totally out of character for me. It was a far cry from where I'd been at the beginning of my trial, when the isolation only worked in my favour as I purified myself and moved into the power of stillness.

I don't know how seriously I believe in interdimensional interference. Certainly a number of people of integrity and knowledge whom I highly respect are of the opinion that such things go on, and some have described their extensive experiences of them in detail. My own experience leads me to consider the idea a reasonable one. I have had unequivocal subjective proof that hyperdimensional forces are active in my life, guiding me, giving inspiration, and effecting some mind-blowing synchronicity. Why, then, should I disbelieve that negative forces are also at work on me, doing everything in their power to lead me astray, distract me, weaken me, and prevent me from fulfilling my potential?

Is the notion too wild to entertain that, by engaging in spiritual warfare, I made myself more of a target? I may have, I don't know. Or maybe all that is just another way of seeing things, another illusion that points the way to the truth. After all, there's nothing external that doesn't somehow reflect something internally. If I succumbed to a non-material counterattack, that means I still have work to do on myself. I should qualify that: I have a lot of work to do on myself. And I've just barely begun that work, even having come as far as I have in some ways.

I once half-jokingly told a friend on Internet chat that I consider myself a Jedi, and that I'm just waiting for my Force abilities to activate. Big LOL there, no? Just waiting around isn't going to make them appear, of course. Universe, however, is kicking me in the direction I need to go, so waiting around isn't even an option. And the more I start to carry my own weight in the right direction, the more I will find universe meeting me halfway, boosting me forward.

Knowing what to do is easy. I've been hearing what I need to do from so many people, so many sources, including the voice of my own inner knowing. The first and foremost thing I need to do is to consistently seek God. And the only place a person can “get” God is within themselves. That's where the divine spark is that sustains our life and is indeed made in the image of the One. To practice that connection to Source is the key to an abundant life. It is necessary to meditate, or pray, daily, and not in a half-assed way, either. It has to be absolutely the single most important thing in my life. I had grasped that before the holidays, and then I forgot it again just as easily in the midst of all the hustle and bustle. That is what I had lost sight of, and may well have been the main reason why I had to go through this five-day blackout and the ersatz insanity that came with it. It showed me how lost I am without that awareness of God, without my recommended daily intake of Awake, Focused, Here and Now.

No one ever said this would be easy. I'm still at a stage where I'm wavering between strength and weakness, remembering and forgetting. For every victory there is a defeat, but I am reminded of the motion of a pendulum: every swing moves the hands of the clock forward another notch. There will always be challenges; of that I am sure. But as what was challenging before is easier now, so the future will bring ever greater challenges. From each according to his ability. No one is given a burden beyond their ability to bear. I find that, for all the complaints I might choose to make, my burden is still mine, and it still fits me perfectly. Really, I wouldn't have it any other way.

Adiemus - Adiemus on YouTube

P.S. This morning, when I woke up, I put on some music from Adiemus' Songs of Sanctuary. The effect was immediate and overpowering: my emotional dam, which had been doing such a wonderful job of shielding me these past few days, broke to smithereens and I found myself weeping uncontrollably for several minutes, followed by alternating and intermingled laughter and tears. Perceiving the simultaneous horror, tragedy, and injustice of this harsh world together with its incredibly noble, stoic beauty, and the possibility of Sanctuary from it all, is what did it. It is at once a heart-rending and a cosmically humorous scenario that we are in, we humans.

Technical difficulties

2010-01-04T20:10:00.000+02:00

Due to an ill-fated moment of absent-mindedness, I fear I have lost my computer, along with some other rather important items. Much as I would like to continue writing actively, my ability to publish anything here will be severely restricted until I get my machine back.

Here's hoping whoever found my belongings turned them in to the police. :)

Purification / Setting the tone

2009-12-30T22:22:00.003+02:00

December 30, 2009

9:00 PM – 27 hours until Zero Hour. Went for a sauna, threw water on the hot rocks 3x3x3 times. Began fasting.

9:30 PM – Started writing this entry.

December 31, 2009, New Year's Eve

6:30 AM – Wake up. Breakfast is plain porridge and water.

7:30 AM – Catch ride with uncle to city where I live.

8:00 AM – Arrive at home.

To-do list for the day: Go through mail. Clean apartment. Cleanse out toxic holiday crap. Work out, meditate, nap.

11:33 PM – Final preparations for Zero Hour. As far as possible, remove all frequencies within self that might interfere.

January 1, 2010, New Year's Day

12:00 AM – Zero Hour. WEIRDing.

Post-Zero Hour – Turn focus to other, unrelated things. God knows there are enough of them. I have some crazy plans. More (but not too much more) about those later.

Subsequent WEIRDing sessions will not require quite such an involved process of preparation. The first session will establish the tone and is therefore the most demanding. After that, it will only be a matter of recalling that frequency, holding it, and refining it.

EDIT: I noticed that the clock on my computer said 22:22 immediately after I posted this. Just a little nod from the other side of the veil. (wink)

[Updated 2009-12-30] Background, details, suggestions on the Worldwide Exorcism of Israeli-Rothschild Demons (WEIRD)

2009-12-30T01:45:00.005+02:00

Dog Poet, quoted from Smoking Mirrors: The Curious Cancer from Rothschildlandia:

All over the world, people are fuming and raging about the obscene behavior of a large percentage of one of the world’s smallest minorities. Instead of showing a little restraint and maybe stealing only half of everything in the world they want it all. Instead of cutting back on behaving with a blatant disregard for the laws of every land they are trying to bend to their will, they are so intoxicated with their power that all reason and good sense went out the window a long time ago. There’s no limit to their arrogant disregard for every life form but their own. Now we have Blankenfeld and Goldman Sachs doing God’s work. If God is the devil I would have to agree.

It just gets clearer and clearer and closer to the cosmic spanking that is coming up the road to greet them. It’s not a matter of if. It’s a matter of when. Every stereotype that has been applied to them over the centuries and which they have used the anti-Semitic club to beat down into the ground has been proven in blazing neon over these recent years. Within the law of universal balance there lies a terrible fate brewing for these self-chosen ones. If they read this would they sagely nod their head and say, “Yes, this is so. We must mend our ways”? I am afraid not.

Well… the time will come. It always does. It comes to empires and nations. It comes to rich and poor alike. It comes to races and religions. They all expire beneath the wheels of time and justice and every particle of their being and presence and all of their works are brought to judgment at some point. The alternative media is filled with the evidence of Zionist crimes every single day. The mass media reports very few of them and when it does it spins the circumstances and details in a favorable light.

[...]

This whole scene is out of control and I’m going to call bullshit on it. It’s a staged production and an extremely poor one at that. We have to collect by the tens of thousands and hundreds of thousands around the world, wherever we may be at a given hour every day and collectively focus our attention on Rothschildlandia and chant, “Out demons out!” You can also say, “Om Raksha, Raksha, Phat!” That will work too. We have to focus our collective wills upon Rothschildlandia all at once and see the Earth opening beneath it so that it may migrate to its eternal home.

There are enough of us to be a force to reckon with and we need to turn it on Rothschildlandia and on Mubarak; Gordon Brown, Netanyahoo and his man in the shadows. ‘seven come 9/11’ Barak. We have to become a collectively fused and focused force and we can accomplish miracles. The time is certainly at hand and there is no more critical work to which we can turn our hearts and our minds and our hands if we want to make a difference in the life on this planet. Well… there is a greater work, how could I forget? Still… this one may certainly be a necessary part of the other. Let’s pick an hour of the day that works for all of us wherever we may be and get to work. If we build it they will come.

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The best time is morning USA because it also hits Europe and the Middle East in the waking period. On the other hand it might be better to do it afternoon USA and later evening Europe because a lot of Israel will be sleeping and the subconscious will be open..

Let's understand each other here. This isn't Visible Origami. This is Smoking Mirrors and this is about pouring sugar into Israel's gas tank. I don't want to hear about world peace or uplifting each other into a new age donation box. I want sabotage and a little reverse shock and awe.

I want something that messes with Israels ability to kill and steal from and blackmail people and nations. I want them to have to suddenly find themselves in a place where nothing works and everything goes wrong. Because if nothing works and everything goes wrong for Israel it will automatically benefit everyone, everywhere else.

I want them begging for us to stop, pleading to change and even offering to return all those kiddie body parts. I want them to feel the flames licking at the napes of their necks and I'm not interested in hearing how many good people are among them because there are less than 5% who oppose their policies. I don't want to reason with them... have hugfests and heart to hearts. I don't want to come together to explore our common understandings in a nurturing environment of unmitigated bullshit. I want to bring them to heel. I want them prostrate before the force of a collected and directed will. All others need not apply.

You want to sing Kumbaya and give each other massages then you are welcome to solicit that for your own time window.

I want an end to this shit and I know it can get done. I could explain how this works in actual material physics but I've got things to do at the moment and you probably already know.

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It's 7:00 PM here right now which makes it 6:00PM in London and 1:00 on the east coast and 10:00AM in California which means it's 7:00 (I think) in Hawaii...it's been awhile since I had to compute time.

I think Midnight in Jerusalem works well around the board. it would be 11:00PM here, 10:00PM in UK and 5:00PM to 1:00PM across the US.

I'm thinking a quatrain to be repeated at your time and directed at the occupied Holy Land. It's good to establish that an invader has taken possession of someone's country and has driven them out or locked them in concentration camps. The rightness of what we do must be established first. We should also remind ourselves that Israel was behind 9/11 and probably the other major terror attacks as well so we are dealing with a habitation of demons.

This is the premise behind out demons out and you are free to chant that for whatever period of time you like and to visualize the demons being driven out of occupied Palestine and out of the residents as well (apparently 94% of them are possessed.

I suggest something along these lines.

Out demons out (3 times)

followed by-

may all their plots turn against them
may they be driven from the occupied lands
may they be exposed to all the people of the world
may Gaza be granted relief
and may judgment come to the murderer and thief

out demons out (3 times)

Some will no doubt consider this an act of hate or some politically correct bullshit label. What is going on there is an act of hate. This is an act of exorcism and practical and applied magic. This is the very thing they stopped the people from joining hands around the Pentagon. The fused will of a lot of people is a very powerful thing. Remember... "Wherever two or more are gathered in my name."

Speak these words with intention and 'see' them coming in on the air and landing in Tel Aviv, Jerusalem, as you wish. See them degenerating into confusion and losing all will to continue. See them melting if you wish but see them hindered and disabled to continue with their vile mischief.

Speak these words as if you were channeling the voice of God. Speak in a voice of command that will brook not resistance or interference. Command it to be so.. Believe it is so and then dismiss it from your mind. Don't think about it until the time comes around again. All these things are important and I do know what I'm talking about in this regard.

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oops.. some anal retentive is sure to point out that that isn't a quatrain. I know that. I changed my plans on the way... It is not a quatrain and not intended to pass for a quatrain. It bears no resemblance to a quatrain...

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gurnygob said...

Les. Re:
I suggest something along these lines.

Out demons out (3 times)

followed by-

may all their plots turn against them
may they be driven from the occupied lands
may they be exposed to all the people of the world
may Gaza be granted relief
and may judgment come to the murderer and thief

out demons out (3 time)

Les. I have to say this no matter how you or others may feel about it.

What would it take for the above to happen?

You are talking about a whole lot of shit hitting the fan and a whole lot of people, ordinary Palestinians, Jews and others, suffering a whole lot more shit hitting the fan in order for these things to take affect. I know your heart is for the innocent who suffer, but in your zeal for justices you may be overlooking the power of what you are asking for.

“Out demons out” is all well and good, but a demon will not depart without a fight. You of all people should know this.

Jesus, the Christ, showed us the way to defeat certain demon spirits when he said that “there are evil spirits that can only be removed by fasting and prayer”. Fasting in the right context humbles the body and purifies it of ill intent. To be honest, what I am getting from most of the comments here is something akin to hatred of the Jews, or collectively, the whole state of Israel. The whole state of Israel comprises more than Zionist Jews.

I have had experiences of demons in my personal life and trust me; they do not just “up-and-leave” without a fight and causing, in the process, as much shit as they can.

It’s just not their style. They always look for the easy way out. In order for your suggestion to work with the upmost justices the participants would first need to remove any hatred from their hearts otherwise the said “demons” would have a field- day in their exit, causing untold suffering and mayhem for all in their wake. Be careful what you ask for. Your intention is good I agree, but the method needs refining.

Jesus said. “But I say to you, Love your enemies: do good to them that hate you: and pray for them that persecute and calumniate you:
Why would Jesus say such a thing? Because we are fighting a spiritual battle.

“For our wrestling is not against flesh and blood; but against principalities and power, against the rulers of the world of this darkness, against the spirits of wickedness in the high places.”

Do you think for a moment they would give way to hatred? Hatred is one of their main weapons. It is hatred that fuels them. In order for this to work I would advise you to ask all those wanting to partake, to pray and in particular to “fast” in order for real justices to take affect.

The road to hell is paved with good intentions.

I hope you don’t take this the wrong way. I am not trying to undermine you. I am in full agreement with your request but as I said, the method needs refining. All those who are worthy will see this and would gladly partake in fasting or some sort of self-sacrifice so that the “spirit of truth” may win the day, rather than a legion of spirits from hell, fuelled by hate.

Yours truly,
gurnygob.
Ps. Love “concurs” all
PPS. Pps. A bad spirit can only be defeated by pure intention.

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Anonymous said...

A suggestion ... A little old world and longer .. and please feel free to change ..

Meditative or Calm State

Say ..

MY PRAYER (and for those who are comfortable with the wording) MY DECREE

I CALL FORTH all those who work with me from other realms of consciousness.

FOR PURPOSES OF THIS DECREE/PRAYER, the physical group assisting in setting this decree works in the realm of integrated light to hold and facilitate this decree. I call upon all beings on the path of growing into unity, to bear witness and to give effect to this decree.

THE PURPOSE OF THIS DECREE/PRAYER IS:
to save Palestine, the world and myself:

I REQUIRE THAT THE POWER AND INTENT:
of every being entering or supporting this Decree, from Earth and including any and all other realms of consciousness, be brought together so that their effect NOW shall be exponential as each being joins this Decree, regardless of Earthly timing

OUR PURPOSE HEREIN is to remove the demonic influences currently operating in ... (help here with SPECIFIC words.....).

OUR JOINT DECREE IS:
"Out demons out,
out demons out,
out demons out.

May all their plots turn against them,

may they be driven from the occupied lands,

may they be exposed to all the people of the world,

may Gaza be granted relief,

and may judgment come to the murderer and thief.

Out demons out,
out demons out,
out demons out."

This is my solemn will and command SUBJECT ONLY TO IT BEING APPROPRIATE TO THE DIVINE PLAN for this time on planet Earth.

I AM THAT I AM

AND SO IT IS

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Kheireddine said...

Les, BCth and all,
it is not about magic when it comes to me, it is about prayers, and the univers listens if you speak on the same frequency. It is not about using magic, leave it to tptb, their own magic is bringing them down, they use kabala and other forms of demons worshiping technics. They use illusion, we use the truth. The truth about what we feel about all their wrong doings and disgusting technics.
I was not refering earlier to magic, but about praying.
Along with praying, in groups and by yourself, stop taking bullshit. What can be discribed as bullshit can be discribed as "the great illusion" forced upon us by demented and spoiled souls. In all level of our daily lives. Out demons out of our lives, once u get rid of them out of your head.
There is no wiht and black magic, there is an illusion, only the truth can make these demented men inpower to stop hurting people, active truth that is.
No magic.
moon

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I will add any further refinements to this entry if needed.

Pouring sugar into the gas tank of the ogre

2009-12-29T21:07:00.006+02:00

It is the middle of the night and I have been thinking. I thought of many questions I would have liked to dowse with my pendulum, to have my thoughts receive their just judgment, be they correct or off the mark. Since breaking out that device would have disturbed a person's sleep, I have flipped a coin instead, asking whether my line of thinking has been basically correct and whether I should write it out. The answer came in the affirmative, so here I am once again, working in Linux without my Internet connection. (I always write this way, and then I restart and publish in Windows.)

The Dog Poet has just come out with a very heavy piece of writing. Dangerous, even. But dangerous to whom?

I could remain aloof from this suggestion he is making. I could reason that I am aligned with peace and love and joy and bliss and coconuts, and have nothing to do with what he is suggesting. But another part of me, a part whose voice I cannot deny, says that that would be contemptible and cowardly. Knowing what I know, I cannot stand by and let others take this action without doing my own part together with them.

The “action” of which I speak is very simple: a moment of unified, focused intent upon a single outcome. I would characterize that outcome as a restoration of balance. Intent and Balance: two of the four spiritual laws described in the Handbook to the New Paradigm, as I recall. The others are Allowance and Attraction.

Focused Intent makes things happen. I have made some unlikely things happen in my life through my own focused intent. The focused intent of a group of people is far, far more powerful than that of any individual. It has the power to affect our shared reality. The ones who have been making negative things happen on this Earth are well aware of this law and have made exceedingly effective use of it. They have used it to dominate others and to shape the world in the image of their own twisted thinking. They have succeeded in this to a considerable degree. But they will not succeed much longer. They are few, and the tide has already turned sorely against them.

Balance is a law that these darkened ones do not comprehend in full. If they did, they would have turned from their path before now. As it is, that path has brought forth an imbalance of great magnitude that is soon to be rectified, and there is nothing anyone can do to stop it. It is not an if, but a when. Grace has long been extended and rejected, and so comes the time when grace is withdrawn and the unrepentant criminals face consequences. My prayer is only that it happen quickly, so that the healing on all levels might begin as soon as possible.

Allowance. This is a free-will universe. All things are allowed as long as free will allows them. The majority of us, through ignorance, silence, and inaction, have allowed bad things to be done, not only to our countrymen, but to those in faraway places who never had a chance. The victimization of the people of Gaza is the most extreme example today. They are denied basic levels of food, water, and medicine. They have had their lands taken away, their homes destroyed, and their family members murdered in cold blood. Now we hear of organ harvesting and other grievous crimes being perpetrated against them. If this does not move a person's heart, I don't know what will. I choose to join with those who exercise their free will to not allow these things to happen anymore. Enough is enough.

[break for sleep]

Attraction: like attracts like. This is why the parasites, the predators, the vampires, the ones who get a thrill out of shedding the blood of innocents and committing all manner of abominable acts, now live in a reality that is completely divorced from sanity and decency. At the same time, the numbers and strength of those who are attracting love, light, and harmony onto this Earth have grown. The two divergent realities cannot coexist forever, because the Earth herself has chosen to ascend. Those who have committed to a descending path must perforce ship out so that they can have what they deserve and so that the rest of us can have what we deserve. Some of them may shove off physically and leave this plane entirely, others may remain but be reduced to irrelevance. I don't know how, exactly, it's set to go down.

I do know that if Israel attacks Iran, as it looks ever more likely to do, that final act of arrogance and aggression will seal the fate of the Zio-vampires and their machinery, leading to their ultimate downfall and the chain-reaction downfall and/or transformation of all that is in alignment with their power. They will have brought it upon themselves. If this is indeed now the only possibility we have of becoming free of their negative influence, then it is my joyless duty to do my small part to help hasten it. I do not ask anyone to join in this moment of unified, focused intent. Whoever feels called in their heart to do so will take part, and that will suffice.

Some may read this and think blasphemy and black magic. That I am as lost a soul as any of the dark ones of whom I speak. Quite honestly, I have nothing to say to that. This initiative may be a detour and a trap... but it might also be something I need to go through on my way to wherever I'm going. Either way, I am compelled. I just attempted to dowse some answers with my pendulum, but it refuses to give any. I take that as a sign that I need to go deeper and stop abdicating my responsibility to an external thing. It appears my Higher Self is teaching me self-reliance of a higher order, the need to listen better and more directly. And so I shall.

I suspect this is a task I shall need to do from a place of shanti, inner peace. To succumb to the energy of conflict and duality (anger) may nullify the value of this exercise to my spiritual growth. A problem cannot be solved by the level of thinking that caused the problem, n'est-ce pas? And so I return to the principle I invoked in the beginning: Balance. To intend that Balance be restored, in order to allow us all to experience that which we have attracted to ourselves: this is what I think I shall do. Will it make a difference? God only knows. But I have faith nonetheless that all will work out as it must, for the best.

UPDATE: Having now read through the comment section of Les' post, I have a better idea of what this is about: in a word, exorcism. When you put it that way, I can't think of a single reason not to join in. "Out, demons, out!" So simple. I had go make it all complicated, didn't I? Well, I guess it's in my nature to analyze stuff and try to understand it. (grin)

A long-winded statement of intent

2009-12-28T21:19:00.001+02:00

A dear friend of mine privately expressed his disapproval of a certain action I recently took, namely posting a link to this blog on his friend's Facebook wall. This was offensive and uncalled-for, he said, considering the beliefs of that friend in contrast with some of my views expressed here. In retrospect, I see his point very well. I have since apologized and undone that ill-considered action. I had already stopped the practice of tagging Facebook friends in my notes imported from here, because that can easily be viewed as spam and I hate spam as much as anyone else. Unsolicited links certainly fall into that category as well, and I was in error to do what I did.

That being said, I don't apologize for my views and I don't think I should have to. I make some effort to qualify my statements of opinion, but to do that constantly would be tiring and would make my prose plodding. I rest assured that my readers, whoever they are, can and will use their own discernment to filter my words. I myself can end up disagreeing with my own words later, so how can I expect anyone else to agree with me? That's not the point. The point is to express myself freely. To censor that expression would defeat the purpose of keeping a blog in the first place.

This same friend characterized my views as “anti-Christian.” I understand they appear so to his mind, and he is welcome to see it that way; however, I see it differently. To disagree with certain aspects of a particular belief system, and to voice that disagreement, is not necessarily to attack the whole. And for someone to take such criticism of their belief system as an attack on them personally is, I think, a result of the misidentification of the ego with that belief system. I am not my beliefs, just as I am not my body or my name or my occupation. Those are things that I have, and they are all temporary. I do not go out of my way to insult Christians or anyone else; nevertheless, there will always be individuals who take offense. I realize that I have not always chosen my words as carefully as I could have, and that is unfortunate. But I am not perfect and I don't claim to be. In cases where my words might cause offense, all I can do is hope for the offended party's forgiveness and understanding.

No one is forced to read my blog. If I may have promoted it a little too enthusiastically before, I no longer do so. I shall be content to simply keep on writing and let those who are attracted come, and those who are not, go elsewhere. That's the beauty of the Internet: barring the odd blind link, everyone gets to choose pretty much exactly what to allow into their consciousness.

Everyone is on their own, personal journey in life. There are longer and shorter paths, more pleasant and less pleasant paths, easier and harder paths, lighter and darker paths, but no path is better or worse than another. The continuing existence of this blog constitutes an open invitation to walk a step with the writer, hear what is going through his mind at the moment, and, if you are so inclined, to freely offer your own thoughts in return. His sincere intent is for this exercise in sharing to be mutually beneficial and/or interesting. If it were not, there would be no reason to engage in it.

Huh boy, do I take myself seriously or what? Well, I am in a bit of a funk, so... (shrug). Now I go to transmute this melancholy into peace, perhaps even joy, through a little spot of active meditation. Good luck to me. (small smile)